really fed up with "r" ah
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
His lips are moving, and all I hear is "quack, quack, quack".
fantastic job not engaging. Keep it up. I know it's hard, and you've shown you can do it. Keep your guard up, take time to collect your thoughts before you speak. It's working!
fantastic job not engaging. Keep it up. I know it's hard, and you've shown you can do it. Keep your guard up, take time to collect your thoughts before you speak. It's working!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Wow. So I just f'ed up royally....
AH just talked me into staying here for now without me realizing that is what I was agreeing to.... (until it was too late).
UN-REAL!
I went to the cardiologist today and relayed the info I got there to AH when he asked. Next thing I know he's telling me that it seems safer for the girls if someone were to stay with me (and I agreed, thinking I was going to ask my mom to come stay for a while) and them incase some more of these heart episodes happen (I passed out last week which is what got me to the hospital the first time). So then next thing I know he's talking about what the arrangements will be with when he'll come back each night and what he "needs" from me in order to stay focussed on his recovery.
I stumbled a bit and said I wasn't aware we were talking about his returning and he twisted the WHOLE thing and said that I was really selfish to care more about myself than the girls (I guess having him not stay here is = to my not caring about the girls?) and though I did not engage and argue and defend etc... and simply said "I'm sticking with our original plan of you staying elsewhere" he kept at it with his arguing about how I am not able to prove to a court that I am totally healthy enough to be alone with the girls and how maybe he should run this by his lawyer (who he has bc he assaulted me and has to go to trial next month)...
I didn't want to keep going around in circles and I just gave in. And so he's coming back here later after a meeting and I guess he thinks now he's staying here (on the couch) for the indefinite future... And I am the one who walked into this trap and just gave in.
I think that I'm realizing that taking the girls and going to my mom's is the only real solution here. Since I came back from her house it's been one weaselly move after another on his part for him to try and stay here. Being at her house kept him away (bc he didn't want to deal with my mom giving him a hard time!) and I guess since I am too weak to deal with him myself I probably should go back there....
AH just talked me into staying here for now without me realizing that is what I was agreeing to.... (until it was too late).
UN-REAL!
I went to the cardiologist today and relayed the info I got there to AH when he asked. Next thing I know he's telling me that it seems safer for the girls if someone were to stay with me (and I agreed, thinking I was going to ask my mom to come stay for a while) and them incase some more of these heart episodes happen (I passed out last week which is what got me to the hospital the first time). So then next thing I know he's talking about what the arrangements will be with when he'll come back each night and what he "needs" from me in order to stay focussed on his recovery.
I stumbled a bit and said I wasn't aware we were talking about his returning and he twisted the WHOLE thing and said that I was really selfish to care more about myself than the girls (I guess having him not stay here is = to my not caring about the girls?) and though I did not engage and argue and defend etc... and simply said "I'm sticking with our original plan of you staying elsewhere" he kept at it with his arguing about how I am not able to prove to a court that I am totally healthy enough to be alone with the girls and how maybe he should run this by his lawyer (who he has bc he assaulted me and has to go to trial next month)...
I didn't want to keep going around in circles and I just gave in. And so he's coming back here later after a meeting and I guess he thinks now he's staying here (on the couch) for the indefinite future... And I am the one who walked into this trap and just gave in.
I think that I'm realizing that taking the girls and going to my mom's is the only real solution here. Since I came back from her house it's been one weaselly move after another on his part for him to try and stay here. Being at her house kept him away (bc he didn't want to deal with my mom giving him a hard time!) and I guess since I am too weak to deal with him myself I probably should go back there....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
OH, geez...
I feel bad for you, because I know how this can snowball into his arena like this.
He hornswaggled you.
I think u are right in thinking that your moms is the best idea.
Oh, and the stuff he is blathering on about as far as the girls, safety, your health...QUACK QUACK>
But, gee, I wonder why you dont want to stay with someone willing to low blow you like that so quick...Hmm its just a mystery.\
threatening you with his lawyer when you/ BECAUSE you are not feeling well...class act.
I feel bad for you, because I know how this can snowball into his arena like this.
He hornswaggled you.
I think u are right in thinking that your moms is the best idea.
Oh, and the stuff he is blathering on about as far as the girls, safety, your health...QUACK QUACK>
But, gee, I wonder why you dont want to stay with someone willing to low blow you like that so quick...Hmm its just a mystery.\
threatening you with his lawyer when you/ BECAUSE you are not feeling well...class act.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Yeah, he has really shown his true colors in recent weeks. First I lose my job and all he cares about is how it makes HIM feel, then he refuses to get D5 flowers for her dance recital bc he wants to save $ but has no problem spending $ on beer and cigarettes (and lying about both) for him, then he feigns concern for my health only so long as it gets him something and when I set limits (or reminded him of the already set limits), I got the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum from him. UGH!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Hon, I don't mean this in a bad way but, you're just no match for him. He's got the manipulation spin down! However, even though you may have "agreed" to his plan, you are always free to change your mind. You do not have to go through with anything, and you can think more about going to your mom's place tonight. Please don't let him browbeat you into doing something that you know will just make you miserable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Yeah, I guess being honest and decent and kind is no match for a manipulative a$$hole... I've thought for a long time that if I was decent enough it would at least help temper his nasty, manipulative behavior... But nothing I do seems to stop or quell his nonsense.
