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Old 04-20-2011, 05:03 AM
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Impact on Work

How many of you have had your significant others' alcoholism (and our response to it of course) spill over into work and impact you professionally as well as personally?

I ask bc I've missed more work than I should have bc of his antics. And today I got a note from HR saying that even though I will accrue more sick time, the fact that I don't have any right now means that the time I spent out bc of my hospital stay last week will be deducted from my next paycheck. If they wanted to they could let me accrue my additional sick time and apply that but they aren't and I guess that's their prerogative but I'm pissed (at myself mostly).

The days I've been out bc of his antics (ie: being gone on a bender when he was to stay home for 2 days with D3 after my 2 days home with her after her surgery this fall, or being out this winter after he assaulted me...) really really **** me off....

Another reason to never be involved with an A. Not only do they wreck their lives, but those around them too and I've been a willing participant in this happening. This sucks.
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:34 AM
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Sure--I was a total mess at work on more than one occasion. I missed work was when he was in the hospital, just home from the hospital, and when I was in the process of moving out.

Do you now have a backup plan for taking care of your kids when they are sick? You need to build that little bank of sick time back up....
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:56 AM
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This has happened to me. It scared me because I'm a nurse and making mistakes can put people at serious risk. I remember stating to a co-worker "I'm glad I have all my checks in place because I would have made about 5 mistakes already." I was so distracted by what was happening at home i was losing my focus at work... I realized then just how unhealthy I was
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:59 AM
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Mine has been marginal so far. When AW got drunk and broke her ankle, I had to miss a couple of days to deal with it... running around buying a bedside potty seat, renting a wheelchair... then the day of her surgery.

Luckily, my boss has been supportive. I didn't try to cover it up; I just told him outright that my wife is an alcoholic and that I may have to miss a few days here and there to clean up her mess.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:14 AM
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WTBH -

Go back through all my posts and you'll see... I'm right there with you. My business has suffered tremendously with all the personal drama/chaos over the past 6-7 months. I have been disconnected mentally and can't get the engineering done (the part I LOVE!), so the parts I really don't enjoy (taxes, billing, management) have just completely been dropped.

It's not good. And the scary thing for me is that if I don't work, and bill... there's no business revenue... no business revenue... no paycheck.

That reality is what is helping me dive head first into recovery. I NEED to get my head back. I need to get the business rolling ahead again. So, I gave myself the month of March/beginning of April as a "hall pass" so to speak, I had enough cash on hand to pay a partial salary through end of April. I had to take some pressure off myself and be patient... but I also couldn't sit and wallow in my misery either. I have responsibilities that I need to attend to.

I have to say that being patient and honest and focused on me... has paid off tremendously. In the past week... my mind has cleared, my engineering thinking has returned... and I'm getting going in a forward direction again. My HP has been by my side, sometimes carrying me... and I'm going to be OKAY!

You will too. You just have to figure out a way to detach from HIM and all the chaos. And then get focused on you, and getting yourself put back together.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:18 AM
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Well, I quit my job thinking it would make life better, but I didn't know what alcoholism was really like then and how serious it was. If I could turn back time, I would have kept the job and ditched the guy, but I guess I had to go through all of this to know that.

But, I knew a woman at my old job who had a chaotic home life and had to miss more than her fair share of work, there wasn't a whole lot of sympathy on the part of my mostly male and single team. Lots of grumbling about how they wished they could get away with taking so many days off...it's hard to try to work and parent under normal circumstances, add this to the mix and it's very challenging. I can't imagine being in a job that required a lot of concentration, like a nurse!
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:24 AM
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My job was cut due to budget cuts so at the end of June I will be unemployed so building up my sick time is a non issue at the moment.

I didn't tell anyone here what was happening until this late winter and I feel like I made myself look irresponsible (missing work) and hurt my professional image bc I was more concerned with keeping up appearances than telling the truth. What a FOOL I've been.

Having a full time job and trying to be a good Mom is hard enough under good circumstances and I've tried hard to keep up my parenting but I've let my job slip in recent months and I know it.

I'm frazzled about finances as it is and learning today that I will have a much much smaller paycheck next week is sending me off the deep end. I literally live paycheck to paycheck (despite making good money thanks to debt and AH's irresponsible spending that wiped out our savings) so this is going to be a problem.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:31 AM
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You will get through it somehow, you really will. It might be messy, but you sound like you have a potential job and it will work out well for you.

