drowninginair

AH called me at 6am(breaking no contact order) and told me that he just got hired at a new job and could i transfer money into his account so he could buy gas???(how pathetic)keep in mind when he left 10 days he had a 1000$S. and when i would go for my nightly 3 mile walk all week i saw his truck front and center in the local skelly bar parking lot. tell me WHY did i transfer 70 to him. was this wrong. why are his problems still mine? im raising 3 kids a dog with a fulltime career. he cant even take care of himself. in my head im saying if he finds steady employment maybe his self esteem will go up and he can get healthy. i am going to my first al-anon meeting tonight where hopefully i can aquire much needed coping skills to break my co-dependency. my need to "save"him. i need to save myself.

Pelican

Good Morning,

I see two options now:

Kick yourself all day and think about all the wrongs, and watch the scale continue to lean towards his taking, taking, taking

OR

Forgive yourself. Learn from this experience.
Let go of the Alcoholic and give him to your HP, and then
make the rest of your day be about your future serenity.

I recommend the second option.
No need to let the Alcoholic take up more space in your head.

I also recommend Alanon and self-improvement books.
I wanted instant answers to my situation with my alcoholic husband.
I needed answers, NOW!

What I realized, however, was that I did not arrive in the situation overnight; and it was going to take more than one meeting/night to get myself out of the drama of alcoholism.

I also learned to love myself, forgive myself for mistakes, and move forward from the experience.

Peace to you as you continue to recover

laurie6781

I agree with Pelican whole heartedly!!!!

Do not beat yourself up, that is a waste of energy that can better be used on you and your children, just learn from this ..................... NO is a complete sentence.

You have yourself and your children to take care of and I doubt if you have seen or will see any $$$ from him, so ...................... put the A out of your head, give him the dignity of getting the consequences for his actions.

No need to 'save him'. He is an adult and can 'save' himself when he is ready.

I am glad you are going to an Alanon meeting this evening. Please try at least 6 different ones to find the ones that you are just a teeny bit comfortable in at first, as your comfort will rise with each meeting you attend, and get Melodie Beatties book "Co Dependent No More" as a start. It is available on Amazon at a very reasonable price.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

drowninginair

thanks, im kind of nervous about al-anon do you recomend bringing a friend for support or going alone. is there anything i should look for at a meeting? are there any al-anon socail faux pas?

laurie6781

Go a bit early if you can when they are setting up so that there are only a few there, introduce yourself and say "I NEED HELP."

Then sit and listen for the similarities not the differences. If asked to share you can pass if you are not comfortable with sharing your first meeting. Bring Kleenex in case they don't have any as you may break down and cry and that is okay, you will not be the first nor the last.

You will do fine. No need to bring a friend unless that is the only way you feel you can get yourself to go, lol

Love and hugs,

drowninginair

btw-laurie your dog is beautiful!!!!!!!!

coffeedrinker

drowning,

first of all, WELCOME to soberrecovery. I am glad you found us.

the only real "faux pas" at an al-anon meeting would be to interrupt when someone is talking (cross talk) or to give unsolicited advice.

that's one of the things i value about this board - we can ask for, and receive, advice and suggestions from people here. i think after the meetings would be a time to go get coffee with someone, or just hang out there, and you can have conversations. the meeting itself is not structured that way.

a lot of people just go and sit and listen (and yes, cry) for their first one or two meetings, but there are no rules, or expectations even, of you speaking anything at all.
i even experienced a guy i went to say hi to who didn't want to tell me his name. so what, he's there for what he needs and wants.

you can bring a friend, of course, but would that cause you to hold back, or make you feel comforted? many people do come with someone else. perhaps you have a friend who also loves or is attached to an addict?
again, no rules.

the thing about you giving him the money:
sometimes we "go there" one more time, and then we are hit in the face with "why'd i do that? i know better!" and it's just a reminder that we're NOT going to do that again. your feelings after you made the deposit, are there to remind you of how yucky it feels, and that it is a boundary for you.

boundary: a fence around your yard to keep wolves out.
if a wolf comes to your fence and says, "hey i need 70 dollars, can i come through the gate?" you get to say, "no, this gate stays closed for you wanting money."
you get to set up your gate, your boundaries, however you see fit.

peace to you....

Buffalo66

First thing:
I read your previous post, and what you are experiencing is ABUSE, plain ad simple!

Do not tell yourself any other reason or excuse for him. Even alcoholics have to be accountable for their actions.

I am very happy and proud of you for going to get a restraining order. You need this. You put it in place to protect yourself, and to shield your kids from seeing/feeling/learning his abuse. Please do not respond to anymore of his communications. You are not responsible for him. He is an adult.

