Am I Being Unreasonable? My job has been 100% for sure cut for next year. In my state there are NO jobs in my field and I have received an offer from my old school in MA (that I LOVED!) to return there to teach. Doing this would mean having to move the whole family. Or would mean me leaving and just going with my girls. "R"AH (who I am have not committed to not wanting to stay married to- at least today) has told me that the options he sees as realistic are the following: 1. I move to MA alone, the girls stay with him. 2. We all stay in our state. (what I do for work, what we do about paying bills- who knows- but this means he keeps his job and stays right where he wants to be) He says he will not consider moving bc it is not "appealing" to him. I didn't realize that making decisions about what is necessary for our family during a financial crisis should be based on "appeal". Then again I don't "get" 99.9% of how he thinks (even sober). What I wanted to say in response to the "not appealing" remark from him was...."Ummmm, losing my job is not appealing to me. Having an A/BPD H is not appealing to me. Teaching the subject I teach is not appealing to me but I've done it for the past few yrs bc it's where there were jobs. Living in the town I grew up in bc we came here for a failed business venture of yours is not appealing...." (you get the idea). My H seems to think that life is about what feels good for him and seems totally unwilling to make sacrifices. I seem to think that life is about being an adult and doing things that are necessary whether it's what you WANT to do or whether it's "appealing" or not. If I'm being unreasonable and missing something that I should be considering here (he seems to think that his wants should be the top priority) please do tell me! (seriously). What I am getting from what he is and isn't saying is that he wants to stay here, he doesn't want to compromise anything (big shock there) and I should find a way to stay here with out a job and still somehow be able to come up with money to keep our house and life the way we live (which is NOT extravagant at all). |
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
(Post 2935104)
"R"AH (who I am have not committed to not wanting to stay married to- at least today) has told me Either way, it seems the universe is handing you a big, fat, flashing neon sign. What will you choose to do with it? L |
No, you are not being unreasonable at all. In fact, if it were me, I would speak with an attorney and tell him that I have a job lined up in another state and want to move there and take the girls with me. Just see what he says. Since you and your husband are not divorced or even legally separated, I believe you have the right to take your children with you, so long as you aren't hiding from him. Ask legal counsel about that. But, to answer your question, no, you are not being unreasonable and it's my opinion that you give him way too much input as it is. But, that's just me. :tongue: |
Sorry- I am exhausted and not making sense I guess... I am not committed to getting divorced... I guess I am still hoping to stick it out (even if it's separately for a while)... So... because of that, moving away knowing that he doesn't want to come kind of means I have to decide to be done and I don't think I am (ready to be done). I'm just confused. |
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
(Post 2935121)
So... because of that, moving away knowing that he doesn't want to come kind of means I have to decide to be done and I don't think I am (ready to be done). |
Life decisions are hard enough when you are in a healthy relationship. Add in an A partner and making good decisions can be horrid. I think you need to try to have a conversation with him stating your opinions on it all. If you stay there how will the bills get paid? How does he see this working? Perhaps ask him to show you how it will work? Not sure if it will help but before you made a decision I personally think you need to try another discussion with him. It maybe a fork in the road of life for you. You may need to determine what is best for you, even if he does not find it appealing. I do not think you are being unreasonable. You seem to be logically thinking it out. Good luck! |
Originally Posted by suki44883
(Post 2935118)
No, you are not being unreasonable at all. In fact, if it were me, I would speak with an attorney and tell him that I have a job lined up in another state and want to move there and take the girls with me. Just see what he says. Since you and your husband are not divorced or even legally separated, I believe you have the right to take your children with you, so long as you aren't hiding from him. Ask legal counsel about that. But, to answer your question, no, you are not being unreasonable and it's my opinion that you give him way too much input as it is. But, that's just me. :tongue: |
Originally Posted by Alone22
(Post 2935128)
