Out of the frying pan and into the fire

Old 04-21-2011, 04:57 PM
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Out of the frying pan and into the fire

Sorry, felt like being dramatic with the title of the post. :-)

No shock to anyone here, but he has been frustrating lately. He just isn't getting it.

I feel like no matter what I do he always sees it as pessimism.

His therapist says he has significant depression issues that he is now dealing with and he is "nowhere near where he should be" for having been recovering for 60 days. He is going to try and get his medications changed on Tuesday.

I feel like this is just one more thing to blame for him. The depression means he hasn't been able to find a job.

The brain inside me that still needs work says this is the worst time to even think about leaving as it will just send him over the edge. I feel like us separating might be the best to figure out the "answer" regarding our marriage, especially given where he is in "recovery."

Sigh. One thing happens that is good, another annoying obstacle thrown in the way. I am so tired of dealing with all of this.

Thanks for letting me share. I need a vacation like whoa.
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Old 04-21-2011, 05:29 PM
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When you are making a decision to leave or stay don't think about how it is going to affect him. He's in charge of that.

Really - what is in your best interest? Do that.

That seemed unimaginable to me at one time but it is how I try live my life today. I had spent 16 years with my husband. There were even some good memories. My martyrdom, my sacrifice, meddling, trying to control outcomes, trying to run his life, manage his emotions, protect him, whatever it was I was trying to do....led him/us straight into the hell we were living. Really, I wasn't doing him any favors so who did I think I was?

I decided it was kind of wrong thinking to believe that my leaving was going to devastate him. He was already pretty devastated from what I could tell. He was not going to see it that way (and may never) but that is just the way it is.
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Old 04-21-2011, 05:33 PM
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The one thing with A's - there's never a "good time" to leave.

With XABF, he was always planning things a year in advance, and paying for all of it as soon as the venue would let him. This means that any time I left him, there'd be upwards of $1,000 worth of hotels, theater tickets, dinners (he liked to buy gift cards in advance, too), and who knows what else floating around, and with what he spent, he'd be lucky if he got half of that money refunded to him. I know he had 12 hotels completely paid in advance, non-refundable, including the Waldorf Astoria in New York, throughout the year.

Well guess what? I had enough. I'm not going. I can't be bribed with expensive trips anymore, because I end up doing all the driving, stuck in some place goodness knows where but too far from home with an empty stomach, and he ends up collapsed on the hotel floor in a drunken stupor screaming obscenities at me.

There is no good time to leave an A.
But the best time is when you're ready.
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Old 04-21-2011, 05:39 PM
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We can always find a reason to put off what we aren't sure we really want to do. There is never a perfect time for many things in life. What you need to do is decide what you really, really want, and then do that. If you decide you really want to leave the marriage, then don't worry about him. He's a grown man (even if he may not act like it) and he'll survive. Do what you need to do for YOU.
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Old 04-22-2011, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
We can always find a reason to put off what we aren't sure we really want to do. There is never a perfect time for many things in life.
This is so leaving the marriage and now buying a house and moving is SO INCREDIBLY INCONVENIENT to my schedule right now. But it was what I need to be doing right now. For me. And my kids. And I tell myself each day, "this too shall pass".
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