I stupidly spent the past hour trying to figure out what I could have done differently that might have stopped him from thinking the way he did and getting as manipulative as he did.
Guess I think I have that much power huh? Why does my brain go there and make me think that I EVER could do a thing to keep him from acting as he does... I guess it's easier to be upset with myself and think that I could have done something differently than it is to accept that he's never going to change...
I stupidly spent the past hour trying to figure out what I could have done differently that might have stopped him from thinking the way he did and getting as manipulative as he did.
Guess I think I have that much power huh? Why does my brain go there and make me think that I EVER could do a thing to keep him from acting as he does... I guess it's easier to be upset with myself and think that I could have done something differently than it is to accept that he's never going to change...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
you can never "win" an argument with a liar. They lie. Period.
You can never have a reasonable discussion with someone who is unreasonable. They are unreasonable.
There is no point being honest with a dishonest person. They are dishonest. Remember?
Being nice to a mean person only helps the mean person. They take advantage of nice people. It is their way.
It is impossible to be more selfish than someone with a lifetime's of experience being selfish. They have the all the experience. It's uncomfortable for people like us.
No reason to beat yourself up. And every reason to change your mind. All you have to do is say you are uncomfortable with him there. End of discussion. When he presses you, and he will, politely remind him why he is going to court soon. Perhaps mention your legal team advises against him staying in the home. When he raises his voice, just pick up the phone and call 911 and report him. He'll leave. Trust me.
If he doesn't leave voluntarily and you won't call 911, go get a court order baring him from the place. What do YOU have to lose?
You can never have a reasonable discussion with someone who is unreasonable. They are unreasonable.
There is no point being honest with a dishonest person. They are dishonest. Remember?
Being nice to a mean person only helps the mean person. They take advantage of nice people. It is their way.
It is impossible to be more selfish than someone with a lifetime's of experience being selfish. They have the all the experience. It's uncomfortable for people like us.
No reason to beat yourself up. And every reason to change your mind. All you have to do is say you are uncomfortable with him there. End of discussion. When he presses you, and he will, politely remind him why he is going to court soon. Perhaps mention your legal team advises against him staying in the home. When he raises his voice, just pick up the phone and call 911 and report him. He'll leave. Trust me.
If he doesn't leave voluntarily and you won't call 911, go get a court order baring him from the place. What do YOU have to lose?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Well, just because he ASSumed you agreed to him staying there doesn't mean you are obligated to go along with his ASSumption. You could explain to him that it was a misunderstanding and kindly ask him to leave.....
L
L
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You are perfectly entitled to tell him you have given it more thought and you don't want him to stay there. Don't argue about it, just tell him, "This is what I have decided, and I really don't care to discuss it further."
Repeat if necessary, but do NOT explain, justify, argue. You are outgunned, as noted above, in the manipulation department.
Repeat if necessary, but do NOT explain, justify, argue. You are outgunned, as noted above, in the manipulation department.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yeah, my AH and I are doing the same song and dance.
I am having a hard time setting strict ground rules (we are legally separated, but my AH doesn't think it's a serious thing) because we need to sell our house and it needs a lot of yard work, etc. before I can put in on the market. If I set strong boundaries with my AH, I know he will then stop doing any housework just to mess with me, even though it hurts him too not to sell the house. He is very childish like that. He changed his Facebook status from married to separated when he got mad at me recently just to get attention from all of our friends who didn't know we were having problems. I was furious. I told him next time he does that he might as well just change it to divorced.
So, I want a schedule, I really don't want to see him, but I have to be "nice" and let him stay over on occasion, which is torture for me because he constantly says how wonderful it is to be here and how he thinks he can handle it now. I am thinking, you had everything here before, great job, loving wife, awesome house, amazing kids and you were a miserable every day and almost drank yourself to death. Why is it different now? I know if he comes back once the "Welcome home, Daddy!" party wears off and he has real responsibility he will be back to drinking. His sobriety is pretty shaky.
My AH knows how guilty I am feeling over this because of my seven year old son and exploits that to no end! I know he is one of those guys who, if we get divorced, will trash me when he speaks to the kids. He is already doing the "I'd love to stay, but it's up to your mom" crap. I have told him that isn't right, but he persists. AHs don't listen or care about anyone else's feelings, even kids.
So, I know that this separation thing is hard, it's hard to know where to draw the line when you aren't really divorced and are hoping (I guess!) to reconcile and small kids are involved. And as the last poster said, these guys are so manipulative and we need to consistently not engage them. It seems like you are doing a better job of this than I am! Good luck with getting him out of the house, again.
