concernednurse

Hi everyone, I have been on the boards for about 3 months or so posting here and there, and I have just made a major change in my life/recovery (separate post to follow) and I figured I should get my story out there in full so that you guys can give me sound advice and ES&H (as you have been all along, even though sometimes I didn't want to hear it!) Here it goes...

I met my ABF a little over a year ago. He is my best friend. He was the guy I waited for for many years... tall and handsome, physically fit and healthy, self employed, and his qualities were ones I value. A very honest, funny, caring, kind, and gentle person- one of the kindest and gentlest I might say.

We had our first date out in the city, and he texted me after to tell me he had a good time and would like to see me again. So, off on the right foot! He was interested and had a good time On our second date, we met up in the city again for dinner and drinks. This time, he told me he had something to tell me... duh duh duhhhh... that he didn't have a license! Started to make sense why he kept taking the train to the city to meet me. He told me that he liked me and would like to continue dating but that I needed to know this up front because seeing each other was going to be difficult because of him not having a license. I agreed. So when I asked why he didn't have a license, he said he had a couple DUI's. I thought for a minute, I have other friends who have had a DUI, I am no saint, I have admittedly (and shamefully) driven under the influence when I shouldn't have... SO he made a mistake, or... a couple mistakes. I said ok... then I asked, "are you an alcoholic?" And he thought for a minute and replied, "I don't think so..." and I said, ok, well thanks for being honest about it! And while I accepted that that was who he was, come to find out, I didn't REALLY accept who he was.

Moving on... we spent a lot of time together doing things that new couples do. We went to sporting events, movies, out for dinner, drinks, we talked, and went away a few times. We had so much fun! It was new, exciting, we were falling in love, and really enjoying each other. Looking back, there was definitely red flags, back to the second date!!!! But I accepted him, the way he was. Somewhere in the first couple of months, he volunteered that he didn't lose his license for "a couple" DUI's, it was 3- this bothered me, but I had already accepted that he didn't have the license, and I continued to accept him the way he was. And as our relationship grew stronger and we became exclusive and committed, we started talking about moving in together, getting engaged, and having a family together. We both want to be married and have children, and we are really in love with each other! The strength of the relationship, the trust and honesty, and the foundation for something more came very naturally.

Fast forward another couple months, he's calling me drunk, AGAIN, while he's out with his friends. He's texting me AGAIN, while he's out with his friends. At first I thought it was cute, I thought his messages were funny. I thought.. awe, he's thinking of me I told my friends at work, "hahah, he just sent me a funny message, he likes to text me while he's drinking..." one coworker replied, is he an alcoholic? "No... he just likes to have a few drinks and relax on his days off..." Don't we all? ...

All during this time were were spending the summer together and falling in love even more. Then one night, last fall, I get text after text while he's out with his friend watching the game and I'm at work. I had already told him early in the relationship that I don't like to talk on the phone at work because I work with patients and I can get called away at any moment and don't like to be distracted, but texting I am ok with. So, the texting continues and after I few I realize he's pretty drunk. So then I start in with "are you ok? You sound pretty drunk, how are you getting home? Hope you get home ok, blah blah blah." And he continues to send me some silly drunk crap, im waiting for the train, blah blah and finally I respond "I have to get back to work, hope you get home safe, goodnight." And shut my phone off. The next morning I get a text, "Sorry for all the drunk messages last night." I responded, "It's ok." I didn't talk to him for a couple of days (Oh, we were still living separately at this point.) So the night I'm supposed to meet up with him, I met up with a friend and I'm balling my eyes out over dinner about how his drinking is really starting to bother me. She was very supportive, and told me his drinking bothered her too. Uh oh... So I decided I needed to talk to him. First serious talk regarding something unpleasant between us. I told him I was nervous about the drinking. I didn't want there to be any more consequences of his drinking. More DUI's, trouble with the law. It hurt to know that if we have a baby in the next couple of years, he won't be able to drive me to the hospital. How sad is that? i said all of this and MUCH MUCH more, all while crying. He listened. He was torn apart, he hates to see me upset. He said "I knew, I KNEW when you texted me back that morning that you were upset, and if I didn't chill out with the drinking, I thought I'm gonna lose this girl..." I just kinda nodded. We talked some more, and I thought, OK- we're back on the same page...

