BobbyJ

I asked the so called...(RAH) if he has been drinking since he moved.

Of course he said..No, I just had 2 beers one night with my brother.

I said..OH! (Im sure I had a bitchey tone to my voice)

He replied "OMG, Why do you have a problem with 2 beers, it was just beer"

I think he wants me to say: Well thats better than a 5th of whiskey a day, like you were drinking, Im so proud of you...

I told him, it's like being pregnant...
There is no such thing as,, kind of being pregnant

Another frustrating day...

Praying that tomorrow is better than today.......

Tuffgirl

Ahhhh...the steps to detaching. You asked him a question that you already know the answer to. Got your response. Now what are you going to do with it?

Use this moment to propel you into action of some kind...maybe by making sure tomorrow is a better day because you didn't talk to him and had a nice day all by yourself!

wanttobehealthy

Rationalization and justification on his part and of course you're the bad guy bc you aren't playing along and saying what he wants to hear. And yes, what he wants to hear is .

That conversation (even the beer/whiskey reference) is IDENTICAL to ones I have had in recent months with my "R"AH.

For as long as they think that what they drink and the quantity they drink is a step toward recovery... they aren't anywhere near recovery at all.

Don't engage at all about it-- come here instead. He WANTS you to get upset so he can have another rationalization to continue drinking.

Some of my H's on going statements since he "committed" to recovery.

"I'm going to try" (to stop lying, to stop hiding alcohol, etc...
"I want to stop, I just process things by understanding them intellectually first and THEN acting differently"
"I want to want to stop"
"You expect perfection" (when he is held accountable for his unacceptable behavior and fwiw I definitely do not expect perfection)

I'm guessing you've heard similar things too... Neither your H nor mine are anywhere near wanting to recover imho.

suki44883

I agree with tuffgirl. You asked, he answered. Next time, don't ask. His recovery, or lack thereof, is on him. Can't recall if you attend alanon meetings, but you might want to. They can help you learn to detach.

ukiah77

I have heard this one also. But we know it was more than just "2" beers and it was more than just that "one night." What he's really saying is that yes, he is still drinking. Rationalizing and justifying at it's finest.

GettingBy

Yup, file that one next to... "But my drinking is so much better than it used to be."

And to be honest, if he thinks it's better, and he's okay with that... then that's his perogative.

The reality is for me - I am aware of the slippery slope and how quickly he and I slide back down it when the drinking ramps back up again (and it ALWAYS ramps back up). So, as long as the drinking continues - even if it's ONLY 1-2 beers - the cycle continues. And I'm not okay living in that situation anymore. Sitting and wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Prepared for the "worst". It's a terrible, terrible way to live. He tells me I focus too much on the "what ifs" - and he's right, I do. But in my defense, I do this because I am too aware of the cycle we are living in. I want to learn new behaviors, and get healthy mentally - and I just can't do that while I'm living in a "war zone".

My AH doesn't see it as a drink/don't drink option... he says, "Progress, not perfection" and moderate the drinking. Which may be true... maybe he's not an alcoholic. But he DOES have a drinking problem. He's drinking less, but he's not doing a damn thing to address the underlying issues - so it's in no way shape or form RECOVERY. It's white knuckling, at best.

But the reality of all that is... his drinking is his business. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. So I need to take the steps to detach myself from it.

So, what do you need to do to detach yourself from him?

Eddiebuckle

As an alcoholic, I can vouch for that statement. I'm sure there were times when I truly only had two beers, but that was the extreme exception. "Two beers" usually translated to "saying I only had one beer is not credible, but saying exactly how much I drank will only start an argument." Which may be why he was so annoyed by your pushing back - can't even lie about his drinking without catching crap about it.

Detach, you truly don't have a dog in this fight.

GettingBy

Eddie... I could hug you right now. It's soo good to hear from an alcoholic on this. My husband always gives me the "I only had 2.." line and for years, I would dig deeper. Now I don't even acknowledge the statement. I don't care... don't even tell me you were drinking... because we both know you were and there's no need to talk about it.

The thing he said that really stuck with me was... "I hate coming home, feeling like a child who's going to get scolded." Ugh, so he sees me as a "mother" figure... which I may be acting somewhat like (I'm working on it!)... but he's also saying this to put the blame and attention on me.

