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Perhaps a taste of his own medicine?

Old 04-26-2011, 08:57 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lyssabee View Post
WTBH, let me ask you - what do you care what people think? If you know that you've made progress, why isn't that enough? As people keep saying, take what you want and leave the rest. Easy enough to ignore people who are upsetting you if that's what you think is best.

No need to answer, just something to think about.
CO-DEPENDENCY! I have defended, justified, cried, yelled, pleaded with my AH just as I did last night on here to try and be "heard" all bc I hate the feeling of being mis-judged. I have to get better at saying "I've said my truth- those who can't hear it have that right but their opinions don't have to impact my peace". I am working hard on that with my AH and I need to remember that AH is not the only one in my life who I should practice this with.
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Old 04-26-2011, 09:01 AM
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I was insecure and feeling out of control so to gain my control back I debated issues, trying to prove my point! After all I couldn’t do that with the alcoholic in my life so why not the people I turned to for help and support.

Looking back now to my beginning, the support I was seeking was similar to water seeking its own level. I wanted help from those people that saw things my way, felt the same way as I did. And what I discovered was they were nice people, but as far as recovery went, they had nothing to offer me as they were my equals.
Are you implying this is what you see me doing? I recognize several have accused me of this but it's not the case.

I learned that I may not like everything that people post but I have the choice to ignore it and move on. I have learned that the posts that I tended to ignore, felt like a nerve was hit, felt I was being attached, or the ones that made me feel hurt and insecure……………..were the ones that reached right down to the root of my issues, a place I either wasn’t ready to explore or too afraid to.
I don't think that distorting my words and accusing me of not knowing what I really am feeling are "getting to the root of my issues". I think that is the abusive behavior A's spew. For the last time, my issue is not with being challenged. It is when people choose to ignore what I say and instead want to to make a point that isn't relevant to what I have said that I get frustrated.

So YES I am grateful to those so called tuff posters without them I wouldn’t be where I am today!!!!!
Tough vs. being a bully= not the same thing. That's my issue. Tough is fine. Beligerant and bullying is not fine.

I noticed that this post has taken a whole different turn away from its original theme; we codies are good at that aren’t we!
??????
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Old 04-26-2011, 09:24 AM
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Went back and re-read your orginal post.

Simple......thanks for sharing.

((hugs))
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Went back and re-read your orginal post.

Simple......thanks for sharing.

((hugs))

I'm confused? I guess pm me if you want or post here to explain-- maybe I am obtuse... or maybe my caffeine hiatus is impacting my thinking!
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:37 AM
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You didn’t ask for advice. You didn’t ask a question you simple shared an unpleasant interaction in your life with your alcoholic, that’s all. You just kind of put it out there – venting.
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:57 AM
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My experience in a nutshell:

My AH just left. Then he was (kind of) apologetic, but maintained that *I* made him leave. then I reconciled and he lived with us for 4 days, and he missed a child's surgery due to being drunk, and I told him he had to go.


Even after he didn't live there, he would come over to "babysit", but then call me and harass me when I wasn't home in time for him to go out with his friends even though he didn't tell me he had plans. The last time he did this, he became obnoxious and argumentative with me, and I said "you have to go." Just like that. He was surprised and kept trying to argue because that was our game, but I said "you have to go now."

And he did. And I realized that no amount of childcare, transportation, facilitating a relationship between him and the children could make up for what him being in my house did to me emotionally.

It kept me in the drama, the arguments, the blaming, the bad moods, the selfishness.

My telling him how it was going to be "don't talk to me that way" or saying "now do you see why I can't be married to you" doesn't work. It keeps YOU from being able to move past it.

You don't see it that way because you are still in it. Whether you're handling it differently, whether you are standing up for yourself, whether your children see you standing up for yourself (what they see is fighting and conflict, because of their ages. They don't understand that you aren't taking it anymore.)

There is all the time in the world for your husband to build a relationship with the girls.

Your inviting him into your life is (likely) what is frustrating to the posters on this thread.

No one should act abusive or bullying toward you. The best thing to do with your H is to get him out of your house asap. The best thing to do on the board is not engage when you feel baited.

