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Old 04-26-2011, 11:44 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Now I think that no matter what happens with court, until HE decides to get help no one forcing it (not even the court) will matter.
Yes, sadly, this is true. I did not seek help, it came to me....I decided to go with it.


Given the option of saving AH's a$$ or mine, I choose mine.
*****!

But he made choices and it's not my job to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.
No, it is not your job.

Excellent!

Beth
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:44 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I feel like I probably should have come here a month ago or so when I appeared and posted a "here's the story". There's lots of things at play here-- this trial is kind of a nightmare (understatement of the year) but it kind of got the ball rolling for me in late Jan and got me seeing that the status quo HAD to change.

It isn't ideal right now but the new status quo is a lot better than it was a few months ago and after the trial the even newer status quo will be better still...

So, that's the story with the testifying thing...
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:51 AM
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Calling the police on Jan 31 was the scariest thing I ever did. I have gotten push back from my family, our friends, his family, and AH himself for this. I have questioned myself in all the ways that women do after you call the police on your spouse (or that some women do I guess). But I haven't tried to get the charges dropped, I haven't been bullied into NOT testifying, I haven't kept a lawyer who was awful to me just to save my AH's a$$.

I am scared about being attacked by his atty on the witness stand and know that I will be painted as the provoker and that that is the defense atty's job. I am trying to prepare myself for that. It will be really hard. And in the past I would have done whatever it took to avoid that discomfort- even if it meant harm to me and maybe even my kids in the long run.

I want May 12 to be here NOW. I am kind of afraid that I will chicken out by the time the day comes. I know deep down I won't but being afraid has in the past had a lot of power to dictate what I do and don't do.

This time I won't let that happen. If I did, then all the fear I've faced and tried to overcome in the past 4 months would be for nothing right?
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:55 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
NDBT- I feel like I am playing a game of cat and mouse a bit. AH's lawyer is a shark -- a criminal defense lawyer and divorce lawyer. I don't really want AH to know or sense that I have filed until the trial is over bc I fear what his lawyer might try and do (the prosecutor told me to be prepared to be all but attacked on the stand by his lawyer). If I file BEFORE the trial I feel like it gives his lawyer extra incentive to tear me apart for the sake of custody issues. If I let the trial be done and over and THEN file I think that might be better. I guess my plan is to file the week after the trial. I have an appt with a new lawyer on Thurs morning. It's a woman I got the name of from the State DV Coalition. I assume therefore she is familiar with unpleasant family law issues...
IMO, you're right about waiting till after the trial to file custody proceedings. Just expect more crap from his enablers about "kicking him when he's down"...I don't want to sound discouraging but I forsee yet another backlash when you start to make a move towards freeing yourself from him.

Let us know how the new lawyer is...
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:57 AM
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In 1988, my ex husband was tried and convicted for child molesting.

I was never subpoena'd.

I knew when the date was
the prosecution did NOT want me to show up
(and I ..DID.. of course)

but it's now always necessary for a subpoena
they're usually for what might be a 'hostile' or 'reluctant'
witness.

just throwing that in there.

If you know when it is that might be all you get?
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:06 PM
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I was told when the court hearing was and was told I didnt need to attend if that helps any.

Hugs
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:07 PM
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I, too, thought subpoenas were only for people who the court (or prosecution) felt would not appear.
They are presuming you will NOT be a reluctant or hostile witness, and so did not send you a subpoena. (Another credit to how you're handling this, as it's not uncommon in DV situations for the victim to be reluctant or hostile, but you haven't given them any of those "vibes").

That said, if you're afraid of backlash about showing up when you didn't "have" to, I believe you could always ask the prosecution to send you one.
While I've found it's a very empowering experience to stand up for myself, it's also helpful in certain situations to have something to hide behind.

I told my parents I wasn't going on the family vacation this year because most of my department would be on vacation that week, and as the person with less seniority I felt responsible to work that week. The real reason I'm not going is because I don't want to be stuck with them for a week, but the part about everyone else being out is true, too, and that's the reason that would cause less drama for me.
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:31 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
IMO, you're right about waiting till after the trial to file custody proceedings. Just expect more crap from his enablers about "kicking him when he's down"...I don't want to sound discouraging but I forsee yet another backlash when you start to make a move towards freeing yourself from him.

Let us know how the new lawyer is...
I don't take that as discouraging... I forsee that too and will deal with it if and when it comes. I am not burying my head in the sand and trying to pretend that might not happen but I am I guess trying not to worry about things down the road that I can't predict and can't be sure will happen. It might be a little like denial I guess but it sure has lessened my worrying by a ton!

I will let you know how the new lawyer is... I can't imagine anyone can be worse than the last one!
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:34 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
In 1988, my ex husband was tried and convicted for child molesting.

I was never subpoena'd.

I knew when the date was
the prosecution did NOT want me to show up
(and I ..DID.. of course)

but it's now always necessary for a subpoena
they're usually for what might be a 'hostile' or 'reluctant'
witness.

just throwing that in there.

If you know when it is that might be all you get?
I figured since I was the sole witness (the police came after he'd left so there was nothing that they saw) and the one he attacked they'd subpoena me to be sure I came... How would they have a case if I chose to not show up? Would they still have a case?

FYI- these are the kinds of questions I tried to ask my lawyer and he couldn't or didn't want to answer me. Odd huh?
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:54 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Hey there,

Voice of experience from the State's side of things. You probably will get a subpoena, maybe just shortly before the trial. Sometimes trial schedules are in flux--there might be other cases scheduled as well, and it might not be clear that your case is a "go" until shortly before trial. Those are questions for the victim advocate. If I were you, I'd want a subpoena just so it was clear you weren't there "out to get him". You are there as a legitimate witness in a criminal case.

