How do I trust her after all the lies?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alberta Canada
Posts: 46
How do I trust her after all the lies?
I am new here.
My wife is an alcoholic and is currently in a residential recovery program. It appears for the first time she is making real progress to recovering. I have faced several years of her half attempts and lies about quitting. I managed to make it to one Alanon meeting but as I am single parenting three kids for the next 3-4 weeks I have little chance to make it to very many meetings in the short term. I want to give her a chance since she made the effort to go to the program for 6 weeks. How do I give her that chance and try to trust her again?
The years of her lying has destroyed most of the trust in our relationship and left me very hurt and mad at her for all the lies. I am trying to separate the alcoholism and its symptoms from the person but it is very hard. Truth means so much to me and the lies have left me vary hurt and angry.
I told my wife she would have a home to come to if she went to this program and worked hard. I need to be ready to try to work on our marriage once she is back but need to work past my anger. Hearing how other got past their anger may help.
Thanks.
My wife is an alcoholic and is currently in a residential recovery program. It appears for the first time she is making real progress to recovering. I have faced several years of her half attempts and lies about quitting. I managed to make it to one Alanon meeting but as I am single parenting three kids for the next 3-4 weeks I have little chance to make it to very many meetings in the short term. I want to give her a chance since she made the effort to go to the program for 6 weeks. How do I give her that chance and try to trust her again?
The years of her lying has destroyed most of the trust in our relationship and left me very hurt and mad at her for all the lies. I am trying to separate the alcoholism and its symptoms from the person but it is very hard. Truth means so much to me and the lies have left me vary hurt and angry.
I told my wife she would have a home to come to if she went to this program and worked hard. I need to be ready to try to work on our marriage once she is back but need to work past my anger. Hearing how other got past their anger may help.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I had "HUGE" anger piles...
It has taken me almost 4 months to simmer the flames
And they still flare up on certain days....
You will get great advice from others on here, with alot more experiance than me.
(Im a newbie myself)
But I will say, when my husband got out of rehab, I thought he would be HEALED!!
....in 28 days
I was even more angry he was not healed.
I thought to myself, "We paid all of that money & YOUR NOT HEALED??"
What the heck, questions ran thru my head....
Dont expect anger to dissolve over night.
The less you expect, the less angry you will feel....
Treatment/ Rehab is "NOT" a miracle cure...
Take every minute that you can & go to meetings, read, educate yourself
BEFORE she gets home...It will help you alot!!!
It sucks...I understand...
It has taken me almost 4 months to simmer the flames
And they still flare up on certain days....
You will get great advice from others on here, with alot more experiance than me.
(Im a newbie myself)
But I will say, when my husband got out of rehab, I thought he would be HEALED!!
....in 28 days
I was even more angry he was not healed.
I thought to myself, "We paid all of that money & YOUR NOT HEALED??"
What the heck, questions ran thru my head....
Dont expect anger to dissolve over night.
The less you expect, the less angry you will feel....
Treatment/ Rehab is "NOT" a miracle cure...
Take every minute that you can & go to meetings, read, educate yourself
BEFORE she gets home...It will help you alot!!!
It sucks...I understand...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alberta Canada
Posts: 46
Thanks for the heads up, not to expect too much. I guess I am angry that after three weeks she has yet to say she is sorry for all the lies even once. She admits she has lied about things for a vey long time but not even one sorry.
The money does not bother me that much paying for recovery is far cheaper than lawyer bills and that was the point we were at when she went in. I have three small kids and could not face them growing up exposed to her drinking on a full time basis. If in time I get the real her back it will be worth every penny. Knowing what others have experienced and what to expect will help lots.
We get to see her now on Sundays and last Sunday was not a good visit. She was grumpy, kids acted out and no one came away from the visit with what we wanted. I spent most of the Monday in a sad place. Last two days are better. I have my three kids in a Karate program that we have just started and take it with them. The exercise really helped get me feeling better. I highly recommend exercise to others.
The money does not bother me that much paying for recovery is far cheaper than lawyer bills and that was the point we were at when she went in. I have three small kids and could not face them growing up exposed to her drinking on a full time basis. If in time I get the real her back it will be worth every penny. Knowing what others have experienced and what to expect will help lots.
