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Anyone here friends with their ExA?

Old 04-15-2011, 12:59 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
I have taken the trouble to read some of your old posts and have been struck by some of the similarities in our different histories.

I was also with my ex for over 4 years, there was a pretty substantial difference in our ages, she is still active-drinking/using.

We even 'broke up' around the same time, we were always 'breaking up'.

The only thing that has worked for me in regards to her is no contact. Period.

Every time in the past that I either initiated or responded to her contacts, I was back on the merry-go-round, with the inevitable ending, I'd get dizzy and get thrown off.

Now maybe you're one of the 'evolved at a higher level' folk that you referred to in this thread, but based on some of your posts of fairly recent vintage-posts where you referred to him as an 'idiot'-if I was betting I would say that you weren't ready to interact with him-on any level-at this time.

All written in the spirit of love, I read the posts where you mentioned how you were treated by your Mom, my Mom is alcoholic/bipolar and while she didn't treat myself or my brother very well, she was an absolute monster to my oldest sister, who still suffers from that to this day. Only good thing, she doesn't appear to have inherited the alcoholic genes.

Good luck.
Thanks. That makes me sad to read.
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:00 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
I lost my job. I have no parents. no brothers or sisters. We are in the same line of work and industry and it's a small world.

Until you walk in someone's shoes...you don't know what that's like.

It's really hard HAVING NO ONE.

But...I'm going to take someone else's advice. Take what works and leave the rest?

I'm intersted in people who truly want to answer the question.
I didn't see one post on this thread saying it was EASY. Hell no! It's harder than anything I've ever done, and I've given birth naturally--twice, lol!

Changing my entire life was difficult beyond description. But, I had to. I simply had to.

The easy thing is to go back to doing what is familiar. The hard thing is to step forward into the great unknown. I am so glad I chose the latter. The rewards have been worth every bit of the fear and pain.

L
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:15 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
It's really hard HAVING NO ONE.
Perhaps this is an opportunity to break new ground and meet new people.

And to answer your question directly: No, I would never in a million years want to be friends with XAH. He is dangerous.
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:59 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
It's really hard HAVING NO ONE.
Well here's the deal with that... you don't have NO ONE... you have YOURSELF!! So fall in love with yourself, and spend time treating yourself and you will soon realize that being alone does NOT have to mean being LONELY. (and by the way... you ALWAYS have your HP too!!!)

I wanted companionship soooo badly... and because of that, I was willing to accept some really unacceptable behavior. I settled on the morsels and crumbs that AH threw my way.

What I know now after working my Al-anon program... is that I am worth soooo much more. And if I want it, it's up to me to get it. I know that as I have gotten healthier, I have attracted healthier people to me (funny how that works). When we accept the unacceptable, we find ourselves surrounded by unacceptable (doesn't happen by accident folks!!!).

So the question Goldengirl is - what kind of life do you want? What kind of relationships do you want? What is/isn't acceptable? And then go get it.

You may find yourself alone and lonely for a bit... but as you get more comfortable in your new "coat"... you'll start reaching out and meeting new and healthy people.

I don't know if you go to Al-anon... but if not, you should consider. It really does work, if you work it.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:43 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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This comment came in an email from my EXABF that slipped past my security. It was originally an email forwarded to him - one of these heartwarming "doggie stories."

“this would be a pretty good lesson for you to learn in all your forgiving loving kindness...you have a bitter heart and its not a wonder you have never had a long relationship...karma shall bite you in the ass!”

I can guarantee that I don't want to be friends with someone who throws these comments around.
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:26 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I am VERY good friends with my first ex--who was a year sober when I married him, and has never taken another drink in the fifteen years we were married or the fifteen years since the marriage ended. He's probably my closest friend.

OTOH, my second husband, for whom I still have tender feelings, is still drinking to this day, and I have NO desire to have any relationship of any kind with him--no phone calls, no chit-chat, no birthday or holiday greetings. Zippo. Nada.

The only active alcoholics I have any interest in having contact with are those I work with in AA.
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:40 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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You seem very defensive. Are you posting here to really get advice, or to just hear people back up your own opinion?

Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
John you and I have had discussions before. When I first started coming here, you said you wouldn't post in my threads anymore. I would really appreciate it if you would stop. Your posts always offend me in some way.

Maybe it's my issue. Maybe it's YOU.

Regardless, it is my thread. My feelings are that the things you post offend me or I feel picked on by it.

Now you can respect me and move on and stop posting in my threads. Or you can be an a**hole and keep posting.

Maybe the people that are truly friends with some of their ex's are evolved at a higher level that you can't understand because you aren't there yet.
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:41 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I realized after a giant relapse this week, that I CANNOT have contact with my exabf. I just can't.

