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wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 11:10 AM

Trial
 
Fired my lawyer who was hired to "help" AH's defense. Prosecutor's office called me today. I talked with the victim advocate for a while and told her he's an alcoholic, and his 'history' of rehab/recovery attempts. She said the Prosecutor already figured that out from what was written in the police statement and that the "plea" offer was that AH get a suspended sentence but has to go to a year of court mandated rehab and AA mtg's. I don't have an opinion about this which surprises me bc originally when he was arrested I "hoped" this would make him get help. Now I think that no matter what happens with court, until HE decides to get help no one forcing it (not even the court) will matter.

I will testify at the DV trial against AH. I don't have much choice. The State pressed charges, not me and I have to testify OR plead the 5th and if I do that I can be held in contempt of court. Given the option of saving AH's a$$ or mine, I choose mine.

AH did not want me to fire my lawyer or testify. I kind of dread the fall out from this bc he will likely wind up with a record (if he doesn't take the plea deal) and lose his job and that WILL impact our kids pretty badly. But he made choices and it's not my job to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.

laurie6781 04-26-2011 11:35 AM


In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.
Good, keep reminding yourself. You didn't do this to him. HE did this to him. You are correct, these are the consequences of HIS actions.

You are doing the best you can right now, and that is pretty darn good considering what you have been and are going through.

Hopefully, in time, you will be 'questioning' yourself less. We all had to learn that one. It sure took me time to learn to start 'trusting' my gut, lol

J M H O

Love and hugs,

StarCat 04-26-2011 11:38 AM

Even if you CAN avoid testifying, I feel testifying could help with your custody regarding the divorce.
It certainly couldn't HURT that case, and in my opinion that's the more important one - kids who are stuck in the middle through no fault of their own trumps an AH trying to avoid the consequences of his own choices ANY DAY, in my book.
I'm sure you could use the results of this case, whatever they are, in your divorce proceedings.

In that case, it stands to reason that it would be more helpful to have as much accurate information as possible in this case, not because of this case, but because of the NEXT one.

Just a thought.
When you testify, maybe just remind yourself that you're doing it for your kids?
You've done more than enough for your AH.

There's only one more "gift" you can give to him, anyway - the gift of experiencing the consequences of his own choices and actions.
The gift of being completely responsible for himself.

And that is a gift.
It's all about what you do with it that determines how well it treats you.
You're starting to take responsibility for YOURSELF, and you have been making great changes.
Now it's his turn, and he can do with that freedom and responsibility for himself as he sees fit.

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 11:43 AM


Even if you CAN avoid testifying, I feel testifying could help with your custody regarding the divorce.
Exactly why I am waiting to go fwd with the divorce until after the trial.


It certainly couldn't HURT that case, and in my opinion that's the more important one - kids who are stuck in the middle through no fault of their own trumps an AH trying to avoid the consequences of his own choices ANY DAY, in my book.
In my book too.


I'm sure you could use the results of this case, whatever they are, in your divorce proceedings.
That's the plan.


In that case, it stands to reason that it would be more helpful to have as much accurate information as possible in this case, not because of this case, but because of the NEXT one.
Yup.


Just a thought.
When you testify, maybe just remind yourself that you're doing it for your kids?
Already there-- thinking that :)


You've done more than enough for your AH.
Too much in fact.

There's only one more "gift" you can give to him, anyway - the gift of experiencing the consequences of his own choices and actions.
The gift of being completely responsible for himself.
Yup. I agree.


And that is a gift.
It is... I wish I'd realized it years ago. I've kept myself ill and contributed to enabling his illness by doing things for him he should have done himself.

marylea 04-26-2011 11:47 AM

In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.[/QUOTE]

I know exactly how you feel. I had a very similar experience with DV and the police pressed charges. Thankfully he admitted it so I didnt have to testify and he took his punishment. Best thing I ever did...it was his wake up call and has never happened since.

Hope it works out for you too.

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 12:01 PM

He 'sort of' admitted it... He's saying it was an accident. And I said after the fact to the police that I was not sure he did it intentionally (bc I really wasn't sure).