We get to see her now on Sundays and last Sunday was not a good visit. She was grumpy, kids acted out and no one came away from the visit with what we wanted. I spent most of the Monday in a sad place. Last two days are better. I have my three kids in a Karate program that we have just started and take it with them. The exercise really helped get me feeling better. I highly recommend exercise to others.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
You will get the sorry's after rehab...
I got them too, but they were so generic, it made me more pissed off...
Its been going on 5 months now, and I still get generic..
Once you start learning, you will understand the difference between
SOBER & TRUE RECOVERY in the alcoholic...
Just because they quit drinking, doesnt mean they are better or sorry..(instantly)
From what I have learned, it takes 12 to 18 months for the alcoholic
to even begin to think clearly in their minds....
So once again, dont expect!!!!
Keep on reading and going to meetings will help you alot.
At first, I didnt understand why it was so important to go to meetings.
Once you begin to go, you will feel more comfortable with the group of people,
you will find it very healing for yourself, even if you just sit there and listen.
Just to get a hug by a stranger, one that knows your pain, is a real healing process.
Its like being on a very slow boat to China, so get a good life saver vest to protect you and the kids for the future & Enjoy the ride..
Keep on posting on here. And reading. There are some great people on here with AWESOME guidance.
I got them too, but they were so generic, it made me more pissed off...
Its been going on 5 months now, and I still get generic..
Once you start learning, you will understand the difference between
SOBER & TRUE RECOVERY in the alcoholic...
Just because they quit drinking, doesnt mean they are better or sorry..(instantly)
From what I have learned, it takes 12 to 18 months for the alcoholic
to even begin to think clearly in their minds....
So once again, dont expect!!!!
Keep on reading and going to meetings will help you alot.
At first, I didnt understand why it was so important to go to meetings.
Once you begin to go, you will feel more comfortable with the group of people,
you will find it very healing for yourself, even if you just sit there and listen.
Just to get a hug by a stranger, one that knows your pain, is a real healing process.
Its like being on a very slow boat to China, so get a good life saver vest to protect you and the kids for the future & Enjoy the ride..
Keep on posting on here. And reading. There are some great people on here with AWESOME guidance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern Illinois
Posts: 174
Hello Jeep and welcome to SR. The lies and the deceit that our A's (addicts/alcoholics) feed us are very hard to deal with. Here is something worth reading. Addiction/Alcoholism is basically one in the same so this applies to the behavior of alcoholics as well.
Keep posting! ((((Hugs))))
Keep posting! ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Jeep,
Just keep in mind that, following recovery, your wife is going to have a lot of emotional material to sort through. Not only has she lied to and manipulated you, but there are probably many others that she has hurt through her addiction. Admitting to you that she has lied is likely a huge step for her. She has to sort through the rest gradually and deal with it one piece at a time. Recovering addicts need to focus on themselves, foremost. Releasing the body and mind from the grip of a drug is not a simple task, and she will not be immediately prepared to fix the damage which has accumulated over a six year span.
You, also, have suffered a huge blow. The best advice anyone has given me is to focus on myself, and I hope you will do the same for you. Whatever you are feeling is valid. Be gentle and honest with yourself. You are going to have a lot to work through. Trust which has been deteriorating for years does not get rebuilt overnight, nor should it. Addicts take time to rescind their manipulative behaviors because they because instinctive. You have every reason to keep your guard up to an extent. Just remember that you are recovering too. No matter what happens, your relationship will definitely evolve into whatever it is meant to be from this point on.
Glad to have you here!
Just keep in mind that, following recovery, your wife is going to have a lot of emotional material to sort through. Not only has she lied to and manipulated you, but there are probably many others that she has hurt through her addiction. Admitting to you that she has lied is likely a huge step for her. She has to sort through the rest gradually and deal with it one piece at a time. Recovering addicts need to focus on themselves, foremost. Releasing the body and mind from the grip of a drug is not a simple task, and she will not be immediately prepared to fix the damage which has accumulated over a six year span.
