I'm back but this time its for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
I'm back but this time its for me
I had originally posted here back in the fall of 2009. At the time I found this site because my relationship with my ABF had become so exhausting. His drinking was escalating and his behavior was out of control.
Having left a marraige with an alcoholic many years before I was shocked to find myself in a similar situation after what I had thought was much work on myself.
Back when I originally posted I knew what I needed to do intellectually but like so many others my heart wasn't ready to give up. The last 18 months has proven to be a continual ride on the roller coaster with the exception of last summer when for the first time in the relationship he admitted that there may be a problem and he needed "my help". Music to my Codie ears!
Its what I had waited for but turned out to be short lived. I have since realized that in addition to the alcohol there appears to be a pill addiction (oxy is my guess, he would never confirm or deny).
So that is the background, now the reason I'm back is I am ready to start looking at me and leave his behavior to him. I broke up with him at the end of February, as we've done this many times before and always wound up back together, I consciously did NC for 30 days. At the end of that period I asked him to come get his stuff. He did come and get his things an we said goodbye. There was a finality to it this time (that was about 3 weeks ago).
He has not attempted to contact me. The only connection that we still share is a cell phone plan. He wants to keep his number and asked me to give him a few weeks to take care of it before I take him off the account.
Last week I found something he left behind (expensive), called and left him a message which he didn't return and put it in my car so that I could drop it off.
Yestrday was my birthday! I asked my family to not plan anything as I really wanted the day to be by myself. I think deep down I expected to hear from him and when I did not it triggered something in me. I went into obsess mode and checked the cell phone bill where I saw hes been calling his dealer every other day multiple times up to about 15 minutes before I looked.
Something snapped and I decided today would be a good day to return the item. Went to his house and his car was there, knocked on door no answer, sent a text saying I'm here come out I have something of yours, no reply. Sent another text saying WTF you dont return my call, crazy stuff on my part...went home and looked for a meeting (My first) found a Nar-Anon meeting (no Al-anon tonight) so that is how I spent my Birthday.
I'm sorry for the length of the post but this time I'm back for me, not to repair the relationship but to really do the work on me. I need to stop obsessing and trying to fix people who dont want to be fixed. I feel broken and not even sure of what I need. Its been a long time since I had to shine the light on me but its time and I need some guidance on how to get there.
I've always been the super responsible one who everybody thinks is "so strong" and has it all together and I finally realize I'm tired and this is my bottom.
Having left a marraige with an alcoholic many years before I was shocked to find myself in a similar situation after what I had thought was much work on myself.
Back when I originally posted I knew what I needed to do intellectually but like so many others my heart wasn't ready to give up. The last 18 months has proven to be a continual ride on the roller coaster with the exception of last summer when for the first time in the relationship he admitted that there may be a problem and he needed "my help". Music to my Codie ears!
Its what I had waited for but turned out to be short lived. I have since realized that in addition to the alcohol there appears to be a pill addiction (oxy is my guess, he would never confirm or deny).
So that is the background, now the reason I'm back is I am ready to start looking at me and leave his behavior to him. I broke up with him at the end of February, as we've done this many times before and always wound up back together, I consciously did NC for 30 days. At the end of that period I asked him to come get his stuff. He did come and get his things an we said goodbye. There was a finality to it this time (that was about 3 weeks ago).
He has not attempted to contact me. The only connection that we still share is a cell phone plan. He wants to keep his number and asked me to give him a few weeks to take care of it before I take him off the account.
Last week I found something he left behind (expensive), called and left him a message which he didn't return and put it in my car so that I could drop it off.
Yestrday was my birthday! I asked my family to not plan anything as I really wanted the day to be by myself. I think deep down I expected to hear from him and when I did not it triggered something in me. I went into obsess mode and checked the cell phone bill where I saw hes been calling his dealer every other day multiple times up to about 15 minutes before I looked.
Something snapped and I decided today would be a good day to return the item. Went to his house and his car was there, knocked on door no answer, sent a text saying I'm here come out I have something of yours, no reply. Sent another text saying WTF you dont return my call, crazy stuff on my part...went home and looked for a meeting (My first) found a Nar-Anon meeting (no Al-anon tonight) so that is how I spent my Birthday.
I'm sorry for the length of the post but this time I'm back for me, not to repair the relationship but to really do the work on me. I need to stop obsessing and trying to fix people who dont want to be fixed. I feel broken and not even sure of what I need. Its been a long time since I had to shine the light on me but its time and I need some guidance on how to get there.
I've always been the super responsible one who everybody thinks is "so strong" and has it all together and I finally realize I'm tired and this is my bottom.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Yea! for wanting to work on you. It isn't easy to face ourselves when for so long we focus on the alcoholic. It isn't as scary as you think 
In fact, it will be a huge relief to you to find that you are actually doing way better than you realize. Meetings are a great start. It is an exhausting kind of love we have for them. I didn't hit bottom as much as 'I can't take this sh*t anymore, I'm worth more than that'.
Welcome to the bright side!!!
In fact, it will be a huge relief to you to find that you are actually doing way better than you realize. Meetings are a great start. It is an exhausting kind of love we have for them. I didn't hit bottom as much as 'I can't take this sh*t anymore, I'm worth more than that'. Welcome to the bright side!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Lovetolaugh.... welcome back!! And you came for the very best reason.... you!!!
Keep going to al-anon and you'll find the path out of insanity. Keep posting here because its a good supplement to meetings, and we are hear to listen and care about YOU!!
Keep going to al-anon and you'll find the path out of insanity. Keep posting here because its a good supplement to meetings, and we are hear to listen and care about YOU!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Congrats.... Yeah, it's really like a seismic shift in consciousness, isn't it?
It sounds like you have internalized my own mantra:
"He is not my god. My God is my god."
And, I've added a new line to it, based on a chapter title I came across this week:
"Let God be God."
So it then follows,
"Let me just work on me."
I just read someone here advise someone to just keep her side of the street clean. I've heard the metaphor before, but this time, for some reason I really HEARD it.
Yesterday AH went out "to get some Weed&Feed" and was gone all afternoon and into the evening. My adult son came home and asked if I wanted to go get a bite.