Life decisions are hard enough when you are in a healthy relationship. Add in an A partner and making good decisions can be horrid. I think you need to try to have a conversation with him stating your opinions on it all. If you stay there how will the bills get paid? How does he see this working? Perhaps ask him to show you how it will work? Not sure if it will help but before you made a decision I personally think you need to try another discussion with him. It maybe a fork in the road of life for you. You may need to determine what is best for you, even if he does not find it appealing. I do not think you are being unreasonable. You seem to be logically thinking it out. Good luck! I don't want to make a rash decision but I won't let his waffling make me waffle. I guess I'll come up with questions we need to address and if he continues to choose to avoid (his m.o. to life) then I will decide alone. |
Well, it sounds to me like you have to figure out what it is you really want. But, at the same time, you should be realistic. Do you really think that he is going to change? Are you willing to live with him exactly the way he is today? Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed? Before you can make any kind of decisions about work, you first need to decide what it is you truly want. |
That is a hard one. Just remember that it isn't always black and white. Make a choice that is going to be in your best interest. Just do the next right thing. You don't always have to be able to predict what that is going to mean in 6 months. That was so hard for me. Do the next right thing today. Tomorrow I'll do the next 'next right thing.' based on the information I have at the time. Could moving be 'the end'. It could be, you'd have to be prepared for that. You aren't divorced until a judge signs a paper though so moving is not the same as divorcing. If he is in recovery, and he gets further in recovery, and if you have not nailed the door shut on the marriage, it is possible that he would eventually follow you there or you could move back. It is so hard to just do the right thing for today and let tomorrow take care of itself but when I started doing that, I became 'unstuck'. A house is just a house. You can always get another house. ETA: I would get a quick consult in with a lawyer. |
Originally Posted by suki44883
(Post 2935136)
Well, it sounds to me like you have to figure out what it is you really want. But, at the same time, you should be realistic. Do you really think that he is going to change? Are you willing to live with him exactly the way he is today? Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed? Before you can make any kind of decisions about work, you first need to decide what it is you truly want. As far as this: Why did you separate (sort of) from him in the first place? Has any of that changed? We HAVE been separated for about 2 months. He has been here at the house most afternoons for an hour or so to see the kids at the suggestion of their therapist. He is staying here right now bc of my weakness last night and giving in to manipulation. Prior to that he stayed here with our kids alone while I was in the hospital during the past week. I might not be separated in the way that you or others feel is right but I am doing the best I can and I know that. For all that I dislike his A behaviors, it hurts his kids for me to ban him from the house and there's no reason for me to do that (unless he is violent). Why we separated: He made a million and one promises after a bad weekend long bender in Jan. He kept none of them. I made idle threats about how I couldn't take it but did nothing different. Then he made new promises and I came home one day, saw beer cans in the driveway and decided enough was enough and packed up and left. It wasn't one major event. It was me deciding I was not willing to live with him as he was anymore. Has anything changed? I'm not sure. I haven't really been around him except when the girls are awake so we haven't interacted a ton. He IS in an outpatient rehab program. He IS going to T. I am not asking him about AA, his sponsor, his interactions with his family and I am sticking up for myself a lot more than ever before which seems to stop him in his tracks at times. There are a lot more variables to this possible move than I'd thought... Guess it's good I am posting and thinking this through... |
Originally Posted by Thumper
(Post 2935150)
That is a hard one. Just remember that it isn't always black and white. Make a choice that is going to be in your best interest. Just do the next right thing. You don't always have to be able to predict what that is going to mean in 6 months. That was so hard for me. Do the next right thing today. Tomorrow I'll do the next 'next right thing.' based on the information I have at the time. Could moving be 'the end'. It could be, you'd have to be prepared for that. You aren't divorced until a judge signs a paper though so moving is not the same as divorcing. If he is in recovery, and he gets further in recovery, and if you have not nailed the door shut on the marriage, it is possible that he would eventually follow you there or you could move back. It is so hard to just do the right thing for today and let tomorrow take care of itself but when I started doing that, I became 'unstuck'. ETA: I would get a quick consult in with a lawyer. I want to be able to provide for my children and this job is the only offer on the table right now (I will be paid thru Aug so it's not dire that I take something this second). For security and feeling like one thing in my life is in control I want to just take this job. But I guess I need to think about all the pieces of the puzzle... I appreciate everyone's responses-- you're helping me think through this in ways I hadn't yet... |