I keep trying to picture my life in a year, and I hope my house will be sold, I will be divorced and have some kind of job and I will not be being bothered by my AH anymore. Visualizing this is getting me through today. I know I have had hard times in the past, days I felt like I could not survive, and now they are all distant memories. This will be too and it won't hurt like it does now.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:35 AM
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Okay, take a big deep breath.... and then another one...

YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!! I promise. It looks scary and gloomy right now, but that's because you're swirling around in the middle of the chaos.

You need to get your feet back on the ground in reality, and start making a plan. Get back to the truth, the facts, and go from there.

So, you're paycheck is going to be smaller next week... by how much? What bills do you owe? And which of those do you absolutely HAVE to pay, and the others - can you negotiate with the person/company you owe the money to? You need to be able to buy food, pay rent - put the money towards necessities first. Picking up the phone and calling creditors is scary, but it's better than doing nothing, and not paying the bill. They'd rather talk to you and know they are going to get paid... money late is better than no money at all!! And if you talk to them, they may be willing to wave the late fees.

What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, okay?

let me repeat myself....

YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!!
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:52 AM
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Consider meeting with Consumer Credit Counseling Service or another non profit that helps with debt. They don't charge for consultation/classes and they can haggle with your creditors to drop interest rates.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:52 AM
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Yes, my XAH very much affected my job performance, which wasn't really good since I'd *just* been hired here when things started to get hairy. He started dropping in to meet my bosses (i.e. "check up on me" and assert his ownership of me). He would call me several times a day and email even more. When we separated, he started harassing me and yelling into the phone. I was afraid to pick up the phone, which isn't very productive if you're a secretary.

When things really started to unravel, I went to HR. I told them what was happening so that it was clear. They worked with me but I wanted to make sure that I didn't acquire a reputation as a "problem employee" so I treaded carefully. I was given a phone with caller ID when the rest of the firm didn't have them yet. I was offered a few days off, unpaid of course, to deal with things like going to court or medical appointments. I used all my sick and personal days without guilt, knowing I really needed them then. I spoke with my boss and told him about XAH's threats to go after him directly; he took note of the situation and assured me that only idiots go after partners in a giant law firm, and that he would take steps should XAH bother him.
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:09 AM
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My AH of 22 years said 18 months ago that he was going to carry on drinking and if I didn't like it I could leave.

I have spent the last eighteen months or so attending Al-anon, seeing a therapist and visiting SR regularly. I have also been trying to detach and finding new outside the home hobbies such as singing in an acapella choir.

None of it has truly worked for me. I still occasionally check bank accounts, the beer fridge, I get angry, I feel alone and I miss lots of lots of work through taking sick days! I am embarrassed and anxious that I will be sacked. I stress about this everyday. Its not his alcohol antics that cause it, I just have no get up and go and struggle to face each day.

My final straw was when I had 6 migraines in a row and was told by the doctor that she was worried about my heart because of the medication I was taking for my migraines, as I have high cholesterol too. On the way home I thought 'my husband alcoholism is going to kill me!'

Since then I have been planning to leave. He has made his choice to carry on drinking and I am allowing it to hurt me too much and I cant live that way and be healthy. I still love him but love myself more.
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:33 AM
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With XABF, I burned through all my vacation and sick days as quickly as I accrued them. He didn't understand the concepts of me saving, with money or with vacation/sick leave, and so made sure to spend everything I had. I did save up a little, I told him it was for Christmas vacation, but then I spent that too by going over to his office and babysitting him. Anything I did do was haphazard and sloppy.

My manager called me in to talk to me, I wouldn't tell him what was going on, I know he went to HR for guidance at least once, and I am certain I would have been fired if I hadn't been a model employee the previous year, and I'm lucky I have my job now. He took a gamble on me, and put his career on the line to save mine.

Now that XABF is out of the picture, I am doing great, I'm on top of almost everything, and I have a week of vacation saved up. (I've been burning through my sick days, taking them a few hours here, a few hours there, but they'll disappear in June if I don't spend them by then, so I have no regrets about that!)
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:37 AM
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The affects on my job were what drove me to leave. My life was truly becoming unmanageable. And the place I could see it most was at work and with my kids. I can't afford to lose my job, plus I have worked so hard to get to where I am that I decided it was worth fighting for. It was a driving factor in my decision to separate.

