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The Ignore List...

Old 04-18-2011, 05:59 PM
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The Ignore List...

Until I really started to effectively utilize the Ignore List, SR frequently overwhelmed me to the point where I would post something really insensitive and be "corrected" by the board, moderators, or both (and rightfully so). I highly recommend it to others here to use on people who just drive you crazy (and I may be one of them).

Normally I use it to block women who are being abused. God bless them, but I'm not equipped in any way to help them in any way-- I can only hurt. The fact they frequently are unaware of the abuse or think it's "normal," are often protecting the abuser, and frequently seem so helpless triggers me in a 1,000 ways (mom raised me alone, five sisters, daughter, etc.). I just have to avoid them. It's me, not them. Others here are very helpful in supporting them as they figure it out (or not).

I also use it to block people who are proving to be as clueless as I was for as long as I was. It's bad enough I actually lived through it because I was so mind-bogglingly co-dependent and controlling, but to see somebody else enduring YEARS of ******** from an alcoholic, then inviting it back into their lives (and that of their children) after some major alcoholic event can be too much for me to bear.

I feel guilty enough for what my daughter had to endure because of my wife and I's behavior-- watching others **** up their children just as bad is unbearable for me. Especially when they say it's because they don't want their children to lose their mother/father-- WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! They're already lost! Better no parent than an alcoholic parent. No parent at all cannot do nearly the damage an alcoholic parent does. It's impossible IMHO.

I also use it to block people who come here with all the answers, then argue with everybody who does not affirm what they came here already believing, or the ones who come here with conspiracy theories or to tell us why 12-Step programs don't work. One of you always asks them, "if you have all the answers why did you come here to post?" I love that.

Bottom line, even if you use it on me I'd encourage each and every one of you to consider the Ignore Functionality as a tool which can improve your SR experience. Just click on the name you want to block and choose "ignore."

If I've learned anything at all in Alanon it's that I don't need to be involved in every single conversation. In fact, the fewer the better for me. I'm sure many of you agree (not fishing here, no response necessary)!

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest,

Cyranoak
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:04 PM
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Thank you for that. I use the function on my other message board and it really does keep me in my happy place.

Over the years I've developed the ability to scan a post and move on if I can't or don't want to get involved. It is a very nice reminder though. Thank you.

Unless...I'm on your ignore list and you won't read this. LOL
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:05 PM
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Well, I'm going to respond because I agree with you 100%. There are people here who trigger me and I have put them on ignore. I'm sure they are perfectly lovely people, but the problem lies with me, not them. Thanks for posting this, cyrano.

(Now don't think I'm putting the moves on you and put me on ignore.)
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:19 PM
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Is there anyone left? JK
I appreciate your honesty and your comments have helped me many times. It sounds like you have very clear boundaries and know how to take of yourself. My boundaries are still a little blurry so it helps to hear others' experiences.
Thanks for the advice.
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:20 PM
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I thought you were talking about an ignore list in life like a bucket list kind of thing and was eagerly anticipating reading the "clue" to how to create an ignore list to ignore all the people and behaviors I don't want to deal with.... Then I realized, ummmm the way to ignore those people/behaviors is to, well, ignore them!

So, your post actually helped me quite a lot in a very different way than you might have intended!

I also like what you had to say and there's a lot in what you say that I should apply to myself...
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:20 PM
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Thanks, I never used it before. I might. might not.
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:31 PM
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I've been here a lot of years and read a lot of threads. Two things help me stick to my recovery...

I ask myself if I can be helpful or supportive in any way, if only to give a hug and say "I understand". If I find myself wanting to argue or control or say anything hurtful...I sit on my hands.

I look within to see if I have any experience, strength or hope to share. When I do, it may help as long as I remember that my way isn't the only way (who knew?) and I remember how long it took me to "get it".

The ignore button has saved my bacon, and my recovery many times, although it is probably years since I used it.

The rest of the time it's good to remember that we come here from all areas of the world, through many different circumstances and in different stages of recovery. Learning to embrace our diversity instead of struggling with our differences can help us all walk together supportively on this journey of recovery.

