Specific examples of boundaries
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Woodbridge, NJ
Posts: 36
Lexiecat, I see what you're saying, but I also have to disagree. When I set boundaries out loud, I did that so I could feel confident that we understood each other - as though we were both on the same page going forward.
In other words, I was so concerned with being "fair" that I would think "oh gee, you know, I never told him it wasn't okay to change my PIN number without asking me and transfer all of my money into his account and then spend it on drugs. So maybe he really didn't think I would mind" But once I said "I'm not going to share a bank account with someone who steals from me", I had no qualms about shutting that bank account down the next time he did it. (Yes, I realize I could have done it immediately. But if I were that kind of person I wouldn't be here with all you wonderful people, would I?
Three years post-recovery we still don't share a bank account, and I have no plans to change.
So I think if the point of telling him your boundaries is to get him to see the light then no, telling him is probably not wise. But if telling him will help you solidify the boundary in your mind, then I don't think there's a problem.
I actually thought long and hard about my boundaries, to make them specific and also to take the if/then out of it as much as possible. I periodically review them just so I don't forget.
In other words, I was so concerned with being "fair" that I would think "oh gee, you know, I never told him it wasn't okay to change my PIN number without asking me and transfer all of my money into his account and then spend it on drugs. So maybe he really didn't think I would mind" But once I said "I'm not going to share a bank account with someone who steals from me", I had no qualms about shutting that bank account down the next time he did it. (Yes, I realize I could have done it immediately. But if I were that kind of person I wouldn't be here with all you wonderful people, would I?
Three years post-recovery we still don't share a bank account, and I have no plans to change.So I think if the point of telling him your boundaries is to get him to see the light then no, telling him is probably not wise. But if telling him will help you solidify the boundary in your mind, then I don't think there's a problem.
I actually thought long and hard about my boundaries, to make them specific and also to take the if/then out of it as much as possible. I periodically review them just so I don't forget.
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hmmm.... some of the boundaries listed are sort of common sense no brainers.
He/she shouldn't be hurting you. He/she shouldn't be doing criminal activities, etc etc.
Period.
If you make that a boundary then it presumes that you felt he had the right to do those things but you are taking that away? That saddens me but I guess I can see how a person may not see that or feel that it has to be stated.
Some things shouldn't be seen as boundaries.
They are just simply not acceptable.
He/she shouldn't be hurting you. He/she shouldn't be doing criminal activities, etc etc.
Period.
If you make that a boundary then it presumes that you felt he had the right to do those things but you are taking that away? That saddens me but I guess I can see how a person may not see that or feel that it has to be stated.
Some things shouldn't be seen as boundaries.
They are just simply not acceptable.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Man oh man. I work with at risk moms/kids and I see some things that defy explanation in terms of what they think is or isn't acceptable for their kids.
So yeah, sadly that does need to be stated for some people.
So yeah, sadly that does need to be stated for some people.
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Yes, you would think so...but many threads are about allowing continued abuse and repeatedly being stolen from.
Another thing that is just common sense but could also be a boundary is: "I will not allow anyone to abuse my children, if they do so- I will call the police, press charges, have them arrested, and NEVER allow them around my children EVER again" and if I do not have the courage to protect my children, I will send them to a safe friends or relatives home or put them in the protective custody of the State".
Another thing that is just common sense but could also be a boundary is: "I will not allow anyone to abuse my children, if they do so- I will call the police, press charges, have them arrested, and NEVER allow them around my children EVER again" and if I do not have the courage to protect my children, I will send them to a safe friends or relatives home or put them in the protective custody of the State".
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
As far as communicating versus not communicating boundaries are concerned, I think that depends upon the reason for sharing.
If you tell someone a boundary in an attempt to control them, or change their behavior, then it's not a boundary, it's manipulation, and potentially a threat or an ultimatum.
If you tell someone a boundary because it will make you feel better about enforcing it, with no expectations regarding any changes in their behavior, then by all means, share away.
When I set up my boundaries, originally I didn't communicate them to XABF, and I discovered that made me uncomfortable enforcing some of them. As a result, I communicated the ones I was having difficulty enforcing, and when they were crossed, I went into action and protected myself without guilt.
I know I did nothing wrong by not communicating them, and I certainly expected he'd probably cross them anyway, but it made me feel better about enforcing certain ones after I told him they were there.
If you tell someone a boundary in an attempt to control them, or change their behavior, then it's not a boundary, it's manipulation, and potentially a threat or an ultimatum.
If you tell someone a boundary because it will make you feel better about enforcing it, with no expectations regarding any changes in their behavior, then by all means, share away.
When I set up my boundaries, originally I didn't communicate them to XABF, and I discovered that made me uncomfortable enforcing some of them. As a result, I communicated the ones I was having difficulty enforcing, and when they were crossed, I went into action and protected myself without guilt.
I know I did nothing wrong by not communicating them, and I certainly expected he'd probably cross them anyway, but it made me feel better about enforcing certain ones after I told him they were there.
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