You, also, have suffered a huge blow. The best advice anyone has given me is to focus on myself, and I hope you will do the same for you. Whatever you are feeling is valid. Be gentle and honest with yourself. You are going to have a lot to work through. Trust which has been deteriorating for years does not get rebuilt overnight, nor should it. Addicts take time to rescind their manipulative behaviors because they because instinctive. You have every reason to keep your guard up to an extent. Just remember that you are recovering too. No matter what happens, your relationship will definitely evolve into whatever it is meant to be from this point on.
Glad to have you here!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi Jeep... Welcome to SR!
Anger... Yup, I have lots of that. My husband is still drinking and insists it's not the problem... I am. I've initiated the divorce (ugh, not what i wanted, at all)... But I couldn't continue to go down the road with someone who is so unwilling to acknowledge their side of the street... And clean it up.
I wanted an apology for sooo long, and as I've focused on myself, and worked through my stuff in al-anon... I've realized that "I'm sorry" is just words. I don't want more empty words. I want action. Consistent effort in a generally forward direction.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, I get the sense you're looking for words... When what you really need is action. That's going to take time, a long time. Your marriage will need to most likely take a back seat until she has gotten her safe to stable ground. It sucks, but it's just the truth.
In the meantime, focus on you and kids... And continue being their source of stability and endless supply of love and compassion.
Have you considered going to al-anon? It would be a great source of support for YOU.
Anger... Yup, I have lots of that. My husband is still drinking and insists it's not the problem... I am. I've initiated the divorce (ugh, not what i wanted, at all)... But I couldn't continue to go down the road with someone who is so unwilling to acknowledge their side of the street... And clean it up.
I wanted an apology for sooo long, and as I've focused on myself, and worked through my stuff in al-anon... I've realized that "I'm sorry" is just words. I don't want more empty words. I want action. Consistent effort in a generally forward direction.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, I get the sense you're looking for words... When what you really need is action. That's going to take time, a long time. Your marriage will need to most likely take a back seat until she has gotten her safe to stable ground. It sucks, but it's just the truth.
In the meantime, focus on you and kids... And continue being their source of stability and endless supply of love and compassion.
Have you considered going to al-anon? It would be a great source of support for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
It helps to stay in the present and when she comes home watch her actions, not what she says. And if you can get away for meetings yourself work a program you wish she would work. Get a sponser, meetings meetings meetings.....work the steps with every problem you have with her, or anything else. Pick up the phone, talk here, do what needs to be done for you and your kids. Let your wife stay in her hoola-hoop. When I get out of the victim/judge loop and stay in the moment with no expectations I have a better day. Somebody said in a meeting if you are depressed you are in the past and if you are in the future you will have anxiety. Stay in the present, in your own hoola-hoop, and kick the judge/victim out. GRATITUDE lists are super. She will have to earn your trust back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
The resentment is a big good reason to go to alanon. At the very least you can find people who relate to your feelings, who have similar stories.
Posting here is a big help, also.
I know my RAH is doing his best, and itis still difficult, and he is not here with us, because it was too hard to share a home while he goes through relearning how to live as a sober adult.
Its tough, and there is work for you to do, also, even if you choose to leave the marriage, because no one wants/needs to live with all that anger.
write a lot. get yourself clear about what is real, what is reaction, what is yours, what you will live with, or not live with.
making boundaries is key,..
start thinking about what is tolerable for you and what is healthy/ unhealthy for you and your kids.
If you are a jumble, it is extra hard, because she will be, too.
And all of the above does not mean you cant be supportive, it just means you are supportive of her efforts, while ALSO looking after yourself and the kids' well being.
keep posting!
Posting here is a big help, also.
I know my RAH is doing his best, and itis still difficult, and he is not here with us, because it was too hard to share a home while he goes through relearning how to live as a sober adult.
Its tough, and there is work for you to do, also, even if you choose to leave the marriage, because no one wants/needs to live with all that anger.
write a lot. get yourself clear about what is real, what is reaction, what is yours, what you will live with, or not live with.
making boundaries is key,..
start thinking about what is tolerable for you and what is healthy/ unhealthy for you and your kids.
If you are a jumble, it is extra hard, because she will be, too.
And all of the above does not mean you cant be supportive, it just means you are supportive of her efforts, while ALSO looking after yourself and the kids' well being.
keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hello and welcome to SR, Jeep08.
