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wanttobehealthy 04-25-2011 07:34 PM

Please STOP
I have enough judging and distorting of facts in my life with AH that I do not need people on this board, who for whatever reason, feel the need to read what I write, ignore what I actually say, form their own analysis of what they believe I am saying and then insult me.

When I say "this is what I mean" and am told "I know better" by someone else that smacks of the kind of behavior outlined in the Why Does He Do That? book I am reading.

If you have an issue with me then add me to your ignore list. I didn't expect on here of all places that when I said "no, this is what I feel and mean and am saying" that I would receive the same mind game abusive distortions that I get from AH and be told that others know better than I about how I am feeling and what I think.

If you can not stop judging please do not involve yourself in my life. There is a HUGE difference between asking questions and being tough and being out of line. I think that I have said quite clearly that I like getting feedback. I guess I wasn't clear enough. Feedback to me means based on facts. Not, take what I say, twist it, analyze it, distort it and then tell me you know better than I what I think.

Several people have crossed that line tonight and I want to make clear that I don't want it and won't accept it.

I really feel sad that despite this being a great site, I feel like a place that should have been "safe" turned into an outlet for some angry people to unload/project and it doesn't really feel safe at all anymore.

I know this-- I won't be posting for a while if at all again.

Thanks to those who have given me great advice and done it respectfully. And thanks to those who haven't bc you gave me the opportunity to practice standing up for myself some more.

#1. I have no idea what I have done to you but the unabated attacks based on your feelings, not facts, not my words and not you reading what I've posted is downright insulting and bordering on abusive.

Latte 04-25-2011 07:39 PM

Take what you can use and leave the rest.

wanttobehealthy 04-25-2011 07:52 PM

You know, I just realized that I am reacting to nonsense from a few on here the same way I did for years with the nonsense my AH would spew. He'd say things to get a reaction and I'd give him what he wanted and the only one who wound up upset was me...

I didn't realize that until I read your "take what you want and leave the rest".


ANEWAUGUST 04-25-2011 08:23 PM

For me, this is where I needed face to face support.

I had to see the hurt and then the hope that others offered to me with their experience, strength and hope.

Al-Anon and AA have saved my life.

Maybe Al-Anon could help survive while living in the whirlwind of being in a relationship with an alcoholic...

Buffalo66 04-25-2011 08:28 PM

Alanon also does have that face to face, which also takes away from the anonymity of an online forum.
Many of these folks on SR can become a little tunnel visioned, and so can I, but...Its easy to lay it on someone when you are not face to face.

Maybe a break from the forum would be good for you for a couple of days.

I took a break last week.
I also took a break for a year, a while back, because I just needed to do some work without bouncing it around so much...just different tools at different times.

Hope you come back, do whats the next right thing for you

Babyblue 04-25-2011 08:35 PM

Lots of interpretation depends on my mood. If I am feeling positive and ok then stuff won't affect me. If I am feeling down or vulnerable, yeah it can feel pretty painful. I broke down reading something someone responded to a thread of mine.. then the next day, I felt better, read it again and realized I had OVER interpreted and projected my hurt onto the response. What this person said, made a lot of sense and didnt seem like an attack when I felt better.. but when I'm in a "mood"? I let it get to me.

There is some pretty powerful stuff and powerful stories on SR. Easy to get overwhelmed.

Dee74 04-25-2011 08:37 PM

good time for a few reposts Forums General Principles

Tolerance: Please respect the rights of others to hold beliefs and perspectives, which differ from yours. Our Sober Recovery Forum members are of many nationalities, ages, and cultures. Healthy, vigorous debate will further our goals, but only when guided by the tolerance that springs from mutual embrace of mission.

Intellectual Freedom: Embrace diversity of practice. It is impossible to understand an action without first understanding the actor and their environment. Know that varied environments call for varied response. Your way may not be the best way.

Freedom of Speech
: We resist censorship in favor of free speech. Within our forums, we support the broadest range of perspectives and expression, for it is the unification of diversity to cause that gives strength to our community. We are committed to equal opportunity. Influence and responsibility here are inseparable, and both spring solely from a demonstrated commitment to furthering the topics discussed in our forums. Bear in mind, however, that some language and conduct is still considered inappropriate.

Responsible Behavior: Your attendance here carries a responsibility. Ours is a mission of mind and perspective, and consequently, attention is our most precious resource. Do not waste what attention you may attract, nor seek to attract it with wasteful actions. Remember that personal worldview is a most powerful motivator; never treat another's lightly.

We're all on the the same side here. I try never to forget someone took time out to respond to me & my problem.

FWIW I think I've actually learnt the most from my harshest critics, even if the lesson wasn't the one they were teaching...

and please...if all else fails, the ignore button can make a world of difference - even if you use it for just a little while

Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.

