Tears, tears and more tears
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Tears, tears and more tears
I have been plugging along pretty well.
Left to my own devices, I am pretty happy.
I have thought I could call my STBXAH periodically, since he called me a few weeks ago, but every time I consider it (probably when I am HALT, LOL!) I think...
I don't want to call before work becuase we'll get into a fight and I'll be jacked up all day.
I don't want to call when I don't have a lot of time or I'll miss whatever I am going to do (after work).
I don't want to call too late because I'll just leavea another message.
So, I just don't call.
Probably best. NC and all of that. But I still want to hear his voice.
I think I am avoiding. I can live in magical thinking land and not DEAL with the dissolution of the marriage if I just avoid him.
Well, I got a package in the mail from him yesterday.
He went ahead and began the process of divorce.
I.can't.bear.to.open.the.package.
Tears, tears, and more tears.
I think I thought if I avoid the paperwork, I won't have to have a ruined marriage. DENIAL!
I remember when my husband got his test results back from the doctor and was told to go immediately to the emergency room because he had Type 1 diabetes.
I met him outside and he said, "I can't bear to go in and walk through the door because my life is going to change."
I told him it already had, but I totally understood.
Well, that's me. I don't WANT to open that package.
I don't want all this reality.
Can't I just close my eyes, hide my head, avoid and it won't be??!?
I'm so good at that.
My mom had my dad move out and they didn't divorce for decades! Both my parents were in denial!
I have such strong modeling! :/
I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.
I feel trapped. Like all my exits are blocked. I don't like any of my choices!
AHHRRRGGG!
Strength, hope, experience, comfort and encouragement, please.
Left to my own devices, I am pretty happy.
I have thought I could call my STBXAH periodically, since he called me a few weeks ago, but every time I consider it (probably when I am HALT, LOL!) I think...
I don't want to call before work becuase we'll get into a fight and I'll be jacked up all day.
I don't want to call when I don't have a lot of time or I'll miss whatever I am going to do (after work).
I don't want to call too late because I'll just leavea another message.
So, I just don't call.
Probably best. NC and all of that. But I still want to hear his voice.
I think I am avoiding. I can live in magical thinking land and not DEAL with the dissolution of the marriage if I just avoid him.
Well, I got a package in the mail from him yesterday.
He went ahead and began the process of divorce.
I.can't.bear.to.open.the.package.
Tears, tears, and more tears.
I think I thought if I avoid the paperwork, I won't have to have a ruined marriage. DENIAL!
I remember when my husband got his test results back from the doctor and was told to go immediately to the emergency room because he had Type 1 diabetes.
I met him outside and he said, "I can't bear to go in and walk through the door because my life is going to change."
I told him it already had, but I totally understood.
Well, that's me. I don't WANT to open that package.
I don't want all this reality.
Can't I just close my eyes, hide my head, avoid and it won't be??!?
I'm so good at that.
My mom had my dad move out and they didn't divorce for decades! Both my parents were in denial!
I have such strong modeling! :/
I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.
I feel trapped. Like all my exits are blocked. I don't like any of my choices!
AHHRRRGGG!
Strength, hope, experience, comfort and encouragement, please.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Take a deep breath. You're giving that envelope way to much power over you. It's just paper. It's a step in the process.
How about getting the focus back on you? How about looking at how peaceful and calm your life has been without contact with him? Being apart hasn't been a bad thing, has it?
What you're dealing with is grief. The death of the marriage, or the dream of what you hoped your marriage could be. I don't want to sound cold, but you need to turn yourself around and head back to reality.
I know... because I'm right there in this with you. I signed the papers, but then couldn't file them. Filed them, but couldn't bear to serve AH. All that fear will eat me alive if I don't stay in reality. My reality? My marriage is not a good one. It's not healthy for me. The way we interact is so damaging to my mental health.