He is trying to suck me back into his vortex. They always do that. Addicts can't have friends, they take hostages.

Meanwhile, my sickness just feeds into his..it's horrible.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I am VERY good friends with my first ex--who was a year sober when I married him, and has never taken another drink in the fifteen years we were married or the fifteen years since the marriage ended. He's probably my closest friend.

OTOH, my second husband, for whom I still have tender feelings, is still drinking to this day, and I have NO desire to have any relationship of any kind with him--no phone calls, no chit-chat, no birthday or holiday greetings. Zippo. Nada.

The only active alcoholics I have any interest in having contact with are those I work with in AA.
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:42 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Active addicts and alcoholics are in total denial..I don't need to know the kind of self-destructive behavior my exabf is engaging in...it's harmful to me and my own recovery.

Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
This comment came in an email from my EXABF that slipped past my security. It was originally an email forwarded to him - one of these heartwarming "doggie stories."

ďthis would be a pretty good lesson for you to learn in all your forgiving loving kindness...you have a bitter heart and its not a wonder you have never had a long relationship...karma shall bite you in the ass!Ē

I can guarantee that I don't want to be friends with someone who throws these comments around.
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:15 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I don't want any contact with XABF because its like talking to a plant, but even if I would try I would have to go through high school girls to get to him because that is apparently who he starting dating like 5 minutes after we broke up.

There are tons of cool healthy guys out there that could occupy your time instead!
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:25 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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GG13,

I am friends with almost every guy I ever dated. None of them were active alcoholics at the time, or that I knew of.
I have healthy, fun connections with most.

However, I lost contact with a few(most) because of the controlling jealousy of my RAH.

He was even friendly with a few of my exs as we were mutual friends, but those relationships were too threatening for him over time .

I have a son with my RAH, and I am not making any sudden moves around that. I have to navigate him and his manipulative luge track each week, several times a week.

He is still, in recovery, a pretty chaotic force, and while he is trying to make it change for him, and for his son, the main reason I am not making any moves, is because I still have feelings for him, and am in the long process of hashing out what is addictive, what is codie, what is victim bonding...what is fantasy about family...

If he and I were never lovers, and I had not fallen into his world, and gotten lost for 10 years, and I met him in the last two years of his active addiction, or even if I met him right now...I do not think I would want to be his friend.

He is a grumpy, cranky person.
He used to be a very abusive grumpy cranky person...
Now he is just grumpy and cranky, and cynical. And odd.

I genuinely still have loving/love feelings toward him.

And now that the smoke is clearing even more, and I am more detached, I am able to identify what is my love for the potential him, and what is true love for who he is right now, and shockingly,., there IS some of that.

But,, to hang out, and shoot the breeze? He is not that guy. He is a quaking mess, really, and when he was active, he was simply NOT PRESENT.
He would not know how to be friends. Still a one way street and all the energy goes in his direction.
Right now, he is just figuring out that it is strange that he allows that one way street dynamic, has always needed that energy to eclipse anyone elses needs.

I would say, that if I was not tied to him through our son and certain limited financial need right now, I would wait a long long time, until I saw him BE a changed person, not just say he wants to be, or start realizing what an A88hole he has been for a long time...Before I would feel like I wanted to call him up and just shoot the breeze.

I also know that one of his less than healthy exes keeps him at arms length, and many of his family/hometown type friends dont really call him to chat, or just to "hang out as a friend"

He has a lot to prove, and that is just barely dawning on him.

I feel a lot of what he has to prove is to me,....
he feels a lot of what he has to prove is to himself...
and his family feels a lot of what he has to prove is to them.

And these are all true, but we are all going to have him in our lives for a long time. BEcause of family.

His friends went hands off a long time ago.
He was not that great at that real thing, and
The women and hangers on that he "procured" to meet his needs were hollow.

I dont know what it is you want from your Ex, but just for the record, it sounds like you are lonely, but it also sounds like a part of you is conning you into wanting to believe he is safe, becuase you are somewhat addicted to that illusion.
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:51 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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GG: I moved across the country to be with my now EXABF. I pulled up stakes, sold my vehicle for moving expenses to come to a place to be with a guy I loved then and believe it or not, still love. I left my family, friends, way of live all in the name of love. Yeah, the love of my life - an alcoholic and while I had been attending Al-Anon beofre,durting and after his 3rd stint ar rehab, I still felt alone, not just because I was in a whole new city, but because I was living with an alcoholic.

It has not been easy for me to cope, not just with the alcoholism, but the fact that I was alone and I was scared of being alone totally if EXABF broke it off. There, I said it. Itís out in the open. Thatís what kept me tied for way too long. the loneliness. What changed this time? I did. I wanted more than the roller coaster ride of what our life had become. If I was going to be alone, I wanted the peace and solitude of living alone, not being alone which is how I always felt with EXABF.