Hugs
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:42 PM
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I'm like Latte, I glance at the title or scan the post and generally avoid by topic, not so much posters. My experience is limited so I try to stick to a realm I can relate to...

There was one post in particular that triggered me; It was about a kid who was clearly abused by the ABF and mom still hesitated about what to do. UGH. Pushed ALL my buttons so I realized I need to just skim the surface and block out the situations which show family dysfunction to the extreme.

I'll stick to.. 'my bf forgot to call me' types of posts. Those I can handle.
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:49 PM
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This is good to know. I am finding this forum very helpful lately as I struggle through a lot of issues, but I started dreading coming on here in the past few days because there were some posts that really bothered me. I am glad this feature is available.

I really like your posts by the way, you have a lot of insight and to be honest, it's nice for me to hear from some men struggling with AWs because it reminds me alcoholism is not a male disease and that it affects all kinds of people.
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:51 PM
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I'm with Ann... when a thread or person's posting hits a nerve, I try and sit with it because a lot of times (not all!) it's something within ME, not the poster that needs some work.

I used to be easily offended, but as I've worked my program I have found piles and piles of compassion - for everyone, even those hell bent on rocking my boat (AH and MIL!). I have even more compassion for those who are early on in their recovery, or maybe not even in it yet... still struggling to realize that they are here on this forum... because THEY need help.

I have compassion for them because I remember how raw I was when I first stumbled into Al-anon. I was battered, broken, and mad as heck. I was confused, lost, and desperate for a cure, for him. I know that feeling all too well... and even more so... I remember just wanting to know someone cared about me. Fortunately for me, I kept going back - meeting after meeting - not because it "clicked" but because I was all out of other ideas... and because they kept tolding to do so!

I don't like to ignore things on here... there's something in almost every share for me. An opportunity to see another perspective, to learn something new. Lots of wonderful people... in all forms of recovery!
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:16 PM
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Nobody's on my ignore list.
There isn't a single person here that doesn't have something to offer, some insight to share.
I like your posts, cyranoak, but I don't like this thread.
When I don't like something, I pass it by if a thread, or skim it over lightly if a post, if I don't respect the poster as much as some others.
The only way somebody is going on my ignore list is if they personally attack me. It has to be extreme, not mildly irritating.
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:50 PM
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I have had and only have now 1 person on my 'ignore' list and they have been on it for a long time. I made the mistake of taking them off, and dang had to put them back on it, lol

No Anvil it's not you, roflmao

But I have to agree with Cyranoak, it can be an extremely useful tool.

The ones I find that trigger me the most are those that post misinformation.

But I have learned to be very careful how I word my responses, especially when my first reaction is to rip someone a 'new one.' lol

Yes, folks I am learning a wee bit of tact, lmao

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:57 PM
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I agree with Brokenheartedfool. I can't and don't let this seep into my head very much. I have enough of my own stuff to work on.

Ignoring would only take place if someone was openly insulting but even then, there is no rule saying everyone has to like you. Besides, there is only a snippet of the whole story in any post so it is a waste of energy to react to something that doesn't involve me.

I hesitated to say this but this topic kind of felt a bit divisive yet it is good to see how others perceive posts and posters. So it is interesting for sure. I would wear an 'Ignore' like a badge of honor.. to know I affected someone that much kind of makes me chuckle actually because I am so benign in real life.

Half the time I'm talking out of my a$$ anyway so I'd ignore myself if I could.
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:58 PM
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I think the "Ignore" list is a tool to personal recovery.
Certain people or situations can be triggers, very much against where we are right now in recovery.
Later on, we'll be ready to deal with it, perhaps, but that doesn't mean we have to be ready to deal with it now.
It's a forum, we have whatever tools we need to not get sucked in.

I, personally, don't use the "Ignore" button, but I absolutely understand why some people would.
My method of dealing with things is to type up my reply if I feel a need to reply to a thread, then think about what I wrote.