Few months later I moved in and everything was going swimmingly. We were getting along great (we don't really fight as a rule) and I especially don't engage in fighting or arguing while drinking, ever. More talk about our future together. Still dating, going out doing fun things, traveling, etc. Then comes my birthday! The night of my birthday was great, its the last night of the year... we got drunk with some friends at home, no driving, and had a great time But, then there was my birthday celebration with my friends a few weeks later. We all went to lunch, and then to watch a big sporting event on TV out at a bar. ABF had surprised me with a limo so we could all go without having to drive. Well, he proceeded drink more and more, as did I, but somehow, I was thinking clearly and I didn't really like the way I was feeling. He was getting loud, rude, and I was constantly monitoring how much he was drinking (internally)-- babysitting. On the way home he was loud, rude, and embarrassing. We got home and I realized he was probably blacked out. I kissed him and said, "I'm going to bed."

Fast forward to 2 months ago. He went out with a friend to "watch the game and have a few beers." I had worked a few hours. When I came home he was playing video games with friend, and he was drunk. He says "I'm not drunk"... he always said that... "I'm not drunk..." Yes honey, you were. We had a conversation that night where he said something that I took personally, and ironically, it involved our future together. Friend at the house was telling us a story about his friend who had just broken off his engagement and was upset about it... and ABF says "Tell him I'll buy the ring!"... I know it was a joke, I know he was kidding, I know he was drunk... it wasn't funny, and it made me upset. Well folks, that started the downward spiral where I learned, admitted, and FINALLY! accepted, that ABF is an alcoholic.

I found SR. I came and asked "Should I talk to him in person or write him a letter?" (some of you may remember, but I since had that post deleted for various reasons). I got great answers. I did write him a letter, very succinct, and about ME. MY feelings, MY doubts about our future, MY hurts, and MY plan for recovery. Little did I know, I was just THEN starting to become just as toxic to our relationship as the alcohol... now that I realized HE was the alcoholic, it was time to help HIM change! Oops! I had a lot to learn. And learning I am...

Some of my other posts can give you an idea of what the last couple months have been like. We have had 2 sober months (though read my next post, I think I just threw a wrench in that streak...) I still love my ABF, and I still live with him. It has been really hard, all of it, but there are good days, joy and happiness, and love in there too. But I am ready to take my own recovery to the next level. I go to alanon and am upping the ante starting now. I have read a few books so far ton understand codependency and alcoholism, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE SR and all the advice given here (even the hard to hear stuff). I know I will need it to get through the next phase of my recovery so thank you thank you thank you for all of you reading this, and for all of your experience strength and hope that has propelled me forward in my journey!

lillamy

(((hugs)))
Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story.
You're a fast learner.
It took me many years to accept that my then-husband was an A.
And you're doing a good thing for yourself, educating yourself about alcoholism and strengthening yourself by going to meetings.

Fandy

knowing what you know now, I hope you give a lot of thought about what this man is doing to your life and chances for a normal lifestyle....a marriage, family to someone in his lifestyle is a risky venture.

I'm glad he is in recovery mode, but how much of your energy is he robbing?

concernednurse

Good question. I'm still not ready to end our relationship, but I am in recovery and that's all I can do for myself at this moment.

seekingcalm

I am glad you have found us...SR has helped me so much as well.

You don't have to have all the answers to the future yet, none of us do. Just continue to take care of yourself, and honor your own boundaries, one day at a time.

You are obviously a very intelligent woman, you know what you know, and you are open to learning more.

Thank you for sharing your story, could have been mine.

Fandy

I guess I don't understand WHY you are in "recovery"???? you aren't the one with 3 duis and history of obnoxious loud embarrassing drunk behavior....you are on the receiving end.

it's great that you are so supportive and loving, but if the tables were turned, would he give that much of his energy to you?

personally, i am tired of always giving and giving up what I want for someone else's comfort to become front and center.

HoopNinja

Recovery for codependency?

Tuffgirl

concernednurse, thanks for sharing your story. Embracing Al-Anon is a great first step in learning how to change your approach to your A, which helping you stay a little more sane...

keep posting here - your responses to other threads have been helpful to read.

~T

concernednurse

That is true, Fandy. I am not the one who has had trouble with alcohol. But loving someone with alcoholism has caused me to lose who I was by trying with all that I had to get him to change who he is, get him to see what I see, get him to want what I want- for him. I needed "recovery" to realize that he is allowed to be who he wants, and for me to ask otherwise was unhealthy for me. I was becoming "addicted" to fixing him. And actually, I do believe he would give me that much energy if I had a sickness, too.

Bolina

Thank you for sharing your story, concernednurse.

I think it's great that you are in recovery. Fandy's post (and perfectly fair questions) sums up why we need recovery ourselves. Because a "normie" would have just walked away, right? Al-anon (or F&F or therapy or whatever) isn't about our qualifier at all, it's about finding out why we didn't walk. Indeed, it's about why we got so engaged.

Hope you have fun on your journey!