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Ex ABF and near death

Old 04-12-2011, 09:49 PM
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Ex ABF and near death

About a month ago, I posted and received so many great comments on my fresh start, following the moving out of my alcoholic ex bf.

Well, guess who went off the wagon? It gets worse. Living alone, without my groceries to eat, my bed to sleep in, and me to babysit----he drank himself into a stupor for seven days without food or water. I finally went over and took him to ER. He has been in the hospital for nearly five days now.
He was in ER for 2 days then in intensive care even now.

And immediately once he was out of the danger zone, he called me the devil and continued defending the woman he had cheated on me with for 1 year, and who he immediately pursued to make amends when he moved out!

This was after the doctor told him that his lungs partially collapsed, they found some vomit in his lungs, he had problems breathing, his liver had alcohol hepatitis, and his body is basically shot at 35.

There was no coming off that "I deal with you on my terms, I listen to you on my terms" selfish, angry, defensive high horse, even when he had just lost his job, apartment, and would have died if I finally hadn't gone to his new apartment and dragged him out.

And the other woman? It turns out she had been in a ten-year-long relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He even tried to persuade me I should understand her as a woman for getting involved with him because she's been through alot.

What about me? The woman who has been through alot for things he inflicted? All he was obsessed with was preachings about being a better man to the woman he cheated on me with while he lived in my home, ate my food, and refused to move out for the duration that they were screwing around, eating, screwing around, and kissing in Starbucks underneath their law firm--crassy Cravath.

The most dysfunctional connection isn't even that of an alcoholic and his enabling partner---it's when there's a woman who has gone through it all before, and still wants to be with him, but lurks around like a vulture waiting for me to deal with the worst part of his decline, while she's standing from afar without getting her hands dirty waiting for him to get into a program or AA, and only then does she show up with "support"---and meanwhile, I'm the ex who is still spending her Friday night in ER, and staying up until 3 AM in ER.

They're like moths to a flame. He sees in her a chance to make amends without actually facing the people he had actually hurt---and she sees in him, a replacement for her alcoholic ex-fiance. It's a sick validation of low self esteem and validation that they both have.

I railed at her from his phone and reminded her if she had started seeing him again now that he's a bachelor, she can get her derriere over and actually be a full time girlfriend, and that her whole habit of staying away when I have to clean him, babysit, save his life by dragging him to the hospital, and then swooping in and offering a shoulder to cry on after she's sure he's not rotting alone somewhere, dead and someone else has done all the worrying and Emergency room visits----it's just not right.

What kind of woman does that to another woman? Let alone, what kind of woman wants an alcoholic who clearly has problems with his partners due to the drinking, but as the sober party, should walk away---but instead does this triangle thing where I do all the dirty work and she gets to play prayed from afar martyr.

I stopped blaming myself and all the things enablers and partners of alcoholics do, especially if they constantly hurt you with nonstop parade of cheating and other women, pile emotional abuse, and purposely deny you the love, respect, and emotional intimacy you need while he gives it to other women, but he's wearing the shirt you laundered, eating with her in the restaurant he asked suggestions for, and is a completely delusional lunatic who thinks all that he does is within his right to do so.

It was just insane. He was sitting in the intensive care unit, hooked up to a billion cords, with doctors telling him he would have died and his body already showed signs of alcohol destruction---and he's not the least bit thankful that it was me who took him to the hospital after realizing he had been drinking for a week. It wasn't her--and she was fully aware he was on a bender to death. And there he is denying that what he did was dangerous, complaining about the incompetency of the hospital because they can't make his hiccups go away----even if they pumped him up with sooo many drugs.
And he's ranting at me that I have to like him and not hate him, and agree with him as a friend, and be there for him, and he should love Eileen.

But it's one sided. The relationship was horrible. The friendship would be even worse, it'd still be all on his terms...show up to take him to the hospital, and he disappears and calls you the devil when he's not lying in a pool of vomit and blood.

It just goes to show, no matter how much you try to be supportive and detach yourself with excuses that alcoholics are not rational, logical, etc.... it is just crazy to treat like garbage, the person who just saved your life, and scream at the doctors who saved you in ER, and sit there and deny that there's nothing wrong with an alcohol hepatitis liver and partially collapsed lungs, and extreme heart burn, and jaundiced skin and eyes, and all the anger and blame is still on the ex partner they still turn to when they are dead drunk and lying on a filthy floor, unable to move and all the other women have not returned his calls or checked in knowing how drunk he is to see if he's alive.

Even that, that the only three people who worried and showed up to his apartment once we realized he could be dead, or family who drove for six hours after a full day of work or stayed up nights looking for him, were his family, his ex partner and his sponsor----that people were exhausted and drained, didn't do a thing.

All he wanted were more drugs to make the pain go away, complaints to nurses and us, obnoxious comments about how much Eileen the other woman has been through, and how he'll only tolerate me if I do everything on his terms---and demands for people to bring him things to read and do because he's sooooo bored sitting in intensive care, drugged out on all sorts of downers.

Even at the brink of death, if they don't accept humility, the Alanonics in the alcoholic's life will only get more and more hurt with his emotional abuse and selfish lack of regard for basic human concepts of gratitude and love.

And my experience just shows, this was yet another thankless endeavor----he still turns like a viper the instant he gets better and forgets all the exhaustion and pain the other people feel---and instead immediately obsesses over other addictions---like other women.

And even then, in a drunken stupor, he had basically texted all the women he wanted to sleep with.

Sometimes, the best thing is to walk away. For me, his life is saved for the moment. That was my one last parting "enabling" act. I knew he had never drank for that long while living alone. And I knew how bad his withdrawals were when he lived with me and raided my fridge and demanded I feed and nurse him. So I knew after the sixth or seventh day of his bender, he was probably lying there near dead or dead.

