I'm stuck all of a sudden
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm stuck all of a sudden
I spent the weekend with xah. He's been sober since the first of the year. He had a lot of inpatient rehab and outpatient counseling and I have no idea what he is doing now.
We did not talk a lot but it wasn't awkward either because he was 'normal'. We were in the same place so the kids could see him for the weekend, not for us to hang out together so he spent time with the boys. He was present for them. He took them places and they came back happy and relaxed. He stayed awake. He paid attention to them, played with them. He was sober. He helped them with their bath and getting jammies. He hasn't helped them with a that stuff in years.
He's still homeless and jobless and I don't even care. I have no desire to get back into a relationship with him.
But I can't deny it was heartbreaking. It was like a knife in my heart to see what I wanted for such a long time. What I dreamed of, longed for, tried to make happen with sheer will and determination for so many years. I couldn't have it. That man, that dream, was not and is not mine to have. It wasn't meant for me.
Most of the weekend was spent so happy because my boys were getting what they need. They were well behaved and I had some help. I had some breathing room. But then as we were leaving the negative tapes started. What is wrong. Why couldn't I make that happen - and of course I know in my head I don't make people do things. I don't think like that anymore but it popped in there. What did I do wrong. How did I fail so badly at marriage, why couldn't I figure out the secret? I know that isn't the right way to think of it but I'm stuck there now and I don't want to wake up there.
We did not talk a lot but it wasn't awkward either because he was 'normal'. We were in the same place so the kids could see him for the weekend, not for us to hang out together so he spent time with the boys. He was present for them. He took them places and they came back happy and relaxed. He stayed awake. He paid attention to them, played with them. He was sober. He helped them with their bath and getting jammies. He hasn't helped them with a that stuff in years.
He's still homeless and jobless and I don't even care. I have no desire to get back into a relationship with him.
But I can't deny it was heartbreaking. It was like a knife in my heart to see what I wanted for such a long time. What I dreamed of, longed for, tried to make happen with sheer will and determination for so many years. I couldn't have it. That man, that dream, was not and is not mine to have. It wasn't meant for me.
Most of the weekend was spent so happy because my boys were getting what they need. They were well behaved and I had some help. I had some breathing room. But then as we were leaving the negative tapes started. What is wrong. Why couldn't I make that happen - and of course I know in my head I don't make people do things. I don't think like that anymore but it popped in there. What did I do wrong. How did I fail so badly at marriage, why couldn't I figure out the secret? I know that isn't the right way to think of it but I'm stuck there now and I don't want to wake up there.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
YOu know, this is a bit of a trick of the mind...
I have had this, at times, when RAH is present and able to deal and cope and HELP me get some space for a few..minutes, maybe even an afternoon.
But I have found that it is an extension of the fantasy.
It feeds the fantasy that he can be all those things, and that I was somehow the one lacking.
Its not true.
HE can only be there for that time, and he is faltering and he is failing at the emotional and mental parts of recovery. he works, and he doe sthe right stuff, etc.. but, he is still a bit of a mess, and it takes a minute for me to realize that this is all he can do.
It has nothing to do with your ability to be a good partner in marriage.
Its a trick of the mind. for me anyway
I have had this, at times, when RAH is present and able to deal and cope and HELP me get some space for a few..minutes, maybe even an afternoon.
But I have found that it is an extension of the fantasy.
It feeds the fantasy that he can be all those things, and that I was somehow the one lacking.
Its not true.
HE can only be there for that time, and he is faltering and he is failing at the emotional and mental parts of recovery. he works, and he doe sthe right stuff, etc.. but, he is still a bit of a mess, and it takes a minute for me to realize that this is all he can do.
It has nothing to do with your ability to be a good partner in marriage.
Its a trick of the mind. for me anyway
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
PS: some times tricks of the mind are puzzles that lead you to a great big healthy meadow, if you can navigate them...
Look for the gift in this, at least it is showing you exactly what you fear you lack.
now you can set about healing that fear, or dispelling it entirely.
Look for the gift in this, at least it is showing you exactly what you fear you lack.
now you can set about healing that fear, or dispelling it entirely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
But I have found that it is an extension of the fantasy.
It has nothing to do with your ability to be a good partner in marriage.
Its a trick of the mind. for me anyway
Its a trick of the mind. for me anyway
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
I think I hear simply Grieving for the lost marriage.
It happens to me when I least expect it, and it is mostly when she is around and functional.
I get a little reminder of what could have been.
Take care
It happens to me when I least expect it, and it is mostly when she is around and functional.
I get a little reminder of what could have been.
