How many of you here consider yourselves to be laid-back or go with the flow?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I don't like books that refer to "bitches" even if its meant in a "good way".
Also I don't think any guy is looking for a book to attract ME or is worried about attracting ME. Or trying to figure me out. That dynamic seems to me like saying "you woman are inferior and NEED a man to survive" which is not true nowadays Thank God.
I can hunt my own mamut now and cook it too.
I don't like books about how to attract a mate or have someone marry me.
As if you were a piece of meat trying to market yourself for... anyone.
It is disrespectful to me.
I don't have to "show" anything. I don't have to appear to have a life. Having an actual life is more fun and less focused on others opinions...
olo
I say this after being 28 years trying to make others happy and being a doormat.
Also I am no one's "dreamgirl". I am me and that's all there is.
I don't like it when its all about how females will attract males. I believe in biology its the females that have to compare between the males and chose "the fittest" to improve the species. (That hasn't turned out so well
)
Anyway just wanted to voice my opinions I don't say I am right or anything....
I am just sick about how I have to be or act or look or think a "certain way" instead of how I already am, what I already do, how I already look and what I already think...
I don't want to have children or anything either so my "caring" tendencies are very well served with two cats. And myself.
If someone comes along it has to be the cherry of the cake not the whole cake.
Oh also I don't like when its "men are.." or "women are"... we are all dififerent and unique beings... although I agree toxic people have similar traits... victims/martyrs have similar traits.... disrespectful people have similar traits... but in the world I want to inhabit I don't have to interact with any of those...
Thanks for letting me share and ramble..
Also I don't think any guy is looking for a book to attract ME or is worried about attracting ME. Or trying to figure me out. That dynamic seems to me like saying "you woman are inferior and NEED a man to survive" which is not true nowadays Thank God.
I can hunt my own mamut now and cook it too.
I don't like books about how to attract a mate or have someone marry me.
As if you were a piece of meat trying to market yourself for... anyone.
It is disrespectful to me.
I don't have to "show" anything. I don't have to appear to have a life. Having an actual life is more fun and less focused on others opinions...
olo
I say this after being 28 years trying to make others happy and being a doormat.
Also I am no one's "dreamgirl". I am me and that's all there is.
I don't like it when its all about how females will attract males. I believe in biology its the females that have to compare between the males and chose "the fittest" to improve the species. (That hasn't turned out so well
)Anyway just wanted to voice my opinions I don't say I am right or anything....
I am just sick about how I have to be or act or look or think a "certain way" instead of how I already am, what I already do, how I already look and what I already think...
I don't want to have children or anything either so my "caring" tendencies are very well served with two cats. And myself.
If someone comes along it has to be the cherry of the cake not the whole cake.
Oh also I don't like when its "men are.." or "women are"... we are all dififerent and unique beings... although I agree toxic people have similar traits... victims/martyrs have similar traits.... disrespectful people have similar traits... but in the world I want to inhabit I don't have to interact with any of those...
Thanks for letting me share and ramble..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I prefer the term Confident.
But confidence can only come about if you are confident in yourself FIRST.
It is an inner thing that comes from a place of self acceptance.
If you are confident in/with your relationships, then you do have a voice.
Insecurity can be sensed a mile away by someone else. So you can assert yourself all you want but if you still aren't secure in what you are doing/who you are then all the books or techniques in a book won't matter IMHO.
It isn't about 'them' and how they are doing things, it is about 'you' understanding why you react to those things.
Look within grasshopper
But confidence can only come about if you are confident in yourself FIRST.
It is an inner thing that comes from a place of self acceptance.
If you are confident in/with your relationships, then you do have a voice.
Insecurity can be sensed a mile away by someone else. So you can assert yourself all you want but if you still aren't secure in what you are doing/who you are then all the books or techniques in a book won't matter IMHO.
It isn't about 'them' and how they are doing things, it is about 'you' understanding why you react to those things.
Look within grasshopper
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
This is a great thread!
I used to be painfully shy, and could never say 'no' to anyone. Imagine. And yet, I also had a wicked temper...
I like control. I like being the one with the answers, the one people come to. I had to let go of the rage. And when I did, magically, I came to see ABF's alcoholism in a different light.
Now, I'm so much better than ever. I can say 'I don't think so' if 'no' is too harsh. I can say 'I don't know' without emotional trauma. I can walk away in pain without losing my temper. These are things I've learned in the last 4 years.
People tell me I don't know how to relax. What I think is that I don't relax the same way they do!
- Sylvie
I used to be painfully shy, and could never say 'no' to anyone. Imagine. And yet, I also had a wicked temper...
I like control. I like being the one with the answers, the one people come to. I had to let go of the rage. And when I did, magically, I came to see ABF's alcoholism in a different light.
