AnvilheadII

if you mean how do YOU handle your wife getting drunk and sleeping with other men......not sure you really CAN or SHOULD. as a woman myself, i doubt that EVERY time she has been intimate with another man it is because THEY took advantage of her. from what you have shared in this thread over the past FOUR years, she is a bit too much a of a conniving schemer to have such bad luck as to be taken advantage of over and over.

YOU are the one who continues to let themselves be taken advantage of. is she still out of the house? back in April she had moved out.....

CodeJob

Here's a link to one of Hammer's threads. Your wife appears to always have something going on and that is a sign of trying to quell a mental illness with whatever is at hand (alcohol/cutting/eating disorder/sex).

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html

vvl71w

Sorry.. I was missunderstood, or wasnt clear enough. I dont believe for a second that my wife has been unfaithful, but she has got herself so drunk sometimes that men have made advances to her and she was too drunk to notice. Even men touching her inapropriately.

Anyway.. we are currently on a trial separation (her decision). I know you must think I'm crazy, but I still firmly believe that marriage is for life and would have worked to my last breath to save it. But I recieved the ultimatum that I was boring, life was for having fun and she couldnt have that whilst with me. She was drunk at the time after just one week into the latest attempt at sobriety, she then promptly vomited, sealing my agreement on the trial separation.

emzyp

I'm also of the opinion that marriage is gfor life and you should do anything in your power to keep hold of it. You have done that, you've been doing what you can consistently for years. I'm in a similar situation, with two small boys. I'm starting to realise though, that to make a marriage work, both of you need to be working on it. I hope the separation helps you see your own worth.

firebolt

Haha - I also am "boring, need to loosen up, am too serious, and can't have any fun." Crappy thing is, he's right....and I was never that way before ABF. I got some work to do there!

My relationship has sucked the life right out of me -a relationship with an alcoholic is no life. They are half there - either drinking or pissed off wanting to be drinking. Someone here has mentioned the 3 A's with regards to marriage for life - It is doable unless one of them are present (and many times if one is, all are.) Abuse, Addiction, Affairs.

Sending you strength and clarity - and lots and lots of self love. (((HUGS)))

AnvilheadII

marriages only work if there are TWO committed parties. one person cannot HAVE or SAVE a marriage....it isn't a separate entity like a horse stuck in a pool.....it only exists BETWEEN two people who continue to love and respect their partner.

vvl71w

Well.. it's a couple of months down the line. Still feel no better. I'm still in our home and my wife (ex) is still with her parents. She seems to be keeping her self together and only drinking when she isnt working (which is a good sign I suppose).

The difficulty is accepting that someone I dedicated so many years & effort into has left me. Her reason is still that she couldnt handle the misstrust and me watching her. Only one of our grown up children speaks to her. I went through hell for that woman and she's left me a shell of the happy, fun person I was. I feel utterly humiliated & alone.

My only advice for anyone in the same situation is the advice I got years ago and ignored.. get out.. get out now, because their addiction WILL destroy you one way or another.

(Sorry just feel extra down tonight)

Liveitwell

Sorry, OP-you are correct though...the one truth about alcoholism is it gets worse. I often wonder if that was the only truth in my marriage. Sorry for your pain.

Mango blast

It seems like you're finding that it doesn't work to change her. Are you open to changing yourself?

It took me a long time to be willing to go to Alanon. It was very hard to get through the door the first time. It took a long time after that until I was willing to commit to the program. I came to be willing, in my own time.

Now my thoughts and behaviors are changing, my outlook is changing and I can see and enjoy the good in life. Ironic how the very thing I avoided for so long is what has saved me and is helping me be a better parent. Now I'm looking forward to meetings, and to each day.

Take what helps and store the rest.

FeelingGreat

Hi vv, a little lecture for your own good; hope you will forgive.

Of course you are depressed, let down and feeling low but all your personality attributes are still there inside you, waiting to reappear. You will feel much better eventually I promise, better than you ever were with her. Try to avoid drama statements like you're a 'shell of yourself' or she's 'destroyed' you. That's not true; you've taken a normal size knock for someone newly single after a long marriage.

OK you have a huge gap in your life. What are you doing to fill it? Are you seeing a counsellor? Have you lined up some activities, spent more time with the grandchildren if you have them? Maybe you could buy a puppy or kitten. Yoga, hiking, charities. Spend this time working on making your life better. It will feel like hard work for a while but it pays off. Have you tried Al-anon?

Your AW is behaving exactly like an A does. You got in the way of the drink, you had to be removed. It sounds like she's not getting any better no matter what you heard.

redatlanta

The great thing is the past is the past. What about the years in the future? There are plenty of them.

It's ok to feel down and beat up and bad about your decisions we all make mistakes. I will ask you.... How much more of your life are you willing to hand over to her? Because everyday that you stay in anger and sadness over what you did is one more day you give to her of your life. There is a new chapter for us all as long as we walk this earth the possibility of excelling, success, and happiness begins when wake.

firebolt

You do not have to feel this way forever. You deserve so much more than you have gotten. You deserve a partner that you do not WANT to monitor like a child - because you trust them, because you respect them, and because you love them wholly.

I've been out of XABFs place for 6 weeks today - broken up for 10 weeks - mostly mentally checked out of the relationship for a year (detached, and not with love for the most part).

