unhealthy mind state/PTSD/question re: therapist
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unhealthy mind state/PTSD/question re: therapist
I am struggling today. I think my therapist doesn't want to see me anymore.
When I relapsed a week or so ago, and was texting my exabf about him rushing back to his pot-smoking ex, the ex called the therapist and said I was "harrassing" him. (Funny, the day after he did that, he sent me an email with a wikipedia link like he was trying to explain his behavior.)
I then had 2nd thoughts about whether I should be seeing the same therapist as my ex. ALTHOUGH, the therapist told me, he's been seeing me a lot more than my ex, which doesn't surprise me. I think my ex only went to satisfy me.
I then changed my mind last week. Tried to get an appointment w/the therapist last week but he was booked up. I called him yesterday but he hasn't called back. Now I'm concerned he's firing me by blowing me off. Shouldn't a therapist be honest if he doesn't want to work with me anymore?
If he's upset that I didn't take his advice to keep my ex No Contact, I can understand that, but my relapse is exactly why I need to see someone right away.
Plus, I don't know if this makes sense but I'm feeling "PTSD." When I relapsed and texted my ex, he sent me an email basically blaming ME for the drunken incident in January where he put his gun in his mouth and threatened suicide over the phone to me. That incident was my last straw with him.
I know, I know, I know, this is quacking and deflecting, but it's upsetting me nonetheless. I realize I have said harsh angry mean things to him. But to blame for putting a gun in his mouth???? I'm trying not to think about it but having problems.
I don't know if I should just find another therapist. My thought was, this guy knows my ex really well, and we started out seeing him together. So he has a lot of insight into what my part in this is and what I need to do to recover.
When I relapsed a week or so ago, and was texting my exabf about him rushing back to his pot-smoking ex, the ex called the therapist and said I was "harrassing" him. (Funny, the day after he did that, he sent me an email with a wikipedia link like he was trying to explain his behavior.)
I then had 2nd thoughts about whether I should be seeing the same therapist as my ex. ALTHOUGH, the therapist told me, he's been seeing me a lot more than my ex, which doesn't surprise me. I think my ex only went to satisfy me.
I then changed my mind last week. Tried to get an appointment w/the therapist last week but he was booked up. I called him yesterday but he hasn't called back. Now I'm concerned he's firing me by blowing me off. Shouldn't a therapist be honest if he doesn't want to work with me anymore?
If he's upset that I didn't take his advice to keep my ex No Contact, I can understand that, but my relapse is exactly why I need to see someone right away.
Plus, I don't know if this makes sense but I'm feeling "PTSD." When I relapsed and texted my ex, he sent me an email basically blaming ME for the drunken incident in January where he put his gun in his mouth and threatened suicide over the phone to me. That incident was my last straw with him.
I know, I know, I know, this is quacking and deflecting, but it's upsetting me nonetheless. I realize I have said harsh angry mean things to him. But to blame for putting a gun in his mouth???? I'm trying not to think about it but having problems.
I don't know if I should just find another therapist. My thought was, this guy knows my ex really well, and we started out seeing him together. So he has a lot of insight into what my part in this is and what I need to do to recover.
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My first reaction to this is that it is a pretty major conflict of interest for the therapist to be seeing you and the person you are trying to heal from and trying to extricate yourself from.
Also, I dont know how ethical it is for the therapist to give you ANY info about your ex. That is confidential.
Not to mention, you are trying to go No Contact, and therapist is giving you info about whether/how often ex is going to therapy.
It just sounds immediately like a mess, and too involved.
I dont thin the therapist is wrong, but...I dont know, it just seems like another source of stress.
But, I dont know the whole story.
I would feel REALLy unsafe if my RAH was seeing the same therapist as I was.
Thats not including our sons counselor.
Also, I dont know how ethical it is for the therapist to give you ANY info about your ex. That is confidential.
Not to mention, you are trying to go No Contact, and therapist is giving you info about whether/how often ex is going to therapy.
It just sounds immediately like a mess, and too involved.
I dont thin the therapist is wrong, but...I dont know, it just seems like another source of stress.
But, I dont know the whole story.
I would feel REALLy unsafe if my RAH was seeing the same therapist as I was.
Thats not including our sons counselor.