Danae 04-25-2011 08:38 PM


I almost posted to you on another thread earlier this evening, but had to sign off for dinner. I might very well have been someone you took exception to, because something about one of your posts pushed some of my buttons. I had a difficult time years ago keeping my child safe from his father in situations that were difficult to explain to others, and it is still an emotional subject for me.

Reading your older posts it seems like you've come a long way recently, and rethinking what I was going to say earlier---i realized how long it took me (years) to get to where I am. I want for you to be in a better situation NOW, immediately, with you and your children safe. But I can't make that happen for you any more than I could make it happen quickly for me. So...I have to filter my response.

I hope you can continue to get value out of SR, since it can be a valuable sounding board. I wish good things for you and your kids.


Buffalo66 04-25-2011 08:49 PM

I find LaTeeDa is a fountain of wisdom, in her consistent and steady challenging of my blind spots.

I read over all the other two posts.
I agree with you that there was one poster for sure who seemed to be just taking shots/digs, not that constructive...

Take a short break, use your ignore button...

And just keep movin' onward!

wanttobehealthy 04-25-2011 08:58 PM

I realize that there are a lot more ideal things I could be doing right now. But right now today, I am doing the best I can. I told AH his behavior was out of line tonight. I fired my lawyer (whose job it was was to protect H from his DV charge essentially) and faced the wrath from AH bc of what that might mean for him in court and listened for about 2 min and told him stop and walked away. I told the girls T with AH in the room that I have safety concerns about him being with the girls alone knowing full well that I'd hear about it at some point and that saying that was not in my best interest but WAS in theirs and so I did it. I am pursuing whether I can leave the state with them to live elsewhere if we are not yet divorced, I am keeping a journal of every last thing he does/says to help me in court should I need it, I am involved 100% of the time with the girls when he is around and this is to keep them safe. He is a good dad and loves them and has fun with them and they with him but he is more of a buddy than a father and can be irresponsible and I for years have played bad guy without an issue bc keeping them safe and setting limits and being a good mom is more important to me than being their temporary buddy.

I know that there is a lot they continue to be subjected to (though hardly at all compared to even a few weeks ago) and that there are many things I could do differently but I really am aware of what is at stake for them and am doing all I can to make things okay for them.

I grew up in a nightmarish, abusive home. I don't want my kids to be like me when they grow up and I do my best each day to let them know they are loved, safe, and great kids inside and out.

I appreciate that you recognize that it took you more than a few weeks to get from a to z and have that perspective. I may realize in a year that I was still a bit blind right now but I feel like I am seeing a lot of things clearly and am trying to forge a path that is best for us all (girls and I) and that's not something I can do overnight.

CanfixONLYme 04-25-2011 10:51 PM

Wanttobehealthy, I just saw this post after posting my own about how you were treated in your other thread... wow. All I can say is that I'm so sorry.

I'm going through major crap right now with my AH and if I had anyone like those people respond to me the way you were responded to, it would really upset me and make me leave this forum.

I'm sooo glad you didn't though and I'm really happy you posted your feelings and BOUNDARIES on the subject.

I pray that you find peace and love in your life soon. You deserve it. (We all do!).


CanfixONLYme 04-25-2011 11:02 PM

just a note for BabyBlue (who is a FANTASTIC supporter btw!!!) - take a read of the other thread... I don't think Wanttobehealthy was imagining anything. I saw so many attacks on was like a rabid pack of wolves just battering down everything she said.

More personal feelings on this matter (not directed at BB - who I'm a fan of!)

I'm just so disgusted. I'd like to read these other people's stories and see how STRONG they have been during their recoveries... I'm sure they made decisions that were right for them at the time and had to learn from the consequences of those actions. I'm also SURE they did NOT appreciate HARSH advice or abusive criticism. What gives ANY OF US that right?! Especially since we've been down that path ourselves?!

I just don't get it. I hope if I have said something that has offended someone during their struggle to recovery, that they will forgive me and let me offer my support and shoulder during their trials.

It's because I've gone through (and still am going through) the most difficult time of my entire life, that I have more patience for others going through this type of insane and almost impossible emotional rollercoaster.

Peace be with everyone this evening. And I mean everyone. :)

Alone22 04-25-2011 11:15 PM

I hear your frustration. You are going through hell right now and doing your best to navigate through it. No one is walking in your shoes and while we all maybe able to see ourselves in each others stories, what is right for one person may not be the best solution for another. You feel compassion for your AH because you are a human with a kind soul. I think compassion for an A is what is needed for anyone to be able to someday let go of the pain and resentment towards them. Ultimately by letting go of the anger, pain, resentment etc it will only help to heal our minds.

I think it is great you saw that you had a relapse. Old patterns are hard to break and I know for me it is just going to take time and practice.

I think the ignore button is a great option. No one needs to be backed into a corner and feel like they need to defend themselves like you did on the other thread. Something went horribly wrong and you don't need additional stress. Thank God alanon is not like that! I didn't read through all of your prior posts but if you don't go to alanon I would highly recommend it.

