lockedout

My ex-girlfriend is bi-polar, suffers from PTSD, and is a recovering alcoholic. We dated for some wonderful months before she relapsed into drinking last month.

It seems her bi-polar conditions began cycling pretty quickly. She would be hyper manic followed by extreme depression. So suddently depressed she wanted to kill herself. And as long as she was going to kill herself she figured why not drink...

Anyway - she wound up in a mandatory psych lockdown for days. I tried my best to support her. I visited her every day. Brought books to read. A t-shirt of mine to wear.

But then, to my surprise, she suddenly broke up with me. She said I was a horrible person. Then, that she was in love with me, but didn't want to be romantically involved. Then she said she broke up with me because I had lost interest in her.

I'm here because I don't understand what happened. I thought we were both in love and planning a future together. I know she is hurting and struggling to be sober. I am hurting as she has pushed me away.

Have others dealt with this? I'd appreciate any insight or advice you have to offer.

Thank you in advance. Sorry if this has been covered repeatedly elsewhere on the site. God bless.

coffeedrinker

hey there, lockedout,

welcome to soberrecovery. this is a really terrific site, and i hope you will get the support you seek. we are all a different stages in our own understanding, and "recovery", if you will, but we seem to all have Caring in our personality profiles.

is it possible that your friend has another diagnosis in her future? i'm no shrink, but it sounds pretty kooky.

i don't think anyone can say what happened. my own experience with two addicts, is that they never did anything like that. it's just plain weird.

sometimes, you just have to sit in a painful place - no choice. it really, really sucks.

lockedout

Thanks. I'm the one feeling a bit kooky right now. Just trying to make sense of it all. She's got a lot of issues, but she's strong and is working to get better. She sent me an e-mail yesterday saying she is working on staying sober. I sent her an e-mail this morning telling her I thought she was strong and hoped she would have a good day.

She e-mailed me back never to contact her again. I'm sad and confused.

Buffalo66

A person with a serious illness like bipolar disorder, who is also active in their addiction, and having erratic swings is no one to look to for a clear reflection.

She is acting nutty because she is pretty nutty right now.

You may have to wait until she detoxes, rehabs, starts back on meds for bipolar, and stabilizes before you can expect any normal, or even CONSISTENT response from her to you.

I am sorry, but this is just realistic. She really needs to stabilize.

She is in no position to be trusted about how she feels about you, about herself, or about relationships.

step back and do what you can to take care of yourself.

nodaybut2day

My entire family comprises of bipolar disorder and depression. Many of my uncles/aunts spent years being unmedicated and driving their loves ones nuts. From the sounds of your post, that's exactly where your EXAGF is. Yes, she's got an addiction issue, but the bipolar disorder seems to be influencing her behaviour as well.

I would suggest stepping WAY back and taking some time to let the dust settle.

Tuffgirl

Uggg - my family too - bipolar 1 - some pretty major psychosis. I second noday...this is a combination of diseases that is sure to drive YOU insane if you let it. There are healthy, stable people out there in the big wide world. This woman is not one of those people right now. Giving her lots of space not only helps her but will greatly help you.

There is nothing you can do for her right now, but say a prayer and detach.

So sorry - I know this is very painful and confusing. The back and forth of bipolar disorder is confusing enough - top it off with an addiction and boy howdy - crazy train ride from hell!

Cyranoak

I think one of the most important places to start is this: why in the world would you choose a woman who is bi-polar, suffers from PTSD, and is a recovering alcoholic? Does this seem like good decision-making to you?

Please read this http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html

It seems her bi-polar conditions began cycling pretty quickly. She would be hyper manic followed by extreme depression. So suddently depressed she wanted to kill herself. This is what bi-polar is my friend. What did you expect?

I tried my best to support her. I visited her every day. Brought books to read. A t-shirt of mine to wear. This is fairly typical behavior of a co-dependent person, but it's often difficult to define the line between good support and codependent support. If you feel like a hero or martyr for having done this, then it's codependent support IMHO. If not, then maybe not.

But then, to my surprise, she suddenly broke up with me. She said I was a horrible person. Then, that she was in love with me, but didn't want to be romantically involved. Then she said she broke up with me because I had lost interest in her. Again, she is bi-polar, suffers from PTSD, and is a recovering alcoholic. What the heck do you expect?

I'm here because I don't understand what happened. I thought we were both in love and planning a future together. I know she is hurting and struggling to be sober. I am hurting as she has pushed me away. You don't understand what happened? Really? She is bi-polar, suffers from PTSD, and is a recovering alcoholic. What's to understand? THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL.