Don't even think about pleading the Fifth. It will make you look ridiculous. You have no legitimate expectation of being prosecuted for anything, so you don't have a basis for claiming the privilege.

You will be just fine. You don't have to be anything but a neutral witness--you don't have to be reluctant or champing at the bit. You're a witness, you show up, you tell the truth to the best of your ability, end of story.

Oops, accidentally posted too soon.

Other advice--ask to meet with the prosecutor in advance (he/she will probably want to prep you anyway). Ask what he or she intends to ask you, so you will be prepared. Answer the defense attorney's questions in the same helpful spirit that you answered the prosecutor's questions. If there is any "fixing" of your answers that need to be cleared up (due to a misleading impression the defense attorney is trying to create) the prosecutor will have a chance to ask additional questions on re-direct.

Don't volunteer information you aren't asked for (even if you think it will be helpful). That will only cause problems. Listen to each question, make sure you understand it (and ask for clarification if you don't), and answer as honestly as you can.

That's it--the rest is for the lawyers and judge. You can breathe easy, knowing you have done the right thing.

One other tip--don't look at him while you're testifying. Look at the lawyer who is asking the questions.

This is good practice at letting go of the outcome. It isn't your job to make sure he's found guilty, it isn't your job to make the event any worse or better than it was. It also isn't your job to say whether he did something "on purpose." If the defense attorney were to ask you that, the prosecutor should object. You can't read his mind. You say what he did, and the judge is the one who will have to conclude whether he acted intentionally or not.
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:59 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I kind of dread the fall out from this bc he will likely wind up with a record (if he doesn't take the plea deal) and lose his job and that WILL impact our kids pretty badly. But he made choices and it's not my job to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.
(((hugs))) I needed to hear someone else say that today. So thank you for saying it. And good luck.
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:19 PM
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Sounds like we are in very similar situations. My AH was supposed to be in court March 23 for DV against me. I called the police when he assaulted me, the state pressed charges. I received a subpoena just two days before court. I won't go into all of the details, but since I do not have a vehicle I could not make it to court on such short notice. I called the prosecutor and explained the situation. My AH did not go to court on the 23rd. He never mentioned it. Apparently he stopped following up with the court and never contacted the court clerk for the new date (he had several previous court dates that were rescheduled). I've known about the court date since January, but didn't feel it was my responsibilty to make sure he knew about it. Besides, any time the subject came up he became furious, accusing me of filing false charges and threatening to retaliate by making up stuff about me. I guess he thought if he didn't think about it, it would just go away. Weekend before last he was out doing whatever he does when he's out, and he was arrested because a warrant was issued when he missed his court date. He is in currently in the county jail.

I'm not in a position to file for divorce yet. Like you I am doing everything possible to protect my kids and be sure he only has supervised visitation. I meet with a DV counselor next week.

I'll be keeping you and your children in my prayers.

Last edited by ShiningStars; 04-26-2011 at 10:26 PM. Reason: added details
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Old 04-27-2011, 07:15 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Got a voicemail from fired lawyer today apologizing for his behavior and telling me to expect a check for my entire retainer being returned to me in the mail.

To me this screams... "oh crap I know I was out of line and hopefully she won't call the Bar Association".

Am I reading more into it than need be?

Either way I've already called the Bar Association and I'll take my retainer back! Sweet!
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Old 04-27-2011, 07:27 AM
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Yeah baby! Sounds like a nice little gift from HP Now you can give that retainer to a lawyer who'll actually listen to you and defend your interests!
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Old 04-27-2011, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Yeah baby! Sounds like a nice little gift from HP Now you can give that retainer to a lawyer who'll actually listen to you and defend your interests!
I know!!!!! YAY!!!!!
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:26 AM
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I don't think you're reading into it.
I think that's exactly what he's thinking.
Especially since this is obviously not the first person he's done this to, and I'd be surprised if nobody called the Bar Association about him before.

Good for you, wtbh!
Now you've got the money to pay a good lawyer.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:41 AM
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[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
I don't think you're reading into it.
I think that's exactly what he's thinking.
I didn't think I was reading into it either but I did wonder-- what a loser huh?! I laughed when I got his voicemail bc at the end he said "despite what was said I really wish you the best and hope you appreciate that I did try to offer you assistance".

If I didn't know better I'd think he was an A from the way he talks so much like my own H!

Especially since this is obviously not the first person he's done this to, and I'd be surprised if nobody called the Bar Association about him before.
Yeah I would LOVE it if they'd tell me that. I did ask! They told me to write a detailed letter outlining the conversation and my concerns and I told them I already had and I sent it off via email. I'll let them decide whether he was out of line.
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
...Either way I've already called the Bar Association and I'll take my retainer back! Sweet!
Cash that retainer first.
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:10 AM
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Wait, sorry, I haven't been following your threads very closely...What did the attorney DO that made him decide to give back the retainer and why is he afraid you will put in a complaint about him?
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Cash that retainer first.

I called yesterday when I didn't know that he'd send me that $ back... But thinking in my new P.I. mode I saved the vm the lawyer left telling me he was returning it and saved it as a voice memo on my mac so even if he decides to not send it, I have "proof".

I'm guessing no one from the Bar will call him in the next few days since nothing seems to happen fast when a bureaucracy is involved so I'll be on the lookout for my check! WOO HOO!
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