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I hear ya, I'm a funsucker too.

ukiah77

I'm a party pooper also. Have been told that many times by RAH. That's ok, if that's the worse thing he can say about me then I think I'm doin' pretty good.

duqld1717

I'm a "buzz kill" as well. That word could be my middle name according to my ex so he thinks. He said it to me ALL THE TIME. It got to the point where I started to think am I really a buzzkill at the age of 25???? NO! Just because I don't find it cool getting loaded and passing out overnight infront of a baseball stadium underneath a statue of Roberto Clemente!! Haha. That one still gets me everytime. I give that one a 10 on the loser scale!! If that is what being "cool" is to him, then I glady will be a loser!!!!

GettingBy

The sad part is that I did believe him for a very long time. I really thought I was no fun. I believed him so much that I found myself drinking right along with him just so that I wouldn't be left out!

My hope is that someone out there reads this and it gives them the courage and strength to see... They aren't all those things they are being told. They are a good person. They are worthy of having a person who WANTS to come home to them, and spend time with them and respect and honor them. I hope they see that they don't have to settle for less than that.

And most of all... I hope they read this and can see just how idiotic the quacking is... And that in the company of healthy people.... That $hit is FUNNY!!!!!

barb dwyer

*as usual, off in my own private Idaho*

just been reading this thread and it
again
hits me
how great that you come here
and there's a problem

bounce a little 'reality' around -
and now it's okay.

What a wonderful place, this SR.

Zencat

"Going out with friends and having drinks is what I do for fun. If I have to stop drinking, I'm going to have to stop having fun too."

Classic alcoholic statement. Equating drinking to fun. Never mind all the conflict your experiencing because of his drinking. Typical "its all about me" and "what I want". As long as the drinking continues, nothing changes.

I'm hoping you will find your way out of that mess...It sure is discouraging to expect someone to change for the better when all they want to do is remain the same.

StarCat

XABF was never one to drink in public, and actually got really mad at other people who did.
My favorite was the time we sat in the same row as alcoholics at a baseball game, and they were always asking us (politely, though) to move so they could get out of the row and get more beer. XABF was ranting and raving the whole game, to the point these guys just started standing in the aisle to watch the game rather than ask him to move again. For the next two days I heard all about how alcoholics can't enjoy anything, and why would anyone drink that much, anyway?

Pot, meet kettle.


That said, he has said similar things to me, about how I'm always depressed, and I need to figure out how to be happy, because I'm always miserable. He blamed it on my childhood, and said it was time to "put childish things behind me" (Don't you love when they quote the Bible to suit their purpose?), and move on.
I actually believed him, for awhile - that I has always been miserable - until I realized that no, this was a recent thing.

TIMELINE IN RELATIONSHIP:
- When I met him, XABF always told me about how I'm the happiest, most excited person he'd ever met, and how I really enjoy the little things in life. He said he could learn a lot from me, because he's always nervous, and needs to know how to relax. He admitted that with him, he gets all worked up about small things, while with me, I can keep my head even when big things come along, and I just work through the problem.
- When the disease progressed, he would get completely worked up about something really stupid ("My boss just sent me an email, all it says is "ok," and he didn't capitalize or use punctuation or anything!!! What should I do???") and get really upset that I wasn't extremely depressed by this ("XABF, you just sent him an email saying you'd be out tomorrow. He was just answering that he got it."). He'd completely snap out ("But StarCat, he didn't even wish me a good day off, or ask what I was doing, or anything! And besides, his office is right next to mine, he could have just come over! This ruined my whole day! And you don't even care!") and no attempt at reason could cure it ("You sent him an email, he answered by email. You could have walked next door, too. And he didn't ask what you're doing, because he's not allowed, it's another one of those weird corporate policies, remember? If you had said something about what you were doing, and it looks like a vacation rather than 'personal business,' he's allowed to ask, but you didn't so he can't. Not his fault...") The end result would be XABF complaining that I can't "empathize" with him, that I'm a coldhearted *****, that he drops everything to help with my problems (he made a mess out of any problem I had that I told to him), and why can't I do the same for him?
- I stopped telling him about my problems, so he can't claim that about me anymore. I hide everything I can from him, and the few things I do mention, he decides I'm exaggerating to make him stop drinking. The world now revolves around him, as far as he is concerned.
- I solve my own problems by myself when I can, am hanging on by a thread at work because XABF keeps calling on me to fix his problems (which I can't get paid for doing), but claims I make it up whenever I try to tell him, and points out to an hour-long timeframe in the morning where he didn't call at all where I should have gotten all of my work done, so I have plenty of time to do his things, now. At home, I spend all night doing chores, he reads the paper, complains that I'm doing chores, complains that the apartment is too messy, and drinks whiskey to "cope".

Gee. No wonder I was miserable. He was the reason, it had nothing to do with my parents, because I had stopped talking to them completely. (He claimed that whenever I spoke to my parents, he and I got into a fight).
No wonder I was no fun to be around!

Sorry for the long post.
Thank you so much, GettingBy, for posting this thread! It helped me work through some things of my own.

I do agree with Barb Dwyer... this forum is the best.

SoloMio

When it comes to opposites attracting, I definitely was attracted to the "fun" part of AH. I am introverted and sometimes serious; AH is fun and makes it his mission in life to get others to have fun, too. Of course, then it all gets turned around and winds up exactly where you described it--if you feel that fun fills a void in you, when he attacks that perceived lack it's a painful and a real hot button! I did exactly the same thing that you talked about--went out to bars, and learned from him, actually, how to engage strangers and make good conversation.

Then I learned that I was actually seriously enabling by going out to expensive bars with him EVERY NIGHT, and I had to learn to a) stop it without feeling deprived; and b) detach from the "no fun" labels. He doesn't even ask me to go out with him now because he knows what I'll say. That's the way I like it.

duqld1717

Boy, do I understand that statement. With my A, EVERYTHING was an excuse to drink. "Oh, its raining out let's drink, Oh, its snowing out let's drink, Oh there is a game on tv let's drink".

Do you know how many games are on tv everyday!?!?!.....that's alotta drinking....I truly think that if they pair drinking with some sort of activity or occasion, it makes them feel better about themselves and they don't consider themselves as having a problem. They feel they have a "reason" to drink even if that reason is rediculous. Rationalizing everything so they can avoid hitting bottom.

We were not put on this earth to experience life with a drink in our hand. I will never live like that and I pray for anyone that thinks that is a healthy way of living. There is a big world out there and life is too short. Thanks for letting me share.