As far as the above post;,

I agree with Pelican. No use in kicking yourself around over this, but know that over time, you might just come to a place, with prectice, and some work on your reactions to him, when you just say, "Im sorry, Im glad you got a job, I dont have any money for you. ,"

You will look out for you and your kids FIRST, and then, MAYBE him...

And alanon will halp you do this!

Whether he gets a job, or doesnt, whther he has good self esteem, or not.

This is called SELF care, and it comes with detaching from your alcoholic, who you have v=been draining your energy into for years.
Welcome, and good on you for finding Alanon!

drowninginair

thanks these are the kind of "tools" i hope to acquire at meetings and through this site

drowninginair

thanks i have a problem with needing to fix things NOW bc im a fixer because im the cog that makes the wheels of this family turn. but i must learn that feeling .000000000000000001% better every day may be my only progress!

laurie6781

Thank you, Shania appreciates the compliment. She is a Belgian Sheepdog (I have 2 of them, lol) of the Groendahl variety. They come in 4 'flavors', I just prefer the 'black' ones. Highly intelligent for canines, they are called a 'thinking breed.' If I do not think of things for them to do, they will think for themselves and I may not like the outcome, lmao So I keep them busy and tired so when in the house they are perfect house dogs most of the time.

AlAnon will also help you with 'patience', lol As I do believe all of us can identify with wanting everything fixed NOW.

I think you come to find that AlAnon will be a big help for you!

Love and hugs,

suki44883

You have gotten some good advice and I really have nothing to add except this one thing to remember. If you have an Order of Protection, he is not allowed to contact you in any way. If you allow him to call you once, chances are he'll try it again. Talking on the phone with him is a violation of the Order. For however long the Order is in force, please do not have any contact with him. This is for your safety.

wanttobehealthy

Call and let someone (legally involved) know he contacted you and that you contacted him back (by giving him $). I was told during the time that my H had a no contact order that if he contacted me and I went along with it and didn't report it back it was going to make me look pretty bad if and when I tried to extend the no contact order.

As for giving him $. You were in a hard spot and if it were me here's the record that would play through my head (NOT that this is normal- I am sharing it to show that I have codie thoughts and I bet others can relate)

- If I give him money and he really does use it to get to work maybe this will be the start of something positive for him and down the road maybe us
- If I don't give him the money and he really did need it and can't get to work he will a) blame me for losing the job b) I will blame myself for his losing the job c) he will have lost his "chance" at improving his life.

Talk about thinking I have a lot of power huh? It's insane that I think my simple decision to give or not give him money really has the power to change his life for better or worse. But this IS what I've thought for years.

You gave him money, you know you don't want to do it again and you learned from this. Don't beat yourself up.

Hang in...

keepinon

Congrats on seeking help for yourself thru alanon..at my group we always say..give it at least 6 tries or we'll gladly refund your misery!The only other possible faux pas I can think of is that when you are talking,don't ask a question..it won't get answered during a meeting..but after you can ask anybody anything..reach out to those people..they are some of the greatest,kindest,wisest people around!

StarCat

You paid $70 to learn another lesson.
It's an important lesson, and it's cheaper than most classes!
As long as you can walk away and learn from your mistakes, there's still good.

japabp2000

I agree with everyone. It's a hard lesson learned but just don't beat yourself up over it. I'm glad you are seeking help here and through Al-Anon. Hang in there sweetie!

Alone22

It was really hard for me to go to my first alanon meeting too. I have trouble with new things, the unknown is a real struggle for me. I just went to my 5th meeting today and I really like them. It will help open your mind to another way of thinking... you will learn to focus on what your needs are, and help you see life a little clearer. When others share their own personal thoughts on what has happened in their lives and how alanon has helped them it will help you to understand where your focus needs to be. They have free little booklets to help you get started in understanding what it is all about. It is a great support group!

kittykitty

Just the fact that you had this conversation with yourself is a good sign, in my opinion. Awareness that we are doing something that we aren't happy about is first. Acceptance that is is happening/or that you did it, and that in this instant this is how you are (and it's already done), is second. Action is third, where you decide what you're going to do about it... what do you have the power to change? How can you keep it from happening again? All the power you need to change is within you.

Hope you had a great meeting!

Carol Star

We know better we do better. At the beginning of the Alanon meeting someone will read all the ground rules. You don't have to share if you do not want to. You can if you want. They have all been where you are. They all know what it was like to go to their first meeting. They know you are hurting. The 12th step is to carry the message. They are there to help themselves and you. Don't be afraid. They will probably ask if there are newcomers.