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by ValJester 
I think I hear simply Grieving for the lost marriage.
It happens to me when I least expect it, and it is mostly when she is around and functional.
I get a little reminder of what could have been.
Take care
It happens to me when I least expect it, and it is mostly when she is around and functional.
I get a little reminder of what could have been.
Take care
Thank you. I can always count on people 'getting it' here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 15
That dream may not have been meant for you but there is one waiting for you. What a great gift you gave your children by spending the weekend together hard as it may have been for you they will have that memory for a long time to come.My husband came into the picture when I was least expecting him 3 years after leaving my sons father who was and still is an abusive addict, the first thing I said when I met him was "He's not my type" 9 years later I realize that was the best thing about him!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Perhaps it's time for a paradigm shift.
I know in my own journey, there was a script, a dream, a fantasy that was clung to - that was the hardest vice to break, for me.
But in the end, I realized it was a mis-guided tool I was trying to apply.
You see, this Dream was a reflection of my needs and wants, built into a neat package that I could visualize, and taste. I thought it could only happen in that package.
Recovery has helped me realize it for what it was - a grouping of my own deepest wants and needs, in a package shaped into this Dream. But I have learned I can un-bundle that package, take a look at the parts, and I actually have the power to re-package it, re-bundle it, in ways that I myself can fulfill. The Dream package needed Someone Else to fulfill it. My recovery bundles are pieced into bite sized bits that I myself can work on fulfilling, so I'm not dependent on a Dream, or Someone Else, to get my needs and wants fulfilled.
Taking a look to see what your Dream was/is, and then realizing you can unbundle it and re-package it into a DIY project is a huge paradigm shift!
But a winning one!
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
I know in my own journey, there was a script, a dream, a fantasy that was clung to - that was the hardest vice to break, for me.
But in the end, I realized it was a mis-guided tool I was trying to apply.
You see, this Dream was a reflection of my needs and wants, built into a neat package that I could visualize, and taste. I thought it could only happen in that package.
Recovery has helped me realize it for what it was - a grouping of my own deepest wants and needs, in a package shaped into this Dream. But I have learned I can un-bundle that package, take a look at the parts, and I actually have the power to re-package it, re-bundle it, in ways that I myself can fulfill. The Dream package needed Someone Else to fulfill it. My recovery bundles are pieced into bite sized bits that I myself can work on fulfilling, so I'm not dependent on a Dream, or Someone Else, to get my needs and wants fulfilled.
Taking a look to see what your Dream was/is, and then realizing you can unbundle it and re-package it into a DIY project is a huge paradigm shift!
But a winning one!
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Thumper
I know that isn't the right way to think of it but I'm stuck there now and I don't want to wake up there.
You are a good mom!
You have protected and nutured those young lives.
I pray your day is filled with gratitude, serenity and peace.
(((thumper)))
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by anvilhead
my first husband, we didn't make it as a couple. but we had a baby girl and after the initial rough post break-up phase where feelings were pretty raw, we settled down and got about the business of being PARENTS. co-parents. and we did that job real good.....
Thanks for posting that Anvilhead. It's what I needed this morning.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Thumper
What did I do wrong. How did I fail so badly at marriage, why couldn't I figure out the secret? I know that isn't the right way to think of it but I'm stuck there now and I don't want to wake up there.
I don't have any great words of wisdom... only wanted to say that I look at your posts as a source of guidance, experience, and strength. I know that pulling the plug on the marriage won't make everything peachy keen - how could it? I'm taking me and my crap with me!!! But, if I can get out of the way of his stuff, I will be in a better place to focus on me.
My AH has thrown lots of examples of other marriages that are "far worse than ours"... and "yet they stayed together!" I hear that and the have the reaction that he's hoping for... guilt. It's all about guilting me into settling for less than what I want. It's about guilting me into accepting the unacceptable. So there are other wives out there that will settle for an alcoholic husband who cheats on them, or gambles all their money away... or a husband who's nasty and mean to them... I'm not one of those wives. And honestly, would he really want to be with a woman who would settle for that treatment?
The answer is... yes... in order to preserve his ability to drink and his ability to not have to look inside himself to see what's wrong. It's easier to just have a wife who will be complacent and sit and be happy.
Ack, I got off topic... and rambled on about myself. Sorry. There's alot bouncing around my head this morning and it apparently needs to come out.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I was in a similar circumstance when my AH got sober after several months of separation. Only, I tried to reconcile with him.
