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Anyone here friends with their ExA?

Old 04-15-2011, 05:07 AM
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Anyone here friends with their ExA?

Is anyone here friends with their Ex? I mean truly friends. You've been able to put the resentment and being in love behind you, and be detached.

I've talked to mine a little bit since my layoff at work. He hasn't tried to manipulate me, ask anything of me, toy with me, no flirting, it's been strictly platonic. I get the impression we have both accepted that it's over and would never work out. We haven't met up because he knows I'm not interested in drinking or being around it. It's been kind of nice.

Anyone been fooled before? I'm thinking as long as I keep my boundaries....
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:20 AM
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Thing is, the overwhelming majority of the ex's here are probably in the 'still using/drinking' camp. Not sure why anyone would want to be friends with an active addict/alcoholic. What would either party gain from the exchange?
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:31 AM
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Because I want to. That's why. Just answer the question and let me take care myself. Worry about you. I'll worry about me.
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:39 AM
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Interesting question.

I have found that for me, the people that I'm attracted to spending time with (platonically or otherwise) has changed significantly. I am not in contact with my exA, and don't know if there has been any recovery work done.

The thing is, however, is that I don't think there would be anything for us to discuss. The dysfunction ran too deeply, the bonding over woundedness too habitual for us both. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful...way too insidious for me to figure out, and all I can do is accept that I am powerless over the insidious nature of it all and bond with people who do not encourage me to feed my disease of codependency as I work on those issues within myself.

I'm not even tempted to get close to that hot stove by being in contact with my exA anymore. There's no point for me to do so. I've made new friends, am attracting healthier people into my life and finding a fair bit of self-respect inside of myself. For me, some things are best left well enough alone...and with that, I wish my exA the very best, TRULY. I've moved on.

Hugs,
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
Because I want to. That's why. Just answer the question and let me take care myself. Worry about you. I'll worry about me.
Uh, excuse me but I don't think I used the word 'worry' in my post, merely pointed out the obvious. Most of the regulars here-I can think of one exception, and that person is still involved, their spouse is recovering-have ex's that are still using/drinking.

In cases where there are children involved, one would have to interact with an ex to some degree, but in cases where there are none, one doesn't have a healthy reason for interacting.

Again, not sure what I-or anyone else here would expect to gain-from interacting with an ex that was still actively drinking/using.

Unless it was merely to leave 'options' open.

Or gloat.

If you don't like reading this, you can either ignore it or block it.
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:55 AM
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I have a girlfriend whose husband is badly addicted to porn and their marriage ended over it. I'm talking 8 hours a day everyday. But anyway, they divorced 5 years ago and she has completely detached and moved on. And they are friends. She did it for her kids. But she also has this mindset of "We spent 15 years together" and "why not be friends after all that time." He has remarried and she is okay with it all and seems to have let go. I think that's really neat. I don't think there is anything under the surface there either.
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:57 AM
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John you and I have had discussions before. When I first started coming here, you said you wouldn't post in my threads anymore. I would really appreciate it if you would stop. Your posts always offend me in some way.

Maybe it's my issue. Maybe it's YOU.

Regardless, it is my thread. My feelings are that the things you post offend me or I feel picked on by it.

Now you can respect me and move on and stop posting in my threads. Or you can be an a**hole and keep posting.

Maybe the people that are truly friends with some of their ex's are evolved at a higher level that you can't understand because you aren't there yet.
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Old 04-15-2011, 06:54 AM
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My thoughts are: It would be nice if it turned out that way for all of us

But yet, what Salior John said, is also very true.

You never mentioned if your x was sober or not. That would be
the very first thing I would look at. Full recovery inside and out, not just
sober...

I know that when I have boundaries set, somedays they just fall apart
and Im once again attacked emotionally & mentally by the alcoholic.

You used the word "fooled" in your sentence....What does that mean??
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:06 AM
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I consider friends to be someone I have things in common with, like to spend time with, and can trust and count on to be there for me in a supportive way. My X doesn't have those things, so I don't consider him in the same category as a true friend. That said, we have two children together who love us both. We are friendly to each other, the animosity is gone. I have forgiven him, and wish him the best, but he's just not friend material.