At that moment, a pizza delivery guy came--AH had apparently called out for pizza from a bar, given his CC over the phone and had it delivered home.
In the old days (like, last month), I would have told my son that I couldn't go out to eat because it seemed like AH was on his way home. What would happen if he had ordered the pizza and then I wasn't home to eat it with him? I would have been all anxious. I would have been angry, because he would just show up in his own good time, and just two days ago he had an endoscopy and may have some precancerous cells that have to be ablated next week, so that would have kicked up fear that he is just exacerbating the disease in his esophagus.
But, last night, when DS asked about going downtown for dinner, and the pizza guy was there, I tipped him, I put the pizza on the table and got my coat and had a great night with my son. Didn't think one bit about AH.
Congratulations to you.. it feels so good to commit to real change, even though we're facing real work. I just bought a sign for my home office at a garage sale last week: "Faith makes things possible...not easy."
It sounds like you have internalized my own mantra:
"He is not my god. My God is my god."
And, I've added a new line to it, based on a chapter title I came across this week:
"Let God be God."
So it then follows,
"Let me just work on me."
I just read someone here advise someone to just keep her side of the street clean. I've heard the metaphor before, but this time, for some reason I really HEARD it.
Yesterday AH went out "to get some Weed&Feed" and was gone all afternoon and into the evening. My adult son came home and asked if I wanted to go get a bite.
At that moment, a pizza delivery guy came--AH had apparently called out for pizza from a bar, given his CC over the phone and had it delivered home.
In the old days (like, last month), I would have told my son that I couldn't go out to eat because it seemed like AH was on his way home. What would happen if he had ordered the pizza and then I wasn't home to eat it with him? I would have been all anxious. I would have been angry, because he would just show up in his own good time, and just two days ago he had an endoscopy and may have some precancerous cells that have to be ablated next week, so that would have kicked up fear that he is just exacerbating the disease in his esophagus.
But, last night, when DS asked about going downtown for dinner, and the pizza guy was there, I tipped him, I put the pizza on the table and got my coat and had a great night with my son. Didn't think one bit about AH.
Congratulations to you.. it feels so good to commit to real change, even though we're facing real work. I just bought a sign for my home office at a garage sale last week: "Faith makes things possible...not easy."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Thanks all for the warm welcome!
My emotions are still just all over the place. I'm going to continue going to meetings and just try to get a grip on myself.
My biggest issue has always been overthinking and overanalyzing everything. I become obsessive reading everything i can get my hands on about addiction, alcoholism, recovery etc.... I sepnd way to much time thinking and not enough time doing anything real to effect change.
I want to get to that place where I can have the thought and then just let it go.
I'm beginning to realize how much of a toll this relationship had on me. Much like an addict I find myself just wanting to feel better and not have to go through the pain to get to the other side. One day at a time right?
Thank you for listening. I hope to learn through all of your growth and hopefully be able to contribute.
My emotions are still just all over the place. I'm going to continue going to meetings and just try to get a grip on myself.
My biggest issue has always been overthinking and overanalyzing everything. I become obsessive reading everything i can get my hands on about addiction, alcoholism, recovery etc.... I sepnd way to much time thinking and not enough time doing anything real to effect change.
I want to get to that place where I can have the thought and then just let it go.
I'm beginning to realize how much of a toll this relationship had on me. Much like an addict I find myself just wanting to feel better and not have to go through the pain to get to the other side. One day at a time right?
Thank you for listening. I hope to learn through all of your growth and hopefully be able to contribute.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Congratulations, honey, for all the realizations you've been coming to! I can totally relate to what you're talking about. Our paths sound similar.
My exabf did coke and ecstasy and all kinds of other drugs. We've been off and on for 3.5 yrs, much of that time I knew he was an alcoholic but didn't face it. I feel a lot of guilt for that. I did much enabling.
My bottom was him putting a gun in his mouth and threatening suicide during an argument. Once again, I didn't handle it correctly. I should've called 9-1-1.
I could go on forever beating myself up about how I handled things. I finally, in mid-March, told him not to contact me unless and until he got sober.
Up to that point, he was in therapy (I think just to please me, and in hopes of getting back with me), but I found out later, he had by that time already reconnected with an ex who's a pot addict, who he's used as a backup for YEARS. He'd run to her when things got bad between us - it happened a couple of times.
She obviously has no problem with his drinking and messed up behavior.
I found this out from a friend who saw them together and..here's where I screwed up. I did some cyberstalking to confirm what I'd suspected. Then of course, in typical codie fashion, read him the riot act over text message.
Ugh.
So, I consider what you did, checking the phone bill and looking for signs of addict activity, very similiar to what I did. And of course, you know that delivering the expensive item was just an excuse to get up in his business again. Otherwise, you could have had a courier service take care of it.
Anyway, you and I are at the same place. We relapsed. We didn't stick with No Contact, and now we're feeling the guilt and shame and all the cr*p that comes with a relapse.
How about this? How about we dust ourselves off, and start over..you know, one day at a time and all that...let's be gentle with ourselves, and get back to al-anon meetings. Let's make a mutual pact to start working the steps (or maybe it's "again" for you, I know it's again for me).
I would very much like to be here for you as a source of support. Whenever you feel like contacting the A, or in any way letting him have space in your head rent-free by engaging in "checking up" activities, or anything crazy like that, feel free to PM me. Deal??
My exabf did coke and ecstasy and all kinds of other drugs. We've been off and on for 3.5 yrs, much of that time I knew he was an alcoholic but didn't face it. I feel a lot of guilt for that. I did much enabling.
My bottom was him putting a gun in his mouth and threatening suicide during an argument. Once again, I didn't handle it correctly. I should've called 9-1-1.
I could go on forever beating myself up about how I handled things. I finally, in mid-March, told him not to contact me unless and until he got sober.
Up to that point, he was in therapy (I think just to please me, and in hopes of getting back with me), but I found out later, he had by that time already reconnected with an ex who's a pot addict, who he's used as a backup for YEARS. He'd run to her when things got bad between us - it happened a couple of times.
She obviously has no problem with his drinking and messed up behavior.
