Arrghhhh!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 24
Arrghhhh!!!!!
After the absolute trauma of my AW overdose and attempted suicide on new years day.. she is officially back to square one 
We've (me and the children) started to find the hidden vodka bottles again. I can tell from the slurred voice that she's constantly drinking.. again.
She's sat right now in the other room.. semi drunk, recovering from a four day bender during which she fell and actually bit off a chunk of her tongue.
Oh the joys!!!!
We've (me and the children) started to find the hidden vodka bottles again. I can tell from the slurred voice that she's constantly drinking.. again.
She's sat right now in the other room.. semi drunk, recovering from a four day bender during which she fell and actually bit off a chunk of her tongue.
Oh the joys!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry vvl71w. I hated finding the empties again after XAH had stopped for a short while. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. Every time.
What are you doing for you and the kiddos? Alanon? Are the kids old enough for Alateen? I'm asking this rather sheepishly because it's been a while since I've been to an Alanon meeting, but I know I need to get back to one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
vvl,
sorry to hear of your situation. I have live it and I geta shudder as I think of it.
My wife needed to find bottom before starting any kind of recovery and that meant me and my girls moving out to another house (couldn't bring myself to tell her to go)
This has been great for all of us, her included.
I have been to the ER twice with overdoses.
Things can get better, but you might have to make your own changes. We can't wait for them to chaneg at the expense of ourselves and our children.
Just IMHO
sorry to hear of your situation. I have live it and I geta shudder as I think of it.
My wife needed to find bottom before starting any kind of recovery and that meant me and my girls moving out to another house (couldn't bring myself to tell her to go)
This has been great for all of us, her included.
I have been to the ER twice with overdoses.
Things can get better, but you might have to make your own changes. We can't wait for them to chaneg at the expense of ourselves and our children.
Just IMHO
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern Illinois
Posts: 174
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I agree that you can stop the madness. I do also know that is easier said than done though. My husband is an alcoholic and we have no children, but if we did, I would have left a long time ago I believe..but can't say for sure I guess. Anyway, you have come to the right place. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Thank you for posting this. You will never know exactly how much it helped me.
I too overdosed twice. I've been clean and sober 5 years on the 20th of this month. Thank you for reminding me of what could have been.
I too overdosed twice. I've been clean and sober 5 years on the 20th of this month. Thank you for reminding me of what could have been.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 24
Cant believe I'm back here.. but it's the only anon place I know.
So with the help of a counsellor and medication my wife hasn't been drinking now for a year
GREAT
Only thing is.. since she's not been drinking the other old ghost in the closet has come back.. bulimia !!
I threatened to tell the kids if she didnt stop..
Today she called to ruin yet another day at work to say she's started smoking (she quit smoking about 8 years ago).
What do I do?? It's been one thing after another for the past decade. I really REALLY cant go on like this but see no escape from her madness.
When I tell her I'm frustrated with the situation, she puts her hands in the air, smiles and says 'You know me.. not happy unless I'm doing something'.
I even just considered jumping on a plane and disappearing.
So with the help of a counsellor and medication my wife hasn't been drinking now for a year
GREATOnly thing is.. since she's not been drinking the other old ghost in the closet has come back.. bulimia !!
I threatened to tell the kids if she didnt stop..
Today she called to ruin yet another day at work to say she's started smoking (she quit smoking about 8 years ago).
What do I do?? It's been one thing after another for the past decade. I really REALLY cant go on like this but see no escape from her madness.
When I tell her I'm frustrated with the situation, she puts her hands in the air, smiles and says 'You know me.. not happy unless I'm doing something'.
I even just considered jumping on a plane and disappearing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
vvl71w-
I am sorry for the situation you are in.
I am in recovery for an eating disorder. Studies are showing that as many as 30% of people with eating disorders also struggle with substance abuse. Unfortunately the substance abuse counselors are not usually trained in eating disorder stuff and eating disorder counselors in substance abuse. I have not seen any studies on how many peole with substance abuse struggle with eating disorders but I am sure it is a lot.
For me just like someone with substance abuse problems (I married an alcoholic) I have to have a regular recovery program in place to maintain sanity from my eating disorder. Is she addressing her food concerns at all (and what she says to me is not addressing them).
There are some books out there for loved ones of people with eating disorders. However as someone who knows the craziness of both sides of the predicament you are in I feel comfortable saying that it is okay if you are done. It is okay regardless of what she is doing right now. I personally think Al-Anon can help with learning tools for detachment (but that is my own bias).
I am so sorry.
I am sorry for the situation you are in.