I want better for me, because I'm worth it. So as hard as this process is, and it's HARD... I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days I take big steps, other days they are teeny-tiny baby steps... but I keep moving forward.
Hang in there FP!
How about getting the focus back on you? How about looking at how peaceful and calm your life has been without contact with him? Being apart hasn't been a bad thing, has it?
What you're dealing with is grief. The death of the marriage, or the dream of what you hoped your marriage could be. I don't want to sound cold, but you need to turn yourself around and head back to reality.
I know... because I'm right there in this with you. I signed the papers, but then couldn't file them. Filed them, but couldn't bear to serve AH. All that fear will eat me alive if I don't stay in reality. My reality? My marriage is not a good one. It's not healthy for me. The way we interact is so damaging to my mental health.
I want better for me, because I'm worth it. So as hard as this process is, and it's HARD... I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days I take big steps, other days they are teeny-tiny baby steps... but I keep moving forward.
Hang in there FP!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
how about see it as the envelope holding the keys to freedom? when what we are doing no longer works for us, to our advantage, the next indicated step in the process is to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
different is different.
different is scary.
but different is how we break the cycle of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
different is different.
different is scary.
but different is how we break the cycle of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Different is scary - some days I feel like my chest is closing up and I can't breathe. Other days I feel strangely exhilarated and weightless. But one thing I do understand is the power to change lies within me, and change has already brought me wonderful blessings in life, so its not so scary anymore.
A failed marriage does not mean you failed as a person. Yes, you didn't want this life...I think all of us on SR feel that way. But here it is. What kind of awesome lemonade can you make out of a package full of lemons?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Different is scary, but can be awesome.
I struggled with the idea of divorce for a LONG time. People like me didn't get divorced.
And ultimately, it has been the most freeing thing EVER.
I finally have my serenity.
Perfect example:
This morning, I decided to do some cleaning. Decluttering.
We've been divorced for 6 months, and separated nearly 2 years. Dude still hasn't arranged to get his crap out of the garage, but whatever. So be it. It's not worth me agonizing over. Next month I'll withhold some alimony, and once I've taken out enough to cover shipping, away it goes.
Anyway, I ran across the bits of ribbons and pearls I'd saved from our wedding cake and the balloon he gave me on our first date. (They were in the same little box.) And some other little trinkets from the "good days."
Without hesitation, without grief, really without emotion, I was able to think, "gosh, it was good for a little while, but I'm so glad that's over."
And into the trash they went.
This was a huge step for me, or so I thought it would be. It wasn't. There's no pain there anymore.
Of course, then I pulled some old sheets out of the linen closet to donate to charity and BAM, there's a freaking beer can behind them.
He's been gone nearly 2 years, and I'm STILL finding hidden beer cans. But it didn't make me angry, it didn't even phase me. It is just sort of funny at this point (OMG, the beer cans used to be a HUGE thing for me.) And it didn't rattle me.
So anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a process, and it took me a LOT longer than I thought it would. Or should. Because there isn't really a timeline. And agreed - don't let that packet of paper be more powerful than you are. And yes, that IS the key to a new life. A new you. And even though the thought is terrifying now, you will go open that packet, cry some more, grieve, and take the next step in getting your life back.
Hang in there.
And we're always here, with open arms and shoulders to cry on.
D
I struggled with the idea of divorce for a LONG time. People like me didn't get divorced.
And ultimately, it has been the most freeing thing EVER.
I finally have my serenity.
Perfect example:
This morning, I decided to do some cleaning. Decluttering.
We've been divorced for 6 months, and separated nearly 2 years. Dude still hasn't arranged to get his crap out of the garage, but whatever. So be it. It's not worth me agonizing over. Next month I'll withhold some alimony, and once I've taken out enough to cover shipping, away it goes.
Anyway, I ran across the bits of ribbons and pearls I'd saved from our wedding cake and the balloon he gave me on our first date. (They were in the same little box.) And some other little trinkets from the "good days."