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Thanks for your input! That's what I'm thinking. I thought that from the start, but the therapist didn't see a probem with it.
What I initially thought might be a benefit is turning into a liability.
Also, if he's telling me what my ex is doing, how do I know he's not telling my ex what I'm doing?
Talk about continuing the enmeshment.
Also, when the therapist told me my ex had called him, he asked me why I broke No Contact. I said "yeah I know I screwed up, but he's seeing his ex again which means he lied to me about her and I feel manipulated." Therapist said, "well I knew he'd been FRIENDLY with her. I didn't realize he was seeing her."
From that comment, I was able to deduce that my ex was probably seeing his ex at the same time he was trying to get back with me (since it's been 2 months since my ex saw his therapist.) And to also figure out that my ex had lied to me yet again when he told me "I didn't start talking to her again until LONG after you and I had stopped talking." (which didn't happen til March 15.)
Yeah, I probably didn't need to know that.
Time to find a new therapist, I think.
What I initially thought might be a benefit is turning into a liability.
Also, if he's telling me what my ex is doing, how do I know he's not telling my ex what I'm doing?
Talk about continuing the enmeshment.
Also, when the therapist told me my ex had called him, he asked me why I broke No Contact. I said "yeah I know I screwed up, but he's seeing his ex again which means he lied to me about her and I feel manipulated." Therapist said, "well I knew he'd been FRIENDLY with her. I didn't realize he was seeing her."
From that comment, I was able to deduce that my ex was probably seeing his ex at the same time he was trying to get back with me (since it's been 2 months since my ex saw his therapist.) And to also figure out that my ex had lied to me yet again when he told me "I didn't start talking to her again until LONG after you and I had stopped talking." (which didn't happen til March 15.)
Yeah, I probably didn't need to know that.
Time to find a new therapist, I think.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
My first reaction to this is that it is a pretty major conflict of interest for the therapist to be seeing you and the person you are trying to heal from and trying to extricate yourself from.
Also, I dont know how ethical it is for the therapist to give you ANY info about your ex. That is confidential.
Not to mention, you are trying to go No Contact, and therapist is giving you info about whether/how often ex is going to therapy.
It just sounds immediately like a mess, and too involved.
I dont thin the therapist is wrong, but...I dont know, it just seems like another source of stress.
But, I dont know the whole story.
I would feel REALLy unsafe if my RAH was seeing the same therapist as I was.
Thats not including our sons counselor.
Also, I dont know how ethical it is for the therapist to give you ANY info about your ex. That is confidential.
Not to mention, you are trying to go No Contact, and therapist is giving you info about whether/how often ex is going to therapy.
It just sounds immediately like a mess, and too involved.
I dont thin the therapist is wrong, but...I dont know, it just seems like another source of stress.
But, I dont know the whole story.
I would feel REALLy unsafe if my RAH was seeing the same therapist as I was.
Thats not including our sons counselor.
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Thanks anvilhead!! You're always a font of good advice.
Now I gotta find one that has some experience in codependency.
Now I gotta find one that has some experience in codependency.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
hmmmm - i'm not sure i'd read much into your therapist not getting back to you right away, one would hope they would act in a more professional overt manner, than resorting to putting you on IGNORE.
however......if part of the goal is to detach completely from the ex and go no contact (pardon me if i have that assumption wrong) than i would think it would be in could mental health and hygiene to have my very own therapist who was in no way still attached to my ex. kinda creeps me out that you both see the same T and that T hasn't mentioned any conflict of interest there.......
be kinda like moving to a new address but still having your mail delivered to the old place. this might be the time for a clean break and a fresh start FOR YOU!
however......if part of the goal is to detach completely from the ex and go no contact (pardon me if i have that assumption wrong) than i would think it would be in could mental health and hygiene to have my very own therapist who was in no way still attached to my ex. kinda creeps me out that you both see the same T and that T hasn't mentioned any conflict of interest there.......
be kinda like moving to a new address but still having your mail delivered to the old place. this might be the time for a clean break and a fresh start FOR YOU!
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XABF and I both spoke to the councilor at work (him more than me, I only went once). Since this councilor is employed by the company, his "client" (for lack of a better term) is the company, and his goal is to help employees through their own personal issues so it does not impact their work. I did give him permission to share with XABF what I told him, if he felt it would help, and sure enough it did pressure XABF into going to inpatient therapy.