But I, too, talked to my boss and made arrangements for times I knew I would need off (like this week...trying to move and balance a very busy life is overwhelming) and I needed the support of my colleagues to help me reorganize my universe. Everyone in my office knows what I am doing this week and why I am doing it - there are no secrets anymore. I also work "off hours" - evenings and early mornings, weekends, etc. when I need the work day to take care of my personal life.

I feel absolutely frantic, juggling everything and dropping the occasional ball here and there. But that's ok - I am not perfect and I am producing, albeit at a lower level than before but at least its better than it was 6-9 months ago!
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
With XABF, I burned through all my vacation and sick days as quickly as I accrued them. He didn't understand the concepts of me saving, with money or with vacation/sick leave, and so made sure to spend everything I had. I did save up a little, I told him it was for Christmas vacation, but then I spent that too by going over to his office and babysitting him. Anything I did do was haphazard and sloppy.

My manager called me in to talk to me, I wouldn't tell him what was going on, I know he went to HR for guidance at least once, and I am certain I would have been fired if I hadn't been a model employee the previous year, and I'm lucky I have my job now. He took a gamble on me, and put his career on the line to save mine.
I can't be certain of this but a big part of me wonders if I'd had a less unstable attendance record, whether my boss would've done the same. My job was cut from the budget but a part of me thinks they might have tried to find something else for me in the district if things were better. My work speaks for itself and I've gotten nothing but positive reviews formally and informally, but I have been out a lot and I know it had an impact and I am so so angry with myself most of all for letting my sick and abusive AH impact my career.
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:49 AM
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The affects on my job were what drove me to leave. My life was truly becoming unmanageable. And the place I could see it most was at work and with my kids. I can't afford to lose my job, plus I have worked so hard to get to where I am that I decided it was worth fighting for. It was a driving factor in my decision to separate.
I wish I'd figured this out sooner for my sake... I can't control the economy but I could have controlled leaving my AH long ago and the days I've missed and the impact that had on whether my boss fought for me for another position in the district is something I can pretend not to know the answer to but deep down I KNOW it impacted my job.

I hate myself for losing my job bc of what it means for my kids lives and the fact that I did have a hand in it (at least I feel I did) and might have been able to save it if I'd done things differently attendance wise makes me hate myself and see how selfish I was to stay with AH when all it did was cause disaster.
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Old 04-20-2011, 09:06 AM
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It is what it is WTBH.... no use dwelling in the past about what you could have or should have done. You did what you did, you are where you are. And all things happen for a reason.

So stay in the present. Right here, right now.

So what are you going to do about the bills?
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Old 04-20-2011, 09:27 AM
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Wanttobehealthy, IMHO, when one door closes, it means there's another door opening that is going to be much better than the one that closed. I've lived long enough to see that in action. Yes, you have learned some lessons (painful ones, no less) and yes, regret is a part of life, but keep your eyes open for the door...its there or coming soon...don't put the blinders back on or you'll miss it.

You have a whole life ahead of you - time to turn this over to your HP and wait and watch for the new door to open. Or maybe it already has and its time to investigate it. Either way, you are going to be ok. Things will happen as they are meant to happen. There is a reason for everything.

Stay strong!
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Old 04-20-2011, 09:28 AM
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I'll just pay things in a different order at the start of the month and it'll be tight but okay.

It's just one more 'oh crap' on the financial list of problems that I could have done without.

I am trying to find a way to send the girls at least one day a week to their summer camp (it's the school they go to during the year but the summer program) and I wasn't anticipating having this 'deduction' so it just threw an unexpected wrinkle in an already complicated situation.

The bills will be fine...
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Old 04-20-2011, 09:48 AM
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I lost two very good jobs because of my inability to deal with wife's alcoholism in any kind of healthy way, and from disengaging from work to deal with alcohol-related ****. Not only was I not at work often, but when I was physically there I was unable to perform.

I became such a bad employee that both companies were ultimately forced to let me go. I can't believe they waited so long to fire me. I would have fired me much sooner.

I occasionally still have that problem, but less often. Let's see if I can keep this job for more than two years. Fingers crossed.

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