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Detachment - reminders please!

Old 04-14-2011, 09:04 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Ahhh jeez, tuffy. You can't catch a break. You work so hard on you and then another set of issues enters your life.
Side note: I think we're related. Well up until you mentioned the 3 kids of your sister, I thought your sister was my wife.

Anywho, my MIL is an enabler and so is my FIL. My AW is 100% spoiled brat and never needed to do much to run her life. She never really grew up. I know this is slightly different but I've detached from my inlaws in a big way. It's not up to me to decide what they do or don't do for their daughter, my AW. Also, just like our alcoholic's, we need to let them live their life and grow up.
Shellcrusher- Perhaps your AW and my AH should meet. Not only would they hit it off swimmingly, but our in laws sound like mirror images. My H NEVER once did his own taxes (to me this seems odd). Always gave them to his mom to do. Same with checking acct. Until we got married, his checking acct was in his and his parents name. Odd for a 25 yr old man to me. He can't find his way out of a paper bag (except to get to the liquor store) to do anything for himself bc he never had to. He was enabled and coddled his whole life by his mom in order to presumably "make up for" his absentee alcoholic father (who was physically there but not emotionally). His father has also been coddled by his wife, my MIL for as long as I've known them and then she cries that she can't leave him alone to live her life/go on vacation for fear that he won't "survive" without her. Gee, wonder who taught him that? And it's true- if she's gone more than a day he has a "crisis" and she rushes home to be with him. My AH has resented me for years for NOT being like his mother but I think that what attracted him to me in the first place was that I was strong and independent. He liked that until he realized that strong and independent ='s no coddling and he's tried his best to mold me into his mommy part 2 for years...

Sorry for the vent... I just really related to your post Shellcrusher...
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Old 04-14-2011, 09:47 AM
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Update!

Talked to BIL and he sounds perplexed but resigned. I think he's reached maximum tolerance level with her antics. And he assured me he will fight for those boys if she tries to run off to another state. I sure hope so - he's the more stable parent by far. I also had the chance to air my feelings about this and that I support his decisions and understand the position he is in. Poor guy - he just wants to make his family work and be healthy.

Interestingly enough, my RAH asked if my sister drinks? Said this story sounds a lot like other stories he hears in AA. It was all I could do to not point out his behavior and hers have been very similar in the past. I am going to believe instead that he knows this already and doesn't need to have that pointed out to him.

My sister is backing down a bit on her "I'm moving" stance...especially since my folks said they will not support this decision. And my Mom called BIL to let him know the family does not believe he is 100% of the problem and to offer support to him. I thought that was nice.

And today - I am setting this completely aside to focus on other things. I've said all I can say at this point and the rest is up to them. All of them. This is no longer my issue.



You all are awesome!
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
one of my favorite little mantras is:

NOT MY PROBLEM
NOT MY PROBLEM
NOT MY PROBLEM

it's a matter of staying in our OWN hula hoop. in my mind i'm Scarlett O'Hara swishing about in that gorgeous hoop skirt saying Fiddle Dee Dee.
Just to add to that mental image of Scarlett in the hoopskirt - Rhett Butler's famous line "Frankly (insert name) I don't give a damn........"
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:36 PM
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My new favorite phrase....


GOOD GOD!!!

I really need to thank Cyranoak for that - I use it about 3-4 times a day now!!
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
...but I think that what attracted him to me in the first place was that I was strong and independent. He liked that until he realized that strong and independent ='s no coddling and he's tried his best to mold me into his mommy part 2 for years...

Sorry for the vent... I just really related to your post Shellcrusher...
Yep. Not only does it mean no coddling but you and me are also Dictators/Hitlers/Control freaks!
Why? Um, cause I can balance my own checkbook, change my own tire, tie my shoes? Yeah, I'm a big boy but that's a bad thing these days. Frustrating.
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