Yes, I know that pressuring someone into going to therapy usually doesn't help that individual, but it helped ME immensely. I finally had some space without XABF in it, and I managed to untangle myself.
I suspect that XABF may be going to this councilor still, although I do not know for sure. I do know he went at least twice this year - once after each attempt to contact me - because the councilor shared that with me (not the details, just how he told XABF that his behavior was stalking and that XABF said he understood, because that was the part that dealt specifically with me, my safety, and any future plans of mine to protect myself from XABF).
I have my own therapist. I'm down to seeing him once a month, and since his client is me, it would be a conflict of interest for him to see both of us. (Not that he would want to see XABF, of course).
If he were a relationship therapist of sorts, of course, that would be different, but things like that don't work with alcoholic or newly-recovering alcoholics, so it's a moot point.
In this case, it is probably best that you see different therapists. Just a thought.
You need to be able to trust your therapist.
I, personally, would have a hard time visiting the same therapist as XABF.
(The work therapist was different, plus my whole visit was all about how I felt as a result of XABF's behavior, and did not dive into my recovery, just into the fact that I was on the roller coaster and I NEEDED to get off.)
That said, the lack of calling you back doesn't mean the therapist doesn't want to see you again. He might just be extra busy, or forgot, or tons of other things.
I know with my therapist, my insurance told me that the co-pay was one number, and my therapist claimed the real co-pay was half again what the insurance company had told me. I paid him the higher amount... Until I got a letter from the insurance company showing what visits had been paid, and clearly laying out my co-pay as the lower number.
My first reaction was that my therapist was padding his pockets with the extra money, and I actually cried myself to sleep.
Once I calmed down I did realize that it was an easy mistake for him to make, since the lower co-pay was for specialists, and the higher one was for routine visits. He just didn't realize he was considered a "specialist" according to my insurance (this is apparently a change from the norm).
EDIT: Seeing the additional information that popped up while I was writing this - dump this therapist! Find a better one! Your gut feeling is good, he's setting off alarm bells for me, too, from what you posted - and I never met him.
When I got mine, I called an office that had several different therapists and specifically asked for someone with a specialty in addiction, and at least some experience with domestic violence. He doesn't have as much experience with the whole aftermath of addiction/manipulation as I had hoped, and every time I visit he gives me a sales pitch for buying a Kindle, but aside from that he's been great.
I am nearing the end of what I can get out of this particular relationship, which is fine. We dropped the meetings to once a month for now, with an open invitation for me to call him anytime a problem arises. I don't need the visits so much, but in some ways he's one more anchor to keep me from getting drug back into the mess, and as long as there's still a chance XABF may show up again unwelcome I want to have my therapist available. I figure three months, after which I'll evaluate if I still need a therapist, or want to switch to a different one, or what.
Yes, I know that pressuring someone into going to therapy usually doesn't help that individual, but it helped ME immensely. I finally had some space without XABF in it, and I managed to untangle myself.
I suspect that XABF may be going to this councilor still, although I do not know for sure. I do know he went at least twice this year - once after each attempt to contact me - because the councilor shared that with me (not the details, just how he told XABF that his behavior was stalking and that XABF said he understood, because that was the part that dealt specifically with me, my safety, and any future plans of mine to protect myself from XABF).
I have my own therapist. I'm down to seeing him once a month, and since his client is me, it would be a conflict of interest for him to see both of us. (Not that he would want to see XABF, of course).
If he were a relationship therapist of sorts, of course, that would be different, but things like that don't work with alcoholic or newly-recovering alcoholics, so it's a moot point.
In this case, it is probably best that you see different therapists. Just a thought.
You need to be able to trust your therapist.
I, personally, would have a hard time visiting the same therapist as XABF.
(The work therapist was different, plus my whole visit was all about how I felt as a result of XABF's behavior, and did not dive into my recovery, just into the fact that I was on the roller coaster and I NEEDED to get off.)
That said, the lack of calling you back doesn't mean the therapist doesn't want to see you again. He might just be extra busy, or forgot, or tons of other things.
