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engaged w RAH last night, I am still very unhealthy

Old 04-17-2011, 02:02 PM
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engaged w RAH last night, I am still very unhealthy

I was talking to him, we were looking at photos of our son. It was a nice, happy discussion, warm, even.

He kept saying he feels he doesnt look like him. He definitely does look more like me.

RAH mentioned he (son) looked like some guy we know, one that I was friends with, and RAH used to be really jealous of.

The man in question looks like he could be my brother. He is gay, and thats a secret. We were very close.

SO, yes, son does kind of look like him.

I heard this as a baiting. I dont think he was conscious of it, and I thought...Let it go by. DO not engage.Repeat: do not engage.

BUt, I did. And I have been text arguing with him over it for an hour today.
He claims it was harmless.
I feel it was a stab, paranoid. I feel that he cannot filter his thoughts in order to play it through, and realize he is going to start a conflict, or tension.

I wanted an apology.
He does not feel he did anything wrong.
The man in question was someone I worked with during a time when RAH was deceiving me and living with a young girl. She got pregnant, they terminated the pregnancy.
It was an awful and dark time.
The mans name, and RAHs assertion that our son looked like him, triggered me something wicked.
I cried, and cried. ANd yelled and screamed. Oh, boy. ..
I thought, How can he even say something like that, about someone he accused me of being involved with while he was actually perpetrating the most hurtful betrayal in our history?

I was so triggered .\
I could not stop texting mean things.
I stopped, and made a feeble apology, and explained the trigger.

He remained pretty quiet, and then he said he was sorry, he should have been more sensitive.

I feel like I backslid pretty badly.

Need to dust off.
Funny, I thought those feelings were pretty well processed through, just goes to show you that the waves can overcome you. Resentment/pain is strong.

Back to trying to move ahead, and keep detaching

PS: another reason this was such a trigger is because when A was active there was a long period when he was questioning the paternity, constantly. It was a drunk thing, and there was absolutely no validity to his fear/doubt. I would become enraged by that. Its ancient history, now...but it was tied up in the trigger, too, Im sure.
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Old 04-17-2011, 02:26 PM
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Don't be so hard on yourself. If you both have a history of arguing over the paternity of your son, then "sorry, I should have been more sensitive" only after prolonged texting doesn't real cut it, does it? To keep on mentioning that your son doesn't like like him sounds like baiting to me too.

It doesn't sound like he gets it, really. That is such a shame for all of you.

How is your son doing?
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Old 04-17-2011, 02:32 PM
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Aw, Buffalo, that would be a hard one to resist for me too. You two certainly have "history" together, much like my AH and I do.

You know what comes to mind - the next time it comes up, I'd say, "Well, enough of this. I'm going to get a paternity test done and put this nonsense to bed." Get back on the concrete pad of truth! (this website offers them for $79! http://www.metaphasegenetics.com/?gc...FQNx5QodnHy3GQ)

I mean, I know the Al-anon answer is to walk away and ignore the bait... but honestly, I'm an engineer and I'm all for facts. So if there's a test that could be done to end the conversation, I'd do it ASAP.

Just my thought.
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Old 04-17-2011, 03:08 PM
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Boy, I relate to finding that kind of baiting irresistible! My trigger was the story he kept telling me and everyone else that I had partied in San Francisco to the extent that I had such a huge hangover that I was in the bathroom for the entire transatlantic flight. The truth was that I became horribly stomach sick after eating oysters two hours before getting on the plane.

I used to get SO enraged when he'd bring that up, because it was so non-sensical, irrational, and not to mention it was an attack on my character.

So I understand your feelings big time. It's so frustrating. In your case, it's even worse because it drags your son into it. I think GettingBy has a good suggestion. If that can put an end to his craziness where it concerns your innocent child, that might not be a bad idea.
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Old 04-17-2011, 04:27 PM
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I'm with the others... hard to not get upset with that history and trigger. Like you said, dust yourself off, move ahead and keep detaching.

I really like GB's solution! I too like to deal in facts. If you can put this argument to the test I say do it. Plus it feels good to be proven right. End of story.
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Old 04-17-2011, 05:28 PM
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Wow that really sucks and isn't it funny (not really) how our A's know JUST which buttons to push. Yours is the paternity insinuation remarks, mine is AH telling me I will become just like my crazy mother and on it goes.

I know the sucky feeling of being hurt and just wanting your H to "get it". You remarked that you weren't sure if your H even realized that what he was saying was a triggering/leadingly hurtful remark and I have to say that I've started to re-think how I've viewed my H saying similar things.

For a long time I've thought that it was intentional. That he knew what was hurtful and found subtle ways to jab at me. And certainly he does and it's obvious when he's trying to be a jerk. But there are lots of other times that I hear him say things and think "Seriously?" "How does he NOT get that that's out of line?" (and he does this with others-- not just me) and I've begun to wonder if he isn't a bit on an asberger-ish spectrum in terms of social skills and some other stuff... I was talking with the school Psych at my job about a student last week (who is on the autism spectrum and court involved bc of drug use) and he (psych) mentioned there being thoughts of a connection bw addiction and ASD. I don't know if there is but I know that what you said about wondering if your H even "got" that what he said was upsetting is something I've wondered a lot with my own H and maybe they truly DON'T get it. ?

When I read your post I thought about how many times I've been in your shoes and told myself 'don't engage' and then done so. You're human. I wish your H understood why you're hurting but just as I wish my H had been capable of comforting me with my job loss fiasco, it's just setting us up to be more upset when we hope or look to our AH's to respond to us the way we would if the roles were reversed.