I found this out from a friend who saw them together and..here's where I screwed up. I did some cyberstalking to confirm what I'd suspected. Then of course, in typical codie fashion, read him the riot act over text message.
Ugh.
So, I consider what you did, checking the phone bill and looking for signs of addict activity, very similiar to what I did. And of course, you know that delivering the expensive item was just an excuse to get up in his business again. Otherwise, you could have had a courier service take care of it.
Anyway, you and I are at the same place. We relapsed. We didn't stick with No Contact, and now we're feeling the guilt and shame and all the cr*p that comes with a relapse.
How about this? How about we dust ourselves off, and start over..you know, one day at a time and all that...let's be gentle with ourselves, and get back to al-anon meetings. Let's make a mutual pact to start working the steps (or maybe it's "again" for you, I know it's again for me).
I would very much like to be here for you as a source of support. Whenever you feel like contacting the A, or in any way letting him have space in your head rent-free by engaging in "checking up" activities, or anything crazy like that, feel free to PM me. Deal??
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh 
I had originally posted here back in the fall of 2009. At the time I found this site because my relationship with my ABF had become so exhausting. His drinking was escalating and his behavior was out of control.
Having left a marraige with an alcoholic many years before I was shocked to find myself in a similar situation after what I had thought was much work on myself.
Back when I originally posted I knew what I needed to do intellectually but like so many others my heart wasn't ready to give up. The last 18 months has proven to be a continual ride on the roller coaster with the exception of last summer when for the first time in the relationship he admitted that there may be a problem and he needed "my help". Music to my Codie ears!
Its what I had waited for but turned out to be short lived. I have since realized that in addition to the alcohol there appears to be a pill addiction (oxy is my guess, he would never confirm or deny).
So that is the background, now the reason I'm back is I am ready to start looking at me and leave his behavior to him. I broke up with him at the end of February, as we've done this many times before and always wound up back together, I consciously did NC for 30 days. At the end of that period I asked him to come get his stuff. He did come and get his things an we said goodbye. There was a finality to it this time (that was about 3 weeks ago).
He has not attempted to contact me. The only connection that we still share is a cell phone plan. He wants to keep his number and asked me to give him a few weeks to take care of it before I take him off the account.
Last week I found something he left behind (expensive), called and left him a message which he didn't return and put it in my car so that I could drop it off.
Yestrday was my birthday! I asked my family to not plan anything as I really wanted the day to be by myself. I think deep down I expected to hear from him and when I did not it triggered something in me. I went into obsess mode and checked the cell phone bill where I saw hes been calling his dealer every other day multiple times up to about 15 minutes before I looked.
Something snapped and I decided today would be a good day to return the item. Went to his house and his car was there, knocked on door no answer, sent a text saying I'm here come out I have something of yours, no reply. Sent another text saying WTF you dont return my call, crazy stuff on my part...went home and looked for a meeting (My first) found a Nar-Anon meeting (no Al-anon tonight) so that is how I spent my Birthday.
I'm sorry for the length of the post but this time I'm back for me, not to repair the relationship but to really do the work on me. I need to stop obsessing and trying to fix people who dont want to be fixed. I feel broken and not even sure of what I need. Its been a long time since I had to shine the light on me but its time and I need some guidance on how to get there.
I've always been the super responsible one who everybody thinks is "so strong" and has it all together and I finally realize I'm tired and this is my bottom.
Having left a marraige with an alcoholic many years before I was shocked to find myself in a similar situation after what I had thought was much work on myself.
Back when I originally posted I knew what I needed to do intellectually but like so many others my heart wasn't ready to give up. The last 18 months has proven to be a continual ride on the roller coaster with the exception of last summer when for the first time in the relationship he admitted that there may be a problem and he needed "my help". Music to my Codie ears!
Its what I had waited for but turned out to be short lived. I have since realized that in addition to the alcohol there appears to be a pill addiction (oxy is my guess, he would never confirm or deny).
So that is the background, now the reason I'm back is I am ready to start looking at me and leave his behavior to him. I broke up with him at the end of February, as we've done this many times before and always wound up back together, I consciously did NC for 30 days. At the end of that period I asked him to come get his stuff. He did come and get his things an we said goodbye. There was a finality to it this time (that was about 3 weeks ago).
He has not attempted to contact me. The only connection that we still share is a cell phone plan. He wants to keep his number and asked me to give him a few weeks to take care of it before I take him off the account.
Last week I found something he left behind (expensive), called and left him a message which he didn't return and put it in my car so that I could drop it off.
Yestrday was my birthday! I asked my family to not plan anything as I really wanted the day to be by myself. I think deep down I expected to hear from him and when I did not it triggered something in me. I went into obsess mode and checked the cell phone bill where I saw hes been calling his dealer every other day multiple times up to about 15 minutes before I looked.
Something snapped and I decided today would be a good day to return the item. Went to his house and his car was there, knocked on door no answer, sent a text saying I'm here come out I have something of yours, no reply. Sent another text saying WTF you dont return my call, crazy stuff on my part...went home and looked for a meeting (My first) found a Nar-Anon meeting (no Al-anon tonight) so that is how I spent my Birthday.
I'm sorry for the length of the post but this time I'm back for me, not to repair the relationship but to really do the work on me. I need to stop obsessing and trying to fix people who dont want to be fixed. I feel broken and not even sure of what I need. Its been a long time since I had to shine the light on me but its time and I need some guidance on how to get there.
I've always been the super responsible one who everybody thinks is "so strong" and has it all together and I finally realize I'm tired and this is my bottom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Wow,Sandrawg I wish I could reach out and hug you right now. You just nailed the emotions I'm feeling.
Now with all the realizations I'm having I am just beating myself up about how wrong I handled things throughout most of this relationship. I became the master enabler.
I also have to be honest with myself now and admit that when we first started dating (about 3.5 years ago) I knew he had a drinking problem. He didn't but I did and dove in headfirst anyway. Looking back at my journals it amazes me to see that I wrote that I thought there was more than alcohol involved way back within the first year we were together. The signs were all there but again I chose to not confront any of it. I realize now that the drug use was probably going on long before we met.
