PurpleWilder

I'm kinda tired right now, so this may be a bit of a ramble but I'll do the best I can....

I am always pretty much alone. I have very few friends at all. This is a carryover from my childhood - it was pretty dysfunctional and as a result no one was really allowed over to play and I wasn't really allowed to go over to their house either. We lived out in the middle of nowhere so that was a factor as well. Any friend's families that I did enjoy spending time with led to accusations from my mom that I wished they were my parents instead of the ones I had. No Mom - I just wished the ones I had were even a semblance of normal or healthy or happy. I have almost no connections with my family members (except via FB) because they are very unhealthy. My mom hasn't even met my son and he is eight. I just can't expose them to all that.

This pattern worsened as I got into college. The few friends I had bolted in different directions after graduation and at the time I was engaged to a man who - shockingly enough - had a dad who was an alcoholic. This man was a social butterfly but I was absolutely paralyzed with social fear. We would go to parties and he would have a good time with his friends and I would find something to read in a quiet corner.

Met my husband one week after guy mentioned above dumped me after moving across the state without telling me (whole other story, maybe another time....). His friends were my friends - had none of my own. After the divorce - alone with nobody.

My point is - I don't know now if my social problems are from lack of ability, ingrained bad habit, or what. Maybe this is off topic, but I can't help but feel that this shortcoming is one of the things that makes me attractive to alcoholics and sons of alcoholics - I am the weakest sheep in the pack, sort of. They don't have to try very hard! And I get attracted to them because they seem to like me.

I hate being wired this way. Easter, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving - always alone or just me and the kids. Now, don't get me wrong - I adore my kids. But I also don't think it is wrong to want some grown-up fun once in a while, and it is probably healthy. I want to do more than just be out with other people who are doing stuff - I want to be with a group who is doing stuff. I see all these people laughing, having a good time, etc. and it hurts a lot. And I am very lonely on a more personal level, which makes it that much harder.

Sigh - like I said, rambling. Anxious, tired, a bit weepy, having a hard time putting it into words.

Help?

Alone22

(((hug)))) I hear you and while I may have some family to be with on the holidays it usually turns into a big drinkfest which I just hate. While I have a few friends ,most do not live close. When I see others I know having a blast doing adult things I feel envious. AH pretty much no friends, one guy he goes fishing with once a year and another is his friend from high school that he sees maybe once a year or so. I'm trying to figure out what I do that keeps people at arms distance from me. I am hoping Alanon will help. I have a huge lack of trust of others so I know this plays a part. I have been hurt too many times and it just seems easier at this point to keep my distance. I know quite a few people (mostly because of my kids) but I don't really know anyone really well.

Give your kids a big hug, pop some popcorn and watch a movie with them. I know that helps me.

lillamy

I have a question for you: Do you miss being social, do you want to be social -- or do you think you ought to want it?

I'm finding that I have to ask myself that question a lot as I go about the business of creating the blueprint for how I want my life post-alcoholic marriage to be. Because there's so much of other people's wishes in me that I have to constantly double-check if I'm doing things (or planning things or changing things) for my own sake or for somebody else's.

Just a thought.

stella27

I think that for Easter, we should all just treat ourselves like we would a tired, overstimulated child and put ourselves to bed early. Easter was tough on me and I was with my 3 children and invited to a friend's big family holiday, complete with easter agg hunts, huge dinner, lots of fun, lots of laughter.

But not my family and it made me sad that they all have each other and they were so dear to include us, and somehow being a charity case almost made it worse. Even though I know they genuinely like me.

And now I am kind of a mess.

So I think you shoudl give yourself a pass on asking these questions on a holiday and take them up sometime when you're not quite as vulnerable. Like in a week or so.

Sylvie66

((PurpleSquirrel)) Wow, I could have written an almost identical post! I won't bore you with details of my misfit life, but amaze you with .... the power of the Internet!