I know with my therapist, my insurance told me that the co-pay was one number, and my therapist claimed the real co-pay was half again what the insurance company had told me. I paid him the higher amount... Until I got a letter from the insurance company showing what visits had been paid, and clearly laying out my co-pay as the lower number.
My first reaction was that my therapist was padding his pockets with the extra money, and I actually cried myself to sleep.
Once I calmed down I did realize that it was an easy mistake for him to make, since the lower co-pay was for specialists, and the higher one was for routine visits. He just didn't realize he was considered a "specialist" according to my insurance (this is apparently a change from the norm).
EDIT: Seeing the additional information that popped up while I was writing this - dump this therapist! Find a better one! Your gut feeling is good, he's setting off alarm bells for me, too, from what you posted - and I never met him.
When I got mine, I called an office that had several different therapists and specifically asked for someone with a specialty in addiction, and at least some experience with domestic violence. He doesn't have as much experience with the whole aftermath of addiction/manipulation as I had hoped, and every time I visit he gives me a sales pitch for buying a Kindle, but aside from that he's been great.
I am nearing the end of what I can get out of this particular relationship, which is fine. We dropped the meetings to once a month for now, with an open invitation for me to call him anytime a problem arises. I don't need the visits so much, but in some ways he's one more anchor to keep me from getting drug back into the mess, and as long as there's still a chance XABF may show up again unwelcome I want to have my therapist available. I figure three months, after which I'll evaluate if I still need a therapist, or want to switch to a different one, or what.
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
My thought was, this guy knows my ex really well, and we started out seeing him together. So he has a lot of insight into what my part in this is and what I need to do to recover.
But now: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. If I remember correctly you had discussed the change in relationship with the T and mentioned feeling uncomfortable about both of you still seeing him. (Sorry if I'm remembering incorrectly.) Even if the T is not being passive agressive and ignoring your phone calls because you didn't follow his advice, he is passing information on from one client to the next. Incredibly unprofessional and rather unnerving...
I would definitely find another T, if only for the reason that I would feel my trust has been violated....
When I relapsed and texted my ex, he sent me an email basically blaming ME for the drunken incident in January where he put his gun in his mouth and threatened suicide over the phone to me. That incident was my last straw with him.
I know, I know, I know, this is quacking and deflecting, but it's upsetting me nonetheless. I realize I have said harsh angry mean things to him. But to blame for putting a gun in his mouth????
I know, I know, I know, this is quacking and deflecting, but it's upsetting me nonetheless. I realize I have said harsh angry mean things to him. But to blame for putting a gun in his mouth????
It is not your fault. It is not your fault that he threatened suicide.
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You need a new therapist.
I'm so sorry things are so stressful for you on the counseling front. It should be your safe place, not one of stress, insecurity, or mistrust. You should not have to second guess a missed phone call etc.
FWIW my counselor said it was an ethics violation to see us both for individual therapy. She would only see one of us.
I'm so sorry things are so stressful for you on the counseling front. It should be your safe place, not one of stress, insecurity, or mistrust. You should not have to second guess a missed phone call etc.
FWIW my counselor said it was an ethics violation to see us both for individual therapy. She would only see one of us.
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He finally did get back to me-he had just been busy. He had a cancelation tomorrow I think you all are right - I need a new therapist but right now I just need to see SOMEONE.
I've been extremely depressed all day, crying like crazy. I can't seem to pull myself up by my bootstraps today for some reason.
I'm going to a meeting later but I think I am going to see him tomorrow because right now, I'm just not functional.
Yesterday I called a therapist I'd seen before, ages ago. She's on my insurance, which is good. But she's on vacation and left me a message saying to call her around May 9th, which I will do.
I'll see this therapist in the meantime but make sure he is not revealing anything about my therapy to my ex.
I've been extremely depressed all day, crying like crazy. I can't seem to pull myself up by my bootstraps today for some reason.
I'm going to a meeting later but I think I am going to see him tomorrow because right now, I'm just not functional.
Yesterday I called a therapist I'd seen before, ages ago. She's on my insurance, which is good. But she's on vacation and left me a message saying to call her around May 9th, which I will do.
I'll see this therapist in the meantime but make sure he is not revealing anything about my therapy to my ex.
