Conversation with my Uncle
 

I just got off the phone with my uncle, a recovering alcoholic/addict. He's definitely experiencing some of the consequences of his lifestyle, sometimes when I talk to him he sounds a little loopy, things just don't make sense. Changes from one topic to another, rambles on a bit. But otherwise coherent, and I'm learning alot about my family history from him. Things about my mom (now deceased) that I never knew, and things about my grandparents. Not much has really surprised me so far. My mother's side of the family has always been a little off, but I never thought much of it.

Until he told me tonight that my grandmother's father died in a mental institution. Turns out he was a pretty bad alcoholic, and back in those days, that's where they ended up - committed. They would go see him occasionally, standing on the outside of the 'estate-type fence' (as my uncle described it) looking in, and my GGM and GM would tell the grandkids (my aunts and uncles) that he was the lead cook at the facility, that he was 'an important man in there'. He would stand at the fence and talk to them while the guards in the white coats stood 30 feet behind him, monitoring him. The whole family ran on denial.

At first I was shocked, and then it became so clear to me, why my grandmother is the way she is. She was raised by an alcoholic father, and a mother who never had alanon. I also found out that my great grandfather didn't want my grandmother when she was born, she was the last of numerous children, and was born when my great grandmother was in her 40s. He threatened to "throw her out" on a regular basis.

I see my grandmother in a whole new light right now, and I am very upset that she had to go through what she went through. I see now why denial runs so deep in her (still hasn't dealt with my mother's death, over 10 years ago), and why she uses guilt and manipulation to get her needs met. I see why she enabled her son, my uncle, for as long as she did, and still does. I used to be resentful at her for these traits, but now I realize that she is like I was, before I started my recovery. I feel a new compassion for her, and wish she was here so I could give her a hug.
Of course, I could never discuss this with her, she's never even mentioned her father before to either me or my sister. But I don't need to say anything. Just knowing is enough.

It is so clear to me now, how being raised in an alcoholic home can affect the children of your children of your children unless help is sought for the family. It feels good to know that I am stopping the cycle, or at least trying to, by choosing recovery.

I still feel like I have been punched in the stomach, but getting better. Just had to share with someone. Thanks for listening.

I love these shifts in perspective that we get the more we learn about ourselves and the families we came from. For me, changing how I see my family and myself in relation to them has been disturbing, painful, difficult and oddly liberating! I've found that understanding can bring compassion and patience with the shift in my perceptions of motivations behind actions. Unacceptable behaviour is still unacceptable but seeing where it comes from somehow makes is a little less...I want to say personal but its not really what I mean....maybe less about me and more about them and their life experience?

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

Kittykitty,

I had the similar revelations about my FOO... A grandfather who was an alcoholic, a nagging controlling grandmother, an alcoholic father, a nagging controlling mother... Funny because I married an alcoholic with an alcoholic father, a nagging con tolling mother, an alcoholic grandfather and a nagging controlling grandmother!

I'm the first, on both sides, to step through the doors of an al-anon meeting. So... There's hope for me, and my children!!

Having several years of program under my belt, I am now able to detach with love and compassion from all of the chaos of my FOO. I see my mothers behavior, and I accept it as it is... And love her because she's doing the best she can with the tools she has. I tried getting her to go to al-anon about 5 yrs ago. She walked out of the meeting and said it was definitely not for her! Her denial runs deep... And I have compassion for that. Same with my husband, I have compassion for him... From a distance, because if I get too close emotionally I get hurt!

Anyways... I'm rambling. I think it's an important part of our recovery to look at our FOO... It really uncovers a lot of info about why we are the way we are.

Thanks for sharing!

Hi Kitty,
I am always amused by the way the perfect thread or post comes up at the perfect time.
I was at my cousin's wedding yesterday. I am still early in recovery and as an ACOA also, it was an effort that I am truly glad I made. I spoke with my cousins and their spouses and it is most interesting. They are very fond of my parents and we are fond of their parents and it is like the little bit of distance as nieces/nephews allowed our parents to be better with eachother's children.

I have so many thoughts going in my head now. I could write a book here, but I won't.
Thank you for being you and I wish you the best and to the other posters too. We will do better and hopefully, the next generation will benefit from our efforts. They already are I think. I don't have kids, but am very proud of all the other's kids.
Interestingly, alcohol was not in my 2 uncle's lives as they abstained (Pioneers, in Ireland the abstinence movement before and along with AA), but the damage was done in the previous generations. Also, there is a kind of a foolish vanity about our "mad *******" mentality that needs to go. One set of cousins were dancing like maniacs (30-40yr olds), and taking the mic and singing (rather well) and the other set were having more normal fun, quieter but enjoying themselves. Then my sibs were tightarses, unable to unwind but in a strange and guarded way, enjoying the get-together. My parents wait for everyone to come to them (and they do). But, I ramble!!!