The Logistics of Leaving
 

This is a tough call. It took me a year of deliberation and financial planning. A year of observation and emotional accounting. Now I'm ready to go.... and I'm a crying tender jagged mess.

I'm trying to stay calm, and treat everyone with love. I could use help with the emotional side of the logistics. I found an apartment - ds was hyper and then cried in the parking lot. I told my HR director I may need some odd hours coming up, and she cried. I told my ABF's sister that I was planning on moving and got a tight-lipped 'I suppose you have to do what you think is best' - she's a counselor. I moved the money around online, and cried myself when I realized that this move puts me 2 1/2 years off my debt-repayment plan. One coworker asked me about it, and then just walked away, saying 'I've got to think about this!'. His wife works with ABF's sister. Small town.

I need to call people to help me move stuff, and I think they'll say 'you got yourself into this, you can get yourself out'. Or worse. Everyone tells me what a great guy he is, and implies that I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, or whatever. But they're not the ones listening to his drunken criticism, or wondering if he's dead when he's an hour late. Not the ones who know that if his buddy's bike is in the driveway, it's better to stay at a friend's house.

Plans help:
Today: finish a huge order, and get ready for Monday's presentation, and sell my mom's car. Tomorrow: get boxes, get ready for Monday's presentation, get the apartment keys. Try not to throw up. Pack essentials.
Friday: prep for the presentation, keep packing, call people to help.
Saturday: go for a run, pack, move. Go to the Eagle Scout ceremony. Get ds set at a friends house. Stay alone at the apartment.
Sunday: fly to LA, take myself out to dinner on the expense account, hopefully.
Monday: do the presentation, fly 'home'. Arrive at 11pm, to a new apartment. Alone.
Tuesday: keep breathing. pick up ds from school. unpack.

You see how many emotional pitfalls there are! It's less than a week. I can do this. Just, hold my hand, okay?

Thank you,

- Sylvie

:hug: You can do this and we're here to help you in any way we can. You have a pretty full plate, but it looks like you've divided everything into manageable chunks for several days. Just come on here and yell for support if you feel yourself needing a little emotional boost. We're great boosters! :)

((((Sylvie))))...

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! The thing I've learned through my recovery is that some people are just not healthy for me, and going to them for support/validation isn't a good idea. Find those healthy people and stick with them.

Deep breaths, and you WILL get through this. We are here for you because WE care and understand all too well how this feels for you.

You're eating an elephant... do it one bite at time.

So just for today... focus on that, and step by step, you'll climb that mountain!

have you read some of my recent posts? Yeah, I believe the crying is the grieving process, like I've hit "acceptance" stage now, and all the emotions from the denial stage are coming out.

You CAN do it!

you CAN do this.

This is a very emotionally tumultuous time. Try to remember HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and be gentle with yourself. Take some time to breeeeeathe every day. Expect emotional ups and down, and even periods of feeling nothing. Prepare your stock responses to people who may not react well to the news, i.e. "I don't care to discuss this right now. Thank you for understanding".

Keep us posted!

Hold your hand?

You got it.

Come here often. We will walk with you.

I am with you.
It sounds like so much, but you are compartmentalizing things well, and when it is over, you will have triumphed.

And, as many people here repeat often, Remember

"what other people think about me is none of my business.."

All you have to tell them is, 'that's what I'm doing'.

F**k 'em if they give you any flak.

I think you'll be okay.

I most certainly will hold your hand!

You are a strong capable woman.
You can endure just about anything in the short term and soon this will all be a memory
you recount for those needing the encouragement of your experience.
I have been where you are.
I packed a 14' truck myself with only a few guys last minute to load a few heavy things.
I had to plan, plot, and muddle through a week long ordeal of moving and hauling myself, a full house of stuff, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and 3 horses 7 hours away from XABF. He spent that time drunk and numb.
I made it through that hell with a new insight into my superhero deep within and you will find the same in yourself.

We are here for you!!

Keep posting.
Keep breathing.
Keep moving forward.

It only feels like you're climbing a mountain until you reach the summit.

Hugs!!

Alice

How many hands do you have? :) I'll hold a hand, too. It's rough, especially on the kiddos, which makes it even harder on us. It makes a little it easier to remember that it's best for you; it's best for your little one; you have valid reasons for needing to move out and you didn't make the decision lightly.

We're here for you to talk with when you need to.

Just one step at a time, Sylvie. You can do this!