I am looking forward to May 13. Whatever happens May 12 it will be over. That's all that matters.

StarCat 04-26-2011 12:04 PM

Any plans for anything special that May 13-15 weekend?

Planning a fun (even if inexpensive) reward for myself after something stressful also helps me relax more emotionally as the date of the thing I'm dreaded approaches.
Tonight I am planning on eating dinner out on my apartment's balcony, and I cannot wait. (I also love how I can enjoy the little things in life, now that I'm not under XABF's thumb anymore, but that's a story for a different thread. *Grins*)

Just a thought.
You deserve something fun to look forward to. :)

NoDaybutoday 04-26-2011 12:06 PM

Hi WTBH, sorry for posting this under an alternate screen name, but I have lost the password for my usual NoDaybut2day identity.

Just wanted to chime in with a hug of encouragement for the trial and testifying.

Having read the threads that were posted over the week-end, I agree with you that this is the soundest strategy to reducing visitation to as little as possible or potentially obtaining supervised visitation. Your AH's actions may well give you the ammo you need to safeguard your daughters.

I remember how tricky it was to navigate these waters when I was separated from XAH but not divorced yet, and I wasn't living with him anymore! I did a whole lot of travelling back and forth from my parents' place to AH's apartment to provide him with the visitation he demanded AND supervised all visits myself, all the while accumulating evidence against him...it was so stressful. I remember smiling to him ever so politely and thinking to myself "I'm so two-faced...Here I am being nice and I'm about to have his served with proceedings for the custody of our child". Kudos to you for keeping your wits about you, especially with his family attacking you left, right and center.

So, what happens after your testify against your AH? How long before he gets sentenced?

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 12:07 PM

My nephew's 1st communion is that weekend... But that's a good question-- I think I'll plan a girls night out for that Fri or Sat!

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 12:12 PM


Originally Posted by NoDaybutoday (Post 2948326)
Hi WTBH, sorry for posting this under an alternate screen name, but I have lost the password for my usual NoDaybut2day identity.

Just wanted to chime in with a hug of encouragement for the trial and testifying.

Having read the threads that were posted over the week-end, I agree with you that this is the soundest strategy to reducing visitation to as little as possible or potentially obtaining supervised visitation. Your AH's actions may well give you the ammo you need to safeguard your daughters.

I remember how tricky it was to navigate these waters when I was separated from XAH but not divorced yet, and I wasn't living with him anymore! I did a whole lot of travelling back and forth from my parents' place to AH's apartment to provide him with the visitation he demanded AND supervised all visits myself, all the while accumulating evidence against him...it was so stressful. I remember smiling to him ever so politely and thinking to myself "I'm so two-faced...Here I am being nice and I'm about to have his served with proceedings for the custody of our child". Kudos to you for keeping your wits about you, especially with his family attacking you left, right and center.

So, what happens after your testify against your AH? How long before he gets sentenced?

I don't know-- in answer to the above. It's not a jury trial. It's just a judge, the lawyer(s) and us. And the police and any witnesses (but there weren't any). So, the Prosecutor said that IF he does not take a plea deal and it does go to trial the judge will decide then and there and give a sentence. There is not jail time that is likely to be involved.... It's going to be a matter of a fine, some kind of rehab/counseling and possibly a conviction of a Class A Misdemeanor (worst case scenario).

I think that whatever the outcome is it will be good for me custody wise that this happened. As bad as that sounds, it definitely gives credence to my concerns about his behavior and I hope that his being court involved will help with his having to have supervised visitation until a point in time that he can demonstrate he's ???? (sane, in control, in recovery...?)

NoDaybutoday 04-26-2011 12:15 PM

I know it sounds terrible, but I'm crossing all crossable apendages that he gets the "worst case scenario", only because it will help you get custody and supervised visitation.

Have you considered when you want to file for custody? I wonder if there isn't some kind of "best strategic time" to do so, perhaps soon after he gets sentenced...

Eddiebuckle 04-26-2011 12:19 PM


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 2948252)
...Now I think that no matter what happens with court, until HE decides to get help no one forcing it (not even the court) will matter.