I too, have an AW. I too, distrust her. I also resent her. She's also supposed to attend an outpatient program. We'll see about that.
You asked a question in your first post. "How do I give her that chance and try to trust her again?"
I struggle with this same question and after spending a good amount of time on myself, I have an answer that works for me. My AW won't get her cake and eat it too. I won't give her both a chance and trust. Those are separate topics in my life. She needs to prove to herself that she can get sober. I'll give her that chance. I've set my boundary. If she doesn't find sobriety, I will divorce her and she knows this. So now is her chance and it's one that I'm giving her. Does that make me controlling of her? No. I maintain the control on myself. She'll do whatever she needs to do but at least I'm not filing paperwork right now. I won't control her or monitor her anymore.
Trusting her again will happen once she's able to prove via action that she's working her plan and is sober. She needs to do the work to rebuild that trust. I've decided I won't be such a codie and grant her trust because she puts forth some token gesture. I take a hard cruel stance on this. I don't pipe off hard and cruel towards her. She does it to me. So again, just like they have to find sobriety for themselves, they also need to prove they can be trusted. Weather or not I see it, is up to me.
I don't know if that makes sense but I hope it helps. Sometimes I've found myself trying to eat the whole elephant when I really need to take one bite at a time.
Good luck man. It's a tough ride. I'm very proud of you for taking care of you and your kids. Keep on posting and writing. We get it.
I too, have an AW. I too, distrust her. I also resent her. She's also supposed to attend an outpatient program. We'll see about that.
You asked a question in your first post. "How do I give her that chance and try to trust her again?"
I struggle with this same question and after spending a good amount of time on myself, I have an answer that works for me. My AW won't get her cake and eat it too. I won't give her both a chance and trust. Those are separate topics in my life. She needs to prove to herself that she can get sober. I'll give her that chance. I've set my boundary. If she doesn't find sobriety, I will divorce her and she knows this. So now is her chance and it's one that I'm giving her. Does that make me controlling of her? No. I maintain the control on myself. She'll do whatever she needs to do but at least I'm not filing paperwork right now. I won't control her or monitor her anymore.
Trusting her again will happen once she's able to prove via action that she's working her plan and is sober. She needs to do the work to rebuild that trust. I've decided I won't be such a codie and grant her trust because she puts forth some token gesture. I take a hard cruel stance on this. I don't pipe off hard and cruel towards her. She does it to me. So again, just like they have to find sobriety for themselves, they also need to prove they can be trusted. Weather or not I see it, is up to me.
I don't know if that makes sense but I hope it helps. Sometimes I've found myself trying to eat the whole elephant when I really need to take one bite at a time.
Good luck man. It's a tough ride. I'm very proud of you for taking care of you and your kids. Keep on posting and writing. We get it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome to SR! I too am pretty new so my advise here to others is pretty limited. I think you have some great advise already from some of the others. I understand how difficult it must be to get to an alanon meeting. I urge you to do what you can to get to more. Ask for help with babysitting and find a night meeting. Maybe during your lunch break even.
Before I started Alanon I struggled with why do I need alanon? I am not the one with the problem! I did however, through my therapist recommendations, read the book Codependence No More. I highly recommend you get it and read it. I am now reading the main Alanon book so I can better understand what that is all about too. When we live with an A we slowly get so intwined with their addiction it becomes very consuming and drains us of our strength and sanity. The book and Alanon helped me to see this and is giving me the tools I need to break away from it in a healthy way. It is helping me focus on me and determine what I need in my life. I don't know at this point where my marriage is going, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust my AH again, but I do know that those answers will come in time.
Best of luck! Keep reading, keep posting and just know life can get better.
Before I started Alanon I struggled with why do I need alanon? I am not the one with the problem! I did however, through my therapist recommendations, read the book Codependence No More. I highly recommend you get it and read it. I am now reading the main Alanon book so I can better understand what that is all about too. When we live with an A we slowly get so intwined with their addiction it becomes very consuming and drains us of our strength and sanity. The book and Alanon helped me to see this and is giving me the tools I need to break away from it in a healthy way. It is helping me focus on me and determine what I need in my life. I don't know at this point where my marriage is going, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust my AH again, but I do know that those answers will come in time.