Now, I'm so much better than ever. I can say 'I don't think so' if 'no' is too harsh. I can say 'I don't know' without emotional trauma. I can walk away in pain without losing my temper. These are things I've learned in the last 4 years.
People tell me I don't know how to relax. What I think is that I don't relax the same way they do!
- Sylvie
Alanon newbie on fire!
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: long beach CA
Posts: 32
I wasnt saying to use the book to control anyone, its for us girls that are too nice. Were not assertive enough and we make the guy the most important thing. Its for girls who are too available mainly becuase we lack confidence, they dont mean bitch in a mean way its more in a tounge and cheek fashion. Its not about manipulation its about learning to put yourself first and learning to be upfront and direct in your communication with the men in your life. Didnt mean to offend anyone
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by barb dwyer 
I'm so spontaneous even *I* don't know what I'm going to do next.
I am very laid back myself...but...BUT to a point...NEVER insult my intelligence, or you will see the quietly sleeping tiger get up, roar, and rip your throat out. Just sayin'.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I'm an ACA. Some positive adjectives that I think people would use to describe me are easy going, friendly, and helpful. When I first started my recovery I thought that some of my ACA traits were actually useful and made me more pleasant to be around.
However, underneath all the "positive" stuff was a really depressed woman. I was easy going because I was scared to make waves. I didn't have a strong opinion on anything because I wasn't really sure who I was.
Growing up in an alcoholic home is difficult and I was conditioned to just blend into the background and not cause any additional problems. As an adult I was a huge people pleaser and would do just about anything to keep everyone happy.
Not only was it affecting me in a negative way, but I remember how shocked I was when one day I read in a meditation book how difficult it is to be around "people pleasers". Difficult?!? It explained how hard it is to know how someone truly feels when they only tell you what they think you want to hear. Interesting ....
I think I'm still easy going, friendly, and helpful. There's a certain part of this that is just in my personality.
However, recovery is teaching me that I count too. That I can have opinions, desires, and goals that are just as important as everyone else's.
It has actually been fun figuring out who I am and what my likes and dislikes are. I'm in my late 40's ... guess it's never to late.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
However, underneath all the "positive" stuff was a really depressed woman. I was easy going because I was scared to make waves. I didn't have a strong opinion on anything because I wasn't really sure who I was.
Growing up in an alcoholic home is difficult and I was conditioned to just blend into the background and not cause any additional problems. As an adult I was a huge people pleaser and would do just about anything to keep everyone happy.
Not only was it affecting me in a negative way, but I remember how shocked I was when one day I read in a meditation book how difficult it is to be around "people pleasers". Difficult?!? It explained how hard it is to know how someone truly feels when they only tell you what they think you want to hear. Interesting ....
I think I'm still easy going, friendly, and helpful. There's a certain part of this that is just in my personality.
However, recovery is teaching me that I count too. That I can have opinions, desires, and goals that are just as important as everyone else's.
It has actually been fun figuring out who I am and what my likes and dislikes are. I'm in my late 40's ... guess it's never to late.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I find I am more laid back now. Before I spent too much time trying to please. That is crazy making since I was never happy with the "pleasee"
I am really enjoying my new found "laid back ness" New man (NM) said something the other day that I liked--"It is what it is"--I talked to him and his thought was things occur-how we react to them is what it is-and we determine what that is.
Had a weird thing happen this weekend when NM was trying to interact with older DS who was totally out of control. At one point he said something that made me extremely angry-which I told him about later. Then I told him that my kids, because of their mental health issues, would be doing whatever they could to put a wedge between us. That is a given. Then I felt this needy thing come over me and slammed on the brakes to let myself feel it--truly feel what I was feeling. Then I stopped it dead in its tracks. Wanting a relationship with someone-good. Needing it--not good. I was happy I had that moment of feeling needy. It helped me realize that if things don't work-they don't work. If they do, they do. It is, what it is.
I am really enjoying my new found "laid back ness" New man (NM) said something the other day that I liked--"It is what it is"--I talked to him and his thought was things occur-how we react to them is what it is-and we determine what that is.
Had a weird thing happen this weekend when NM was trying to interact with older DS who was totally out of control. At one point he said something that made me extremely angry-which I told him about later. Then I told him that my kids, because of their mental health issues, would be doing whatever they could to put a wedge between us. That is a given. Then I felt this needy thing come over me and slammed on the brakes to let myself feel it--truly feel what I was feeling. Then I stopped it dead in its tracks. Wanting a relationship with someone-good. Needing it--not good. I was happy I had that moment of feeling needy. It helped me realize that if things don't work-they don't work. If they do, they do. It is, what it is.
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