Like you the nasty things said during the worst of his drinking (which he of course doesn't remember) are the hardest to not react to when they are brought up during sober times as well. I really really get how tough that is.

I'm sorry you are hurting...
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Old 04-17-2011, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
But there are lots of other times that I hear him say things and think "Seriously?" "How does he NOT get that that's out of line?" (and he does this with others-- not just me) and I've begun to wonder if he isn't a bit on an asberger-ish spectrum in terms of social skills and some other stuff... I was talking with the school Psych at my job about a student last week (who is on the autism spectrum and court involved bc of drug use) and he (psych) mentioned there being thoughts of a connection bw addiction and ASD. I don't know if there is but I know that what you said about wondering if your H even "got" that what he said was upsetting is something I've wondered a lot with my own H and maybe they truly DON'T get it. ?
I have taken, when angry, or even when not, to pointing out that my RAH can seem like LArry David from Curb your Enthusiasm sometimes.

I just find myself thinking, "People just dont say that..."

Or watch him being unable to let go of things the way he(larry david) can't on that show, and ending up in uncomfortable situations a lot.

HE did this at the Olive Garden other day. He got into it with a waiter, who did not want to take the tip before the dinner was over(dont ask me...), and he(RAH) ended up ripping the money up. ( i was not there, thank God..He was ALONE! at a restaurant acting this way. Then he called me and said..."oh, boy, I think I just made a scene...Why do I do that?)

DUH/!!!
Who does that? Who cares that much to rip up your own money to prove a point to a stranger?

But its this kind of thing...He will so often just not have the mental filter. His editor is pretty much permanently out to lunch.

And if you wonder if he ever got into fights because of it when he was drinking...HE was well known as the tasmanian devil of bar fights.

I guess I am figuring out that I definitely over triggered, and over aggressed. He feels bad, but I made him feel like a dog.
At the same time that I feel kind of sad about unloading on him, I feel as if that is the price of living that way for so long. His actions hurt me, long term. Trust is damaged, triggers are hazards of that fallout. Oh well....

We had been very civil for a while, so I jst was hoping to keep on the good path, and keep my side of the street clean...ya know?

Thanks
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Old 04-17-2011, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
I feel as if that is the price of living that way for so long. His actions hurt me, long term. Trust is damaged, triggers are hazards of that fallout.
you know I re read that post, and...

This is NOT who I want to be.
Vengeful thinking? Justifying my bad behavior or negative reactions with his past.

I am not sure healing can occur in that environment.

I may need to even consider detaching from the past.

Just thinking out loud...

I dont want to be the version of me, that just resents and spews anger, then says...Oh, well I have the right.

Just noticing what I dont want.
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
This is NOT who I want to be. Vengeful thinking? Justifying my bad behavior or negative reactions with his past.

I am not sure healing can occur in that environment.

I may need to even consider detaching from the past.

Just thinking out loud...

I dont want to be the version of me, that just resents and spews anger, then says...Oh, well I have the right.
Yup, I know that feeling well. I felt the need to argue with my AH just to vindicate myself. "Right fighting" with him never got me anything good... just a whole lot of anxiety and stress.... and shame over my own behavior.

The thing is Buffalo, they KNOW our buttons, and know exactly how to push them to make us spin out of control. And when we do just that, they can step back and say, "SEE! See how crazy YOU are?!"

So we have a choice. Take the bait and fight the fight. Or simply walk away.

And I can tell you from my own experience, it is SOOOO hard to be healthy in that environment. I tried my darndest, but it was such hard work that there's no way I could sustain it for the rest of my life. Of course, my AH was making ZERO attempts at recovery. Heck he told me flat out that his drinking was just fine (because all his drinking buddies told him so!)... so my situation is a bit different.

Get the focus back on YOU. What do YOU want your life to look like, and feel like? And then work towards that.
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:29 PM
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I have taken, when angry, or even when not, to pointing out that my RAH can seem like LArry David from Curb your Enthusiasm sometimes.
Will it surprise you if I tell you that

A) I've thought the SAME exact thing (except I find Larry David hysterical and my H not so much)
B) AH LOVES Curb Your Enthusiam & says "that's so much like me" A LOT when watching it.

Or watch him being unable to let go of things the way he(larry david) can't on that show, and ending up in uncomfortable situations a lot.
Yup!
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:50 PM
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I disagree you should get a paternity test. What an insult. One is assumed innocent until proven guilty; not Napoleonic law (like Mexico) in which one is assumed guilty until proven innocent.
If you have not had affairs, then he has no right to make such sneaky subtle suggestions that this gay man is the father.
I think it insults your dignity, and I would refuse a paternity test if asked.
It's enough to make me run for the hills.
Tolerance of calling me a cheater because they are, to what? Bring you down to his level?
Damn. Almost makes me wish the kid was the gay guy's. grrrrrrrrrrr. infuriating.
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:55 PM
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I think he was doing exactly what you think he was doing. Passive aggressive ******** at its best. I call BS on his "he didn't know what he was doing." BS, BS, BS.

**** that guy.

That said and regardless, it's great you caught yourself responding in a way that is not consistent with how you want to live. Well done.

Cyranoak

P.s. I hope Gay Dude is the father. He'd be a million times better than this jackass.
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Old 04-18-2011, 03:52 PM
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I'm so sorry that he did this to you. I would have been triggered as well. We are only human and regardless of how many meetings you attend, you can only take so much. He definitely overstepped on this. So sorry. (((((Hugs)))))
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