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Old 04-21-2011, 12:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

the cycle


I have started to realize the unhealthy emotional cycle I am on. My ABF has seem to completely downward spiral in the past 3 months. Before this we would casually drink, sometimes once a month, sometimes 3. We had been together for 3 yrs. I first noticed he would binge drink vodka to "escape" about a year into the relationship. If we had a blow up fight or he got laid off, he would drink a pint of vodka and pass out. that's it. Months and months would go by without this reoccurance. (sometimes 6-8 at a time) I knew this was an unhealthy way to deal with unsettling events, but so much time went in between I think I always thought he was "cured" lol. I have tried to figure out what has happened in the past 3 months to make him go from that- to having his binges every week or two weeks. IS so very hard for everyone involved. His mother has written him off and only communicates with his ex wife to see his daughter who is 4. His ex wife has actually reached out to me, if only to get reassurance he isnt drinking while around their daughter. He has no friends and his siblings pretty much avoid him. I realize I am stuck and need more than "knowing better" to get out.

The cycle probably is something you have all heard but goes like this: he binges, (usually drinks to where he will be caught, usually by me since his parents have written him off), I tell him I cant deal anymore, have no contact, each time for longer periods of time, he starts acting like the person i once knew and still love. We will have whole weekends where he is his old self. sometimes a week or two. Enough to have my hopes up and my guard down, just to repeat the process over, starting with... Him on a binge. I have been tied to him always going back, tried to be "just a friend", thought how if it were me, I would want someone to be there. But I just cant do it anymore.

Last night I suspected a binge, although there were new symptoms. I am cued to slurring of speech, wobbling (his most obvious and frequent), and constant desires to smoke cigarettes. None of these happened instead he started talking literal nonsense. Talked about driving by his brothers house to make sure he really married her (what???), then 5 minutes later said he saw his brother walking out of a bar and that's what was wrong. Then 5 minutes later denied saying ANY of it and instead it was me (always someone right) picking and digging for something. THen he left, came back and apologized for talking about rednecks... more question marks. I mean...really?? I actually thought to myself he has had a stroke- I should take him to the ER. He finally left for good and since this cycle repeats itself I know I have a few days before I will hear from him. Can someone's drunk symptoms change? Advice, tough love, insight all welcome. I am tired of hearing I'm crazy, then having the person I love back just long enough to make it hurt more when it all happens again.
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Better and welcome to the forum!

I was interested to read this part:

Quote:
I have tried to figure out what has happened in the past 3 months to make him go from that- to having his binges every week or two weeks.
and wanted to butt-insky and say that
what you've described is simply the progression of the disease
of alcoholism and that nothing need have happened to cause it.

We do not drink because something happens.
We drink ... because we're alcoholics.

The last part of your post describes a blackout a best
and the makings of psychosis at worst.

As a bartender for years,
there were times people would black out like that
when they were mixing their drinking
with other substances.

I'm not a doctor and don't play one on tv
but I WAS a bartender, and I know what I saw.

I'm glad you found us.

My impression is that if you're sure you've got a few days
to yourself to think
were it me -

I'd be thinking very hard about
what I am doing in a relationship like this one
and if this is what life is going to be
do I want to be involved with this.

What you've described is not going to get better on its own.

What do you think?
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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thank you guys for your input. He will recognize the problem when he is "his old self". Even make an appointment with a therapist... usually only to cancel. I guess I know the answer to the questions I ask. Sometimes you just need to hear it. Tired of being lied to and let down.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Better -

Then it's time to do that thinking, ya reckon?

Mine kinda went like this -

'This is how life is and is going to continue to be.
Is that what I want to call 'MY' life?"

And for me -
the answer was 'no'.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Basically, he is a very sick guy. It is progressive and you are watching it unfold in slow motion.

'Drunk symptoms' do get worse over time; from what I've read even to the point of psychosis (that delusional stuff).

I guess the question is how long do you want to witness it and at what cost to your sanity? Have you put clear boundaries in place if you do decide to ride this out with him?
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Do yourself a favor and work on breaking the cycle by starting with yourself. Go to Al-Anon, post here frequently and take a deep breath. Trust me they will keep the cycle going FOREVER if we let them. It definately does not get any better only WORSE. Is this the life you want for yourself?

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Old 04-21-2011, 02:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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thank you all. I have so much guilt. Even believing he could drink socially, and having a glass of wine while he would have 2 or 3 beers. I am ready to break the cycle. Thank goodness for this site and the feedback from it. My hardest time will be when he comes around like his old self. That's when it is so easy to believe he's the person I know and love. It feels good to have a place to come and talk where people will listen.
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It is extremely difficult for us to get it in our gut -- accept it -- that there is nothing we can say or do that will stop someone from drinking. It's a process, it takes time to shift our focus from someone else to where it should have been all along, ourselves.

As Louise said to Thelma: "Thelma, you get what you settle for."
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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We dont just listen to you...
WE ALL UNDERSTAND YOU!!
I have basically walked in your shoes...
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You're not alone.

We know all about loving the 'imaginary man'.

I hope you make lots of friends here.
It's so important to know we're not alone.
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Old 04-21-2011, 04:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
Tired of being lied to and let down.

haven't met anybody yet who LIKES to be lied to and let down!!!
there ARE solutions, but they involve YOU breaking the cycle........are you ready to do that?
Really?? I have chosen so many losers you would think I LIKED to be lied to, let down and wanted more of that



YouKnowBetter, your post made me recall an interaction with someone who had used drugs. Literal NONSENSE.

You can't cure anyone.........
You can't just have Jekyll...

He comes with Mr Hyde. Its the Whole Package.

I imagine you'd like someone who doesn't have a Mr Hyde lingering?? there are great men out there, who would NEVER EVER IMAGINE to put you through this, because they have a healthy relation with themselves and are creating things for themselves, they are not set to destroy everything that is good in them and the great people around them.

There are many options. I am glad to report I am now dating Healthier People, and its such a great relief, never to be afraid again, and be able to TRUST, and not expect anything horrible to happen. Also as a social drinker I am grateful the other person can drive me home safely. It doesn't come to that anyway, but you got to think about the role of a partner, in my humble view a partner represents PROTECTION. There is enough stress "out there". I need protection, LAUGHTER, relaxation, enthusiasm and someone to go with me to ride a bike and drink a carrot juice afterwards. Why invite madness in my life? I thought I loved XABF and many others, but it was not love, it was NEED, NEED for tension, for abandonment, for "today I love you, tonight I hate you" toxic interactions...

Therapy has been very helpful understanding why I am attracted to toxic people... well.. why I WAS attracted to them...
I asked HP/God to help me remove my fear of being alone... it WORKED! I feel great.

There is a lot to look forward to !! you can only heal yourself. AND you will do a GREAT job, if you set your mind to it... if you remember you deserve real happiness... not in 20 years.. not "if you do X or Y" or if "Z likes you or not"... nope.. just by being YOU... NOW... and how do you start going for it? well in my case I started discerning who I welcomed in my life... who nurtured me.. who let me down... I am still doing that today... its hard to let go of people but in the end "We are always alone" as a therapist told me. AND we only get one life.. ONE....
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