How do you erase those tapes?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
How do you erase those tapes?
I don't want to be here, this place doesn't feel like home anymore.
I've had these flashes all week long, bad tapes playing, haven't been able to shake them. Last night the hotel was pretty crowded-lots of kids, I assume they're renting rooms to party.
I couldn't sleep, participating in that thread yesterday got me completely wound up, I was definitely agitated and the racket didn't help, my room is next to the back door/staircase, sounded like herds of elephants most of the night.
Pretty late, well after midnight, there's a familiar sound, Jesus save me, it's a woman crying somewhere back there outside, she sounded drunk. I wanted to go see who it was but was paralyzed, it sounded like her, I've heard her weep quite a few times when she was extremely intoxicated. She would weep like a small child.
Needless to say, my day has not gone well, I am just dying to get back to Iraq. This is so messed up.
I've had these flashes all week long, bad tapes playing, haven't been able to shake them. Last night the hotel was pretty crowded-lots of kids, I assume they're renting rooms to party.
I couldn't sleep, participating in that thread yesterday got me completely wound up, I was definitely agitated and the racket didn't help, my room is next to the back door/staircase, sounded like herds of elephants most of the night.
Pretty late, well after midnight, there's a familiar sound, Jesus save me, it's a woman crying somewhere back there outside, she sounded drunk. I wanted to go see who it was but was paralyzed, it sounded like her, I've heard her weep quite a few times when she was extremely intoxicated. She would weep like a small child.
Needless to say, my day has not gone well, I am just dying to get back to Iraq. This is so messed up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Several triggers hit you, atop other assorted uncomfortable and foreign annoyances. I don't know which thread had you upset, but whenever I'm really really pissed off and down, I ask myself this question now: What do I have to be grateful for?
Then I go down the list.
Then I go down the list.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Boy did I get triggered today - too much time having the RAH helping, I suppose. Twice he set my teeth on grind (hence I say anything) and once, I finally reacted. We didn't fight, I just told him in clear terms that keeping secrets is not healthy in a marriage and as long as that continues - we won't stand a chance in hell being married. But I tell you - sometimes it just happens and you go RIGHT BACK THERE to the anger, hurt, resentment, loss, etc. like it was yesterday.
So I ended the day of helping early and sent him on home. Thank goodness I can do that these days! And tonight will refocus my perspective with a little down time, some gratitude, and some prayers to the HP.
SailorJohn, its a full moon...wonder if that has anything to do with it?!
So I ended the day of helping early and sent him on home. Thank goodness I can do that these days! And tonight will refocus my perspective with a little down time, some gratitude, and some prayers to the HP.
SailorJohn, its a full moon...wonder if that has anything to do with it?!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I don't think you can erase those kinds of tapes, SJ.
They're like spirits that stay with you on the journey.
All it takes is the wee hours, little sleep, and unidentified sounds outside to send us all under the covers wishing them away.
I'm haunted, too. I start to smell him around the house. It's been a year and a half and 3 moves and it follows me at times. Stale beer, cigarettes, sweaty, kinda musky. When it gets bad, have to go through my journals entries from just after I left, remind myself of my strength and freedom. I listen to the music that empowered me to leave.
I have to cast him out again and it works for a time.
It is messed up.
I'm with you.
Alice
They're like spirits that stay with you on the journey.
All it takes is the wee hours, little sleep, and unidentified sounds outside to send us all under the covers wishing them away.
I'm haunted, too. I start to smell him around the house. It's been a year and a half and 3 moves and it follows me at times. Stale beer, cigarettes, sweaty, kinda musky. When it gets bad, have to go through my journals entries from just after I left, remind myself of my strength and freedom. I listen to the music that empowered me to leave.
I have to cast him out again and it works for a time.
It is messed up.
I'm with you.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Brokenheartfool has a great idea, I do a gratitide when I meditate in the woods on my walk. Start with the letter A, and move through the alphabet, matching each letter with something you are grateful for. Some of the letters are kind of tough, but get creative. The other day, I was stuck at "L", so I said i was grateful for the Leaves on the ground, because they remind me that even though they came from the same tree, they are all different in some way. Individuality. And even though they are finished with their job of nourishing the tree, they still get to nourish the soil. Purpose.
I do the list when I go to bed as well, and alot of times I don't even make it halfway through before falling asleep.
Hugs to you:ghug3
I do the list when I go to bed as well, and alot of times I don't even make it halfway through before falling asleep.
Hugs to you:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Today was one of those days. I really wish there were a way to erase those tapes. Even trying to write over them doesn't seem to help. There's still that little ghost underneath the new. I'm feeling particularly lost in them right now.
I like Alice's symbolism of casting him out, though. I may need to come up with a ritual to do that.
I like Alice's symbolism of casting him out, though. I may need to come up with a ritual to do that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
So sorry you are feeling this way. It must be hard being "home" after being away. Sounds like you need to consider the HALT rule. There are definitely sounds, and smells that we forget about that trigger reactions in us that we don't expect. Stay close to SR and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
SailorJohn...
it's got to be the moon.