BobbyJ

YES..>Thank You Eddie...

I dont know why it is, but sometimes hearing it from your side (AA), really hits home
with me more than it does on my side (Alanon)..

wanttobehealthy

I agree- thanks Eddie... it kind of validates (though I know I 'shouldn't' need this) that when everything in me has screamed "there's no way you only had 2 beers, you are so drunk" but I'm being told point blank that I'm crazy and should believe him, that my gut is ALWAYS the right belief to go with...

Even now, while on bail conditions that say "no drinking", AH has and he admits it's not okay but he talks about it in terms of relativity-- "I had a grand total of 8 beers on 3 separate occassions" and tells me that "what he drank doesn't warrant the reaction I've given it". He's right- I shouldn't give it any reaction, but that isn't bc it's not a problem. To him though, the fact that he's not drinking a case a night (which he's done for years) means that breaking bail and drinking at all really isn't that bad since it was "only 8 beers".

Honestly, even as I type this I am thinking to myself-- maybe he's right-- maybe it is somewhat relative. That's what popped into my head. Sick huh? At least I see that now and I am 'fessing up on here about that thinking to remind myself just how insane it is!

GettingBy

I had the SAME thought this morning!! I had dropped the kids off, was driving to work and thinking about where I am and where I want to go. The internal dialogue - "Well, maybe we don't have to get a divorce. Maybe I can accept moderation...." and once I realized what I was thinking I wanted to slap myself silly!!!

Was I really trying to talk myself into accepting the unacceptable?!?!!? Was I really allowing myself to buy into his theory that the drinking is okay?!??!


GOOD GOD... get me to a meeting.

laurie6781

(((((BobbyJ)))))

You do realize if you ask any law officer, State Patrol, County Sheriff, City Police that do DUI traffic stops what answer they get most to their question:

"How much have you had to drink tonight/today?"

The answer the major majority of the time is


2


I don't know why that is, I have no clue, but it is true, a guy or gal gets stops, obviously loaded to the max and their answer will be 2. roflmao

So you knew, you got your answer, no maybe it really is time to 'move on.'

For me I reached a point that after expending all the energy I did and all the support I could, I was just empty. I had no more to give to another and I knew if I didn't take care of myself, I was going to be in some real deep trouble.

Continue to post, we are here for you in whatever you decide.

Love and hugs,

wanttobehealthy

Perhaps an ex of HP at work here... I'm "confessing" my insane thinking (which I still am struggling with even as I say here that it's insane) and you too were having the same kinds of thoughts... maybe hearing others say they are thinking similarly helps us all see how un-well it is to be around A's who aren't in recovery....

GettingBy

Absolutely!!! I have realized lately that my HP brought me back to SR because there were people here now that were exactly what I needed to help keep me moving forward. I find so much strength and reassurance in so many posts lately... I actually find myself nodding as I'm reading. It's good to know... I'M NOT CRAZY.

And it's good to have a save place to go for a "reality check". It keeps me honest and helps keep me from (or at least minimizes) backsliding in my recovery program.

I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude for where I am right now. It's a pain-filled and sad place, but by the grace of god and through the help of Al-anon and SR... I have found peace and serenity.

wanttobehealthy

I am definitely not as far along as you but I feel like in just a few weeks I've gotten so much clearer about what I want and need to do and gotten so much more peace than I've felt in a long time and it's largely attributable to the direction SR and the people on it have given me... Like you I am full of gratitude for that...

Cyranoak

I say this with compassion in my heart:

Stop asking for God's sake! Alanon, Alanon, Alanon!

When you ask you force them to lie, or you create EXACTLY the situation you created. Nothing good comes of that! EVER!

Stop expecting a dog not to bark. Stop asking it if it barked.

It's a dog. Dogs bark.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

noidea123

Any advice in regard to my father whom is rapidly killing himself with alcohol?...He lives on my property (in tiny trailer) and is violent, volatile, and has guns. All he does all day long is wander the property drunk every single day. I want him to get help sure but I really NEED him to leave from here and he won't. He is currently on probation for drunk driving so I could call his PO but gee, I would call that a last resort move but...
any ideas? "I am between a rock and HELL" thanks

Cyranoak

...rather than burying it in an existing thread on a different topic. Then folks might try and give you guidance.

That said, you already answered your own question.

Cyranoak