Anyone here friends with their ExA?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You're right- he should not have continued to post when she asked him not to, but I don't think it helped that she called him an a-hole. She too violated rules by resorting to a personal attack.
Originally Posted by blueblooms14 
I am VERY uncomfortable with the way GoldenGirl was treated here. Very confrontational, with boundary violations and control issues wrapped in. From what I can see, she hasn’t posted since she last responded to sailorjohn. LOTS of people did address her actual question. I think it was a good topic, so I am sorry to see that she’s left the house, if that’s the case.
This is what I see: she asked someone she had a negative interaction on this board with- and who supposedly said he wouldn’t post on her threads- to not post on her threads. That’s setting a personal boundary. That’s good and needs no one’s endorsement. (What’s kind of cool, from my perspective, is that she demonstrated that she might be just the person to manage a friendship with an A ex- she’s good at boundaries! Also she showed that that we do have different skill sets and may be at different places in recovery.)
Then, here, that boundary got ignored and violated, and when it was ignored and violated, some people approved of it and she even got taken on for setting and voicing her boundary at one point. Furthermore, some of the “do’s and don’ts” in the sticky above (“Attention FFA members”) were violated, and some of the issues that Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans raise in their books come to mind. This really makes me uncomfortable and thought I’d note it, especially since boundary and control issues are codie 101 stuff.
GoldenGirl, I hope you’re not gone. I appreciate the topic and examination you started.
This is what I see: she asked someone she had a negative interaction on this board with- and who supposedly said he wouldn’t post on her threads- to not post on her threads. That’s setting a personal boundary. That’s good and needs no one’s endorsement. (What’s kind of cool, from my perspective, is that she demonstrated that she might be just the person to manage a friendship with an A ex- she’s good at boundaries! Also she showed that that we do have different skill sets and may be at different places in recovery.)
Then, here, that boundary got ignored and violated, and when it was ignored and violated, some people approved of it and she even got taken on for setting and voicing her boundary at one point. Furthermore, some of the “do’s and don’ts” in the sticky above (“Attention FFA members”) were violated, and some of the issues that Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans raise in their books come to mind. This really makes me uncomfortable and thought I’d note it, especially since boundary and control issues are codie 101 stuff.
GoldenGirl, I hope you’re not gone. I appreciate the topic and examination you started.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
John you and I have had discussions before. When I first started coming here, you said you wouldn't post in my threads anymore. I would really appreciate it if you would stop. Your posts always offend me in some way.
The above is from Goldengirl3 and she did ASK you to stop posting to her threads.
The above is from Goldengirl3 and she did ASK you to stop posting to her threads.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Originally Posted by sailorjohn
Thing is, I thought our experiences here and our beliefs based on those experiences were pretty much universal.
No contact where possible-no children involved-limited contact where necessary-children involved.
No contact where possible-no children involved-limited contact where necessary-children involved.
Let me say, I enjoy all the different feedback I get on SR, even if the tough love is easier to take when its not steeped in extreme statements...
having said that, John...I disagree with you here.
I dont read anything here, on SR that leads me to think ANYTHING is universally understood by everyone dealing with an alcoholic, active or otherwise.
I think there is a moderately sized faction of folks here at SR who have found a way to remove their As from their lives and that works for them. And some of those folks feel that that is the only way to go. ANd maybe those folks feel that they know something others dont, and thats OK.
But, not everyone does leave, and not everyone wants to.
I go to alanon, and many many people there are not A free. Many choose to continue living with the addict.
Its not a rule, and its not an ASSUMPTION that the goal for everyone is to leave and go NO Contact.
No Contact has worked for me for periods of my life, and not for other periods in my life.
I can offer my opinion, and I dont shy away from suggesting that someone on the board may be lying to themsef, or getting sucked back into sickness,or unsafety but I do not assume any of the things that you listed above are universal.
Thats a pretty major assumption.
And while I would probably just go with it, if a poster irked me that much, I do feel that she asked you to stop posting, and honestly, when I checked back on the thread, I was surprised that you had continued to post.
It actually made me wonder for a minute why you would do that.
If you are detached, and just trying to help, and you dont know the person...Why keep posting against her expressed wishes. What is it in you, that needs to be heard so much?
And thats a rhetorical question, I dont really need to explore it with you, just wonder if you have asked yourself.
And Im sorry if I have hijacked your post even further, GG...