I don't know that you do ever erase those tapes/triggers. I honestly feel like I have shell-shock/PTSD from living with my AH. There are so many things he does that trigger insanity in me. A freakin' bar receipt left on the kitchen counter sends me into a freakin' spiral?!?! That's not normal, at all. And honestly, it's that reaction that he hates... and I wish I could not have the reaction... but I do. And maybe that reaction is a bit extreme, but maybe it's also a signal to me that - "THIS IS NOT OKAY!"
So... for the rest of my life, I suspect I'm going to be sensitive to bars and drunken behavior. I know he wants me to stop having that reaction (so he can go on his merry way and drink)... and I do too... but for different reasons. I want to be healthy, and calm... and I honest to god do not know how to do that while living with him.
I'm rambling... sorry. Just having a rough night here myself.
it's got to be the moon.
I don't know that you do ever erase those tapes/triggers. I honestly feel like I have shell-shock/PTSD from living with my AH. There are so many things he does that trigger insanity in me. A freakin' bar receipt left on the kitchen counter sends me into a freakin' spiral?!?! That's not normal, at all. And honestly, it's that reaction that he hates... and I wish I could not have the reaction... but I do. And maybe that reaction is a bit extreme, but maybe it's also a signal to me that - "THIS IS NOT OKAY!"
So... for the rest of my life, I suspect I'm going to be sensitive to bars and drunken behavior. I know he wants me to stop having that reaction (so he can go on his merry way and drink)... and I do too... but for different reasons. I want to be healthy, and calm... and I honest to god do not know how to do that while living with him.
I'm rambling... sorry. Just having a rough night here myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Triggers are tough to deal with because they hit you out of the blue, when you least expect it, kind of like the alcoholic behaviour we have all had to endure. To my dying day, the sound of a soda/beer can opening makes me go cold as I knew that once one opened, many more would be opened before all was said and done.
SJ - I had one of those days like you had a couple of days ago-had some MAJOR yard maintenance done - we're talking chainsaws to cut down trees, gas powered weed eaters...my dog was so stressed out over the noise and change in his routine, a neighbour, while admiring what was being done, kind of sneered at "how much this would cost" (I didn't tell her)......all the while I'm trying to finish an Accounting assignment.
In the midst of all of this, I get an email from the ex, making really snide comments, (once again), blaming things on me. Yeah, it brought up a whole bunch of bad stuff and yeah, it hurt more than I thought it would. It got deleted ASAP. Somehow, it gets through my security, but maybe it's a good thing as I see it's the same old same old coming from him. Makes me see that my decision to leave was right for me.
The way I looked at it was that it was only a day, 24 hours, and it would soon be over. I could get through it, I would get through it. I wasn't going to let his words still hold power over me.
Walked the dog, did some shopping, came back and realized that in spite of the email and all of the stuff going on at my place, I had so much to be grateful for - the house, my dog, my family and friends - people who genuinely love me, who don't blame me for their lot in life and who accept me for me.
And yes, I do believe the full moon does affect all of us in many ways.....
Hugs coming your way for a better day......
SJ - I had one of those days like you had a couple of days ago-had some MAJOR yard maintenance done - we're talking chainsaws to cut down trees, gas powered weed eaters...my dog was so stressed out over the noise and change in his routine, a neighbour, while admiring what was being done, kind of sneered at "how much this would cost" (I didn't tell her)......all the while I'm trying to finish an Accounting assignment.
In the midst of all of this, I get an email from the ex, making really snide comments, (once again), blaming things on me. Yeah, it brought up a whole bunch of bad stuff and yeah, it hurt more than I thought it would. It got deleted ASAP. Somehow, it gets through my security, but maybe it's a good thing as I see it's the same old same old coming from him. Makes me see that my decision to leave was right for me.
The way I looked at it was that it was only a day, 24 hours, and it would soon be over. I could get through it, I would get through it. I wasn't going to let his words still hold power over me.
Walked the dog, did some shopping, came back and realized that in spite of the email and all of the stuff going on at my place, I had so much to be grateful for - the house, my dog, my family and friends - people who genuinely love me, who don't blame me for their lot in life and who accept me for me.
And yes, I do believe the full moon does affect all of us in many ways.....
Hugs coming your way for a better day......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Sorry you had a rough night and from the sounds of it on here there are a lot of us who have tapes that play, particularly when we hear/see/smell triggering kinds of things bc of our lives with A's... Hope today is going better for you. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Which tapes do you want to erase John? I remember
how uncomfortable I was when my little family moved
from Baton Rouge, La. to Houston, Tx. years ago. Within
the 10 yrs. I was there youd think I would be a happy
camper moving to an exciting city filled with all sorts of
new adventures, new challangers, opportunities. And
yes it was. It was for my husband with his Engineering
job and my kids with band, new friends. A new life.