I am in recovery for an eating disorder. Studies are showing that as many as 30% of people with eating disorders also struggle with substance abuse. Unfortunately the substance abuse counselors are not usually trained in eating disorder stuff and eating disorder counselors in substance abuse. I have not seen any studies on how many peole with substance abuse struggle with eating disorders but I am sure it is a lot.
For me just like someone with substance abuse problems (I married an alcoholic) I have to have a regular recovery program in place to maintain sanity from my eating disorder. Is she addressing her food concerns at all (and what she says to me is not addressing them).
There are some books out there for loved ones of people with eating disorders. However as someone who knows the craziness of both sides of the predicament you are in I feel comfortable saying that it is okay if you are done. It is okay regardless of what she is doing right now. I personally think Al-Anon can help with learning tools for detachment (but that is my own bias).
I am so sorry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 24
and here we are again !!!
After a whole year of total sobriety, my wife decided new years eve would be a good time to start over. Everyone else had their doubts (and fears) but she wouldnt listen. 'From that day forth she would be a normal person again. She would drink, moderately and only on special occasions.
The occasionally gradually turned into every friday. The moderately turned to drinking until unconsious. Still only fridays though.. and the odd saturday.
A couple of weeks ago she announced that she would be going away for easter week with a friend. The friend is aware of her past. The ten days away lasted a whole 48 hours before I recieved a text from the friend that she would not be used as an excuss to get away and get hammered. She proptly left my wife, who I collected the same day.
Words were spoken. It was a missunderstanding, blown out of proportions, she was on holiday, she can control it. Three days into her return and she announces that... Whilst she is with me she will never feel normal. It's all my fault. I make everything she does seem wrong. The smoking, the drinking, the eating disorder. She believes she can handle the alcohol but not my mistrust of her use of it. She wants a seperation.
Well.. at the moment I'm speechless.
After a whole year of total sobriety, my wife decided new years eve would be a good time to start over. Everyone else had their doubts (and fears) but she wouldnt listen. 'From that day forth she would be a normal person again. She would drink, moderately and only on special occasions.
The occasionally gradually turned into every friday. The moderately turned to drinking until unconsious. Still only fridays though.. and the odd saturday.
A couple of weeks ago she announced that she would be going away for easter week with a friend. The friend is aware of her past. The ten days away lasted a whole 48 hours before I recieved a text from the friend that she would not be used as an excuss to get away and get hammered. She proptly left my wife, who I collected the same day.
Words were spoken. It was a missunderstanding, blown out of proportions, she was on holiday, she can control it. Three days into her return and she announces that... Whilst she is with me she will never feel normal. It's all my fault. I make everything she does seem wrong. The smoking, the drinking, the eating disorder. She believes she can handle the alcohol but not my mistrust of her use of it. She wants a seperation.
Well.. at the moment I'm speechless.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello VVL....
As people have asked you over the past 2 years, "What about you?"
How are you? How are you doing? Have you found a face-to-face system of support? How is your work, your hobbies? How are your children? Have you been able to get counseling and support for them?
I am so very, very sorry to hear about all you have been through. Only you know when when you have had enough and it's time for something to change.
As people have asked you over the past 2 years, "What about you?"
How are you? How are you doing? Have you found a face-to-face system of support? How is your work, your hobbies? How are your children? Have you been able to get counseling and support for them?
I am so very, very sorry to hear about all you have been through. Only you know when when you have had enough and it's time for something to change.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Concord, CA
Posts: 9
hello vvl71w
l am a addict and a alcoholic and I have seen this situation many times from both sides... She has not hit rock bottom yet! We will always take the easy way out. We are good liars and will do anything to get that bottle or drug. We will use your love for us against you because our true love is the bottle...and most of all we can only help ourselves. She has to hit rock bottom to want to change. You have to want to do anything to stay sober.
You have to be strong and walk away and help yourself. By helping yourself you will in turn be helping both of you. There has to be a change or the loop will keep on going. Tell her she has a choice. Either go into a program and stay in one or you will be gone. her reply prob wont be what you want to hear but she can only learn on her own. You cant change her and you cant trust her. I can only emagine the pain you feel to watch her this way but you cant keep living like this either. You have to be there for your children too, even if they are out of the house. This is affecting them too. Do whats right for you and the kids and pray that she does whats right for her. I hope this helps you and ill pray for all of you!
l am a addict and a alcoholic and I have seen this situation many times from both sides... She has not hit rock bottom yet! We will always take the easy way out. We are good liars and will do anything to get that bottle or drug. We will use your love for us against you because our true love is the bottle...and most of all we can only help ourselves. She has to hit rock bottom to want to change. You have to want to do anything to stay sober.
