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Old 04-26-2011, 04:19 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I wondered what your specifics were.
It's been a while since my visit with the lawyer so some details are a foggy. I was drinking from the firehose that day in terms of information overload.

Anyway, it's possible that requesting random tests is not an expense. The flip side is to make sure you're available for testing as well. It goes both ways. The other investigative work where they dig deep is the costly stuff. I doubt I could afford that myself. Therefore, I'm working a plan and keeping the camera close and the documentation current.

I also learned about something called a Protective Order. It could be something like a restraining order. I don't know but here's what I was told.
I could file one of these in an extreme case. It's one of those things that a Judge needs to approve but in general it's something that when dealing with potential alcoholics, they're normally approved immediately. You don't serve the order. Officials show up and give your alkie 15 minutes to get out. Depending on the turn around, they could be caught drunk in the process and now you have your proof and you also have some temp protection.

I'd toss in a silly disclaimer to my experiences but they're mine. I just hope my experiences can jog your memory and give you a few talking points next time you visit a lawyer.

Good luck! We're pulling for you.
I feel like I am playing PI a little myself... part of me is not at all bothered by having him here bc each time he acts in a way that is suspicious or out of line it's more proof to add to my journal. Last week I found empty bottles in my antique trunk from my grandparents and you better believe I got out the camera and snapped away with a date and time stamp the instant I found them.

Right now I feel like I am biding my time, gathering evidence and even though it sucks at times to be around him, I AM getting more proof to help my custody case so in the long run it will be beneficial I guess.

Thanks for jogging my memory about the evidence I DO have that I'd forgotten about....
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Old 04-26-2011, 05:12 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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((Hugs))

wanttobehealthy I have felt animosity and have felt attacked several times in this forum but compared to other Internet forums this one is a jewel and I am amazed about how many wonderful people gather here.

I hope you stay and keep sharing your journey. It has been easier for me to identify which posts are out of experience/care/compassion and which ones come from a place of pain/agression/ego from the poster. When I start feeling that I ignore the poster... problem solved..

Taking things personally has given me illnesses. Recently I realize I need to take as much stress away from my life as possible.... so, I need to take what I can (take beauty, take hope, take wisdom, take different points of view that may help me) and leave the rest (whatever else that places a grey cloud over my head).

Its great to hear you are taking steps forward to protect you and your kids. All the best.
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Old 04-26-2011, 06:33 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Danae- What did you do to get the court to believe you? To listen? I feel like no one believes me. To the outside world me H is a saint, fun, great dad etc... Even though he got arrested he has his family and colleagues (his boss called me and reamed me out the day after he was arrested for putting H's job at risk by calling the police) convinced that it is bc I am mentally ill and crazy and that I accused him falsely. I KNOW that being here with the girls and having him around at times is not great-- but it is a whole lot better than handing them over to him without supervision for 50% of the time. I don't have an ideal option so I am trying to make the best of the current situation while I gather "proof", document and try and navigate unfamiliar territory....

Is there anything you can share with me that helped you with the court issue?
Hi,

Oh---wish I could be helpful. It was so long ago, and i've tried to block it all out.

After my own experience I heard from a number of other women: one whose husband tried to run her over with the family car--but her own divorce lawyer didn't believe her because H was so charming! I was also told I was "too emotional" which undermined my credibility with child therapist and others. It can be very difficult to counter the image of the charming abuser, especially when they sound convincing and all you can do is cry because you are terrified for your child.

My son is over 18 now, but every now and then I realize I am still feeling like XH can do me damage in court (he took me back to court on a custody issue years after divorce just to mess with me---cost me a lot in lawyer fees and the judge basically looked at him and told him to buzz off. But it was a year of my life and a lot of $$). But no--now I am free! Son is ok. It is over. But there are about 15 years of my life that I will never get back.

One thing I did have on my side was a) a good lawyer and b) both adult and child therapists who, while not always helpful did know some dirt on my ex. He also had documented time in a rehab facility. This allowed me to get the supervision. But it wasn't easy, and it was pretty horrible for me. I've never told my son about all that I had to do to keep him safe.

After about a year after rehab everyone figured my XH was "cured"---even though his creepy manipulation and lying was still going on. My experience is that judges, therapists, friends and family may align themselves with the abuser at times and downplay any abuse. This way they get to think that life isn't that bad (better a hysterical wife/mother than an abusive husband) and people can be cured/recidivism isn't a problem. For me the worst part was that feeling that authority figures didn't believe me and made me question my sanity.

Sorry--end of rant!

All this is to say, hang in there. It can be a long road, and you are doing this for your kids first and foremost. Please do take care of yourself in any way you can. I wish I'd had a place like SR to come to. Venting is critical as is support. And maybe some of the criticism will be helpful in the long run--who knows?

Hope you can carve out some small piece of calm in the craziness. And know that you will get through it.

Hugs!
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