Oh, and he IS sober.

L
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:11 AM
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Sure. Your bringing up the question or being friends is making me think about that more. Since I have been around alcoholism all my life- family members, and my ex-husband (2 children together)- I felt it was necessary to continue the relationship (same reasoning as your friend). Just restructred them.

My RAXBF is also in early recovery but the relationship is not completely gone. It's changed, intentionally restructured. That is harder for me because but I don't think it precludes friendship without enmeshment. (Time will tell about the practicality of that!)

I guess in practical terms I've tried to guard against, or work around, certain behaviors rather than the people as a whole.

Maybe it's like work relationships. Sometimes there are folks at work that do things I don't like, or who freak out about short deadlines or having too many projects at the same time. Once I understand more about their personalities, I work around their preferences, strengths and weaknesses, and still have friendships with them.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:22 AM
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My xah is currently sober and has been since January but has recently left his rehab supports so we'll see where that goes. He is back in the area as of last week.

I would like to be 'friendly' if he stays sober. I would not want to do things with just him, like I would with a friend, but I would like to be able to have a more friendly relationship. We can take the kids out for a celebratory supper for something. He can show up for their birthday party and it won't be so miserable. We can have phone conversations about plans. My concern with that is it would put me in a position to always protect my boundaries - always. He pushes for more.

If he doesn't stay sober he isn't nice and so I would want to keep it all business about the kids and keep everything separate.

ETA: Without the kids I don't think I'd want to remain friends with an ex but I would hope we could be in the same room together without freaking out (like if we had mutual friends etc.).
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
John you and I have had discussions before. When I first started coming here, you said you wouldn't post in my threads anymore. I would really appreciate it if you would stop. Your posts always offend me in some way.

Maybe it's my issue. Maybe it's YOU.

Regardless, it is my thread. My feelings are that the things you post offend me or I feel picked on by it.

Now you can respect me and move on and stop posting in my threads. Or you can be an a**hole and keep posting.

Maybe the people that are truly friends with some of their ex's are evolved at a higher level that you can't understand because you aren't there yet.
Wow this really offends me. You know, we all have differing views, thoughts, experiences, wisdom, moods, skin & hair color, lives, emotions, etc... that is what makes this board what it is.

Is it not possible to take what works and leave the rest?

I don't think it is a question of respect to ask someone to never post on your threads; I think that's controlling. You do have the power to simply block him from your view if you don't want to read anything he has to say.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:53 AM
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Thing is, I thought our experiences here and our beliefs based on those experiences were pretty much universal.

No contact where possible-no children involved-limited contact where necessary-children involved.

Funny, I was reading a relationship website a while back-nothing to do with addition/recovery-and the author there, a woman, was chanting the no-contact thing.

And I thought it was only for codies.
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:24 AM
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I am not, and will never be, friends with XABF.

There was a time when I thought I would, if he would just do XYZ, and be more like the person I thought he should be, etc, etc, etc.
That's not healthy thinking, that's trying to control him, that's holding on to something that will probably never be, and that's opening myself up to be manipulated back into the "relationship."

I am a firm believer in no contact.
The last time he broke no contact, it was to insult me, and tell me what a horrible person I am, in some crazy attempt to get me back.
I have found my serenity since I have removed him from my life, and I want to keep it.

I am being picky choosing friends, choosing those who will help me build myself up rather than those who will tear me down with or without my help, and it's working wonders for me.
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Old 04-15-2011, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
Is anyone here friends with their Ex? I mean truly friends. You've been able to put the resentment and being in love behind you, and be detached.

I've talked to mine a little bit since my layoff at work. He hasn't tried to manipulate me, ask anything of me, toy with me, no flirting, it's been strictly platonic. I get the impression we have both accepted that it's over and would never work out. We haven't met up because he knows I'm not interested in drinking or being around it. It's been kind of nice.