You have to be strong and walk away and help yourself. By helping yourself you will in turn be helping both of you. There has to be a change or the loop will keep on going. Tell her she has a choice. Either go into a program and stay in one or you will be gone. her reply prob wont be what you want to hear but she can only learn on her own. You cant change her and you cant trust her. I can only emagine the pain you feel to watch her this way but you cant keep living like this either. You have to be there for your children too, even if they are out of the house. This is affecting them too. Do whats right for you and the kids and pray that she does whats right for her. I hope this helps you and ill pray for all of you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
vvl171w,
Alcoholism. It is progressive left untreated. It is a family disease that gets "caught" by the loved ones who of course, suffer worse than the addict (in my opinion) because we can't escape the horrors with chemicals.
She is an addict. You are obviously deeply enmeshed and addicted to her and her illness. You are shocked and speechless although she has repeatedly shown you who she is ... why won't you believe her and take appropriate steps to establish boundaries to start your own healing and recovery?
Sorry to be so blunt... but I have walked in your steps... I have been there! You are caught in a revolving door and nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't change her nor the future. She wants to drink and do her thing. She told you so. Believe her.
By hovering, helicoptering, hoping an dreaming you feed the disease and harm yourself. Set yourself free one step, one day at a time.
My life changed when I started listening to the posters on this board and not my fantasies about my XA. I started getting better when I began going to alanon and did the steps. My XA started getting better when I did these things and even had months and months of recovery peppered with relapses ....
BUT... my boundaries were kept and they determined my future, my life and the XA became the permanent XA!
Now that more time has been revealed... I KNOW that I made the right choices. He was playing me like a violin and he loves his mistress alcohol more tham me. He makes love to the bottle every night and he will die an alcoholic ... probably before he is 45.
HIs choice. She has made her choice.
What do YOU choose? Life is nothing but a series of choices and the ball is firmly in your court...
good luck. Keep coming back. There is no judging here... you will make your choices based on your pain level and willingness to see the truth unvarnished ... hurts a lot I know.....but it sets you free.
We all care.
Alcoholism. It is progressive left untreated. It is a family disease that gets "caught" by the loved ones who of course, suffer worse than the addict (in my opinion) because we can't escape the horrors with chemicals.
She is an addict. You are obviously deeply enmeshed and addicted to her and her illness. You are shocked and speechless although she has repeatedly shown you who she is ... why won't you believe her and take appropriate steps to establish boundaries to start your own healing and recovery?
Sorry to be so blunt... but I have walked in your steps... I have been there! You are caught in a revolving door and nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't change her nor the future. She wants to drink and do her thing. She told you so. Believe her.
By hovering, helicoptering, hoping an dreaming you feed the disease and harm yourself. Set yourself free one step, one day at a time.
My life changed when I started listening to the posters on this board and not my fantasies about my XA. I started getting better when I began going to alanon and did the steps. My XA started getting better when I did these things and even had months and months of recovery peppered with relapses ....
BUT... my boundaries were kept and they determined my future, my life and the XA became the permanent XA!
Now that more time has been revealed... I KNOW that I made the right choices. He was playing me like a violin and he loves his mistress alcohol more tham me. He makes love to the bottle every night and he will die an alcoholic ... probably before he is 45.
HIs choice. She has made her choice.
What do YOU choose? Life is nothing but a series of choices and the ball is firmly in your court...
good luck. Keep coming back. There is no judging here... you will make your choices based on your pain level and willingness to see the truth unvarnished ... hurts a lot I know.....but it sets you free.
We all care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
It's all my fault. I make everything she does seem wrong. The smoking, the drinking, the eating disorder. She believes she can handle the alcohol but not my mistrust of her use of it. She wants a seperation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Santa.
She wants a separation? Wow, what a gift. I would take that and RUN with it.
Look, you don't have to decide your entire future this minute, but it seems like a breather might give you room to get some peace in your life from the constant worries. Your kids are grown (and the 18 y/o is old enough to decide whether he/she prefers to stay with you or with mom).
Your staying with her is not going to keep a lid on her behaviors--it hasn't so far, has it? She still thinks she can handle it all. She's got a ways to go before she is ready to really deal with her addictions. Maybe if you are out of the way, no longer propping her up, she will spiral down faster and get to the point where she IS ready. She will spiral down one way or another--but it can be slower and excruciating for you if you have to watch it.
I'd take her up on her offer, if I were you.
She wants a separation? Wow, what a gift. I would take that and RUN with it.
Look, you don't have to decide your entire future this minute, but it seems like a breather might give you room to get some peace in your life from the constant worries. Your kids are grown (and the 18 y/o is old enough to decide whether he/she prefers to stay with you or with mom).