If you don't want to post for a while but need to vent and have some support please feel free to send me a message.

CanfixONLYme 04-25-2011 11:20 PM

Me too! (sending messages). See, it's people like Alone22... now that's a wonderful and supportive post. Makes me want to hug ... :D

Buffalo66 04-25-2011 11:23 PM

Can only,

I saw it, too. It can be that way, sometimes.

It was a harsh alignment of many well meaning but consistent attacks.

I agree, that people sometimes need to think back to when they were stuck.
And I sometimes wonder if people might need to check their triggers at the door.

If you have transcended a certain behavior, and you see someone else hasnt, t can bring up the pain of that time, but we need to remember the chain of service, here... pay it forward.

There is a way to dispense your viewpoint without sarcasm or direct assault. Many here are very good at that.

I can give some one sentence responses, but try to be fair.

People here are learning to heal, and they are ususally being assaulted by someone else.
I dont see the positivity in repeatedly questioning someone on why they are doing this and saying that.

that is what we are trying to heal.

If you feel triggered, give your viewpoint economically, and step away.

If you are frustrated at the persons circumstance, or pace, then you have more work to do....on your own need to have your view point sink in.

I think WTBH has come a long way, and I am proud of her work, as I am of my own.

She is here, venting a lot, because its where she has right now to do so.

If you are triggered, or angered, or CONFUSED by her choices (as fandy seemed to be) then, just log off of that thread!

Babyblue 04-26-2011 12:16 AM

You know, when I used to first talk about my relationship with the ABF, or questions I had, I remember being baffled by the responses from, why are you even asking about him, focus on yourself.

I was just the sort of girlfriend of a dopey guy in recovery. I wasn't going to turn my life over to him, marry him or even make him a sandwich if he ever drank. "I" was in better control. "I" am smarter than that. "I" had my sh*t together.

Then he relapsed and wow did I ever understand what it was they were talking about.. my need to fix, save, help, blah blah blah came out of seemingly nowhere. The people who I thought were dismissive or 'mean' actually saw what was headed my way emotionally. They tried to teach me early on that I could only take care of myself .. the disease of addiction knocks down even the most capable of people at the most unlikely of times.

Looking back now I can see how I interpreted their responses as snide or callous when it really was experience and seeing themselves in the mirror.. how they felt and acted at one time. I could almost imagine them shaking their heads when reading my posts.

For what it is worth, I am very greatful for the direct nature because I needed it. I needed a 'shake down' or I would have been in a very different place right now. That being said, I also felt scared and isolated and sometimes the blunt responses made me feel more isolated. The more gentle ones reassured me that I was going to be ok. And that my feelings were valid.

So for me, both responses were needed and both were of tremendous value.

Buffalo66 04-26-2011 12:26 AM

Ive had this, too, baby blue.

Even just tonight with LAteeda, and with Barb dwyer.

My RAH called and started into the very games they said he would. I am not surprised, just another thing to observe and chalk up to talking but not walking, but, still..

It sinks in deeper when echoed beforehand, ya know?

I just think some are better at being succinct, and all of us get triggered, because we are human.

Babyblue 04-26-2011 01:03 AM

But it took some filtering on my part to not absorb the more painful stories as my own or assume that was definately where I am headed. Situations are as unique as they are similar. I try to point that out as often as I can here because there is a tendency to generalize to the extreme.

I did/do leave the boards sometimes feeling worse about the situation or about him because I was absorbing things I needed to deflect... things that were not even remotely like who he is or the relationship I am in with him.

I was about to leave SR because I honestly felt maybe I wasn't being understood and I was tired of feeling that my compassion for him was a 'problem' or being yelled as co dependent for saying I missed him. But then Kindeyes (I believe) started a thread about the things you love about the A in your life. It let me see a different side of people and I found it very moving.

Those types of threads can be very very healing for all. There should be more of them because emotions do run high here at times.

littlefish 04-26-2011 04:25 AM

wow, wanttobehealthy sorry you feel that your experience here is not positive. I hope you give it some thought and choose to stay with us.

This site has made some huge changes in me and my life: the comments and reflections I have gotten from other recovering alcoholics has been golden. And I am codependent too, so I often visit the Friends and Family forum.

Please stick around, we will miss you if you go!

chicory 04-26-2011 04:47 AM

I hate it when they all circle and attack. sometimes they have good advice, but when it is given with such lack of tact and compassion, it just adds to your stress. It was upsetting to read that thread, for it almost seemed like they were looking for things to find wrong with everything you said. so sorry that happened to you. no one is perfect, and some who try to appear that way usually eventually show them selves to be struggling as much as those they judge- i have learned over time here.

use the ignore button for a while, and don't worry about defending yourself to those who wont really "hear" you. we all deserve to be heard, even if we are not doing what others may think is healthy. that is what helps me the most. compassion. and kind honesty. the nasty stuff makes me just go back into a shell, and fear sharing, which keeps me stuck.


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