goldengirl3

Supposedly one of the big things my ex liked about me was how laid-back and go with the flow I was when we started dating.

Somewhere along with the way in our relationship, it went to far. It was all about him. I think it worked in the beginning because we both wanted to do the same things. But he shifted the things he wanted to do, I didn't want to do them and there was no compromise. (one of many many problems I mean)

How many of you consider yourselves laid-back like I was? I read so many stories on here where the relationship became all about them. Just curious to know how many are like I was?

julienamana

HAHA how funny you should ask I always have people tell me im laid back and go with the flow, funny the only guys who ever put it that way were oh so happy they could have their own way all the time. thats something im working on its cool to be laid back but throwing an opinion in there once in a while dosent hurt. I had a friend tell me that an x said about me, I miss Julie, she never complained, she was so easy to be around, but may I say X one more time lol he was more attacted to a super difficult girl and she has kept his interest much longer than I did, so....yah

goldengirl3

lol. I think that is how they remember us. "She was so easy to get along with...." Makes me think that people who always want their way look for our type. But is that really bad? Everyone has their complement. I know I will definitely look out for that next time...someone who might be looking for someone like me because they only want their way.

julienamana

yes but on the other hand, all men want thier way all the time, seems I get left in the dust alot though, got a book for you, had some great results with it, why men love bitches hahahhaha its not what you think its super funny but shows you the difference between being a a guys dreamgirl or doormat, makes alot of damn sense and its been working for me lately. Just learning to be direct seems to have made the biggest difference I used to dance around what I was trying to say, use euphamisms, stall, but now I just say it, with love, but I just say it and many people in my life have thanked me for it

goldengirl3

lol. I've wondered that a lot lately. Aren't they all really that way?

So we're screwed.

I have read that book. It's pretty good.

sailorjohn

Alcoholism is all about control, alcoholics try to control their drinking, other people. As do codependents.

Looking out for it is a good idea, but if you're like a lot of us here that is what you will attract/be attracted to, unless you do a lot of work on yourself.

Just sayin'

julienamana

Exaclty and thats me, I have I love alcoholics secretly imprinted in my forehead while I sleep so working a serious program in alanon and going to some coda meetings, im finally ready for the cycle to stop its been painful but inspiring at the same time and this is just the beginning, yikes

LaTeeDa

I was the absolute opposite of laid back and go with the flow. Both when we met and all throughout the 20-year marriage. I am much more laid back now.

Personally, I think it's about neediness. Alcoholics need enablers and codependents need to be needed.

L

duqld1717

I was like you at the beginning. I was up for anything-drinking, tailgating, parties, whatever. I feel like I'm really easy to get along with because I'm very laid back and I just like being around people so it doesn't really matter what I'm doing. However, when it became 24/7 drinking, partying and 50 million people around all the time I stopped being so easy going. I felt like I had no say anymore. If I wanted to relax and watch a movie at home on a friday night, I had to do it alone. There was no compromising as well. When that happened, he didn't like me anymore. I think I will know when I've met the right person because he will compromise with me no matter what it is. I always say its not always about doing what you love, but doing something with the one you love because you know they enjoy it.

goldengirl3

I've never wanted to have kids and hate kids.

But sometimes I've wondered...maybe I just wanted a great big kid to take care of. lol.

duqld1717

I have also read that book Why Men Love B*tches and also Why Men Marry B*tches. I think if you read the book and do what is says, it WILL work on healthy men. Healthy being the key word. I think all rules go out the window when you are dealing with A's. They operate on their own set of rules, clocks, and worlds. The book wouldn't work on them. I tried acting more assertive and with more of an opinion towards my XABF and it actually made him hate me more lol. You really can't trick them or get them to treat you different, they are too set in their ways and selfishness.

Shellcrusher

Ahem.

julienamana

yup and im the enabling needy one and working hard to change that, my god its tough but im getting there slowly

julienamana

absolutely agree! funny though some of it does work on my guy but it was mainly the changes I made in me, especially being direct, that works with any man because thats how they are made, most men just say whatever they have to say and dont worry about your feelings so they like it when women are like that too but with a little more caring on about how they are going to feel when you say it. Also the not being as available and showing them you have a life other than them seems to work too. But yes I would say most of it wont work with an alcoholic, my sponsor is trying it out on her recovering husband though and getting really great results

duqld1717

I agree that if you act less available and show men that you have your own life, that they find that attractive. My XABF loved when I did my own thing. However, the only reason he liked that was because he could go get as drunk as he wanted without me there nagging him. I think it also demonstrated to him that I was independent and in his sick and twisted mind, that suggested that I was strong and could take care of him and not need him too much. It actually enabled him more to drink because he felt "safe" like I would always pick up the pieces because I was acting so strong. So yeahhh, you really can't win with an A, even when you do the the independent thing.

LaTeeDa

This thread has taken a really uncomfortable turn.

Trying out "techniques" in order to "get results?" That's what you do to improve your golf game, not your marriage. It smacks of manipulation to me.

L

sailorjohn

Gee, and all along I thought the idea was how to live a life without the need to control someone else. My bad.

duqld1717

The book is actually about being assertive and expressing your wants and needs within a relationship which is healthy. So many people lose themselves and get taken advantage of in relationships because they let the other person be their eyes, ears, and mouth. They get walked all over because they don't speak up. We aren't saying we are trying to control men, we are saying we are controlling our own behaviors which in turn make men respect us more because we have an opinion which is better than not having one at all. Or at least it should make a HEALTHY man respect you more. That is, if you know who you are in a relationship and display it.

And, we are saying having an opinion and standing your ground doesn't work in a relationship with an A because they go off their own rules.

I also want to add that the word B.I.T.C.H. in the book stands for Bitch In Total Control of Herself.

LaTeeDa

IMO, doing anything in order to get someone else to react in a certain way is manipulation and not healthy.

Not saying being assertive is bad, but if your motivation for doing it is to change someone else.........*sigh*

L

duqld1717

Well, from now on I would rather have an opinion and be assertive and say what I like and dislike in a relationship so someone knows I have a brain. I did the doormat thing and it didn't turn out so well. I'm not trying to do anything to get anyone to react a certain way or change. I am simply going to act like I have a backbone and if they respect me for it GREAT...if they don't, SEE YA.