Can I confess how screwed up I am? I chose to ignore these issues when I could throughout the relationship by just dealing with the "fires I needed to put out"and now that its over it seems I have this compulsion to talk it through with him. How bizarre is that?
Its like the psycho part of me feels that now I have all the answers or the knowledge to change things. The good news is the rational me knows that nothing will change, that he has chosen his path and I need to let it go but sometimes the frustration just builds and I set myself up for failure (like the other night).
You are absolutely right about the relapse and the associated shame and guilt.
It helps so much to think of someone with a similar story kind of being at the same point as me (I hope that came out the way it was intended and not to imply your as messed up as me lol).
I would very much like to start over and support each other. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear today. I hope that I can offer you the same support, please feel free to reach out to me.
So for me today is day 1 again. How are you doing?
Now with all the realizations I'm having I am just beating myself up about how wrong I handled things throughout most of this relationship. I became the master enabler.
I also have to be honest with myself now and admit that when we first started dating (about 3.5 years ago) I knew he had a drinking problem. He didn't but I did and dove in headfirst anyway. Looking back at my journals it amazes me to see that I wrote that I thought there was more than alcohol involved way back within the first year we were together. The signs were all there but again I chose to not confront any of it. I realize now that the drug use was probably going on long before we met.
Can I confess how screwed up I am? I chose to ignore these issues when I could throughout the relationship by just dealing with the "fires I needed to put out"and now that its over it seems I have this compulsion to talk it through with him. How bizarre is that?
Its like the psycho part of me feels that now I have all the answers or the knowledge to change things. The good news is the rational me knows that nothing will change, that he has chosen his path and I need to let it go but sometimes the frustration just builds and I set myself up for failure (like the other night).
You are absolutely right about the relapse and the associated shame and guilt.
It helps so much to think of someone with a similar story kind of being at the same point as me (I hope that came out the way it was intended and not to imply your as messed up as me lol).
I would very much like to start over and support each other. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear today. I hope that I can offer you the same support, please feel free to reach out to me.
So for me today is day 1 again. How are you doing?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
It's amazing how sometimes we can't or won't see what is right infront of our eyes. I think I knew deep down in my heart from Day 1 that my XABF had a drinking problem but I didn't want to face the fact that someone I chose to date had any problems (because if I chose someone so messed up that would mean I had some issues of my own and I didn't want to think I was messed up too). Ohhh, but I was. Now, I'm working on myself and working on making better choices everyday. As for him, he's working on getting a buzz.
In the past when he would hurt me, I would run right back to him to numb the pain that HE caused. Now I don't have him or anyone else to numb the pain. It is hard to face that pain all by yourself but you know you are doing the right thing when it seems hard. The RIGHT thing is always the HARDEST. Otherwise, if it seems easy its usually because its not right. If you stay comfortable doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, you don't change and you don't grow and you always wind up back at square 1 anyway. Congrats on doing the RIGHT thing!!
In the past when he would hurt me, I would run right back to him to numb the pain that HE caused. Now I don't have him or anyone else to numb the pain. It is hard to face that pain all by yourself but you know you are doing the right thing when it seems hard. The RIGHT thing is always the HARDEST. Otherwise, if it seems easy its usually because its not right. If you stay comfortable doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, you don't change and you don't grow and you always wind up back at square 1 anyway. Congrats on doing the RIGHT thing!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
HAHA! Don't worry-you can't offend me. Step 1 is admitting we are powerless, right?
I think Step 0 may be "we are really messed up."
I was with my ex for 3.5 yrs off and on, too-wow, we have a lot in common.
I feel your pain of, wanting to talk through stuff with your bf, but you just can't. An alcoholic is just not reasonable or rational. Plus, they never take responsibility for everything. So everything you try to talk to them about, to them, comes across as an attack. They cannot handle criticism.
I would acknowledge my faults in the relationship all the time, but he didn't hear that. Nope. It was always "you're so perfect, aren't you? It's always ME."
And when I broke up with him over drinking...wow. The denial. He was saying "It's always about drinking with you. Why do you always make it about drinking?"
"BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT DRINKING"
Jeez.
I might as well have been talking to the wall-it'd be a lot less frustrating.
I too ignored all the signs. Our first date I think he chugged down a whole bottle of Jack. We weren't living near each other, so I had no idea how much he was drinking during the week. However, sometimes he would call me or text me from the bar sloppy drunk. Then we'd have a big fight.
He'd occasionally make half-hearted attempts to convince me that he wanted a healthier life. One time after we broke up, he even went to ONE AA meeting. Woo hoo--my bad though--I took him back with only vapor promises and no concrete action.
He's the type who can live in denial because he binge drinks. He's not a wake up in the morning and drink kind of alcoholic. He keeps those types around him, tho, so he can always point to himself and say "I'm not so bad."
Yeah, I just couldn't do it anymore. I think even if I had found al-anon earlier than I did, I would still have walked away from him. It's just too painful to watch someone kill themselves.
So yeah, day 1 and I am doing GREAT! I'm going out with some friends to see a Prince concert! So I'm focusing on the good time I'm going to have.
How are you?
I think Step 0 may be "we are really messed up."
I was with my ex for 3.5 yrs off and on, too-wow, we have a lot in common.
I feel your pain of, wanting to talk through stuff with your bf, but you just can't. An alcoholic is just not reasonable or rational. Plus, they never take responsibility for everything. So everything you try to talk to them about, to them, comes across as an attack. They cannot handle criticism.
I would acknowledge my faults in the relationship all the time, but he didn't hear that. Nope. It was always "you're so perfect, aren't you? It's always ME."
And when I broke up with him over drinking...wow. The denial. He was saying "It's always about drinking with you. Why do you always make it about drinking?"
"BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT DRINKING"
Jeez.
I might as well have been talking to the wall-it'd be a lot less frustrating.
I too ignored all the signs. Our first date I think he chugged down a whole bottle of Jack. We weren't living near each other, so I had no idea how much he was drinking during the week. However, sometimes he would call me or text me from the bar sloppy drunk. Then we'd have a big fight.