For me, it was all about fear. Two of the biggies: Fear of Failure and Fear of Abandonment. I learned as a child that it was the wife's job to make the marriage work. When mine didn't, I saw it as failure. If my marriage was a failure, I was a failure. It took some time to work through that, and thankfully I had a very good therapist who understood my conditioning. It's not something I believe consciously, but something that was ingrained deep in my subconscious by the role-modeling I grew up with. On the surface, I knew the truth, but my emotional self had never learned it.
There is a great book about overcoming fear called "What Happy People Know" by Dan Baker. It is very enlightening and full of positive messages for making positive changes in your life.
L
For me, it was all about fear. Two of the biggies: Fear of Failure and Fear of Abandonment. I learned as a child that it was the wife's job to make the marriage work. When mine didn't, I saw it as failure. If my marriage was a failure, I was a failure. It took some time to work through that, and thankfully I had a very good therapist who understood my conditioning. It's not something I believe consciously, but something that was ingrained deep in my subconscious by the role-modeling I grew up with. On the surface, I knew the truth, but my emotional self had never learned it.
There is a great book about overcoming fear called "What Happy People Know" by Dan Baker. It is very enlightening and full of positive messages for making positive changes in your life.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Thumper, that is just the worst. I don't know how healthy or unhealthy my XH is. He lives in my neighborhood, his office is close by. He sees the kids, is on time for pick-ups and drop-offs, seems appropriate...
And I have no idea if he has changed anything or not, but on the outside, he appears to be functioning, and I allow myself to wander into "then it must be ME" that was the problem. Why couldn' *I* make it work. Everybody else makes it work.
And I hear couple friends argue and I think she talks to him like THAT? And *I* am the one who is divorced? What is wrong with me?
So I get it. I have to agree with B66, it's atrick of the mind. A reversion to thinking we could have done more, when we actually had to give up a long time ago or drown with him.
thanks for this timely post.
And I have no idea if he has changed anything or not, but on the outside, he appears to be functioning, and I allow myself to wander into "then it must be ME" that was the problem. Why couldn' *I* make it work. Everybody else makes it work.
And I hear couple friends argue and I think she talks to him like THAT? And *I* am the one who is divorced? What is wrong with me?
So I get it. I have to agree with B66, it's atrick of the mind. A reversion to thinking we could have done more, when we actually had to give up a long time ago or drown with him.
thanks for this timely post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Got to thinking on what Anvil wrote...
Could it really be that we just had the fantasy wrong?? All the effort really did accomplish something, just not what we expected? For you, the dream your kids had of having a dad present for them even if just for a visit. All they probably ever wanted was 10 minutes with a real dad, not an addict dad.
Maybe the fantasy was there's all along and you were busy making it about you.
I don't say this with malice at all, I say this because it has me thinking that maybe the fantasy over my XABF wasn't about me at all. Maybe it was about his daughter or his mom or his dad. Maybe all that recovery work I went through to let go and stop enabling and let him reach bottom was really about him finding his own recovery path and being present in life for someone other than me. God, I hope so!
I have not seen him since July 2009 and I carry around this little seed of resentment over it still and I yearn for a way to kill the little weed when it starts to grow. The hope that he is out there now in recovery so that he can be the son for his parents, the father for his child, or the partner for someone new that he truly could be. It is a really good thought to carry. I can feel that little weed shriveling as I type.
I'm sorry you feel stuck in the old tapes of the past. I'm sorry you caught a glimpse of something lost and feel the grief again.
I hope you find something uplifting to bring you back out of the dark today.
We're here with you!!
Alice
Could it really be that we just had the fantasy wrong?? All the effort really did accomplish something, just not what we expected? For you, the dream your kids had of having a dad present for them even if just for a visit. All they probably ever wanted was 10 minutes with a real dad, not an addict dad.
Maybe the fantasy was there's all along and you were busy making it about you.
I don't say this with malice at all, I say this because it has me thinking that maybe the fantasy over my XABF wasn't about me at all. Maybe it was about his daughter or his mom or his dad. Maybe all that recovery work I went through to let go and stop enabling and let him reach bottom was really about him finding his own recovery path and being present in life for someone other than me. God, I hope so!
I have not seen him since July 2009 and I carry around this little seed of resentment over it still and I yearn for a way to kill the little weed when it starts to grow. The hope that he is out there now in recovery so that he can be the son for his parents, the father for his child, or the partner for someone new that he truly could be. It is a really good thought to carry. I can feel that little weed shriveling as I type.
I'm sorry you feel stuck in the old tapes of the past. I'm sorry you caught a glimpse of something lost and feel the grief again.
I hope you find something uplifting to bring you back out of the dark today.
We're here with you!!
Alice
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