SSIL75

I am an alcoholic and the child of an alcoholic. I believe the two are linked but with no biological basis. I grew up believing things about alcohol that simply weren't true. It took me a long time to 'unlearn' those things but I understand now. Try not to worry about your son being predisposed to anything.

SSIL75

If he goes on a multi-day bender it's because he's an alcoholic. It has nothing to do with you and him implying as such is just him being an alcoholic.

If Al Anon is not an option then is private therapy? Books even? You're really enmeshed in his nonsense talk (I speak fluent nonsense ) and it's going to be hard for you to get out of it without being able to identify it, KWIM?

roundincircles

I am going to get some books and look up meetings in my local area too - thank you so much x

Eight Ball

[QUOTE=roundincircles;2942377]But if I say "I will not tolerate you coming home smelling of alcohol" he just won't come home and will instead just stay out drinking.[QUOTE]

He may do. He may not. What he does is under his control. He is over 18, an adult and at the end of the day, he can do what he likes, not necessarily what you like.

Has anything you have done to date worked? or do you feel like you are going roundincircles?

Why dont you try something different. Ignore what he does. If he drinks, ignore him. If he tries to argue with you, walk away. We learn many 'tools' at al-anon for dealing (or not) with alcoholics and focusing on us. I do recommend it to you, it will help a lot. Failing Al-anon, have a look into some therapy maybe recommended by your doctor. Find one that specializes in alcoholism as it makes all the difference.

totfit

Unfortunately, this is something he is going to have to figure out himself. The only thing you can do is make plans for yourself. I think I might make one statement if you are serious and that is that if you are serious about not going through it again I would tell him. I would not threaten, but just tell him matter of factly, that if he wants to drink and it is like before (and it will be) that you will be done and there will be not reconciliation this time. Only tell him that if you mean it. This may or may not make a difference, but you have at least forewarned him of the consequences. Then it will be up to him. I hate that you are going through this, but being firm with your convictions, keeping a cool head and taking care of yourself are the best things you can do. If he quit before, he likely can again, but denial and addiction are two powerful foes.

ukiah77

My husband "quit" drinking a few months ago but is still having a couple beers here and there. It is a slipperly slope. I've tried to explain and remind him that he is just putting his sobriety in jeopardy by doing this, but he says he has made the concious choice now to not let it ever get out of control ever again. He is 34. He thinks he has it all figured out and that all of a sudden he makes this "choice" to not go back to his old tricks. But alcoholism is a strong thing, it will creep back up on you. He doesn't agree with this. He says he doesn't want to be "that guy who can't drink" at parties. He doesn't want to be labeled as the alcoholic who had to quit drinking, so to save face, he has to order a drink along with everyone else. It's an ego thing. Plus he's still saying he likes the taste of beer as a beverage, not necessarily using it just to get drunk. All of these things are rationalization and denial, I know and I'm probably acting codependent by trying to get him to stop. But my words are falling on deaf ears. For now, I'm focusing on that fact that he isn't getting drunk every night, which is a very good thing. Even though I am terrified that he is going to slip up again and take us back to square one, I am also trying to stay positive and allow him to handle his sobriety on his own without my lecturing or interference. His sobriety is up to him, I can not control it. I have set boundaries though, like not drinking at home and when we go out if he has more than one drink, I will leave. I hate to have to police his drinking like that but I am just letting him know I am no longer going to tolerate it. So far he hasn't crossed any of those boundaries, but part of me is just waiting for the day he does. I keep reading that alcoholics can not have just one drink, or convince themselves they can have a few drinks and then just stop. But my husband is doing it. It's scary though because I think it's a risky situation. If he slips up again this time and goes back to his old ways, I already told him I'm done. I'm not going to go another round with this. I think it seems impossible to convince a RA that they can not have just one drink and that moderation doesn't work. I think they have to decide that for themselves. Unfortunately while they are bumbling around with this moderation approach, we (the family) are still walking on eggshells with worry and doubt. But of course he says I should just be happy with the fact he isn't getting drunk every night like he used to.

Eddiebuckle

RIC,

As an alcoholic (sober 16 months today actually, but still an alcoholic) I can vouch for that description. You've nailed what the complusion to drink feels like for me very succinctly.

"In control" is a rationalization, pure and simple. As is the idea of working in his current field being justified financially. Guess what? I have no idea how much more he makes in this job but I'd bet that one DUI would wipe that out in a heartbeat - not to mention what involuntary manslaughter charges would do.

Sadly, there is very little you can do about his drinking if he has managed to delude himself into thinking that this time it will be different. It won't be, and its only a matter of time before that will play itself out. Get to an al-anon meeting and discuss this - you need to have a plan to take care of you and your child (bank account is a great start).

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation, but you DO have a measure of control here, just not about his actions and their consequences.

FindingPeace1

Some great feedback here.

WELCOME!

The point we are making is:

YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HIM.

In any way.

Yep. He may not come home.
He may drink more.
He may hide it.
On and on.
You can't control ANY of that.

The ONLY and let me repeat ONLY thing you can control in this situation is you.
How you respond.
What boundaries you set to protect you and your children's sanity and safety.
How much or how little you obsess about him.

That's it.

Crazy and frustrating, but true.

You CAN'T get him to stop, slow down, see the error of his ways.
You can't get him to do anything.

So, the advice you will find here is
step back
breathe
and as one poster says here:
It's time to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.

Ask yourself, why am I in a marriage with an alcoholic?
Why do I find this acceptable?
Am I setting boundaries to take care of myself?
Have I figured out my deal breakers?
Are my children safe?
Is my mind at ease because I have detached from his craziness?
Do I FULLY ACCEPT he is an alcoholic so I can EXPECT he will do all the b.s. he does?