Best of luck! Keep reading, keep posting and just know life can get better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You can't do it without Alanon. You are going to have to figure out a way. And, it takes a long, long. long, long time to get trust back at any significant level (and a trustworthy person to trust).
Good luck my friend.
Cyranoak
Good luck my friend.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
Jeep,
For my wife coming out of the treatment was hardly the start.
She then span her wheels for weeks, the engine of recovery coughed and spluttered.
After two months she is chugging along in first gear, running on three cylinders only.
But hey, it is moving along, but it is a slow and painful for them also.
immerse yourself in some sort of programme.
Take care...
For my wife coming out of the treatment was hardly the start.
She then span her wheels for weeks, the engine of recovery coughed and spluttered.
After two months she is chugging along in first gear, running on three cylinders only.
But hey, it is moving along, but it is a slow and painful for them also.
immerse yourself in some sort of programme.
Take care...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alberta Canada
Posts: 46
Thanks great words
Thanks for the words. After four weeks of the program she is allowed a pass to get out of the facility and spend part of the day with the kids and I tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Last weeks shorter visit did not go very well. Kids did not behave well and she was miserable. An outside environment with something for the kids to have fun with may help. It makes for a long day as the facility is out in the country and about 2 ½ hour drive each way plus a visit.
She was able to phone earlier tonight for a few minutes. I suggested we should find some way to spend time together one on one when she is finished the program even if it is only one or two hours without the kids to talk each week. We need to work on our marriage if this is going to be worth it. She was very disinterested in talking about setting some us time aside. She said she will be very focused on going to meetings and being with the kids and I get that as they need to be priorities but we also need to work on us even if it is one hour per week. Hope she changes her mind in the next two weeks of treatment and sees the importance of this.
I get that when she went in I was the bad guy by telling her she needed treatment or needed to leave the house. She is still very resentfully of that. I she was a very high functioning alcoholic and fooled me in relapses for long periods. Her drinking was dangerous to our kids. I can not control if she drinks or not but need to keep my kids safe from its impact on them and their safety.
This is going to be a long process for both of us. I will find time for the alonon meetings but need to access some family support to watch the kids, as of yet have not found anything that will work on a regular basis. Will keep working on it.
Thanks for the words, good to know I am not alone.
On a positive note did get a good workout with the kids at a family Karate this AM. The exercise feels great and it is something the kids and I can do together that has a positive effect on all of us, physically and mentally. Our 6 year old did a great job of staying with the entire 1 hr class. As I can do this with the kids I am not restricted by needing a sitter to do it.
She was able to phone earlier tonight for a few minutes. I suggested we should find some way to spend time together one on one when she is finished the program even if it is only one or two hours without the kids to talk each week. We need to work on our marriage if this is going to be worth it. She was very disinterested in talking about setting some us time aside. She said she will be very focused on going to meetings and being with the kids and I get that as they need to be priorities but we also need to work on us even if it is one hour per week. Hope she changes her mind in the next two weeks of treatment and sees the importance of this.
I get that when she went in I was the bad guy by telling her she needed treatment or needed to leave the house. She is still very resentfully of that. I she was a very high functioning alcoholic and fooled me in relapses for long periods. Her drinking was dangerous to our kids. I can not control if she drinks or not but need to keep my kids safe from its impact on them and their safety.
This is going to be a long process for both of us. I will find time for the alonon meetings but need to access some family support to watch the kids, as of yet have not found anything that will work on a regular basis. Will keep working on it.
Thanks for the words, good to know I am not alone.
On a positive note did get a good workout with the kids at a family Karate this AM. The exercise feels great and it is something the kids and I can do together that has a positive effect on all of us, physically and mentally. Our 6 year old did a great job of staying with the entire 1 hr class. As I can do this with the kids I am not restricted by needing a sitter to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Karate is awesome, I want to get my 6 year old involved in that this summer.
I think it is important to know that she will be confused and on a roller coaster ride.
She will blame you for mostly anything, BUT only if you allow that.
You can disengage from all that.
Try not to engage her if she is being difficult or manipulative.
No big todo, just say, I dont want to talk now, or we can talk later...