Through the internet, I have found:
a spiritual path, with a local organization
a hypnotherapist to help me undo my raging
forums for people in my niche-y field
running partners
babysitters
interesting events in my little town and
**MeetUps with like-minded people**

Do what you love, and nuts to everyone else. Keep posting your interests on forums, and search on websites. Eventually, like-minded people find each other, IRL, and it gets fun.

[It took me years to overcome my shyness. Now I have the opposite problem! ITA that my personality made me easy prey for soul-suckers. I like to think that I'm MUCH better now. (lalalalalala- quack!)]

- Sylvie

bookwyrm

Weird - I've been thinking about this very thing lately!

I'm in the middle of 2 weeks annual leave from work. I'm at home with the cats. I've been gardening, reading (I love my Kindle), watching DVDs, knitting and relaxing and have had very little contact with the outside world.

I've been feeling periods of contentment, especially playing in the dirt, and, of course, have to cast doubt on my mental health! I feel like I 'should' be going out and doing things that involve other people. I'm worried that being quite happy pottering about on my own means I'm a freak. I used to be very social and outgoing many, many years ago. Accepting that I prefer to do stuff on my own is something I wrestle with. My mum was very emotionally unavailable when I was growing up and I worry that I'm becoming like that - unable to express my emotions and empathise with others.

I don't have many friends and those I have are all leading busy lives too so I don't see much of them but we do keep in touch at least once a month. Is this 'normal'? Any more and I feel like I'm intruding and it feels like a strain on me - I feel like I have to be 'interesting' and 'amusing'. I tend to have more fun when I'm on my own. I don't think I handle social situations well - I get anxious and say stuff I cringe about later.

Purple Squirrel, my situation is probably different from yours - I work full time in a large open plan office. I get more than enough 'adult' time (though I do wonder about the adult bit) at work. Not 'fun' but grown up time. Do you work? Is there a chance you could get out and volunteer or something like that?

What is stopping you from joining a club or group activity if that's what you want to do? Join a book club! I did - till I realised just how irritating other people can be!!

bookwyrm

Yeah, I'm back... This thread really has me thinking!

What is it that you want from a group of friends? What need do you have that you think they will meet? Before I met XAH I was sociable and outgoing but I still had that need to 'belong' to be a part of something, to fill the missing piece: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ets-big-o.html. Having a social circle didn't make me any less vulnerable to him.

Why is a 'bad' thing to be on your own with just a few friends? What do you see is wrong? Why aren't you happy being you - why does other people's happiness hurt you?

The thing that I'm struggling with is acceptance. Of who I am - not who I (and others - mum I'm looking at you here!) think I should be. I'm thinking of to doing some step work - I stopped at the 4th step years ago and just never picked it up again. Looking at who I am, right now. What I like and don't like about me and taking baby steps to change into who I want to be. Working out who I am and want to be, well, they're the tricky parts I guess! Can I still do the steps without an A in my life?

meredithd

Purplesquirrel sounds like we had a pretty similar upbringing and I think I know exactly how you feel, my husbands family lives 8 hours away and I see them more than my own parents who live 25 minutes away (they are both alcoholics)I have my sister and 2 close friends and that's pretty much it.Sometimes if people try to befriend me I feel suspicious almost like they are up to something I hate that I feel that way and wish I knew why, I feel like I miss out on a lot of fun.

lillamy

For me, it's a balancing act. I know that I tend to slip into depression when I close myself off from other people, but I also know that part of my healing process happens in private, and also that I actually enjoy being alone.

I think for me, there's a difference in how I feel about different options. If I do things on my own because I enjoy doing things on my own (reading, making new curtains, hiking in the woods), it's a good thing. If I do things on my own because I get anxiety attacks thinking of being around other people -- it's probably not such a good thing...

StarCat

I love to be alone. I can be who I want to be, do what I want to do, and explore fun new interests. Tonight I'm going to start in on designing my own Kitty Condo for Peaches (no idea what I'm doing, so this is going to be hilarious), and I'd like to pick up some dirt at least, for the flower boxes, so that I can start in on my balcony garden.