If not, Alanon can help.

And DO pick up a copy of Codependent No More. It will help!

wanttobehealthy

Round In Circles-- I just want you to know that arguing with your AH does NOT cause him to drink or cause him to be resentful despite what is stated above. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it.

I have been where you are-- fear of setting a boundary bc he will not come home and what would that mean. But even without setting the boundaries your H goes on benders as did/does mine and all that's different is that you hold out hope it will stop, go away, that you'll wake up and he'll "get it"..

I told my AH today I am leaving him. For good. I'm heartbroken, we have 2 young kids and I've lived life for years waiting for things to get better. And he's significantly decreased how much he drinks but that doesn't make it better (he thinks it does). I've gone to al anon and it hasn't fixed my marriage or my AH but it is fixing me and letting me accept (not happily) that the married life I signed up for, vowed to have, want, etc... is not and has not been what I have. I have 2 choices: sit around waiting/hoping things will change or take control of my life and change what I can. I picked the latter bc I've tried the former for 8 yrs and I've lost more and more of myself.

God bless those who can stay married to an active A. There aren't enough al anon mtg's in the world to make me be able to do that. If I'm going to be married it's going to be a REAL marriage. If I'm going to be "married" but essentially be single bc the girlfriend alcoholism is constantly in the picture, then I will be single and move on.

I love my husband and don't WANT to be on this path but it is what I NEED to do and more importantly it is what my kids NEED me to do for them.

That's just my story-- I can relate to a lot of what you say and my heart goes out to you...

roundincircles

Hi everyone - Just looking for more advice. Since first posting here in April, my husband has had about 4 absolute benders and after each one the guilt and self hate gets worse. 4 weeks ago the day after he said he knew he was out of control and that he was going to go to an AA meeting and take notes every day to help him stay on the straight and narrow. Then 2 weeks ago he had to go to the overseas on a work conference and he ended up staying out all night drinking on one of the nights. That was 10-14 days ago and two days ago he was meant to have a minor operation in hospital where he was staying in overnight. He left to go to the hospital in the morning but he ended up cancelling his appointment and instead stayed out all day and all night drinking. Yesterday morning he sent me an email confessing to being 'out of control' and having slept with someone whilst overseas. I managed to get him to come home and he also confessed to having slept with other people when he is out on his all night benders and that the guilt is eating him up and he can't go on lying and living the life and he needs help and wanted me to know the truth. We have a 7 month old son and if it wasn't for that fact I would ask him to leave.

I am asking for advice now as my Husband wants to get serious help and do the 12 steps program but does anyone know where to start and where to go? We live in Sydney and he has a job so can't go into a clinic but he acknowledges that he will be dead unless he can stop this.

He says the people he has slept with have only ever been one night stands and he is always so drunk he doesn't even know their names. The guilt he is currently going through is extreme and I cannot believe we are at this point.

Any advice you can offer would be much appreciated

LexieCat

There are a ton of AA meetings in Sydney. Here's a place to find one near you: AA Australia Meeting Search.. I hope he's serious, this time.

LifeRecovery

Roundincircles-

I just posted my story of my problem drinker and his affair, so I will not bore you with the details.

Please just know that it was that combination that got me into Al-Anon and healing from both, for myself, by myself. Al-Anon helped me make the right decisions for me for the first time in my life.

I am not sure if you have been able to go or not, but please consider it.

StarCat

Al-Anon is a great resource for you, too. Alcoholism is a family disease, it affects everyone.

I would also suggest for your health that you make an appointment to get yourself checked out in case any of these "one night stands" left behind yet another intruder in your marriage...

skippernlilg

In addition to his finding a meeting, I'm in hopes you have also had the opportunity to find some in your area for Al-anon. The face-to-face interactions are, quite frankly, transformative. It sometimes takes a try at one or two or three or so before you find one that fits for you, but I highly recommend it.

You seem to have gotten yourself very educated on his disease. Good on you! The most helpful to me was learn more about how it's affected the family, both as an ACOA and as a partner to a very wonderful man, who is sadly my qualifier, again. The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has been wonderful for me. It just makes everything CLICK on what I can do to live a happy, loving life.

Additionally, my thoughts also go to your physical health. Because of his sexual indiscretions, I think it is smart for you to get a full physical including screening for STDs. Finding them in the early stages can help you avoid nasty side effects later. You've got to be there 100% for your child/ren.

Carol Star

Been there....done that....have the t-shirt in five colors. Work the program you wish he would work. Meetings.....detach.....if you get between someone and their bottom they will land on you. Forget the quacking. Watch his actions.

m1k3

RoundInCircles,

I agree with everyone else and go to al-anon. It can change your life. The only thing you can really change in your life is you and how you handle what is going on around you. Al-anon will give you the tools and the guidance on how to use those tools.

As the adult child of an alcoholic father I can tell you from experience that you are not doing your son any favors by keeping him around an active alcoholic.

Sending you strength and ((((hugs)))).

Your friend,

roundincircles

Thanks Mike - I guess I am just hoping that he can beat it with the 12 steps and if he can then it would be good for him to be around for our son - obviously if he can't beat it then it is bad for him to be around our baby - I suppose I live in hope that he can get fixed. I see how other people can become permanently clean and God he wants to - he knows he has to stop and to quote him today "I know if i can't stop this I will be dead in a year". I suppose I have to just wait and see what happens whilst at the same time preparing for the worst and gearing up for life on my own