And that resulted in me being called the devil, and him praising how great the other woman, Eileen is, nonstop like he has been for the duration of the time he cheated on me with her.

He'll have to go live in a homeless rehab center specializing in alcohol addiction now to get in house treatment, then once he's done, he'll have to go live in a halfway house once he returns to society.

And the worst thing anyone can do is take him in and let him live with me (as I did last year), so that he never had to worry about bills or money or food or groceries or laundry. They have to learn consequences of their actions even if it leads to homelessness, joblessness, and poverty.

I don't think alcoholic men like him will ever change as long as they remain arrogant and haughty, unafraid of losing their life, and when they have no emotional concept of love and loyalty or gratitude and are very much selfish little children who want what they want when they want it without regard for the pain of others.

If death and the doctor telling him further drinking will lead to cirrhosis of the liver, and that he already has alcohol hepatitis, or that the reason he can't breathe is because his lungs are partially collapsed and filled with vomit---if that doesn't give him a reality check, nothing will.

And even then, it was still me enabling. he didn't call 911. He called me then blacked out. and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have just left him there. Certainly the person Eileen, whom still gets the credit for standing by his side, when she has never actually physically present when he's in a bender, wouldn't have gone out of her way to see if he was drinking or drinking and dead.

But the total lack of gratitude and the whole praising of the other woman the instant he feels better, this is where I walk away fully.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:44 PM
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Very tragic and sad...

Originally Posted by VoyagerIsol View Post
They're like moths to a flame. He sees in her a chance to make amends without actually facing the people he had actually hurt---and she sees in him, a replacement for her alcoholic ex-fiance. It's a sick validation of low self esteem and validation that they both have.
Yes "tell me who your partner is and I will tell you who you are" ... often those unhealthy relationships go on until death, they fit each other perfectly in a very sick way.


Originally Posted by VoyagerIsol View Post
For me, his life is saved for the moment. That was my one last parting "enabling" act.
I like last parting enabling acts. I like it when they are really the last ones. It takes a lot to wake up from the illusion and fantasy. The alcohol's promises to the alcoholic... arrogance and denial are needed to fulfill the last promise "I will take your life"... I feel chills just writing this..

Originally Posted by VoyagerIsol View Post

I don't think alcoholic men like him will ever change as long as they remain arrogant and haughty, unafraid of losing their life, and when they have no emotional concept of love and loyalty or gratitude and are very much selfish little children who want what they want when they want it without regard for the pain of others.

And even then, it was still me enabling. he didn't call 911. He called me then blacked out. and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have just left him there.

But the total lack of gratitude and the whole praising of the other woman the instant he feels better, this is where I walk away fully.
Next time maybe call 911 and let HP take care of him.

My therapist thinks people like him won't change, and she has 40 years of experience. She knows only a handful of people that DID beat addiction and are still here in this world taking healthier decisions. She stopped treating them and told us in a group therapy focused on codependency: "Its people like you that CAN change - and the ones I prefer to treat because you become success stories"


Thank you for sharing this, Voyager... very powerful message. An EXABF equally arrogant and childlike is 29.. I wonder if that will be his future... in any case I am not God to do anything about it........... our job is to take care of ourselves. I am glad you have started to do it.

I am so sorry this man is so sick but it does not surprise me... that is what they do when active: lie, manipulate, deny, hurt, then hurt some more, act selfish, BE selfish, until a last breath that marks the end.

Thanks for reminding me why I left.
Addiction is horrible.
Are you going to therapy?

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Old 04-12-2011, 10:57 PM
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PS have you been tested for STD/HIV already? sorry if the question seems harsh - that is what I would do if I knew I had been cheated on.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:57 AM
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I hope you have finally reached YOUR bottom. It is painfully obvious that he has no desire for a relationship with you and you deserve better. You say he is your ex, so treat him as such. Go no contact, block him from your phone, email and everything else. Let him live (or not) his life as he chooses. You have your own life to live.
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:23 AM
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Realizing that the behavior you have been putting up with is abusive is a GREAT first step!

It was just insane.

But what is really insane is that we allow ourselves to be treated like crap and as we stand there, we say, "I can't believe this! This is unfair and abusive!"

It is, but saying it is doesn't change it.

We have an opportunity to do something different this time.
It goes counter to everything we've learned to do.
We vote with our feet.
We walk away.
Then, there is no more abuse, or any need to be upset.
Just peace.

I look at it like a car fire.
If you see that on the highway, surrounded by cop cars and fire trucks and sirens, you're not going to walk over there to check it out.
You're not going to stand in the midst of it and say, "Wow! This is dangerous."
You're not going to try to save the people involved; there are professionals to help them.

You're going to get away from that danger. You're going to protect yourself and wish the best for the unfortunates involved. You're not going to spend hours worrying over the victims. If you hear the driver got rudely cut off, you're not going to spend hours being pissed at the reckless driver that led to the accident.

You're going to get away from that whole, awful scene and go home to a peaceful night.

They are the car fire.

p
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I like last parting enabling acts. I like it when they are really the last ones. It takes a lot to wake up from the illusion and fantasy.
I transferred $1500 to XABF's bank account (there was no way he'd manage to pay all his bills that month otherwise - originally I had offered $2000), hired a moving van to move all his things to his mother's house (here's the other $500), and had Amazon.com send him the book "Under the Influence" for his birthday, and that was it.
That was what I had to do for me, so that I could walk away with a clear conscience, and stop worrying about the "what ifs".

Remember his reaction to your help, because if there is a next time for enabling acts, he will still react the same way he always does, and always has.
You saved his life, you can now give it back to him, and let him live it as he chooses, while you go on to live your life as you see fit.
Stay strong.
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