One thing to remember, relapse or not, YOu do not have to go on her every dip and swell with her.
You can focus on your day and your emotions, you can support her efforts, but still keep yourself clear and strong.
Just remember that she is on a roller coaster ride, and then step back, and take a mini inventory:
how do YOU feel right now?
How did you feel, how was your day going before she threw a drama scene, or a blame game?
Get back to that, and practice that, each time your recovery time will get shorter.
Just allow her to feel as she feels, dont expect too much right away, and keep living a full life, whether she chooses to take part or not.
And dont accept blame games.
If she is struggling it is her struggle.
But thats a two way street. Yours is yours, also.
Hope this helps. keep posting!
I think it is important to know that she will be confused and on a roller coaster ride.
She will blame you for mostly anything, BUT only if you allow that.
You can disengage from all that.
Try not to engage her if she is being difficult or manipulative.
No big todo, just say, I dont want to talk now, or we can talk later...
One thing to remember, relapse or not, YOu do not have to go on her every dip and swell with her.
You can focus on your day and your emotions, you can support her efforts, but still keep yourself clear and strong.
Just remember that she is on a roller coaster ride, and then step back, and take a mini inventory:
how do YOU feel right now?
How did you feel, how was your day going before she threw a drama scene, or a blame game?
Get back to that, and practice that, each time your recovery time will get shorter.
Just allow her to feel as she feels, dont expect too much right away, and keep living a full life, whether she chooses to take part or not.
And dont accept blame games.
If she is struggling it is her struggle.
But thats a two way street. Yours is yours, also.
Hope this helps. keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alberta Canada
Posts: 46
Long road
I will keep posting. It’s a long road forward. We have had a bumpy last 4 years this is her biggest step for treatment, going for 6 weeks of treatment. This time I have this group and Alonon in the future to gain info
Buffalo66
Thanks for the words. Regarding your 6 year old and karate: its been a few good weeks, we just started it. Myself, 6 year old son, 9 year old son and my and 12 year daughter are taking the class together. I spent the last winter as assistant coaches on both boys hockey teams. I love being part of the kids spots and its great my daughter has joined us. If you can take the classes with you son go for it. It means so much more to the kids if you share there experience with them.
Buffalo66
Thanks for the words. Regarding your 6 year old and karate: its been a few good weeks, we just started it. Myself, 6 year old son, 9 year old son and my and 12 year daughter are taking the class together. I spent the last winter as assistant coaches on both boys hockey teams. I love being part of the kids spots and its great my daughter has joined us. If you can take the classes with you son go for it. It means so much more to the kids if you share there experience with them.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
The resentment is a big good reason to go to alanon.
I had an AL ANON meeting and it was speaker nite, it was AA and AL ANON speakers how the 2 work together in recovery in a home...this couple (AA speaker) has been in recovery for more than 40 years...he said if it was not for his wife in AL ANON, it could not work...it was an awesome meeting...and it does work if you work the program HONESTLY...
~god bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alberta Canada
Posts: 46
Cautiously Optimistic.
It was a good day!
My wife was able to leave the rehab centre to spend the day with the kids and I. She was in a good state of mind. She got along with the kids and with me. She had 12 hours to be away from the facility but we only used 6 of them. Anything more is too long of a day for the kids as we have to add 4 hour driving time to our day. We spent 3 hours at a wave pool and water slide. This was good as the kids were busy and having fun and we had a few opportunities to talk as well. I was not worried about watching all three kids solo as she was attentive and helpful. She was really listening to the kids yesterday. This was a good day and while I know it won’t all be good like this one it gives me hope that there is something good worth working to that can include my wife in the picture and not exclude her. Hoping for more day like that. I guess you could say today I am cautiously optimistic.
My wife was able to leave the rehab centre to spend the day with the kids and I. She was in a good state of mind. She got along with the kids and with me. She had 12 hours to be away from the facility but we only used 6 of them. Anything more is too long of a day for the kids as we have to add 4 hour driving time to our day. We spent 3 hours at a wave pool and water slide. This was good as the kids were busy and having fun and we had a few opportunities to talk as well. I was not worried about watching all three kids solo as she was attentive and helpful. She was really listening to the kids yesterday. This was a good day and while I know it won’t all be good like this one it gives me hope that there is something good worth working to that can include my wife in the picture and not exclude her. Hoping for more day like that. I guess you could say today I am cautiously optimistic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alberta Canada
Posts: 46
Cautiously Optimistic.