I feel like a new person. I am FUN again! After almost 5 years of being mostly miserable, suspicious, angry as hell, anxious, controlling, detached, sad and in near constant angst. I am finally fun, caring, smart, funny, outgoing, supportive and helpful. All these things are coming back to me in a short amount of time because I have let go of something that is not for me.

Your loyalty and dedication to "marriage for life" will be the death of you. How is your blood pressure? Sleeping well? Anxiety issues? How about addictions yourself? Any social life left in you? Spend time on your hobbies or with your friends and family?

Man - the things I neglected for myself make me so sad I lost almost 5 years of my life solely banking on someone else's potential to make me happy. It's your time - grab ahold of yourself again - take back what she unknowingly, and unintentionally took from you - take back what you GAVE to her. It is time for you!!! (((HUGS)))

unsureoffuture

vvl71w, I am sorry to hear things have not changed for you. Perhaps it's for the best. You may not see it now but perhaps it is. Your wife is still drinking which means she is not doing "better" as you state. It's a cycle. They do better for a while to convince themselves and others that they don't have a problem and then slowly it creeps back up to the same or worse than before. You have lived it as I have, so you know its going to happen. This disease will not miraculously disappear one day.

Your wife left you because she is an alcoholic. No matter what her drink is what's most important and you got in the way. She is clearly telling you this. She is not going to stop drinking. She said she cant live with the mistrust but she is the one lying and deceiving, not you. You stated you noticed more alcohol missing etc etc etc. Alcoholics are manipulators and she is manipulating you into feeling its your fault. Marriage is a two way street. What are you getting out of this? You state you love the person she is when she is sober. Problem is, she is not always sober. They are not two separate people. She is also the person she is when she is drunk and if you cant love ALL of her than it is what it is. You have to accept that is who she is because she is telling you she is not going to change. It suck, it hurts but its the truth. I know because I've been there. What helped me is to dig deep down and come up with a list of what my ideal partner and relationship would look like. Look at other happy marriages and identify the things that are missing in your relationship. Focus on that because you deserve someone who can give to equally as you give to them.

There is no reason to feel humiliated. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. There is nothing you could have done to change things. I think if you focus on yourself you will begin to feel better. Sure ending any relationship is lonely and painful but there is also a whole new world of opportunities and happiness that awaits.

vvl71w

Thank you all for the supportive replies. As if she's telepathic, lost night she got in touch on social media..

She's living the dream at her parents.. they are moderately wealthy.. taking care of her.. homing her.. feeding her.. providing assistance with her horse which she has at their place.. and she's still going to work.

I 'think' she's drinking midweek though judging by the message she sent me last night..

She loves me and would come home on condition that I never confront her about her alcoholism again.. she 'likes a drink' as most people do and has it 'under control'. I wouldnt be allowed to speak about her to anyone, especially family members as a partner is supposed to be a best friend & confidante !!! She goes on to say that she also requests we would no longer have any contact with all our old friends as they judge her on her past. She feels the need to find new friends who know nothing of her 'past' problems. These are the conditions she sets for her return.

I didnt reply.

HoldOnLoosely

Hmm - that's a lot of interesting conditions. So, basically, stifle any present and future concerns? And, erase it from history. You're still thinking this way (what you wrote the other day), right?

FeelingGreat

vv, you AW isn't asking much! I would be very surprised if she's 'living the dream'. In fact, if she's drinking during the week, she's probably deteriorating. She wants to come home (who want's to live with their parents?) but needs to make sure it's completely on her own terms. And she's clearing the decks to drink as much as she wants, when she wants.

I'm glad you can see this for what it is. I hope you're thinking about how you can get out and improve your life.

FireSprite

Absolutely agree. This isn't a cryptic message in ANY way - she's telling you to accept her fully raging, growing addiction & everything that goes with it & never speak a word of it to a single other soul. It's VERY clear.

Denial, isolation, blameshifting, minimizing, progression, lack of accountability, zero desire to quit - it's all right there in black & white.

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts to realize exactly how much we can't control & how hard it is to watch someone make choices to stay unhealthy.

What are you doing to make changes for you? The changes you CAN control?

The only way to get out of this cycle is to take a step in a different direction - you can continue to stay victimized by her choices or you can define better choices for yourself & work toward getting healthier, independent of her. It seems that you are & have been at a fork in the road but eventually you'll have to decide which path you want to take.

firebolt

Good for you for not responding!

Totally agree with everyone above. She is going to drink when and as much as she wants and you are going to like it, and also cover it up for her - then she'll come back and be your loving wife.

Sending you peace and strength.

Hawkeye13

Have you been to a lawyer to find out where you stand?

I suggest you start thinking about the next steps to protect yourself.

She is getting worse, and at some point her parents will have had enough and
try to draw you back in.

I think a legal separation might be the next step, if you are still unwilling to consider divorce.

This will go south pretty quickly, especially if she loses her job.
That will happen, you know. . .

Great job on not responding--

unsureoffuture

One thing it's best to accept is that without any formal treatment (ie abstinence and working a strong sobriety program), your wife is not going to get any better. In fact she will worsen. You talked about her shorter and shorter sobriety periods and resenting her when she drinks. That is the reality you are faced with when you take her back. She has made it very clear she has no desire to quit or change so basically it will get worse. She will continue to deteriorate. You really need to ask yourself if you are willing to continue to live with this reality. She is not "living the dream" at her parents. Her life is no longer her own anymore, she is controlled by the bottle and when she can get her next drink. Its a very sad existence really because of all around her who are truly hurt by this terrible disease. Good job not responding.