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Not sure how long you've been with this therapist but a couple of things stood out for me in your post...
Therapists don't fire clients, they may discontinue working with a client but they would let you know. Secondly a therapist would never get 'upset' if you chose to do differently then what they recommended. It isn't personal to a trained professional.
Therapists see and deal with a wide variety of issues and people. They seldom bring their work home or they would burn out quickly. Some therapists are better than others and it is about getting the right fit for you. If you feel you have a good history with the therapist and do respect their work then I think you are taking the lack of response too personally. They have other clients, some in crisis.
Returning calls to clients about scheduling issues may take a while. Also a therapist has to have boundaries and from what you are saying this therapist may be setting up that boundary by getting back to you in their own time.
Oh and to reveal anything about you to the ex would be a HUGE privacy violation, therapists take confidentiality very seriously.
You can call the therapist and ask if they do want to continue working with you or if not can they give you a referral.
Therapists don't fire clients, they may discontinue working with a client but they would let you know. Secondly a therapist would never get 'upset' if you chose to do differently then what they recommended. It isn't personal to a trained professional.
Therapists see and deal with a wide variety of issues and people. They seldom bring their work home or they would burn out quickly. Some therapists are better than others and it is about getting the right fit for you. If you feel you have a good history with the therapist and do respect their work then I think you are taking the lack of response too personally. They have other clients, some in crisis.
Returning calls to clients about scheduling issues may take a while. Also a therapist has to have boundaries and from what you are saying this therapist may be setting up that boundary by getting back to you in their own time.
Oh and to reveal anything about you to the ex would be a HUGE privacy violation, therapists take confidentiality very seriously.
You can call the therapist and ask if they do want to continue working with you or if not can they give you a referral.
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I thought that from the start, but the therapist didn't see a problem with it.
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I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. You recently told me that, we shoud be gentle with ourselves. Something so simple yet so easy to forget to do.
Some days seem to go so well and you feel so strong and then something triggers and it kicks your a**. I know I always try to be so strong that I forget that I'm allowed to have a "temporary break" and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I got some bad news yesterday (won't hijack your thread) and have been going through a lot of emotions so know that I'm there with you and I'm here if you want to talk it out!
Some days seem to go so well and you feel so strong and then something triggers and it kicks your a**. I know I always try to be so strong that I forget that I'm allowed to have a "temporary break" and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I got some bad news yesterday (won't hijack your thread) and have been going through a lot of emotions so know that I'm there with you and I'm here if you want to talk it out!
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HI!!!! L2L!! I was just wondering about you on your other thread. I'll go over there now -did you post about your bad news?? Anyway feel free to PM me.
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. You recently told me that, we shoud be gentle with ourselves. Something so simple yet so easy to forget to do.
Some days seem to go so well and you feel so strong and then something triggers and it kicks your a**. I know I always try to be so strong that I forget that I'm allowed to have a "temporary break" and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I got some bad news yesterday (won't hijack your thread) and have been going through a lot of emotions so know that I'm there with you and I'm here if you want to talk it out!
Some days seem to go so well and you feel so strong and then something triggers and it kicks your a**. I know I always try to be so strong that I forget that I'm allowed to have a "temporary break" and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I got some bad news yesterday (won't hijack your thread) and have been going through a lot of emotions so know that I'm there with you and I'm here if you want to talk it out!
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For me, the slightest little thing can trigger me. I was getting an eyebrow wax and some song came on that made me think of my ex and I started tearing up. thankfully the beautician thought it was just a reaction to the wax fumes...lol
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. You recently told me that, we shoud be gentle with ourselves. Something so simple yet so easy to forget to do.
Some days seem to go so well and you feel so strong and then something triggers and it kicks your a**. I know I always try to be so strong that I forget that I'm allowed to have a "temporary break" and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I got some bad news yesterday (won't hijack your thread) and have been going through a lot of emotions so know that I'm there with you and I'm here if you want to talk it out!
Some days seem to go so well and you feel so strong and then something triggers and it kicks your a**. I know I always try to be so strong that I forget that I'm allowed to have a "temporary break" and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I got some bad news yesterday (won't hijack your thread) and have been going through a lot of emotions so know that I'm there with you and I'm here if you want to talk it out!
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