It was a good day!
My wife was able to leave the rehab centre to spend the day with the kids and I. She was in a good state of mind. She got along with the kids and with me. She had 12 hours to be away from the facility but we only used 6 of them. Anything more is too long of a day for the kids as we have to add 4 hour driving time to our day. We spent 3 hours at a wave pool and water slide. This was good as the kids were busy and having fun and we had a few opportunities to talk as well. I was not worried about watching all three kids solo as she was attentive and helpful. She was really listening to the kids yesterday. This was a good day and while I know it won’t all be good like this one it gives me hope that there is something good worth working to that can include my wife in the picture and not exclude her. Hoping for more day like that. I guess you could say today I am cautiously optimistic.
My wife was able to leave the rehab centre to spend the day with the kids and I. She was in a good state of mind. She got along with the kids and with me. She had 12 hours to be away from the facility but we only used 6 of them. Anything more is too long of a day for the kids as we have to add 4 hour driving time to our day. We spent 3 hours at a wave pool and water slide. This was good as the kids were busy and having fun and we had a few opportunities to talk as well. I was not worried about watching all three kids solo as she was attentive and helpful. She was really listening to the kids yesterday. This was a good day and while I know it won’t all be good like this one it gives me hope that there is something good worth working to that can include my wife in the picture and not exclude her. Hoping for more day like that. I guess you could say today I am cautiously optimistic.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You're getting a lot of good advice. I personally don't have much experience with people in the initial stages of recovery but I would imagine, of course, she's not going to be in a good mood. She's probably going thru some withdrawal, plus this is a major life change for her. It's not easy for an addict to kick a drug.
Also, how can you tell she's not lying? Building trust back up takes a LOT of time. If she's working her program diligently, you'll KNOW whether she's changed and whether you can trust her. One of the foundations of AA is complete and total HONESTY. Only in honesty can an addict find recovery, because the disease keeps them in denial. To recover they have to courageously face the truth. You'll either see that, or you won't.
In the meantime, I'd recommend you go to al-anon, if you're not already. This is a family disease. All parties need recovery, healing and help.
Also, how can you tell she's not lying? Building trust back up takes a LOT of time. If she's working her program diligently, you'll KNOW whether she's changed and whether you can trust her. One of the foundations of AA is complete and total HONESTY. Only in honesty can an addict find recovery, because the disease keeps them in denial. To recover they have to courageously face the truth. You'll either see that, or you won't.
In the meantime, I'd recommend you go to al-anon, if you're not already. This is a family disease. All parties need recovery, healing and help.
Originally Posted by Jeep08
Thanks for the heads up, not to expect too much. I guess I am angry that after three weeks she has yet to say she is sorry for all the lies even once. She admits she has lied about things for a vey long time but not even one sorry.
The money does not bother me that much paying for recovery is far cheaper than lawyer bills and that was the point we were at when she went in. I have three small kids and could not face them growing up exposed to her drinking on a full time basis. If in time I get the real her back it will be worth every penny. Knowing what others have experienced and what to expect will help lots.
We get to see her now on Sundays and last Sunday was not a good visit. She was grumpy, kids acted out and no one came away from the visit with what we wanted. I spent most of the Monday in a sad place. Last two days are better. I have my three kids in a Karate program that we have just started and take it with them. The exercise really helped get me feeling better. I highly recommend exercise to others.
The money does not bother me that much paying for recovery is far cheaper than lawyer bills and that was the point we were at when she went in. I have three small kids and could not face them growing up exposed to her drinking on a full time basis. If in time I get the real her back it will be worth every penny. Knowing what others have experienced and what to expect will help lots.
We get to see her now on Sundays and last Sunday was not a good visit. She was grumpy, kids acted out and no one came away from the visit with what we wanted. I spent most of the Monday in a sad place. Last two days are better. I have my three kids in a Karate program that we have just started and take it with them. The exercise really helped get me feeling better. I highly recommend exercise to others.
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