He was a white knuckler, a dry drunk who believed he could "do it on his own." He relapsed time and time again and each time, I went back for more because I didn't want to be alone.

I realized that even though my mom is back East, she loves and supports me (I am an only child), I have good neighbours, starting to make friends through Al-Anon and the bookstore where I volunteer and they all like me for me. Ad my age (53), I am taking courses toward an Accounting degree and am going to school part time starting next month.

Heck, talking my dog for a walk today-I had at least 6 people wave at me, say hi to us that made me feel so good and a lot less alone. Thatís why I blocked EXABF out of my life finally, once ad for all because I know that I am not alone as long as I have friends and neighbours and people here who like me for me, no strings attached.

There's being alone (living with alcoholism) and living alone. For me, I can differentiate between the two now and realize that living alone in peace and solitude beats the lonlieness of living with an alcoholic.
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Old 04-15-2011, 06:13 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
Well here's the deal with that... you don't have NO ONE... you have YOURSELF!! So fall in love with yourself, and spend time treating yourself and you will soon realize that being alone does NOT have to mean being LONELY. (and by the way... you ALWAYS have your HP too!!!)
This makes we want to give everyone here a big hug!

This is what recovery is all about, be it from drugs, alcohol, food, codependence or [insert your addiction of choice here].
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Old 04-16-2011, 09:53 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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All of the above Sailor John...
Mine is not an X, I still cannot make that step. I keep hoping and praying that things will change. But after a year of separation I have come to realize that I will never be able to have the kind of relationship I want and deserve as long as he is drinking. And yes it astounds me that it has taken me this long to define this boundary. I will never be able to fully trust and respect him as long as he is drinking. And those are 2 major things I require in a marriage and in a friendship.
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Old 04-16-2011, 09:55 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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My xabf is still drinking/using. One of my new boundries is not to have any active alcoholic/addict in my close personal sphere. If a person is in recovery that is of course different.

In my case staying in a "friendship" would be nothing but trouble. I would eventually get sucked back in to the drama. My recovery is too valuable to risk with what I already know is toxic to my peace of mind.

Laura
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:16 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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She kinda reminds me of me, when I first came on this board. I was so confused over my exabf's behavior and wanted someone to tell me how to change him.

LMAO! Man that makes me laugh now. Sad, though, that I spent 3.5 years with him, off and on, doing the same thing and getting the same unsuccessful results.

Meanwhile I had my head messed with so badly I felt insane at the end.

Let me tell you -there's no way I want to be friends with my exabf. How on earth could I continue to watch him self-destruct like that, if I care one iota for him? It's insanely painful. Not to mention, all he does now is go to bars and sit around and drink and hang out with people of no ambition who either smoke too much pot, drink too much, or do other drugs. I have nothing in common with any of them.

OP, you might want to look at your motivation for why you want to be "friends" - if you think maybe you can be "friends" with him to continue to try to change him, I would HIGHLY suggest you get yourself to an al-anon meeting.

I agree with anvilhead in that it sounds like all you want are stories to support what you're doing. You want us to come in here and give you glowing anecdotes of how great life is, being friends with someone who's drinking themselves to death.

Sorry, sister, you're gonna have a LONGGGG wait.
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
I lost my job. I have no parents. no brothers or sisters. We are in the same line of work and industry and it's a small world.

Until you walk in someone's shoes...you don't know what that's like.

It's really hard HAVING NO ONE.

But...I'm going to take someone else's advice. Take what works and leave the rest?

I'm intersted in people who truly want to answer the question.


no, what you WANT is validation for a decision you already made! you already contacted him, you already are working on the friends thing. and you want someone to say that's ok.

by the way, i lost my mom 18 years ago. haven't had contact with my biological father for years, and HE just passed away in january. i have no brothers or sisters. i know what it is like to go it alone. if YOU want to continue to have a relationship with YOUR ex that's FINE. you don't need our approval. you asked for opinions. you got them. you might want to work on graciously accepting that which you asked for even if you don't like it.
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:20 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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YOu are so right.

I saw it this week, when I stupidly made contact with my exabf to give him grief about jumping from me to his ex--the same ex who undermined our relationship before. An ex he said was "crazy" a "liar" a "pothead" etc.

OMG, he has got to be the most irrational person I ever met, and I don't know if it's because he's mentally ill or because he's used some form of drugs or alcohol his whole life.

He just said the most f'd up things that had my head spinning. I found myself shaking, stomach churning, physically ill and too depressed to function.