He'd occasionally make half-hearted attempts to convince me that he wanted a healthier life. One time after we broke up, he even went to ONE AA meeting. Woo hoo--my bad though--I took him back with only vapor promises and no concrete action.
He's the type who can live in denial because he binge drinks. He's not a wake up in the morning and drink kind of alcoholic. He keeps those types around him, tho, so he can always point to himself and say "I'm not so bad."
Yeah, I just couldn't do it anymore. I think even if I had found al-anon earlier than I did, I would still have walked away from him. It's just too painful to watch someone kill themselves.
So yeah, day 1 and I am doing GREAT! I'm going out with some friends to see a Prince concert! So I'm focusing on the good time I'm going to have.
How are you?
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
Wow,Sandrawg I wish I could reach out and hug you right now. You just nailed the emotions I'm feeling.
Now with all the realizations I'm having I am just beating myself up about how wrong I handled things throughout most of this relationship. I became the master enabler.
I also have to be honest with myself now and admit that when we first started dating (about 3.5 years ago) I knew he had a drinking problem. He didn't but I did and dove in headfirst anyway. Looking back at my journals it amazes me to see that I wrote that I thought there was more than alcohol involved way back within the first year we were together. The signs were all there but again I chose to not confront any of it. I realize now that the drug use was probably going on long before we met.
Can I confess how screwed up I am? I chose to ignore these issues when I could throughout the relationship by just dealing with the "fires I needed to put out"and now that its over it seems I have this compulsion to talk it through with him. How bizarre is that?
Its like the psycho part of me feels that now I have all the answers or the knowledge to change things. The good news is the rational me knows that nothing will change, that he has chosen his path and I need to let it go but sometimes the frustration just builds and I set myself up for failure (like the other night).
You are absolutely right about the relapse and the associated shame and guilt.
It helps so much to think of someone with a similar story kind of being at the same point as me (I hope that came out the way it was intended and not to imply your as messed up as me lol).
I would very much like to start over and support each other. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear today. I hope that I can offer you the same support, please feel free to reach out to me.
So for me today is day 1 again. How are you doing?
Now with all the realizations I'm having I am just beating myself up about how wrong I handled things throughout most of this relationship. I became the master enabler.
I also have to be honest with myself now and admit that when we first started dating (about 3.5 years ago) I knew he had a drinking problem. He didn't but I did and dove in headfirst anyway. Looking back at my journals it amazes me to see that I wrote that I thought there was more than alcohol involved way back within the first year we were together. The signs were all there but again I chose to not confront any of it. I realize now that the drug use was probably going on long before we met.
Can I confess how screwed up I am? I chose to ignore these issues when I could throughout the relationship by just dealing with the "fires I needed to put out"and now that its over it seems I have this compulsion to talk it through with him. How bizarre is that?
Its like the psycho part of me feels that now I have all the answers or the knowledge to change things. The good news is the rational me knows that nothing will change, that he has chosen his path and I need to let it go but sometimes the frustration just builds and I set myself up for failure (like the other night).
You are absolutely right about the relapse and the associated shame and guilt.
It helps so much to think of someone with a similar story kind of being at the same point as me (I hope that came out the way it was intended and not to imply your as messed up as me lol).
I would very much like to start over and support each other. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear today. I hope that I can offer you the same support, please feel free to reach out to me.
So for me today is day 1 again. How are you doing?
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We ran to them, like they ran to the bottle, huh?
And in both cases, all it did was cause pain and heartbreak.
And in both cases, all it did was cause pain and heartbreak.
Originally Posted by duqld1717
It's amazing how sometimes we can't or won't see what is right infront of our eyes. I think I knew deep down in my heart from Day 1 that my XABF had a drinking problem but I didn't want to face the fact that someone I chose to date had any problems (because if I chose someone so messed up that would mean I had some issues of my own and I didn't want to think I was messed up too). Ohhh, but I was. Now, I'm working on myself and working on making better choices everyday. As for him, he's working on getting a buzz.
In the past when he would hurt me, I would run right back to him to numb the pain that HE caused. Now I don't have him or anyone else to numb the pain. It is hard to face that pain all by yourself but you know you are doing the right thing when it seems hard. The RIGHT thing is always the HARDEST. Otherwise, if it seems easy its usually because its not right. If you stay comfortable doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, you don't change and you don't grow and you always wind up back at square 1 anyway. Congrats on doing the RIGHT thing!!
In the past when he would hurt me, I would run right back to him to numb the pain that HE caused. Now I don't have him or anyone else to numb the pain. It is hard to face that pain all by yourself but you know you are doing the right thing when it seems hard. The RIGHT thing is always the HARDEST. Otherwise, if it seems easy its usually because its not right. If you stay comfortable doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, you don't change and you don't grow and you always wind up back at square 1 anyway. Congrats on doing the RIGHT thing!!
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Is everybody saying exctly what I need today or is it that I'm finally willing to hear it?
Thank you Duqld1717 for your response. I can especially relate to the fact that you said you kept running back to him to numb the pain that he actually caused. I did the same thing which just perpetuated the whole cycle.
I can see now that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep this relationship intact. The question that I need to work on is why?
I deserve so much more then I've allowed myself. This is not my first relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
I'm definately not looking for an easy fix this time. I have wasted so much time putting myself last, I'm just not sure how to start shifting my perspective and really ingraining in myself that I'm deserving, any thoughts?
I"ve always thought I've projected myself as a confident, capable woman and yet I realize that its all "smoke and mirrors" I'm much more insecure than even I realized. Really no wonder I find myself with broken men, it must feed into some need I have to feel superior in some way.
Wow really the queen of rambling today! LOL
Thank you Duqld1717 for your response. I can especially relate to the fact that you said you kept running back to him to numb the pain that he actually caused. I did the same thing which just perpetuated the whole cycle.
I can see now that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep this relationship intact. The question that I need to work on is why?
I deserve so much more then I've allowed myself. This is not my first relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
I'm definately not looking for an easy fix this time. I have wasted so much time putting myself last, I'm just not sure how to start shifting my perspective and really ingraining in myself that I'm deserving, any thoughts?