Sorry if this is off-base. It is offered from the position of btdt.
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:43 PM
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The phrase that kept coming to mind when reading this entire post is "Identify, Don't Compare." IMO WTBH, it appears as if you are interpreting people's posts and ES&H as "comparing" their story to yours, and you're thinking... you're not me, you don't know me, how could you possibly know how I feel? That is true, nobody is in your exact situation, nobody knows exactly how you feel and what is in your mind right now, and further, nobody should tell you an exact course of action. But contrary to "comparing," it appears to me, IMO, that the people posting here and offering their ES&H can "identify" with your feelings. Though they have not been in your EXACT situation or lived YOUR story, they have felt the feelings that you are describing and they are attempting to offer support. Again, just my opinion. But once we start "identifying" how our feelings are similar to other's feelings, rather than "comparing" how our stories are different, can we begin to accept ES&H and not feel it as an attack.
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:14 PM
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[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
My experience in a nutshell:

Even after he didn't live there, he would come over to "babysit", but then call me and harass me when I wasn't home in time for him to go out with his friends even though he didn't tell me he had plans. The last time he did this, he became obnoxious and argumentative with me, and I said "you have to go." Just like that. He was surprised and kept trying to argue because that was our game, but I said "you have to go now."

And he did. And I realized that no amount of childcare, transportation, facilitating a relationship between him and the children could make up for what him being in my house did to me emotionally.

It kept me in the drama, the arguments, the blaming, the bad moods, the selfishness.

My telling him how it was going to be "don't talk to me that way" or saying "now do you see why I can't be married to you" doesn't work. It keeps YOU from being able to move past it.

You don't see it that way because you are still in it. Whether you're handling it differently, whether you are standing up for yourself, whether your children see you standing up for yourself (what they see is fighting and conflict, because of their ages. They don't understand that you aren't taking it anymore.)
* I have tried very hard and been successful at not arguing with him in front of or around the girls. For the vast majority of the time his "being at the house" amounts to his sleeping on the couch. When he comes to see the girls around dinner time I have removed myself from the room and just do my own thing. When he tries to be snippy (with the exception of Saturday) I just ignore him and if the vibe of the house sucks bc of him the girls and I go have a fun day elsewhere. I know that being around fighting is bad for them and I know there is unnecessary tension bc he is around. I am reconsidering the arrangement that he sleep here for the reasons you describe. His parents are willing pay for him to live somewhere else and I'd been hesistant to say go for it bc I felt that money was better spent on school for the girls since they won't be able to stay at their current school if I don't find a job around here that pays what I had been making. But maybe it's better that they not have school and instead have a stress free home? I also worry that his living elsewhere ='s him taking the girls there unsupervised and I am terrified of that. It's a balancing act of what's worse right now since none of the immediate options (without a court mandate that he has supervised visitation) seem like ideal ones.

Your inviting him into your life is (likely) what is frustrating to the posters on this thread.
I can see that-- but I don't see that I have invited him to be in our lives. The issue is that I don't have the right to ban him from the girls lives- at least not until a court says I do. I have nothing legally binding saying he can't be a part of their lives and given the choice of his being in their lives without me around or with me around, the safest option for THEM is the with me around one.

No one should act abusive or bullying toward you. The best thing to do with your H is to get him out of your house asap. The best thing to do on the board is not engage when you feel baited.
You're right on both counts...

Sorry if this is off-base. It is offered from the position of btdt.
It's not off base at all and I appreciate your direct thoughts offered in a kind way. Thank you. I appreciate your sharing your story too and my jaw kind of hit the ground when you mentioned the surgery issue. My AH missed our D3's surgery this Fall bc he was drunk the night before and thought he'd "punish" me by not showing up. I'd forgotten about that.
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:48 PM
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re: surgery. Mine stayed out too late, passed out, failed to keep all the plans we'd made for the care of our other 2 children, and showed up 90 minutes late, when surgery was long over and child was asking for daddy.

His response to why he didn't show up? "he didn't agree with the plan I had made". Not that he had incapacitated himself -- just that the plans I made for the care of 3 children, coordinated with him that he agreed to the night before weren't agreeable to him when he was passed out drunk on the couch.

but mine did a lot of things to punish me, too.

You can ask him to leave, change the locks, and then make him sue you to get access to the girls. And with criminal charges hanging over him, you will likely prevail.
Ask a lawyer in your state.

You want him to plead guilty so that you don't have to testify and so that he is making an admission of guilt on the record that he is abusive. Your testimony about his drinking and picking fights is evidence.

Make him take legal action against YOU and explain to the court at the appropriate time that you are happy for him to see the children pursuant to court order, but you request that it be supervised.

This is not legal advice. It's just what I would do in your situation.
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