It was kind of like how an alcoholic relapses, and it reminds him/her of how HORRIBLE it is to be drunk. I felt like it was a codie relapse. Made me think "ohYEAHHHHH...this is why I have to avoid him like the plague."

And now I am struggling to get back on the right path again of no contact, going to al-anon, and working my own steps.

Originally Posted by Lola1024 View Post
My xabf is still drinking/using. One of my new boundries is not to have any active alcoholic/addict in my close personal sphere. If a person is in recovery that is of course different.

In my case staying in a "friendship" would be nothing but trouble. I would eventually get sucked back in to the drama. My recovery is too valuable to risk with what I already know is toxic to my peace of mind.

Laura
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:23 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Hey, don't be ashamed-I did the same thing.

I was off and on with my exabf for 3.5 yrs mainly because of the terrible loneliness I would feel when we broke up.

I finally learned a very IMPORTANT lesson. Until you can be alone, and can be HAPPY being alone, finding a good relationship will be a struggle. You'll be in danger of jumping into another dysfunctional union just to avoid being alone.

Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
GG: I moved across the country to be with my now EXABF. I pulled up stakes, sold my vehicle for moving expenses to come to a place to be with a guy I loved then and believe it or not, still love. I left my family, friends, way of live all in the name of love. Yeah, the love of my life - an alcoholic and while I had been attending Al-Anon beofre,durting and after his 3rd stint ar rehab, I still felt alone, not just because I was in a whole new city, but because I was living with an alcoholic.

It has not been easy for me to cope, not just with the alcoholism, but the fact that I was alone and I was scared of being alone totally if EXABF broke it off. There, I said it. Itís out in the open. Thatís what kept me tied for way too long. the loneliness. What changed this time? I did. I wanted more than the roller coaster ride of what our life had become. If I was going to be alone, I wanted the peace and solitude of living alone, not being alone which is how I always felt with EXABF.

He was a white knuckler, a dry drunk who believed he could "do it on his own." He relapsed time and time again and each time, I went back for more because I didn't want to be alone.

I realized that even though my mom is back East, she loves and supports me (I am an only child), I have good neighbours, starting to make friends through Al-Anon and the bookstore where I volunteer and they all like me for me. Ad my age (53), I am taking courses toward an Accounting degree and am going to school part time starting next month.

Heck, talking my dog for a walk today-I had at least 6 people wave at me, say hi to us that made me feel so good and a lot less alone. Thatís why I blocked EXABF out of my life finally, once ad for all because I know that I am not alone as long as I have friends and neighbours and people here who like me for me, no strings attached.

There's being alone (living with alcoholism) and living alone. For me, I can differentiate between the two now and realize that living alone in peace and solitude beats the lonlieness of living with an alcoholic.
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Hey, don't be ashamed-I did the same thing.

I was off and on with my exabf for 3.5 yrs mainly because of the terrible loneliness I would feel when we broke up.

I finally learned a very IMPORTANT lesson. Until you can be alone, and can be HAPPY being alone, finding a good relationship will be a struggle. You'll be in danger of jumping into another dysfunctional union just to avoid being alone.
The only man I have or want in my life right now has 4 legs, sleeps on my bed, burps, farts, snores and demands dinner at 5pm........

I can't say "never", but I don't see a relationship for me for a good, long time, if ever.

I'm enjoying the alone time as opposed to the loneliness of living with an A.

Oh, and where I moved is a beautiful city on the West Coast, just a bonus.
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Old 04-16-2011, 11:27 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I am VERY uncomfortable with the way GoldenGirl was treated here. Very confrontational, with boundary violations and control issues wrapped in. From what I can see, she hasn’t posted since she last responded to sailorjohn. LOTS of people did address her actual question. I think it was a good topic, so I am sorry to see that she’s left the house, if that’s the case.

This is what I see: she asked someone she had a negative interaction on this board with- and who supposedly said he wouldn’t post on her threads- to not post on her threads. That’s setting a personal boundary. That’s good and needs no one’s endorsement. (What’s kind of cool, from my perspective, is that she demonstrated that she might be just the person to manage a friendship with an A ex- she’s good at boundaries! Also she showed that that we do have different skill sets and may be at different places in recovery.)

Then, here, that boundary got ignored and violated, and when it was ignored and violated, some people approved of it and she even got taken on for setting and voicing her boundary at one point. Furthermore, some of the “do’s and don’ts” in the sticky above (“Attention FFA members”) were violated, and some of the issues that Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans raise in their books come to mind. This really makes me uncomfortable and thought I’d note it, especially since boundary and control issues are codie 101 stuff.

GoldenGirl, I hope you’re not gone. I appreciate the topic and examination you started.
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