Me, i was plucked from my home here in BR because I
was sooooo miserable living in a little corner of the world
I thought we'd never get out of. I was 7 yrs into recovery
when word came that we were moving. After months of
crying while mowing the lawn I prayed to leave everthing
behind to follow God wherever He would send us just to get
out of where we were living.
Sure enough His will was done and we moved.
In Houston while the family grew and enjoyed their new
opportunities, I cried, prayed and journaled because I
was sooooo unhappy again. Grateful I should have been
and I was with my time sober but unhappy in the marriage.
Unhappy to be away from my AA family here in BR.
I went to some AA meetings in Houston but I never really
connected like i should have so that was when i found SR.
I stayed with you guys as I struggled with my unhappiness.
Kids grew and finished college, husband still jobbing and me
looking for a way out. Praying SRing, crying, screaming, jogging,
journaling, applying for back teller jobs. Sure enough I got
a bite here in BR which was my ticket back home and out
of my miserable unhappy marriage.
I got the job, moved into an apt.. separated from family but I
was HOME. Home here in Baton Rouge. Home to where the many
tapes I played in my head of driving down the familiar streets with
huge oak trees over lapping the roads filled with hanging moss.
Happy to be actually sitting right there in those rooms I sat in and
brought my baked goods for many many meeting in early recovery.
Back to familiarity and comfort.
I returned back in Dec. 2006 and since then have remarried and
sober 20 yrs living happy joyous and free. FINALLY...!
For me THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
Hope you get to your comfort place John and never forget
the good tapes that keep you happy.
how uncomfortable I was when my little family moved
from Baton Rouge, La. to Houston, Tx. years ago. Within
the 10 yrs. I was there youd think I would be a happy
camper moving to an exciting city filled with all sorts of
new adventures, new challangers, opportunities. And
yes it was. It was for my husband with his Engineering
job and my kids with band, new friends. A new life.
Me, i was plucked from my home here in BR because I
was sooooo miserable living in a little corner of the world
I thought we'd never get out of. I was 7 yrs into recovery
when word came that we were moving. After months of
crying while mowing the lawn I prayed to leave everthing
behind to follow God wherever He would send us just to get
out of where we were living.
Sure enough His will was done and we moved.
In Houston while the family grew and enjoyed their new
opportunities, I cried, prayed and journaled because I
was sooooo unhappy again. Grateful I should have been
and I was with my time sober but unhappy in the marriage.
Unhappy to be away from my AA family here in BR.
I went to some AA meetings in Houston but I never really
connected like i should have so that was when i found SR.
I stayed with you guys as I struggled with my unhappiness.
Kids grew and finished college, husband still jobbing and me
looking for a way out. Praying SRing, crying, screaming, jogging,
journaling, applying for back teller jobs. Sure enough I got
a bite here in BR which was my ticket back home and out
of my miserable unhappy marriage.
I got the job, moved into an apt.. separated from family but I
was HOME. Home here in Baton Rouge. Home to where the many
tapes I played in my head of driving down the familiar streets with
huge oak trees over lapping the roads filled with hanging moss.
Happy to be actually sitting right there in those rooms I sat in and
brought my baked goods for many many meeting in early recovery.
Back to familiarity and comfort.
I returned back in Dec. 2006 and since then have remarried and
sober 20 yrs living happy joyous and free. FINALLY...!
For me THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
Hope you get to your comfort place John and never forget
the good tapes that keep you happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Sorry for the confusion, when I wrote 'this place' was referring to MI.
SR is one of the few places I can think of where you always feel welcome, you guys really are some of the best people I know. Even if it is virtual.
Thanks for your support!
John
SR is one of the few places I can think of where you always feel welcome, you guys really are some of the best people I know. Even if it is virtual.
Thanks for your support!
John
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
In the strictly literal sense, EMDR theraly helped me erase, or rather let play out some tapes that would not stop.
EMDR is about unsticking trauma that keeps playing over and over, and bringing it into the light of day, then out the door.
You probably have heard of it, if you have been in combat. I know they used to use it for PTSD for troops with pretty good result.
EMDR is about unsticking trauma that keeps playing over and over, and bringing it into the light of day, then out the door.
You probably have heard of it, if you have been in combat. I know they used to use it for PTSD for troops with pretty good result.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi John
Hope youre feeling much better soon. I get what you said. I still jump and get this very strange feeling in my heart when the phone rings, especially late at night. Sounds crazy, it still reminds me of my sister (yep the crying too)
The only thing that stops it for me, is a good cry once in a while. Yeah I know youre a blokey!! but hey it lets alot out John.
JJ
Hope youre feeling much better soon. I get what you said. I still jump and get this very strange feeling in my heart when the phone rings, especially late at night. Sounds crazy, it still reminds me of my sister (yep the crying too)
The only thing that stops it for me, is a good cry once in a while. Yeah I know youre a blokey!! but hey it lets alot out John.
JJ
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