sandrawg

I have to apologize..I wasn't here for a while--I broke up with my exabf a while ago, laid down the law that I would not talk to him anymore until and unless he gets sober. It has been a real struggle for me. I haven't been going to meetings as much as I should.

A few days ago I had a total codie relapse.

I found out from a friend that my ex has been with his exgf...long story short, this chick undermined our relationship--of course, he let it happen. He had told me so many lies about her...when she got in the way and he then wanted to get bk with me, he told me he never wanted to see her again and even if he and I broke up, he would tell her not to contact him, etc...apparently I see now, those were all lies.

I wish i had never found out. But that's not the problem. The problem is the way I handled it. I went off on him in text msgs.

He called my therapist and the therapist told me to back off. Of course, then he saw that as an entry to start contacting me about HIS messy feelings, I finally just told him, I apologize so much for what i did and we need to go back to No Contact.

I am so ashamed of myself. I feel like an addict that totally relapsed. Guilt..shame..physically sick feelings..I used to have panic attacks and was free of them and now I'm fighting one off..I know I need to get to a meeting-can't do it til tonight tho.

Any advice??

atalose

Don't beat yourself up so much, you had a fall off the no contact horse for a brief moment then got yourself right back on.....you apologized and said go back to no contact and that was good. Now delete his number and get on with your lovely life.

Sometimes we need to humiliate ourselves so we get to the next level. Those feelings of shame will keep you from doing that again.

Hit up some meetings in the next few weeks to get your mind moving in the right direction.

(((hugs)))

theuncertainty

IMHO: I think you had every right to get PO'd and he more than deserved to be yelled at. I get that you don't feel good about the way you handled it. You sincerely apologized for it. I think that's really all you need to do.

Oh and go No Contact again. Don't take any more calls or texts from him. There's no reason you should have to be the repository for his messy emotional life.

Progress, not perfection. Hang in there. Deep breath. Another. Another.

japabp2000

Hello Sandrawg. First I want to welcome you back. I'm fairly new here, but still wanted to say that Second, I want to echo what atalose said..and that's don't beat yourself up over it. You are only human, we all make mistakes. It's not as if you went back to him and begged him back or anything. Just keep on doing for yourself and hang in there. As far as anxiety goes, I can totally relate to that. Just take some deep breaths. (((((Hugs))))))

strengthtobeone

Try not to obsess about how big a relapse you think you just had. This is what helps me: Meditate on that Serenity Prayer or what your higher power is. You ARE getting better, and there are different, exciting challenges in your life that will replace the current misery you are feeling!

The only thing you know for sure is that your feelings WILL change. Right now will not last forever. Storm clouds will make way for sunnier days soon...

sandrawg

Thanks everybody! Man, it was a horrible feeling. When I was getting into the texting argument with him, my fingers were shaking. Then, the next day, I felt wiped out, drained, and emotionally and physically exhausting.

I agree, I think I had a right to be angry that he had deceived me so much about this girl, but it didn't get me anywhere to confront him about it. All he did was claim I was "playing the victim" and "people change" (what? his ex has changed and now she's this wonderful person? I doubt that but whatever.)

He is never able to acknowledge his transgressions. He always obfuscated, denied, and threw everything back on me.

Thinking about him being back with her totally nauseates me. Makes me glad I'm not part of his drama anymore. So yeah, from now on, I'm staying on the correct path.