Absolutely true - don't lose sight of this fact, regardless what happens.


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 2948252)
...Given the option of saving AH's a$$ or mine, I choose mine.

...AH did not want me to fire my lawyer or testify. I kind of dread the fall out from this bc he will likely wind up with a record (if he doesn't take the plea deal) and lose his job and that WILL impact our kids pretty badly. But he made choices and it's not my job to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

...In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.

You've been subpeona'd to testify in a court of law. What's being asked of you is to tell the truth, not save your derriere. Whether he chooses to take a plea is his call, and the consequences entirely his own.

I do get the reluctance to "do this to him" - but seriously, what would throwing your integity under the bus do to improve his long term prospects? Nothing.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Do what's right for your kids and yourself, and let go of the stuff that's out of your control.

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 12:24 PM

Does anyone think it is odd that I haven't been officially subpeonaed yet? I do.

NDBT- I feel like I am playing a game of cat and mouse a bit. AH's lawyer is a shark -- a criminal defense lawyer and divorce lawyer. I don't really want AH to know or sense that I have filed until the trial is over bc I fear what his lawyer might try and do (the prosecutor told me to be prepared to be all but attacked on the stand by his lawyer). If I file BEFORE the trial I feel like it gives his lawyer extra incentive to tear me apart for the sake of custody issues. If I let the trial be done and over and THEN file I think that might be better. I guess my plan is to file the week after the trial. I have an appt with a new lawyer on Thurs morning. It's a woman I got the name of from the State DV Coalition. I assume therefore she is familiar with unpleasant family law issues...

atalose 04-26-2011 12:31 PM

Keep listening to that logical side of your brain, not the codie heart we’ve become so familiar with.

I learned that if my actions didn’t “feel” quite right or that twinge of guilt began to show up in my mind then I was in the same place as the alcoholic pondering his next drink. Which meant I needed someone or something other than myself to stop that kind of thinking.

Sounds like you are sure of your decision, and that’s half the battle, just making one.

((hugs))

sandrawg 04-26-2011 12:33 PM

I know this is stressful for you - I'm sorry. But it sounds like you have a good, practical, healthy attitude about it!


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 2948252)
Fired my lawyer who was hired to "help" AH's defense. Prosecutor's office called me today. I talked with the victim advocate for a while and told her he's an alcoholic, and his 'history' of rehab/recovery attempts. She said the Prosecutor already figured that out from what was written in the police statement and that the "plea" offer was that AH get a suspended sentence but has to go to a year of court mandated rehab and AA mtg's. I don't have an opinion about this which surprises me bc originally when he was arrested I "hoped" this would make him get help. Now I think that no matter what happens with court, until HE decides to get help no one forcing it (not even the court) will matter.

I will testify at the DV trial against AH. I don't have much choice. The State pressed charges, not me and I have to testify OR plead the 5th and if I do that I can be held in contempt of court. Given the option of saving AH's a$$ or mine, I choose mine.

AH did not want me to fire my lawyer or testify. I kind of dread the fall out from this bc he will likely wind up with a record (if he doesn't take the plea deal) and lose his job and that WILL impact our kids pretty badly. But he made choices and it's not my job to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.


ItsmeAlice 04-26-2011 12:34 PM

Does anyone think it is odd that I haven't been officially subpeonaed yet? I do.

Could it be that a plea is still up for the taking by your AH? If he takes/negotiates a plea that's accepted no trial and no subpoenas necessary. If not, then maybe then you'd receive something official to appear. I've no law degree so this is just me thinking out loud.

Alice

Learn2Live 04-26-2011 12:35 PM

wanttobehealthy, your mailbox is full :)

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 12:38 PM

Alice, that makes sense--- thanks!

wanttobehealthy 04-26-2011 12:39 PM


Originally Posted by Learn2Live (Post 2948365)
wanttobehealthy, your mailbox is full :)

I just emptied it-- try again! sorry.....

barb dwyer 04-26-2011 12:41 PM

Thanks for this thread -
I was unclear about the whole 'testifying against' thing.

I posted on another thread
but then couldnt' find it
about there being a conflict of interest...

now I get it.


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