Then I guess he'd have to make coming to you his priority. :hug: I know it is a really hard decision. It is hard to figure out what is right considering all factors. Wishing you peace in your decision....and maybe an awesome job offer closer by to give you some more leeway. |
Talk to a lawyer to see if taking the girls without him is even an option. It sounds like a great opportunity. |
Thanks JDS. That does sound really similar.... and right now it's the girls and whether I feel okay pulling them away from what they know AND pulling them away from their dad that are really impacting my feelings... I have sacrificed since we moved to NH- and we came here bc of my H (which is why I left my job I loved in the first place) and I feel like it's his turn to make some compromises/sacrifices. I guess if he's unwilling to then I'll just decide what I want and if it means he stays behind, then so be it. His selfishness is just overwhelming. |
So, you mentioned that he is going to outpatient treatment and seeing a counselor. Are these his choices? Or, is this a requirement imposed on him by the courts? Does he make enough money to pay the bills if you aren't working? I mean, if you choose to stay as he is suggesting, and you don't find another job, how will you make ends meet? If you leave, and he were to decide to come with you, what would he do for work....and would you be able to make it on your salary alone? Basically, who is the bigger breadwinner here? |
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
(Post 2935151)
We HAVE been separated for about 2 months. He has been here at the house most afternoons for an hour or so to see the kids at the suggestion of their therapist. He is staying here right now bc of my weakness last night and giving in to manipulation. Prior to that he stayed here with our kids alone while I was in the hospital during the past week. I might not be separated in the way that you or others feel is right but I am doing the best I can and I know that.. The real reason I posted, however, is to note that you seem to be equating moving/accepting the position with divorce. They are not one and the same, although I do understand how one could lead to the other. But, try to remember, you are making a choice about the job, not about divorce. Maybe that will make it less complicated. HE seems to be the one making it about divorce. And, at least to me, that speaks volumes about him. I hope you don't let him manipulate you out of something good. L |
I have a cousin who was in very much the position you now find yourself. She stayed because her family didn't want to move. She's been unemployed for 27 months now, is on the verge of bankruptcy, the H is drugging and drinking as if things were perfectly normal, and she is feeling more (WAY MORE) stressed out than she was when she first lost her job. She had the opportunity to move to another state, be closer to her family, live rent-free on a 50 acre estate 10 miles from a nice city.... but she didn't. She stayed so that everyone else could live their lives as if there was nothing wrong. Well there's plenty wrong now! No money to move even if she wanted to. Upside down on the house way more than she was back then. Her youngest is in high school now. Car is in disrepair. NO jobs anywhere. 200 people line up for $8.50/hour at Home Depot and 1/2 of them have college degrees. What's the saying? "Now the hen has come home to roost!" In this economy *I* believe it is best to be very proactive. |
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
(Post 2935232)
So, you mentioned that he is going to outpatient treatment and seeing a counselor. Are these his choices? Or, is this a requirement imposed on him by the courts? Does he make enough money to pay the bills if you aren't working? I mean, if you choose to stay as he is suggesting, and you don't find another job, how will you make ends meet? If you leave, and he were to decide to come with you, what would he do for work....and would you be able to make it on your salary alone? Basically, who is the bigger breadwinner here? I told him last night that if he wants to stay that's fine but I will be making a decision based on what is best for the girls and I, not just on my personal preference and I let him know that I found it very selfish that that's how he's making decisions but also said that his honesty was appreciated bc it helps me see things more clearly- and it does. |
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:24 PM. |