Anyone been fooled before? I'm thinking as long as I keep my boundaries....
Be careful - my ex used getting back with me to get out of the relationship he was in with the woman he left me for. I was stupid enough to take him back (we were already divorced), and he walked out 1 1/2 years later for another woman whom he married. I was three years sober but almost got drunk - went to store for a bottle but never got beyond the parking lot. I went home and called someone in the program. My ex and I are civil when we meet - one of my nieces lived with us for six years and we're very close to her and meet at her family events. I would never trust him again, so keep my distance. He calls sometimes to chat but it's impersonal - we are strictly friends. We've been divorced 23 years.
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Old 04-15-2011, 10:57 AM
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Here's my 2 cents...

I am "friends" (ie. amicable) with all of my exes (none are As). I don't talk to them on a regular basis, or hang out - but when the occasion strikes (birthday, see something that reminds me of them) - I call. I chit-chat and enjoy the moment and then move on. Nothing more, nothing less.

The problem with alcoholic/codie relationship dynamic? Is it is NEVER that simple and clear. So, for me, I'm in the process of divorcing AH. We have two small children so I don't have a choice to go no-contact. I will make things amicable and interact with him as it pertains to the children - but don't know about being "friends" with him. Too much history, damage, hurt, resentments, etc.... for right now.

If he were to recover (and we get some SERIOUS therapy!!) maybe I could have a decent conversation with him... but like Thumper said...

My concern with that is it would put me in a position to always protect my boundaries - always.
There is no break or vacation when you're involved with a toxic personality. It's HARD work. Can you do it? Sure, but at what expense to yourself?
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
Every time in the past that I either initiated or responded to her contacts, I was back on the merry-go-round, with the inevitable ending, I'd get dizzy and get thrown off.

That's it, in a nutshell. I wish I could have expressed myself that succinctly!
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
GG, this was your post on 3/21 - approx 3 weeks ago. it was titled I MISS MY EX.

I don't really miss my ex...because the guy I used to know is gone. But I miss the old him. Now he's just an angry grumpy drunk.

I got laid off a few weeks ago and it's hard to be alone. I don't want to contact him...he always just caused more problems when I had things like this going on. But I'm sad and I miss him.

And I keep thinking, "Why can't some people just be happy? Why couldn't he have just appreciated what he had and not be so d* hateful. Why is it so hard for some people to just be happy, work on their problems and live life...."

and now today you are asking if it's ok to be "friends" and how hunky dory things are. my guess is that in some fashion you are getting your needs met - even tho 3 weeks ago you stated you didn't WANT TO CONTACT him cuz he's just a mean grumpy drunk.

what changed?
I lost my job. I have no parents. no brothers or sisters. We are in the same line of work and industry and it's a small world.

Until you walk in someone's shoes...you don't know what that's like.

It's really hard HAVING NO ONE.

But...I'm going to take someone else's advice. Take what works and leave the rest?

I'm intersted in people who truly want to answer the question.
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:53 AM
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I have to agree here-no contact is the best route to go. I have broken up with my EXABF recently and in spite of his assurances that we can "still be friends", no, that won't work for me.

I've blocked every access route whether by phone, email, social media and instant messenger to keep him out of my life.

Aside from the addiction issues (mine is still in active addiction) we share a history with our exes and while some couples separate on relatively amicable terms, others don't and throw addiction and co-dependence into the mix, IMHO, that's still a toxic relationship - who wants to be around someone where you have to keep your guard up at all times, watch what you say or do and have it misinterpreted or thrown back in your face?

As John says, every time you're in contact, the crazy train leaves the station and it's not hard to get drawn right back in and get thrown to the wolves again. It's one thing to stay "in contact" as it pertains to children and/or issues such as houses, etc, but that contact has to be limited to talking only about those things-when oher stuff comes up, that's where you have to stand your ground and not get drawn back in.

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:57 AM
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My ex was mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive while drinking or sober. No, we are not friends.
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