I am having a hard time setting strict ground rules (we are legally separated, but my AH doesn't think it's a serious thing) because we need to sell our house and it needs a lot of yard work, etc. before I can put in on the market. If I set strong boundaries with my AH, I know he will then stop doing any housework just to mess with me, even though it hurts him too not to sell the house. He is very childish like that. He changed his Facebook status from married to separated when he got mad at me recently just to get attention from all of our friends who didn't know we were having problems. I was furious. I told him next time he does that he might as well just change it to divorced.
So, I want a schedule, I really don't want to see him, but I have to be "nice" and let him stay over on occasion, which is torture for me because he constantly says how wonderful it is to be here and how he thinks he can handle it now. I am thinking, you had everything here before, great job, loving wife, awesome house, amazing kids and you were a miserable every day and almost drank yourself to death. Why is it different now? I know if he comes back once the "Welcome home, Daddy!" party wears off and he has real responsibility he will be back to drinking. His sobriety is pretty shaky.
My AH knows how guilty I am feeling over this because of my seven year old son and exploits that to no end! I know he is one of those guys who, if we get divorced, will trash me when he speaks to the kids. He is already doing the "I'd love to stay, but it's up to your mom" crap. I have told him that isn't right, but he persists. AHs don't listen or care about anyone else's feelings, even kids.
So, I know that this separation thing is hard, it's hard to know where to draw the line when you aren't really divorced and are hoping (I guess!) to reconcile and small kids are involved. And as the last poster said, these guys are so manipulative and we need to consistently not engage them. It seems like you are doing a better job of this than I am! Good luck with getting him out of the house, again.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
he changed his tune and started telling me how I have no idea about all the changes he's making (he's right bc there are none occurring) at step meetings, in therapy
LMAO LMAO LMAO
You are brilliant!!! and quite hilarious I might add. You have his number and you know his game. You are doing great in my book, I look up to you and with I could do the same with my ex. Can you teach me??? Keep up the good work!
LMAO LMAO LMAO
You are brilliant!!! and quite hilarious I might add. You have his number and you know his game. You are doing great in my book, I look up to you and with I could do the same with my ex. Can you teach me??? Keep up the good work!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thanks Stacylove- I am not feeling either brilliant or strong right now... I let myself get sucked in and didn't even see it coming. Seems each time I "figure" out how to avoid getting sucked in he comes up with a new level of weasel-i-ness (I'm thinking of creating my own dictionary of terms to describe A behavior).
Lateeda-
ASSumptions really are problematic aren't they?!
Ladybug- My AH does the talking down about me to the kids too... makes it my fault that he's gone and D5 actually asked me one night why I "made" Daddy leave. Real mature huh? Then when confronted he told me that D5 made that up or I did. Sure. I keep hoping that AH will take the separation as a time to focus on ourselves and get well and that's what I am trying to do and I have to just accept that he's going to be resentful and full of blame no matter what... Like you, I know that once the "welcome home Daddy" party ends and he is expected to "live life on life's terms" it will be same old same old. He is fine with that and I am not and he doesn't seem to "get" that status quo is NOT going to work anymore.
LexieCat- Outgunned in the manipulation dept is a perfect description!
zrx- well said... I like what you wrote and emailed it to myself as a reminder!
Lateeda-
ASSumptions really are problematic aren't they?!Ladybug- My AH does the talking down about me to the kids too... makes it my fault that he's gone and D5 actually asked me one night why I "made" Daddy leave. Real mature huh? Then when confronted he told me that D5 made that up or I did. Sure. I keep hoping that AH will take the separation as a time to focus on ourselves and get well and that's what I am trying to do and I have to just accept that he's going to be resentful and full of blame no matter what... Like you, I know that once the "welcome home Daddy" party ends and he is expected to "live life on life's terms" it will be same old same old. He is fine with that and I am not and he doesn't seem to "get" that status quo is NOT going to work anymore.
LexieCat- Outgunned in the manipulation dept is a perfect description!
zrx- well said... I like what you wrote and emailed it to myself as a reminder!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
I've thought for a long time that if I was decent enough it would at least help temper his nasty, manipulative behavior... But nothing I do seems to stop or quell his nonsense.
I stupidly spent the past hour trying to figure out what I could have done differently that might have stopped him from thinking the way he did and getting as manipulative as he did.
Guess I think I have that much power huh? Why does my brain go there and make me think that I EVER could do a thing to keep him from acting as he does...
I stupidly spent the past hour trying to figure out what I could have done differently that might have stopped him from thinking the way he did and getting as manipulative as he did.
Guess I think I have that much power huh? Why does my brain go there and make me think that I EVER could do a thing to keep him from acting as he does...
The good news is we can change.
The beauty of the change, is that we can retain our tenderness and compassion, but do so without expectations of changing another person, or garnering their undying love or gratitude.
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