iloveme

I'm riding the rollercoaster and I can't find the conductor!
This ride isn't fun anymore and I am filled with ambivallence.

I just need a hug.
I am looking at apartments.
I have nothing left, my well is empty, my tank is on "E"

I have reached my rock bottom in this addiction.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

suki44883

There!

Buffalo66

This is good news for your authentic, healthier self!

Might take some growing pains, but we are here for you!

iloveme

Thank you,
I am sooooo heart broken and I honestly don't know why........I always thought I had more courage, I thought I was stronger, I can't beat this. My God this IS MY ADDICTION!

Well, one way to kill something is to not FEED it!

I am a wreck.

StarCat

It is difficult. Sometimes we're so addicted to the drama, other times we take on all this responsibility that isn't ours, and other times we're just so afraid of all the "what ifs"... It's difficult to finally set out and take care of ourselves!

You may feel you have nothing right now - and in some ways that may be partially true, because the alcoholics in our lives take so much and rarely give back...

But now you have your own life, which is the most important thing you can ever have, and now you can fill it with what you want! You can decorate your life exactly the way you want, do the things you enjoy, without worrying about someone throwing a hissy fit because you're not spending all your time pampering him and enabling him.

It's a clean slate. A brand new life.
How exciting!


It's really hard, at first.
I think I spent most of my Christmas vacation sleeping.
That said, once I started to force myself to get up and do things, I discovered what an amazing gift I had just given myself.

It's your life now.

Sylvie66

Definitely, I'm afraid of the what-ifs! But, as I said to my ABF this morning, while I don't know what I'm doing, I DO know what it's like living with him in an alcoholic household, so I'm taking my chances. Who knew I had an endpoint?

Go get a hug! I'm accepting them from my coworkers, and we're technogeeks.

- Sylvie

Freedombound

I have come to that realization too. My AH is my addiction. So that makes 2 of us that are sick. Well I plan on getting better!!

nodaybut2day

Try to remember that as uncomfortable as this is, no one ever died from discomfort, and in the end, it will pass. Day by day, hour by hour, time marches on, whether we're in pain or not. You'll get through this!

Sending your big ol' cyber hugs.

theuncertainty

Hope you're feeling a little better today. Yeah, the ride pretty much sucks. But you can see the exit sign now, right? Just keep your eyes on your goal and take care of the next step in your plan to get there. And keep on hoping!

nodaybut2day

How are you today iloveme??

coffeedrinker

ilove,

you do have something left, but it is buried. you will unearth that, and it will be powerful.

we experience true and lasting growth out of brokenness.

(((hugs)))

Shellcrusher

coffeedrinker is right. You have all this somewhere and it's buried. Take it step by step, day by day. You will start coming out of the hole, so long as you work on it 1 shovel full at a time.
Yes, you will fall back down. Dust yourself off, and keep trying. It does get easier and it also gets harder.

I know that's such a blanket statement but it's true. Keep posting. Let your pain out. We'll be right here listening and living it with you.

Carol Star

You are not alone. We are all ONE.

starlight40

ilove me,

I am right there with you! As has already been said here you are not alone!

Let us know how you are doing. Sometime's when I feel like I'm about to lose it for good, I post on here and I'm always surounded by virtual hugs, and good advice!

XXXXXXXXXX

There is something left. The end of the tunnel is your new beginning. It is where I am now. I woke up again at my parents house. It is so peaceful here. Yesterday I enrolled my daughter in school and applied for a job. Today more unpacking.

Freedom is an amazing feeling right now. There are times I am sad, but so glad that I am off the ride

iloveme

Hi family!
I feel good. I am sad, because when I go I am won't be coming back. I do love him because I see him thru the eyes of God. I see what his addiction has stolen from him, I hear the lies that his addiction has whispered in his ear, and I believe the best in a man that choses to hold me hostage.

I am sad.

This is a incidious pain one that lingers deep one that has no cure. I can no sit quiet exchanging meekness for weakness, accepting full responsibility for all that has gone wrong in this three year love affair,

I could go on and on but most of here no the deal....... I am happy to have been blessed with an answer to prayer............Courage to move forward, detachment!

Letting go in love and kindness and prayer.

Thank you for your help.


I will admit that in the past I have gone from codependance to DEPENDANCE and that has been on my mind! I am going to post that next.

God Bless.

Tuffgirl

The "cure" is time to heal the pain. And time does heal. Hang in there - you sound really grounded already!

Stay strong!
~T

coffeedrinker

iloveme, have you read on these boards about the book "journey from abandonment to healing" by susan anderson?

it sounds as though it might be a good read/workbook for you.

keep hangin in there; this does take awhile....

sandrawg

I needed to read this today. I am feeling sicker than I ever have today after a codie relapse...thank you so much for posting!

Babyblue

Yup this thread is helping me too. Letting go is so so hard for me. It isn't what I am good at. I read it as: I failed. But you know what? I didn't fail. Nor did you.

Letting go of an A is hard not only because of the relationship itself but all the fears for him and his future, the end of a fantasy, fatigue from all the work it took to make things work.

Sometimes I feel like I have been clobbered in the gut by this disease in someone I love. When I feel like that I look around me at all the great things I have done for myself through my life, the awesome people who are HEALTHY and THERE for me (not disappearing).

So when I feel my thoughts drifting that dark isolating space, I try to reach out to the people who are there for me, online or in person, on a board like this, at work, they are everywhere. Sane, present people who like themselves.

I want to rejoin that crowd.. don't you? And we WILL.