If I feel what I wrote might help someone else, I hit the "Post" button.
If I feel like my post was entirely about helping me feel better, I hit the "X" on my tab button, and the post goes away into the realm of unpublished internet rants, and I feel better.
Sometimes it is a good reminder to me to see where I came from, but that doesn't mean I have to get sucked back into it, and if I feel that's what's happening, I'll remove myself from the situation in the way that works best for me.

Someday, I may use the "Ignore" button.
Today, just closing the browser tab is good enough.

Thanks for this thread, Cyranoak. It's a good reminder.
Yet another way to "Take what you like, and leave the rest."
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Old 04-18-2011, 08:46 PM
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I didn't even know we had an ignore button. I'd like to know where it is. I try to get as much out of coming here as possible, but the truth is some people's situations are too much of a codie trigger for me. But I try to remember that I was pretty slow at fixing my own situation when I got here, (granted mine was not as serious as some here are), maybe that's why it bother's me so much, watching some people take longer than others, usually under worse circumstances.

Abuse ones really get me though, especially when kids are involved. I'm an ACOA, and it really gets me riled up when parents insist their children are better off with the A around. Then again, maybe they are, that's not my business, that's God's. He's got a plan for all of us.

Love the different opinions though. Teaches me to Let Go and Let God. Alot.
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Old 04-18-2011, 09:39 PM
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Damn... I can't ignore myself?!?!?!
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Old 04-18-2011, 10:32 PM
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In my head I do...

...and at work too, and with my friends. Thanks to years in Alanon for that, and SR too.

At home it gets harder. I'm clear with daughter because I now believe I will be hurting her more than I already have in the past without boundaries that are enforced, and because I want to be a good dad going forward I enforce those boundaries no matter how hard it is for me. I hope she'll understand when she's older why I suddenly became a hard-ass about certain things.

Wife hasn't pushed my boundaries in over 8 months. When she was drinking all the time it was easy to enforce them and she pushed on them frequently, but I do have a fear that it won't be as easy if she relapses. If that happens, we'll find out if I've got the stones to do it. I ******* hate that I'm so scared about that still.

Using the ignore button is simply another kind of boundary setter for me. While seeming harsh or "divisive" to some here, it isn't about the people I'm ignoring at all the majority of the time. It's about me having boundaries for myself and knowing my triggers. The ignore button helps me enforce them.

Only twice have I "ignored" somebody simply because I thought they were bad people. And my ignore list is fairly long (although I'm pleased to say everybody who has responded to this thread isn't on it-- and that makes me feel really good for some reason).

Take care,

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by jamaicamecrazy View Post
Is there anyone left? JK
I appreciate your honesty and your comments have helped me many times. It sounds like you have very clear boundaries and know how to take of yourself. My boundaries are still a little blurry so it helps to hear others' experiences.
Thanks for the advice.
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Old 04-18-2011, 10:36 PM
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This made me laugh out loud...

I think that about myself too! Especially when I get into mind-****ing mode and can't get out of my head.



Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
...I'd ignore myself if I could.
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:49 AM
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I've wondered how many lists I'm on , too. LOL

the people I've ignored in the past
aren't here any more.

so in that respect,
I think it's a great tool.

Especially for learning about setting boundaries.

it's a nice quiet means of making our world more peaceful.

This written, of course,
wondering if you're going to see it

I'm just better - I'm not 'well'.
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:10 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Maybe you haven't had replies from those on your Ignore list because they have Ignored you.

I've never put anyone on ignore on a recovery forum, although I do connect more with some poster's stories than others, so tend to respond to those. I don't have the time nor the mental energy to engage with everyone. Besides, the beauty of a busy forum is that there are other people around who will identify and respond, as well as there being a wealth of information in the stickies and old posts. I do use a "hide thread" facility on another forum I use which is a happy medium that works for me and helps me avoid getting into unnecessary scrapes. I'm still too nosy, though, and like to know what is going on around the place, even if I don't partake in the discussion.

I think that the dynamics of forum use are immensely helpful in practicing recovery behaviors like detachment and boundary setting before taking them out into the real world. And vice versa.

Intersting thread. Thank you.
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