SoloMio

Best quote I read yesterday: From Tim Ferriss' 4-Hour Workweek:

Today is the last day of Codie Rehab :-(

I have decided to go home, at least for the time being. AH is still drinking, and although I feel I have really restored my "core" and put myself in a peaceful place spiritually, I realize the challenges ahead in confronting not only AH's behavior, but more importantly, my own. So, this is a test. If it doesn't work out, I'm outtie again.

So, I've already gotten my first test. I feel I need to approach every new situation as if I were a "born-again," purpose-driven, emotionally healthy and well-adjusted person (in other words, fake it til you make it).

Here's the situation:
AH calls this morning. He knows I'm coming home. He asks if I'm interested in joining him at some kind of a luncheon that he's attending with three people. One of them is a friend he knows from a couple of bars he's frequented often--the other two are her parents--they belong to some historical something or other--something AH has absolutely NO interest in but he says that he's supporting them.

And as my dear departed MIL used to say, "And the band said I'll play it if you like."

OK, I already had my first slip: I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "Thanks for the invitation, but I need for you to know that from this point on, I am not going anywhere with you where alcohol is served. If you want to go, fine, but I'll see you later."

If I had been even braver I would have added, "Actually, I'm curious as to why you're interested in going to this type of a thing. I know you have no interest in the topic. If you want to support your friend, buying a ticket would be enough, don't you think?"

But what I said was, "Thanks for the invitation, but I already have lunch plans."

After meditating on this feeble response, I decided to call him back and tell him what I should have said, but got voice mail, and hung up. Should I leave a vmail, or send an email, or wait for him to return my call? I am committed to playing it straight from now on, and literally need guidance in the simplest of things. I will be going to my Thursday night Al-Anon back at my hometown.

Honestly, I feel like a baby trying to stand up for the first time.

suki44883

I think what you said is just fine. You don't have to (and it's really best not to) give reasons or let them know that your decision not to go has anything to do with alcohol. Why does he need to know that? He's going to do whatever he's going to do, and your recovery consists of not letting that affect you.

MyBetterWorld

I think you did fine too. Any other response would have been even more codie....You must be strong. I don't know if I could go on a nice getaway and have the courage or strength to go back to the madness.

kmkluvr1

I am not familiar with your situation, but it sounds like he knows that you have a problem with his drinking due the fact that you have "decided to go home". I think that what you "should have said" was good, but if you didnt that is fine, there were will be another time where you can tell him that. and what you did say was good too. I am not sure how your AH is but, for me, i can tell my XABF the same thing over and over again, and give my opinon on what i think he should or shouldnt do, but........it doesnt get me anywhere but frustrated, because it changes nothing, he doesnt listen to what i say, and just gets defensive.

Be strong and dont go out of your way to tell him what you think he should do, but yes letting him know that you will not go anywhere with him where alcohol is being served is a good idea, boundries.

sailorjohn

I don't think it was a feeble response at all.

I spent a lot of time in the past 'explaining my position'.

All I needed to do was to say it once.

SoloMio

Thanks! That makes me feel better.. I guess it's just that I have been planning on setting the boundary that I will not be going anywhere with him where alcohol is served.

Truthfully, I've heard alcoholism counselors say that that's a good boundary to have, but is that even a realistic boundary? Like, my daughter is hosting a benefit event that I really want to support--with $$ but also attendance. I expect AH feels the same, and we typically go to these events together. There will be a wine/beer bar. So, do I NOT go? Seems like that's punishing ME. But OTOH, the usual routine is, he "pre-games" at home before we leave and then we're driving into the city and he's already testy with the traffic and half drunk and we get into a fight before we even get there. It usually incurs a lot of stress.

I spoke with DD about it, and she said that she's planning on telling her dad that it's really important for her that he doesn't drink if he comes. So, maybe that's enough, and the rest is up to me to practice serenity so I can handle it better.

Acchh! Maybe I should just take this whole thing a day at a time.

Tuffgirl

Me, too. So much time saying the same thing in 25 different ways, hoping next time I can convince whomever it was I was telling it to (usually the RAH) that I was right/justified/heard/understood/whatever....

I think your response was great - and no further justification of your position is needed. You don't need to let him know you won't go anywhere near alcohol with him - your actions can show him that instead.

Verbena

You did great. Short and direct.