My sister has always been the social butterfly. New best friend every year, always wanting to go out and do something.
I, meanwhile, have always been extremely picky with who I befriend, but I know as a result that they're not just "fair weather friends," I can trust them with anything. We all lead busy lives. Some I see frequently because the "busy life" I lead is parallel, others I see less frequently because we're in two different planes on most points, but I know I can rely upon all of them, and I know that they know they can rely upon me, should a disaster arise. That's all I need to be content.

That said, I can hold my own in a social situation. I can't stand it, but I've pushed myself to be comfortable with public speaking and presenting, and in a crowd I can make small talk with anyone to locate the few people in the room who seem interesting to talk to, in my opinion, and then I'll just talk to them.

In my opinion, you don't need a lot of friends to be a "whole person." You just need to feel comfortable in your own skin, no matter what situation you are in, and then whatever happens you'll have a good time.

I have discovered, as far as being shy/a wallflower is concerned, practicing being more outgoing at Al-Anon meetings, both with sharing when it's my turn, and also with the members afterwards, is a very safe environment to start with. At least it's easier to shut down the whole "but they're judging me, they won't like me!" voice. We're all here for the same problem

TakingCharge999

That was basically my holiday weekend! did you know that Katy Perry's (and his husband but I forgot his name) favorite thing is to be at her home with her cats?

Even when I felt bitter, sad, I still managed to spend all Saturday painting.

I cooked with Coconut milk for the first time - lettuce, fish, mango, and a warm dressing of Coconut milk. My "Thai" meal was very tasty!

I watched Law and order marathons and programs about the Royal Wedding.

I worked when everyone else was in the beach, etc. It got a little bit lonely..



I am becoming anxious socially but I have noticed this happens with people I don't trust. When someone gives me a good vibe its a different story (I am a good listener so I just ask them about their life.. EVERYONE loves to talk about themselves, lol...)

...but then I get tired because I seem to listen to everybody but no one shuts up and listens to ME... lol and I realize I don't like interviews/monologues as much.

Or another thing, some people like to talk about OTHERS who I don't even know, so I start hearing and endless monologue about a guy I don't know that cheated on his girlfriend and later felt bad about it, yadda yadda and I am like "WHO CARES??"


Also I am 29 and supposed to be outgoing and knowing every bar/restaurant and mingling but as you, Wise People, mention, that may be someone else's life.

I will do it if I feel like it... I also have noticed I prefer to have one-on-one conversations than talking with a larger group.....


Thanks for this thread and for letting me RANT and ramble...

theuncertainty

I hear ya, Purplesquirrel, on the wondering if I'm 'wired' so that I was an easy target for XAH. Truthfully, I still don't know and am trying really hard to work through my recent...situation.

I was quiet as a child - happy playing by myself, but I was also happy playing with my little brother and sister (as much as any older sibling can be) and playing with friends. It took me a while to warm up to new people, but once I did, they were Friends, capital F - almost like Family.

I noticed this about me too, TC, back in college. I'd go to parties on campus and have serial conversations with individuals throughout the evening. I didn't consciously do that; I'd go into the room and start talking with a group, and then just gravitate towards a single conversation with one person. Others noticed it too and started joking that it was their turn to talk with me when they stepped into the room.

Which again lead me to contemplate Purplesquirrels' query - since I liked being 'alone' dealing one-on-one with individual friends rather than groups, was I hard-wired to be isolated by XAH from my friends and family? Bleahhhh.

Lillamy, thanks for this:
I have lately found myself very much forcing myself to socialize way more than I want to because I ought to, because it would be best for DS. Sometimes, yes, I really do need to get out of the house so I don't fall as far back down the rabbit hole as I tend to, but, sometimes, enough is enough, too.

Thanks. Hang in there Purplesquirrel. Progress, not perfection.