Without hesitation, without grief, really without emotion, I was able to think, "gosh, it was good for a little while, but I'm so glad that's over."
And into the trash they went.
This was a huge step for me, or so I thought it would be. It wasn't. There's no pain there anymore.
Of course, then I pulled some old sheets out of the linen closet to donate to charity and BAM, there's a freaking beer can behind them.
He's been gone nearly 2 years, and I'm STILL finding hidden beer cans. But it didn't make me angry, it didn't even phase me. It is just sort of funny at this point (OMG, the beer cans used to be a HUGE thing for me.) And it didn't rattle me.
So anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a process, and it took me a LOT longer than I thought it would. Or should. Because there isn't really a timeline. And agreed - don't let that packet of paper be more powerful than you are. And yes, that IS the key to a new life. A new you. And even though the thought is terrifying now, you will go open that packet, cry some more, grieve, and take the next step in getting your life back.
Hang in there.
And we're always here, with open arms and shoulders to cry on.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
finding,
oh, my arms could just go around you.
there are about a hundred reasons why you are a bucket of tears. feel your feelings, sit with your grief, and then begin the process of healing.
it's heart-wrenching, but necessary. know that you are courageous.
-christine
oh, my arms could just go around you.
there are about a hundred reasons why you are a bucket of tears. feel your feelings, sit with your grief, and then begin the process of healing.
it's heart-wrenching, but necessary. know that you are courageous.
-christine
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
I have found that I am very sensitive to facing things often.
If I don't want to open the email yet, I won't, even for days.
If I don't want to return that phone call, I won't, even for days.
I need time sometimes to mentally digest before I eat, if that makes any sense.
Some inner-preparation.
So there's no emergency. Let it sit there for a few days if you want to. A few days won't change a thing. Heck, a week won't. It's no emergency that you open that right now.
Let yourself prepare first.
Hugs...I have been where you are!
If I don't want to open the email yet, I won't, even for days.
If I don't want to return that phone call, I won't, even for days.
I need time sometimes to mentally digest before I eat, if that makes any sense.
Some inner-preparation.
So there's no emergency. Let it sit there for a few days if you want to. A few days won't change a thing. Heck, a week won't. It's no emergency that you open that right now.
Let yourself prepare first.
Hugs...I have been where you are!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
aww, geez. Thanks.
It's yet unopened. Maybe tomorrow.
I have been telling myself - it just wasn't working. Who cares whose fault. Who cares about any of it. It wasn't working. Let it go now.
I feel this is the way of the peaceful warrior. My mom is a peace maker. Lucky for her the A she married was a gentle soul! She is ALL about peace.
Well, Ghandi and MLK were all about peace, too...AND boundaries!
I can not TELL you how it's ALL about boundaries!
You know how when you decide to buy a certain car, you see them all over the road?
I see boundaries and the lack of them all over.
Today I was thinking about the boundaries of MLK and Ghandi.
Frickin powerful boundaries, in peace.
Good stuff.
I'm still GRIEVING.
I have yet to break open the package, but I do feel a wee bit better with your virtual hugs.
Thanks.
It's yet unopened. Maybe tomorrow.
I have been telling myself - it just wasn't working. Who cares whose fault. Who cares about any of it. It wasn't working. Let it go now.
I feel this is the way of the peaceful warrior. My mom is a peace maker. Lucky for her the A she married was a gentle soul! She is ALL about peace.
Well, Ghandi and MLK were all about peace, too...AND boundaries!
I can not TELL you how it's ALL about boundaries!
You know how when you decide to buy a certain car, you see them all over the road?
I see boundaries and the lack of them all over.
Today I was thinking about the boundaries of MLK and Ghandi.
Frickin powerful boundaries, in peace.
Good stuff.
I'm still GRIEVING.
I have yet to break open the package, but I do feel a wee bit better with your virtual hugs.
Thanks.
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