I"ve always thought I've projected myself as a confident, capable woman and yet I realize that its all "smoke and mirrors" I'm much more insecure than even I realized. Really no wonder I find myself with broken men, it must feed into some need I have to feel superior in some way.
Wow really the queen of rambling today! LOL
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I dunno, figuring ourselves out is a challenging task! I, too, had relationships with emotionally unavailable men after my 1st one ended. My 1st was actually my best but I was too young to appreciate it.
I kept running straight into those red flags! You'd think I was a BULL! yeesh.
I have the book Codependent No More but I need to actually READ it. lol
I know I need to keep going to al-anon meetings, maybe even CODA meetings..I know I need to work the steps..
Those are tried and true methods that have worked for tons of people so I'm sure they will work for me. I know I might not end up perfect, but I'll be a lot smarter and better at looking out for myself through those steps.
I think the hardest thing is discipline. Or slippage. I think about people I've known in AA who work hard, get sober, and then get lazy. And next thing you know, they're relapsing. Discipline is my toughest challenge.
Thanks to this board tho, for reminding me what I need to do.
Yknow, alcoholics are pretty much textbook, and so are we codies. So it's no wonder we all have such similar stories.
That gives me hope tho, because I know many who had similar stories to us, who came through this mess and are in a MUCH better place now. There is hope!!
{hugs}
I kept running straight into those red flags! You'd think I was a BULL! yeesh.
I have the book Codependent No More but I need to actually READ it. lol
I know I need to keep going to al-anon meetings, maybe even CODA meetings..I know I need to work the steps..
Those are tried and true methods that have worked for tons of people so I'm sure they will work for me. I know I might not end up perfect, but I'll be a lot smarter and better at looking out for myself through those steps.
I think the hardest thing is discipline. Or slippage. I think about people I've known in AA who work hard, get sober, and then get lazy. And next thing you know, they're relapsing. Discipline is my toughest challenge.
Thanks to this board tho, for reminding me what I need to do.
Yknow, alcoholics are pretty much textbook, and so are we codies. So it's no wonder we all have such similar stories.
That gives me hope tho, because I know many who had similar stories to us, who came through this mess and are in a MUCH better place now. There is hope!!
{hugs}
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
Is everybody saying exctly what I need today or is it that I'm finally willing to hear it?
Thank you Duqld1717 for your response. I can especially relate to the fact that you said you kept running back to him to numb the pain that he actually caused. I did the same thing which just perpetuated the whole cycle.
I can see now that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep this relationship intact. The question that I need to work on is why?
I deserve so much more then I've allowed myself. This is not my first relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
I'm definately not looking for an easy fix this time. I have wasted so much time putting myself last, I'm just not sure how to start shifting my perspective and really ingraining in myself that I'm deserving, any thoughts?
I"ve always thought I've projected myself as a confident, capable woman and yet I realize that its all "smoke and mirrors" I'm much more insecure than even I realized. Really no wonder I find myself with broken men, it must feed into some need I have to feel superior in some way.
Wow really the queen of rambling today! LOL
Thank you Duqld1717 for your response. I can especially relate to the fact that you said you kept running back to him to numb the pain that he actually caused. I did the same thing which just perpetuated the whole cycle.
I can see now that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep this relationship intact. The question that I need to work on is why?
I deserve so much more then I've allowed myself. This is not my first relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
I'm definately not looking for an easy fix this time. I have wasted so much time putting myself last, I'm just not sure how to start shifting my perspective and really ingraining in myself that I'm deserving, any thoughts?
I"ve always thought I've projected myself as a confident, capable woman and yet I realize that its all "smoke and mirrors" I'm much more insecure than even I realized. Really no wonder I find myself with broken men, it must feed into some need I have to feel superior in some way.
Wow really the queen of rambling today! LOL
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Have an awesome time at the concert, I actually saw Janet Jackson a couple of weeks ago because my friend had tickets and it turned out to be such a good show!!
She wasn't somebody that I would have actually thought of going to see but I'm so glad I went we had a blast!!
She wasn't somebody that I would have actually thought of going to see but I'm so glad I went we had a blast!!
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He's the type who can live in denial because he binge drinks. He's not a wake up in the morning and drink kind of alcoholic. He keeps those types around him, tho, so he can always point to himself and say "I'm not so bad."
Yup. Same with mine. Binger. But those binges can be so bad and so out of control that they made up for him not drinking all week. It just wasn't worth it. I could not stand to be around him with a drink in his hand to the point where I would have panic attacks before the weekend started. Talk about PTSD. That was my middle name. Just as I was getting over last weekends shenanigans, it was friday again and the chaos started all over again. Just. Not. Worth. It. I choose not to live in fear anymore.
I can especially relate to the fact that you said you kept running back to him to numb the pain that he actually caused. I did the same thing which just perpetuated the whole cycle.
I can see now that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep this relationship intact. The question that I need to work on is why?
I deserve so much more then I've allowed myself. This is not my first relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
You made the right choice. He can go mess someone else's life up because you are done with the merry go round. The reason I kept going back was because I wanted that charming guy that I first met to come back. It took me a long time to realize that charming guy wasn't real, he was an illusion that was made up in order to suck me in. The real him was just an abusive miserable Alcoholic plain and simple. As for the next guy you choose-take it slow, ask yourself am I allowed to be myself around this person? Or do I find myself conforming to what someone else wants me to be? And does this person accept me at my absolute best as well as my absolute worst? Is this unconditional love or conditional love?
Yup. Same with mine. Binger. But those binges can be so bad and so out of control that they made up for him not drinking all week. It just wasn't worth it. I could not stand to be around him with a drink in his hand to the point where I would have panic attacks before the weekend started. Talk about PTSD. That was my middle name. Just as I was getting over last weekends shenanigans, it was friday again and the chaos started all over again. Just. Not. Worth. It. I choose not to live in fear anymore.
I can especially relate to the fact that you said you kept running back to him to numb the pain that he actually caused. I did the same thing which just perpetuated the whole cycle.
I can see now that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep this relationship intact. The question that I need to work on is why?
