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Looking for some guidance

Old 04-22-2011, 05:53 AM
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Looking for some guidance

My husband went to rehab for 4 1/2months and got out 2 1/2 months ago. Since being out he has smoked pot a few times and when I have confronted him about it he said he did not realize pot would be a problem, that he thought alcohol was his only problem. This is after I called his sponsor and counsler and asked them. I told him that they both said he is now in active addiction again, from the moment that joint touched his lips and he did not call them. He then told me he will stop smoking it and now realizes that he is an addict also, and that by smoking it will lead him back to drinking. However,this is where I need guidance, he has not been in touch with his sponsor or counsler for well over a month and I have been finding the hidden packets of fake pot in his garbage in the shed where he hangs out. He does not dare tell me he is smoking it cause I already caught him doing it before, and told him it is no differant from the real pot. I have not mentioned anything to him cause I am not supposed to be obsessing over what he is doing, which believe me I am not, and I am also suppossed to be detaching, which I have been. I have found over 20 packs in his garbage in just over a month, I check every couple of weeks. This is at $15- $20 a pop. Should I be saying anything? He is keeping that from me and he is not telling his sponsor. He does go to his meeting everyday, but is he only half doing his recovery? Fake pot is still not supposed to be consumed is it? It is still a mind altering substance. When I said something to him over a month ago, he said its his recovery and let him work it the way he wants to work it for what will work for him. This whole thread might sound rambled, but I am thinking a thousand thoughts at the moment, hope this makes sense. Should I show him all the packs I found and ask him why is lying?Not to mention all the money he is spending, he is on unemployment
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by terry2768 View Post
However,this is where I need guidance, he has not been in touch with his sponsor or counsler for well over a month and I have been finding the hidden packets of fake pot in his garbage in the shed where he hangs out. He does not dare tell me he is smoking it cause I already caught him doing it before, and told him it is no differant from the real pot. I have not mentioned anything to him cause I am not supposed to be obsessing over what he is doing, which believe me I am not, and I am also suppossed to be detaching, which I have been.

Should I show him all the packs I found and ask him why is lying?Not to mention all the money he is spending, he is on unemployment
This is his life.
He is an adult.
He can make his own choices, mistakes and pay his own consequences.

How do you feel after searching in the trash?
Does this seem controlling to you?

You know he is hidding stuff from you. He will likely try to hide it better after you confront him about your findings.

If someone confronted me about things they found that I thought were hidden, I would be angry about having my personal space violated. I would be resentful. I am free to do what I want in my life.

If money is an issue in your relationship, I suggest setting up a seperate account so your household and personal finances are not used for recreational habits.
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by terry2768 View Post
I have not mentioned anything to him cause I am not supposed to be obsessing over what he is doing, which believe me I am not, and I am also suppossed to be detaching, which I have been. I have found over 20 packs in his garbage in just over a month, I check every couple of weeks.
If you're detached, and not obsessing, why are you checking the garbage every couple of weeks?
It's his addiction, his decision.

That said, any part that affects you is your problem. You need to figure out how it's affecting you, and then make a change so that it is not.
If the money he is spending is starting to affect you, then figure out how to cut it off at the source, so that it's not affecting you.
It absolutely sounds like the fact that he's back at it is affecting you, so you need to work on your detachment some more, whatever helps you do it best.

Boundaries are to protect us, but we cannot control someone else's behavior.
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:09 AM
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This is at $15- $20 a pop. Should I be saying anything?

Yes you should.

He is keeping that from me and he is not telling his sponsor. He does go to his meeting everyday, but is he only half doing his recovery?

And half measures availed us nothing.

Fake pot is still not supposed to be consumed is it?

No it is not.

It is still a mind altering substance. When I said something to him over a month ago, he said its his recovery and let him work it the way he wants to work it for what will work for him. This whole thread might sound rambled, but I am thinking a thousand thoughts at the moment, hope this makes sense. Should I show him all the packs I found and ask him why is lying?

If this were your ten year old child what would you do?
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:23 AM
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If this were your ten year old child what would you do?
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I doubt the OP (original poster) was put on this earth to chase after an adult with a wet nap, diaper, broom and fire extinguisher.

(thank you GiveLove for that inspirational thought)
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:34 AM
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love....are you not in AL ANON....gee whiz...please stop this behaviour....AL ANON will help you see the errors of all of the behaviours and actions we do to the A or NA or both....

PLEASE stop and get help for YOU

3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no control
..
.
if you get this..then all of the behaviours and re-actions would stop...follow your gut

this is his life, his "recovery", and his responsiblity

AL ANON works if YOU work it...get honest and get real
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:46 AM
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STEP 1:

we admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable

we have no power to make another person stop drinking. Threats, pleas, and the determined use of our will were equally FUTILE. Our schemes and threats succeeded only in causing US physical and emotional exhaustion.(taken by steps and tradition book B-8)

this to me is a fact...i am powerless and my life was so unmanageable...how about yours?
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Old 04-22-2011, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Francismcan View Post
This is at $15- $20 a pop. Should I be saying anything?

Yes you should.
If it's his money only, then its his money only, and does not affect her, so no, she shouldn't say something.

If it's her money as well, then she has a right to determine how her own money is spent, and should develop a method to ensure he does not have access to her money.


terry2768, you have the right to live your life as you see fit.
You have no obligation to clean up disasters caused by someone else's addiction, only the requirement to make sure that you protect yourself from those disasters.
He is a grown man. He needs to learn to depend upon HIMSELF, not YOU.
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Old 04-22-2011, 10:56 AM
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I work 40 hrs a week and clean 2 houses every 2 weeks, plus volunteer at my son's school 2 mornings a week. While he sits at home collecting unemployment, I have been the one making ends meet. The thing that is confusing me is, while he was in rehab, I am considered one of his support persons, he is also my husband. I am not fretting over what he is doing, I really can care less, but I do want to say something, I do not want him to think he is getting away with decieving me, how stupid is he really? Is it fair that I am footing all the bills also,while he spends money on his habit
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Old 04-22-2011, 11:23 AM
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^^ do you want a gold star? is that what you are looking for?

while he is active in drinking...sorry, your not gonna get it...and properly never will unless he sees the errors of HIS WAY....

please GET to an AL ANON meeting!!
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Old 04-22-2011, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by terry2768 View Post
Is it fair that I am footing all the bills also,while he spends money on his habit
No it is not.

What action can you take that will result in a positive difference in your life?

Confronting him will make no difference what so ever. It will create drama and resentment but he is not going to stop or change because you confronted him.

What can you do that will make your life better?

It was hard for me to mentally flip the questions around from what can I get him to do/realize/understand to what can I do --- but once I did I began to get back some of the power and control over my life that I was looking for.
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Old 04-22-2011, 11:32 AM
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Can you tell us what he is adding to your life?

And what his presence, and your thoughts about it, is stopping you from the life you could be leading?
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Old 04-22-2011, 12:27 PM
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Wow...

...there are a few things going on here that other's have touched on, so I'll just say that there are many things in your post that make it crystal clear you are, in fact, detached from the reality of what is really going on. That's the only detachment I see at all, and it's not the healthy and loving kind.

"I have not mentioned anything to him cause I am not supposed to be obsessing over what he is doing, which believe me I am not..." Yes, you are.

"...and I am also supposed to be detaching, which I have been." No, you're not.

This entire post describes the behavior of somebody who is obsessing and not detaching.

Please go to Alanon more often, get a sponsor, work the steps, and practice the principals in all your affairs. A lot. It will help you to be a happer person.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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