returntonormal

I'm fairly new here, but want to say how much I appreciate hearing about everyone's experiences here. I've learned so much by reading your stories.

My husband has been on the "moderation" plan since early December. In some ways, he's done amazingly well. Of course, he's an alcoholic, so that means he still gets drunk at least once a week and either dives into anger or self-pity. Recently, I've come to realize that it's not just his drinking that bothers me, it's all of the -isms that go along with active alcoholism. When he does get drunk and go off, I get scared about what might happen, what he might say or do, that he might wake up the kids in the middle of the night with his ranting. I've learned to ignore his words (quack quack), but it does not help that anxiety/fear that makes me almost jump out of my skin.

Anyway, I've been back and forth on the stay/go merry-go-round I've heard so many of you talk about for the past few months. Last night when I came home from my AA meeting he was drunk (how's that for ironic!!!) and went off on an indepth self-pity party about how the job sucks, no one cares about him, his family is crazy...blah blah blah. I said nothing. Learning that I don't have to engage is so powerful. It doesn't change my anxiety, but at least I'm not trying to have a conversation with a wall.

So this morning, he got up and apologized. Said he needed to get over himself. I said I understood how he feels (I was right there last year) but that he needs to quit drinking if he wants to see any improvement. I said that I can't continue as we are -the anxiety is too much.

End of conversation. I don't have hope that he'll do anything about it, but it did feel good to speak honestly about how I felt. I've been really holding it in.

So, then. Just before he left for work he said that he needed me to be more encouraging of him - provide some positive feedback. My jaw dropped to the ground. THIS, from a man who never listens to me when I try to talk about my feelings, who says things like: "you've felt that since I met you," or "you go through these things every three months, so don't dwell."

He just doesn't SEE that his drinking/not-drinking is HIS responsibility. When he said he wanted a divorce last night I was THRILLED. I just don't feel like I have the strength to continue to live this way. It's interferring with work, family, etc. I feel so trapped - can't go out, because I'm afraid to leave him with the kids, or because he dishes out guilt trips.

Any advice? I would really appreciate it.

suki44883

Only you can decide whether or not to end your marriage, but, if you want a divorce and he says he wants a divorce, then why not file for divorce? I can understand how you might feel trapped, but you really aren't. You have the power to make a better life for yourself and your children. Growing up in an alcoholic home is miserable. I know from experience.

returntonormal

I was there too - alcoholic father who only quit drinking when I was an adult.

I'm not asking for advice whether to stay in the marriage or leave; it's more that I'm looking for guidance based on your experiences.

wanttobehealthy

Of course he needs this-- that way his refusal to do anything differently is YOUR fault, not his responsibility. Quack quack quack... I've been told that my H's drinking is bc I don't make him feel good about himself-- similar lame lines as your H. I've argued back when he tells me this and had the same reaction as you (ie: this from a man who tells me whatever I feel is invalid etc...) and it doesn't do any good. Hard as it may be, say nothing. He wants a reaction from you so that he can justify his continued behavior.

I've said this too about my AH but I have a new perspective. I think that my H and your H probably DO see it and DO know it is their responsibility, but they have an arsenal of tools for telling others that it's their responsibility that have served them well for years and will keep trying to use those tools for as long as they work. It IS his responsibility, nothing you do or don't do will start or stop him on his way to recovery. It's him.

I am home, on my 6th day missing work bc of health issues that have arisen probably due to stress. And like you, for years I have not wanted to leave my AH with our young kids alone bc I either worry he will drink or I worry about the passive aggressive or overtly aggressive guilt trip I will get as "punishment" for going out and having fun.

I am sorry I don't have any advice-- just empathy and encourage you to keep posting. This site is a god send I think!

StarCat

For starters, I know you mentioned you are going to AA, have you going to Al-Anon as well?

My XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) was constantly telling me all the things that I needed to do to prevent him from drinking. At first I thought that he was helping me help him, but later I realized that no, he was only setting things up so that it would still be my fault the next time he decided to drink.

He also told me my feelings were invalid, not in so many words, but by always having to "one up" me when I tried to talk about how I felt. "You think you are stressed out? You thinkyou have a lot of things to do at work? Well I have Directors coming into my office asking questions! What would you do if you had my job if you can't even handle your own?"
Yeah, XABF, and at your job you don't have someone draining your life force out, bashing you down, and telling you how worthless you are unless you're working on their problem. But I have you to do that for me, and so I spend all my time working on your work, and I don't have time to do my own.

XABF's apologies never meant anything, either. Towards the end, he even said how he really felt. "I'm going to apologize, and take all the blame as mine, because you'll never apologize to me, even though it's actually your fault, but that's okay, blame me, tell me how it's all my fault, because you're Miss Perfect and I'm worthless to you. And you have the guts to say I'm abusive! You are the abusive one, but I'll take the blame, because I'll get nowhere if I'm waiting for you to apologize sincerely."
Hmm... Talk about projection!

returntonormal

Wanttobehealthy - thank you so much for your response. I said nothing this morning, but was starting to spin, trying to think about what I could say to make him see that I am appreciative, but he just doesn't notice, or something. Knowing that you have said and said, without impact really helps.

I hate having my feelings invalidated all the time - it's the way he treats me that makes me want to end ourrelationship, even more than the drinking.

returntonormal

StarCat - I do need to get to an alanon meeting. Thank you for confirming my sense that it's a setup.

wanttobehealthy

Yup! Think about it: lots of people drink and can be a part of and maintain normal, healthy relationships-- alcohol alone is not what makes alcoholism a problem. It is the BEHAVIORS associated with the drinking (and the non-drinking times too) that makes alcoholism ruin marriages.

If my H could drink and still think sanely and could treat me decently, there'd be no problem with his drinking (all hypothetical of course-- all assuming he's not an alcoholic).

I stupidly thought that if my H stopped drinking, our problems would get better. If anything, they've gotten worse.

returntonormal

I did that too - it was only reading the posts about the sober b.s. that made me take a look at him and realize that he's capable of being a complete jerk even if he hasn't had a drink. Without recovery, it doesn't actually matter whether he drinks or not.

But it's unfortunate! I wish it were that simple.

Freedombound

It is hard to know what to do. I enabled my AH for 38 years for many reasons - some having to do with my own weaknesses. I left him 2-3 times but always went back. In january I left for the right reasons. ME - not to try to control his drinking. I realized that I have a lot to change in myself. AH was a great manipulator and I thought I was just helping him. Was I wrong! I was just hurting both of us. I feel your pain. Hang in there and always remember you're not alone.