I deserve so much more then I've allowed myself. This is not my first relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
You made the right choice. He can go mess someone else's life up because you are done with the merry go round. The reason I kept going back was because I wanted that charming guy that I first met to come back. It took me a long time to realize that charming guy wasn't real, he was an illusion that was made up in order to suck me in. The real him was just an abusive miserable Alcoholic plain and simple. As for the next guy you choose-take it slow, ask yourself am I allowed to be myself around this person? Or do I find myself conforming to what someone else wants me to be? And does this person accept me at my absolute best as well as my absolute worst? Is this unconditional love or conditional love?
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Duqld1717, You're so right, my BF was Smokin Hot, Super Intelligent Guy. When we got together he would always talk about "trusting my heart". Whenever he would talk of the future I was the one who said "We'll See", he hated that, he kept wanting me to take a chance and let him in. At the beginning I think I felt undeserving of him and thats why I was so cautious of getting my heart broken.
Now i realize that once I did give him my heart I was always chasing that guy, hoping he would come back and you know what he never existed. It dawned on me that I never knew him sober so did I really know him at all? Complete Illusion. He allowed me to see what he wanted me to see and I played right into it by denying all the waving red flags for the payoff of being with "Mr. Wonderful".
Anvilhead thank you, thats a beautiful analogy exactly like I'm feeling right now. You know when your not happy with where you are mentally and then that transfers to how you feel physically and spiritually. This work on myself I am going to consider my resting phase and then look out when I make my debut from wounded caterpillar to beautiful butterfly.
I think along with my meetings I am going to do something small each day just for me and stop thinking that it would be selfish to put myself first.
Now i realize that once I did give him my heart I was always chasing that guy, hoping he would come back and you know what he never existed. It dawned on me that I never knew him sober so did I really know him at all? Complete Illusion. He allowed me to see what he wanted me to see and I played right into it by denying all the waving red flags for the payoff of being with "Mr. Wonderful".
Anvilhead thank you, thats a beautiful analogy exactly like I'm feeling right now. You know when your not happy with where you are mentally and then that transfers to how you feel physically and spiritually. This work on myself I am going to consider my resting phase and then look out when I make my debut from wounded caterpillar to beautiful butterfly.
I think along with my meetings I am going to do something small each day just for me and stop thinking that it would be selfish to put myself first.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Duqld1717, You're so right, my BF was Smokin Hot, Super Intelligent Guy. When we got together he would always talk about "trusting my heart". Whenever he would talk of the future I was the one who said "We'll See", he hated that, he kept wanting me to take a chance and let him in. At the beginning I think I felt undeserving of him and thats why I was so cautious of getting my heart broken.
LovetoLaugh-Did we date the same guy?? They sound indentical. Hot, Had tons of friends, got all the invites to the nice events and free tickets to anything. He was all about winning me over at first. He took me all over town on lavish dates. He told me he loved me after a month and he was so hurt when I wouldn't say it back. But eventually I did say it back and and that is when the sh%t hit the fan. He started ignoring me, getting drunk all the time, and chasing other girls. I should have been done right there and then but I had to keep going back for more. I wanted THAT guy back that was "prince charming"....He should win an academy award for his performance in faking me out. But prince charming was actually just a frog. A dud. I just found out he is now dating a 23 year old.....figures, another one young and dumb to fall for his crap. I will probably run into him when he is 70 years old doing the same thing to women. Does it ever end with them?? Do they ever stop conning people? What a crappy life that must be....two thumbs down on that one
Oh, and I don't think I ever knew him sober either. Thinking back now, even when he wasn't drinking in front of me he was withdrawing and miserable. He was either drunk or withdrawing. I never knew WHO he really was either. Fun stuff.
LovetoLaugh-Did we date the same guy?? They sound indentical. Hot, Had tons of friends, got all the invites to the nice events and free tickets to anything. He was all about winning me over at first. He took me all over town on lavish dates. He told me he loved me after a month and he was so hurt when I wouldn't say it back. But eventually I did say it back and and that is when the sh%t hit the fan. He started ignoring me, getting drunk all the time, and chasing other girls. I should have been done right there and then but I had to keep going back for more. I wanted THAT guy back that was "prince charming"....He should win an academy award for his performance in faking me out. But prince charming was actually just a frog. A dud. I just found out he is now dating a 23 year old.....figures, another one young and dumb to fall for his crap. I will probably run into him when he is 70 years old doing the same thing to women. Does it ever end with them?? Do they ever stop conning people? What a crappy life that must be....two thumbs down on that one
Oh, and I don't think I ever knew him sober either. Thinking back now, even when he wasn't drinking in front of me he was withdrawing and miserable. He was either drunk or withdrawing. I never knew WHO he really was either. Fun stuff.
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I was thinking the same thing-I didn't know who my exabf was, either.
Well, not totally true-I kind of got a glimpse of it for a couple of months when he didn't drink in front of me, wasn't really going to the bars..he would drink when he was back at his place, but I don't think he was getting drunk. That was my one glimpse of who he could be if he'd been pursuing a more healthy lifestyle.
However, during that time he would pace a lot, which drove me crazy, and I'm not sure if it was his ADHD or withdrawal. And as soon as a friend of his from high school moved back into town, he started going to the bars with him. This friend is an Iraqi war vet who's self-medicating with alcohol and xanax.
Another reason I'm not sure who he was is he could write me these amazing email letters talking about how he wanted to be healthy. He recognized a lot of his emotional/mental problems but never seemed to want to take real steps to do anything about them.
Alcoholics can be so deceptive, that you really can't tell what's true and what's not with them. Makes it very hard to figure out who they really are.
Well, not totally true-I kind of got a glimpse of it for a couple of months when he didn't drink in front of me, wasn't really going to the bars..he would drink when he was back at his place, but I don't think he was getting drunk. That was my one glimpse of who he could be if he'd been pursuing a more healthy lifestyle.
However, during that time he would pace a lot, which drove me crazy, and I'm not sure if it was his ADHD or withdrawal. And as soon as a friend of his from high school moved back into town, he started going to the bars with him. This friend is an Iraqi war vet who's self-medicating with alcohol and xanax.