What you really need to understand is why you would choose such a person to plan a future with? Are you not attracted to women who ARE NOT bi-polar, PTSD, and recovering alcoholics? Are you only attracted to wounded women? This is what you need to focus on, not this woman, HER recovery, and what YOU can do to help and/or understand.

I say all of this as a 45 year old man who has a pattern and history of choosing women just like yours. It was a miserable life.

Take care my friend, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Francismcan

I agree with cyranoak
Either get off the roller coaster ((the operator appears to have stopped the ride for a little while (locked up)) or securely fasten the seat belt, shoulder harness and put on the helmet.

wanttobehealthy

I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist but I have a mother and AH with borderline personality disorder and the bit you describe sure sounds like there might be something beyond bi polar going on. From what I have learned, many people with BPD are initially and often inaccurately diagnosed bipolar.

an'ka

Don't try to look for rational explanations of her behavior and most definitely don't take what she does or says personally. It has nothing to do with you. Bottom line, this unfortunate woman is very sick and needs a lot of help. From professionals. She is not in a position to handle a relationship or plan anything. As harsh as it sounds, I would strongly suggest you leave her to those who specialize in addiction and mental illness. I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation, I've been there, too. It's disheartening and scary. Take care of yourself.

laurie6781

She started drinking. Her Bi Polar medication stopped working at that time.

She started 'cycling' faster and faster.

Then throw in some PTSD which can appear at any time.

Step back, leave her be. Let the 'experts' try and get her 'back on track' and it will take time.

I wasn't diagnosed with Bi Polar until I was 9 years sobers. It took almost 5 years to find medications that work and continue to work.

At 19 years sober I was diagnosed with Diabetes. Have kept it in check pretty well with diet, exercise and medication. However, diabetes can go crazy all by itself, and it did, I was fighting to keep my blood sugar in line, and the worse the b.s. readings got the more I started to 'cycle' again. Stress.

So my Bi Polar is back in check, my diabetes is back in check and I keep living life.

You need to 'work' on you, figure out why you are attracted to someone with so many 'problems'.

Please step back from her, work on you, try AlAnon and maybe one on one therapy.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

Hi lockedout.
Breakups suck, please take care of yourself. Remember the HALT rule:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

Scan yourself for these often and take care of whatever need is not being met.

I kindly suggest getting a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Excellent book. And "The Language of Letting go".

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

I hope you respect her request for No contact. For your sake. Sometimes we are too embedded in the drama and madness. Read this forum, get in real life help (therapist, alanon), post here... knowledge is power IMHO...

I broke up with an ex alcoholic who let me down and let me down, hurt me, then hurt me some more. There was no "bottom". 2 years later there isn't. Like Cyranoak says... toxic people will act in toxic, NOT LOVING, ways. Its what they do. Its what they are. It cannot be any other way. No amount of love will change a pathology, a disease, an addiction, or a mixture of them.

2 years later I learned it was my own abandonment issues that made an alcoholic seemed so damn attractive. I was used to empty words and promises and walking on eggshells and my dad deciding everything, throwing some morsels of love here, some morsels of attention there, some morsels of guilt-ridden gifts at a different time. It was not about the particular XABF, it was me all this time. This hurt but it also frees me to take better care of me, knowing my tendencies I am able to change them, or at least to recognize them when I am stuck again in the same old abandonment hurt...

Anyway I feel much better now and it was after I got out of my bubble and started talking to professionals and other people that were parents or ex's of alcoholics, so please start getting your support team, people who get it and can help you feel better. I spent months alone suffering a lot, the only thing I regret is not talking about this sooner. AA also helped me to get "the other side". Recovered AA and Alanoners are a joy to be with and have offered me much wisdom and insight, and above all, HOPE for myself and my own future regardless of what anyone else does, thinks, says...

seekingcalm

Please remember that trying to make sense of the behavior of someone who is clearly not well, will make you sick too.

Trying to understand my abf, trying to "help" him, nearly cost me my sanity.

Someone up there is looking out for you...step away as your gf has requested. Take time to focus on you, and what you want and what you need, and what you have been through.

Stick around, this is a fabulous place to be. Keep reading and posting.

lockedout

Thank you everyone! The support is really helpful.

I am not contacting her and won't contact her. Will focus on myself and try to learn more about why I jumped in with her so quickly. Perhaps I was a bit naive....

I do wish her well.