Your staying with her is not going to keep a lid on her behaviors--it hasn't so far, has it? She still thinks she can handle it all. She's got a ways to go before she is ready to really deal with her addictions. Maybe if you are out of the way, no longer propping her up, she will spiral down faster and get to the point where she IS ready. She will spiral down one way or another--but it can be slower and excruciating for you if you have to watch it.
I'd take her up on her offer, if I were you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Blame shifting.
My favorite attribute of the alcoholic.
So my question is how much longer are you going to continue to be a door mat? The Alcoholic is queen of the castle - she rules everything and ruins everything for everyone.
How well educated are you about her disease? The "I want a separation/Divorce card" is usually pulled when things are getting heated and the A is getting nervous. This isn't personal - you think it is but its not. This is about protecting the alcohol. Its ONLY about protecting the alcohol. You are her codie and enabler. She can't lose you. Shocked that she said it tells me you haven't been working a program yourself.
I see that the past ten years have been one thing after another. Have you asked yourself why you are still there? What are you getting out of this? Do you think that your job is to manage her problems (which you can't)?
Aren't you tired of arguing with the insane/illogical ramblings of an addict?
My favorite attribute of the alcoholic.
So my question is how much longer are you going to continue to be a door mat? The Alcoholic is queen of the castle - she rules everything and ruins everything for everyone.
How well educated are you about her disease? The "I want a separation/Divorce card" is usually pulled when things are getting heated and the A is getting nervous. This isn't personal - you think it is but its not. This is about protecting the alcohol. Its ONLY about protecting the alcohol. You are her codie and enabler. She can't lose you. Shocked that she said it tells me you haven't been working a program yourself.
I see that the past ten years have been one thing after another. Have you asked yourself why you are still there? What are you getting out of this? Do you think that your job is to manage her problems (which you can't)?
Aren't you tired of arguing with the insane/illogical ramblings of an addict?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Why did she need to ring you at work and ruin your day to tell you that she started smoking?
Why could she not have waited until you got home?
And why do you need to know? Its her life, her health, her lungs, why does she need to tell you with such urgency?
She must be very, very thoughtless and selfish or have no insight about her behaviour.
How did you react when she said this?
It seems to me that she likes the drama and the attention it brings.
It must be bad for your kids to want you to leave.
Could you go and stay with your kids, have a break and a breather.
You have said in your posts that she blames you for her drinking.
Have you ever though that if you leave her, take yourself out of the equation, then according to her logic (which is incorrect by the way) she should have no reason to drink as you are not there.
I just want you to know that I think her behaviour is not right. She needs to take a huge look at herself and realise that the world does not revolve around her and whatever she cannot cope with.
There are people in this world who have horrendous lives and they don't resort to drinking/smoking or puking. And then to blame it on you because she's 'bored' is just disgusting and cruel.
I want you to start looking out for yourself from now on. Please.
My absolute best to you.
Why could she not have waited until you got home?
And why do you need to know? Its her life, her health, her lungs, why does she need to tell you with such urgency?
She must be very, very thoughtless and selfish or have no insight about her behaviour.
How did you react when she said this?
It seems to me that she likes the drama and the attention it brings.
It must be bad for your kids to want you to leave.
Could you go and stay with your kids, have a break and a breather.
You have said in your posts that she blames you for her drinking.
Have you ever though that if you leave her, take yourself out of the equation, then according to her logic (which is incorrect by the way) she should have no reason to drink as you are not there.
I just want you to know that I think her behaviour is not right. She needs to take a huge look at herself and realise that the world does not revolve around her and whatever she cannot cope with.
There are people in this world who have horrendous lives and they don't resort to drinking/smoking or puking. And then to blame it on you because she's 'bored' is just disgusting and cruel.
I want you to start looking out for yourself from now on. Please.
My absolute best to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
My RAW lost her job, blaming her lack of performance on stress from our "marital problems." Naturally, these stem primarily from her alcoholic behavior, but she hesitates to connect those dots. She also sometimes blames our problems on "my depression," which I am quick to point out, also stems from our lives becoming unmanageable due to her use of alcohol. It is amazing the degree to which otherwise intelligent people can find a way to rationalize their behavior, blaming it on others (who are themselves merely responding to the A's behavior).
In your shoes, it would be hard for me to resist taking her up on her offer of a separation. It might be painful if she subsequently self-destructs, but it sounds like you have minimal influence over the path she will choose - she may well self-destruct with you or without you.
In your shoes, it would be hard for me to resist taking her up on her offer of a separation. It might be painful if she subsequently self-destructs, but it sounds like you have minimal influence over the path she will choose - she may well self-destruct with you or without you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