How we get ourselves into trouble is talking to much.

I live with an AH. I tell him what I'm going to do, "if" he needs to know.

Example: Tuesday, "I'm going to the Botanical Gardens with my garden group. I'll be back this evening."

Friday night:"No I'm not going to bonfire tonight. I'm exhausted.
I've already called the Smith's. You can go or not as you choose."

kittykitty

I agree with the others. Keep the answers short and sweet, and only explain if you really feel you have to. I try to remember/uncover my motivation when I have conversations with others:

Am I trying to change their minds with my response?

Am I saying these words for MY benefit, or for theirs?

Am I repeating how I feel about something/a boundary because it feel it didn't get through the first time? (Am I trying to "make a point")

Why am I saying this, what will the result be, and can I Let it Go if I don't get the response I want?

Asking these questions before I take part in conversations (which always seem to turn into arguements with an A) keeps me on the right track to serenity. All those tactics are manipulation, a character defect that i'm trying to shed. I don't owe anyone an explanation, I don't need to tell others what I think of what they are doing, or ask them to explain themselves. I don't want others talking to ME that way, so I won't talk to others that way anymore.

I think you did great!

suki44883

Regarding your daughter's function...don't go together. You don't have to not go just because he is going, but you don't have to go together.

SoloMio

Gosh, you guys are great.

You're right--why should I say "I'm never doing this with you and that with you because blah blah blah."

OK, so if I simply concentrate on ME (as I have been gratefully able to do for the last few weeks), any response I give at the time something comes up will organically come out of the work I have done on myself such as:

• Frequent Al-Anon meetings
• Renewed spiritual practice/readings
• Frequent yoga sessions
• Prayer
• Meditation
• Living in the moment

That makes whatever is on HIS list irrelevant, right? I think I get it!

wanttobehealthy

Here's the situation:
AH calls this morning. He knows I'm coming home. He asks if I'm interested in joining him at some kind of a luncheon that he's attending with three people. One of them is a friend he knows from a couple of bars he's frequented often--the other two are her parents--they belong to some historical something or other--something AH has absolutely NO interest in but he says that he's supporting them.

OK, I already had my first slip: I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "Thanks for the invitation, but I need for you to know that from this point on, I am not going anywhere with you where alcohol is served. If you want to go, fine, but I'll see you later."

This is precisely what I would have wanted to say, and have said versions of in the past and the result is always the same-- my saying things like this is an open invitation for AH to tell me I am judging him and ought to worry more about myself than what he is doing. If you are inclined to say this you know it's bc you are probably dead on about the fact that his "interest" in supporting his friend is really just a reason for a lunch out/drinks or possibly to see if he can ruffle your feathers. Don't give him the satisfaction of calling him on his bs. If he wants to lie to himself and pretend, you pointing out that that's what he is doing is just going to give him the ability to twist what you say and use it to rationalize more drinking. It's good you posted this here so you could say it but I'd not say it to him IMHO.

But what I said was, "Thanks for the invitation, but I already have lunch plans."

I am no expert at the right thing to say when (especially lately) but my gut response is that your reply was perfect! You said what you wanted, you didn't defend, explain or justify.

I'd leave it at that. I think that if you send continually clear messages he'll either figure out that you're not going to be places with him where alcohol is involved or he won't. But you telling him you won't go places with him where there's alcohol surely won't change his behavior-- he's going to do what he does and you were wise, I think, to leave it simple but clear.


Sounds to me like you're doing great!!!!

Buffalo66

What you responded with sounds more like keeping your side of the street clean to me than asking him why he is doing what he is doing.
Quite simply: Not your business why he is doing it.

And that other response would have invited an explanation, justification, argument, or other dance moves on his part.

I think you are learning more than you are giving yourself credit for, here, and should maybe redefine this as a successful response.

Great job!

StarCat

I think your actual answer was the best one.

We don't have to explain, we just have to stick to our own actions. Explaining is an attempt to get them to agree with us, and they won't.

This also makes your decision regarding your daughter's function easier. If you had said you're not going anywhere with him where they serve alcohol, and then went to your daughter's function, he could try to hold it over your head. "You said you wouldn't, but you did, so you are the hypocrite!"
You didn't give him enough information to do that.

It's not what you say, so much as what you do and why you do it that matters. And it looks like you've got a handle on that.