Hugs (oops, hard to do with so much hand-holding). You are doing GREAT.

Remember, one day at a time gets us where we are going.

It is so inspiring to read about people who are actually taking the right steps to better their lives. Good for you!

I'm here to offer my 2 hands and four very large paws from puppy dog, all full of of hugs, love and support.

It's an emotionally charged time and while you have lots to do and think about, just remember to take it in small chunks and no matter how busy you are or how overwhelmed you feel, take a bit of time for yourself - to breathe, to relax and de-clutter your mind.

We are all here for you 24/7........

Thank you ~ words fail me for the gratitude I have for you.

I woke up in the night again, not crying this time, but PISSED. So angry - and using his words 'How could you do this to us? You knew what I was like when we started!' My fists were clenched so hard it hurt.

That made it easier this morning when he cried as I was boxing up books. He said that although he wasn't willing to go to AA, he was willing to 'deal with the issue'. I looked him straight in his face and said 'In order for us to be together, you need to stop drinking now, and permanently.' He agreed to that... but those were my words, not his. And he hasn't quit, not when he blacked out and attacked me, not when he got a DUI, not when I said I won't live like this anymore. He always has an excuse to start up again. When he agreed to it this morning, I did not wrap my arms around him and tell him I'd changed my mind. I told him I was glad he'd made that decision, and that we'll see how things go. Then I turned my back on him and kept packing.

I came to work and cried in the bathroom. I keep throwing up. I got my period this morning. I have a headache. I haven't even told key family members yet. It's raining, and will keep raining through the move.

This is good - I feel like I'm whining. As hard as this is, I have it so much easier than so many other people leaving alcoholics. There's enough money (barely), there's plenty of support, there's minimal drama.

We move in 24 hours.

- Sylvie

Aw, Sylvie. If it helps at all, I remember what it's like to cry in the bathroom at work, to be so upset it makes you puke, to hear the promises and be unable to believe them anymore. From my experience, the part you are going through now is THE HARDEST part. It will get better. Probably not all at once, but slowly. And one day you will realize you aren't sad anymore. And that your life is good again. I promise. :)

I wish I could come help you pack.

L

Sylvie, I'm sending you giant hugs! You did so well in the face of such an emotional conversation.

I'm sorry you've been puking, but it's obviously a physical reaction to all the stress you've been under. Your body is doing what you are doing: purging the bad stuff out.

you'll be ok! We'll be here for you when you need some support or just some laughter.

I'll echo LTD. This is the hardest part. Hang in there. :hug:

Oh Sylvie!!! Here's a big ole cyber hug!!!

:grouphug:

I know what you mean about the night time! It's the WORST. I woke up last night in a full on sweat/panic attack because I was having a dream fight with AH. There are sooo many emotions going on right now. What seems to help me best when they do that is to just sit and feel them. Like waves crashing over me. I don't react or even talk, just sit with them and wait for it to subside... and this too DOES pass.

One step at a time.

Can I make a suggestion? Stop talking to him about his stuff. You made your decision to go - leave it at that. Talking about things only muddy's the water.

I'm done talking to AH. There's nothing more to say. I've made up my mind - I want a divorce. Period. What he choses to do or not do - his business. He may sober up, maybe not. He may find recovery, he may not. Either way... I'm moving on and I'm not open to discuss things. The only thing I want to talk about is how we are going to settle custody and assets.


Focus on you and hand him over to his HP!

Ahhh - shoot - I remember being there only a few short months ago - in your shoes. It does get better and easier, but I still cry. Just not at the office anymore. That first month was brutal. BRUTAL!

Sending you hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers. Hang in there. The best is yet to come.

~T

When our rational mind makes a decision that the heart has a hard time with...like when we go no contact and we long to see them again....we are sad and depressed.
When both the head and heart make the decision as one....as you are going through now....it is total physical and emotional mayhem!

In the last week with my EX as I was packing, working, caring for pets, making calls, arranging the truck and trailer, busy busy busy. I thought I was going completely insane. I was vomiting, I had laughing spells, I cried, I had stomach pains, I also had my period, I had headaches and dizziness, I would jump at the slightest sound, I felt blue, I felt euphoric, I had adrenaline rushes.

I was a one-woman encyclopedia of medical disease!

So many here can say the same thing.

It will all be over soon and the internal chaos will resolve as the external chaos does.

Stay strong. Have faith!

Alice