Another reason I'm not sure who he was is he could write me these amazing email letters talking about how he wanted to be healthy. He recognized a lot of his emotional/mental problems but never seemed to want to take real steps to do anything about them.
Alcoholics can be so deceptive, that you really can't tell what's true and what's not with them. Makes it very hard to figure out who they really are.
Originally Posted by duqld1717
Duqld1717, You're so right, my BF was Smokin Hot, Super Intelligent Guy. When we got together he would always talk about "trusting my heart". Whenever he would talk of the future I was the one who said "We'll See", he hated that, he kept wanting me to take a chance and let him in. At the beginning I think I felt undeserving of him and thats why I was so cautious of getting my heart broken.
LovetoLaugh-Did we date the same guy?? They sound indentical. Hot, Had tons of friends, got all the invites to the nice events and free tickets to anything. He was all about winning me over at first. He took me all over town on lavish dates. He told me he loved me after a month and he was so hurt when I wouldn't say it back. But eventually I did say it back and and that is when the sh%t hit the fan. He started ignoring me, getting drunk all the time, and chasing other girls. I should have been done right there and then but I had to keep going back for more. I wanted THAT guy back that was "prince charming"....He should win an academy award for his performance in faking me out. But prince charming was actually just a frog. A dud. I just found out he is now dating a 23 year old.....figures, another one young and dumb to fall for his crap. I will probably run into him when he is 70 years old doing the same thing to women. Does it ever end with them?? Do they ever stop conning people? What a crappy life that must be....two thumbs down on that one
Oh, and I don't think I ever knew him sober either. Thinking back now, even when he wasn't drinking in front of me he was withdrawing and miserable. He was either drunk or withdrawing. I never knew WHO he really was either. Fun stuff.
LovetoLaugh-Did we date the same guy?? They sound indentical. Hot, Had tons of friends, got all the invites to the nice events and free tickets to anything. He was all about winning me over at first. He took me all over town on lavish dates. He told me he loved me after a month and he was so hurt when I wouldn't say it back. But eventually I did say it back and and that is when the sh%t hit the fan. He started ignoring me, getting drunk all the time, and chasing other girls. I should have been done right there and then but I had to keep going back for more. I wanted THAT guy back that was "prince charming"....He should win an academy award for his performance in faking me out. But prince charming was actually just a frog. A dud. I just found out he is now dating a 23 year old.....figures, another one young and dumb to fall for his crap. I will probably run into him when he is 70 years old doing the same thing to women. Does it ever end with them?? Do they ever stop conning people? What a crappy life that must be....two thumbs down on that one
Oh, and I don't think I ever knew him sober either. Thinking back now, even when he wasn't drinking in front of me he was withdrawing and miserable. He was either drunk or withdrawing. I never knew WHO he really was either. Fun stuff.
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
Another reason I'm not sure who he was is he could write me these amazing email letters talking about how he wanted to be healthy. He recognized a lot of his emotional/mental problems but never seemed to want to take real steps to do anything about them.
Alcoholics can be so deceptive, that you really can't tell what's true and what's not with them. Makes it very hard to figure out who they really are.
"He mentioned blackouts but then made it sound that this was all from a dark period in his life". (Yeah even knowing what a blackout is should be a clue)
"He asked me a couple of times if I thought he was an alcoholic"! ( No I think its completely normal to have beer with your eggs for breakfast)
Told me how he once quit for 90 days because a woman he loved told him he was an alcoholic and he wanted to see if he was, He said he stopped no problem, when I asked if they got back together he said no I never saw her again. (I think she used the 90 days to go into hiding lol)
He would tell me how his cousins were way worse than him when they were growing up but now he felt like everybody was judging him". ( Well yeah because they grew up, and got lives Duh!)
Just random things that woud come up in other conversations where I would catch them and think, deep down he knows he has a problem. Keep in mind we never had a conversation directly about the issue, the closest was last summer when he came to me after a break up and said I need you, I really have to stop doing "Bad things" (drugs) and I need your help.
We actually had an awesome summer but then came the Fall (literally and figuratively)
Thats where all my craziness came from, these stupid moments that made me feel like there was hope he was gonna get it someday!
Frustration causes me to behave in ways that I didn't think possible, and if I'm being honest, I have to say that sometimes his way seemed attractive. It must be nice at least short term to avoid reality. Lucky for me after 3 drinks I just feel sick.
It really is sad to me that drugs and alcohol steal all the good qualities from people.
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It really is sad to me that drugs and alcohol steal all the good qualities from people.
Same with me. I hate him for all the crappy things he did and said to me. Some of the things will most likely haunt me the rest of my life they were so horrific (One time I lost 20 lbs in a matter of a month I was so upset and couldn't eat). He behaved everyday with no concious. Selfish, self-centered, and non sympathetic. But, on the other hand...can I really be that mad at him when that is just the nature of the disease? It steals souls. I'm sure if he started drinking at age 14 like he said, that is ALOT of brain damage. He is 34. That is 20 years of damage built up. I understand now why he treated everyone like crap. Its not an excuse to act like a jerk, but his brain isn't functioning like yours and mine and the rest of the non-A's out there. He probably has like 3 healthy brain cells left. Anyway, I'm in no way excusing his behavior and I will never forgive him. However, it is a shame that he can't have a normal personality because alcohol stole it.
Same with me. I hate him for all the crappy things he did and said to me. Some of the things will most likely haunt me the rest of my life they were so horrific (One time I lost 20 lbs in a matter of a month I was so upset and couldn't eat). He behaved everyday with no concious. Selfish, self-centered, and non sympathetic. But, on the other hand...can I really be that mad at him when that is just the nature of the disease? It steals souls. I'm sure if he started drinking at age 14 like he said, that is ALOT of brain damage. He is 34. That is 20 years of damage built up. I understand now why he treated everyone like crap. Its not an excuse to act like a jerk, but his brain isn't functioning like yours and mine and the rest of the non-A's out there. He probably has like 3 healthy brain cells left. Anyway, I'm in no way excusing his behavior and I will never forgive him. However, it is a shame that he can't have a normal personality because alcohol stole it.
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