Just questions that popped up for me.
just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Not only that, NC won't work in certain situations.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Let me say, I enjoy all the different feedback I get on SR, even if the tough love is easier to take when its not steeped in extreme statements...
having said that, John...I disagree with you here.
I dont read anything here, on SR that leads me to think ANYTHING is universally understood by everyone dealing with an alcoholic, active or otherwise.
I think there is a moderately sized faction of folks here at SR who have found a way to remove their As from their lives and that works for them. And some of those folks feel that that is the only way to go. ANd maybe those folks feel that they know something others dont, and thats OK.
But, not everyone does leave, and not everyone wants to.
I go to alanon, and many many people there are not A free. Many choose to continue living with the addict.
Its not a rule, and its not an ASSUMPTION that the goal for everyone is to leave and go NO Contact.
No Contact has worked for me for periods of my life, and not for other periods in my life.
I can offer my opinion, and I dont shy away from suggesting that someone on the board may be lying to themsef, or getting sucked back into sickness,or unsafety but I do not assume any of the things that you listed above are universal.
Thats a pretty major assumption.
And while I would probably just go with it, if a poster irked me that much, I do feel that she asked you to stop posting, and honestly, when I checked back on the thread, I was surprised that you had continued to post.
It actually made me wonder for a minute why you would do that.
If you are detached, and just trying to help, and you dont know the person...Why keep posting against her expressed wishes. What is it in you, that needs to be heard so much?
And thats a rhetorical question, I dont really need to explore it with you, just wonder if you have asked yourself.
And Im sorry if I have hijacked your post even further, GG...
Just questions that popped up for me.
just my 2 cents.
having said that, John...I disagree with you here.
I dont read anything here, on SR that leads me to think ANYTHING is universally understood by everyone dealing with an alcoholic, active or otherwise.
I think there is a moderately sized faction of folks here at SR who have found a way to remove their As from their lives and that works for them. And some of those folks feel that that is the only way to go. ANd maybe those folks feel that they know something others dont, and thats OK.
But, not everyone does leave, and not everyone wants to.
I go to alanon, and many many people there are not A free. Many choose to continue living with the addict.
Its not a rule, and its not an ASSUMPTION that the goal for everyone is to leave and go NO Contact.
No Contact has worked for me for periods of my life, and not for other periods in my life.
I can offer my opinion, and I dont shy away from suggesting that someone on the board may be lying to themsef, or getting sucked back into sickness,or unsafety but I do not assume any of the things that you listed above are universal.
Thats a pretty major assumption.
And while I would probably just go with it, if a poster irked me that much, I do feel that she asked you to stop posting, and honestly, when I checked back on the thread, I was surprised that you had continued to post.
It actually made me wonder for a minute why you would do that.
If you are detached, and just trying to help, and you dont know the person...Why keep posting against her expressed wishes. What is it in you, that needs to be heard so much?
And thats a rhetorical question, I dont really need to explore it with you, just wonder if you have asked yourself.
And Im sorry if I have hijacked your post even further, GG...
Just questions that popped up for me.
just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
I agree with Buffalo66. When someone is stating a CLEAR BOUNDARY and the reasons for it, and someone else chooses to IGNORE the stated boundary--well, it says more about the person NOT respecting the clearly stated boundary than it does about the person who STATED the boundary. And that pisses me off. As did the pile-on that ensued when this woman stated her boundary clearly. Maybe she got a bit defensive and testy, but the admonishments to what basicaly amounted to her "tone" were what I found offensive. Clearly, goldengirl is having a hard time of it. People snapping at her and defending a boundary violation probably didn't help.
TOUGH LOVE DOES NOT INCLUDE BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS.
To the original question, if goldengirl is still reading: I have no desire to be friends with my STBXAH. He has never really treated me with genuine respect, or shown honesty or integrity throughout our relationship. He has his own agenda, and being friends with him or maintaining contact with him in any way would put my own recovery at risk. He never had my best interests at heart, but I sure do. Hence--no friendship!
TOUGH LOVE DOES NOT INCLUDE BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS.
To the original question, if goldengirl is still reading: I have no desire to be friends with my STBXAH. He has never really treated me with genuine respect, or shown honesty or integrity throughout our relationship. He has his own agenda, and being friends with him or maintaining contact with him in any way would put my own recovery at risk. He never had my best interests at heart, but I sure do. Hence--no friendship!
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