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My hubby's still calling the shots

Old 04-12-2011, 07:27 AM
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My hubby's still calling the shots

I'm upset because I left almost two months ago because he was on a binge - yelling, loud music, smashing things. He hadn't worked except occasional stuff for nearly 2 years. I had finally gone through my savings and said enough was enough and then left.
I asked him to leave the apartment he hasn't been paying for and keep our dog that he hadn't been caring for, but he keeps pushing the dates.Today he threatened to keep the apt (even though he hasn't paid rent in 2 mts.) saying that I was the one who left and "didn't try" so I therefore deserve nothing.
Just upset, depressed, trying to avoid the feeling that I want to *convince* him that I am in the right. What does it matter, right, if he believes that I am the bad guy in this situation? Why should I care what he thinks of me, right? I just want him to leave, already.
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Old 04-12-2011, 07:34 AM
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Do you live in the apartment too?

You are right - you'll never get satisfaction if you wait for him to agree or own anything. Just to the next right thing.
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Old 04-12-2011, 07:50 AM
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If you are staying with your parents, as you said in another thread, why is your husband calling the shots? You cannot control him and he's going to do whatever he wants to do. If he wants to keep the apartment, then you can find one of your own. You do not have to let him control your life. Decide what you truly want and then take the necessary steps to make it happen.
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Old 04-12-2011, 07:55 AM
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I am staying with my family in the north. Some have suggested that I ought to give up on this apartment and just go and rent another, but then I think about my dog and i don't know how to get her out if I take another apt. Going back, I also need to get a job and don't want to be saddled with job and apt. at the same time. Then I think of this past year and a half and all I had to go through to support us and it is just so unfathomably unfair that he can even make me take another place when he's just gonna end up evicted anyway. I don't think he's been drinking since I left, now he says that I didn't try another solution before leaving. He just doesn't remember
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:00 AM
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Well, life isn't always fair. That's just life. You learn to deal with it. Not everything is always going to go your way. Getting a job and getting your own place will give you the control you deserve. I'm not sure what you meant by not being saddled with both a job and an apartment. How can you pay your rent if you don't have a job? You can get your dog whenever you want. Just have someone go with you. It just sounds like you are making excuses.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:07 AM
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Love you suki... what a way with words. What do you know of me making excuses about my life when I am just a name on the Internet?! I do appreciate the suggestion of getting the dog whenever I want, that's true and I hadn't thought of that. But I resent your tone. I'm not crying into my pillow. You asked what i wanted? I want him to go and leave me and my dog. I don't want the stress of needing to find another job and another apt at the same time if I can avoid it but I'll deal with it if I have to.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:10 AM
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Okay then. Good luck!
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:19 AM
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And good luck to you, suki. What, do you imagine yourself some kind of plain-spoken genius?! Tellin-it-how-it-is? Is that what you imagine yourself to be doing?
I'm pi$$ed off and I'm telling folks that I'm pi$$ed off and you come in with this "Yeah, well, life's not fair."
Tell me something I don't know.
I came here wanting to vent, so maybe I should be thankful to your insensitivity that I get a chance to let off steam... at you!
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:19 AM
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Let's be honest here: he's not going to give you what you want, for the simple reason that it's what you want. He enjoys the smidgen of power he's got over you...but only because you give him that power by trying to hold onto an apartment, which is only a place. Not even a place you owned...just a place.

If you want to move on, then move on. It sucks about the dog, but Suki is right...go pick him/her up! I would bet money that once you stop asking about the dog, your A will soon be calling you to come get him/her because it's too much work.

When I left, I left behind two cats and a stepson. It was heart-breaking, but I had to save myself. Wouldn't you know that a month after I left, XAH called me demanding that I come take one of the cats...and a few months later, his own son told him to go stuff it and left the province to go back to his mother's house. So, time and HP worked things out for me.

Your A doesn't *have* to call the shots here. A change of tactics may well be just what you need.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:26 AM
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So, let him have the apartment. He won't pay the rent and will eventually be evicted. I guess it could have meant trouble for me, lease-wise, but I made privy my landlord, who was suprisingly understanding. Once he was evicted, I showed the place for her and took care of the advertising costs and she never came after me. TAke control and take your life back!
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:33 AM
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Okay, then. One more question. I'm going to stay at a friends house this weekend who lives just a few blocks away. My hubby *swears* he's gonna be out by Monday night - that's less than a week away. Do I wait until then, 'cause all I want to do right now is change the locks on his a$$ and then laugh as he bangs on the door.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:39 AM
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Who is on the lease of this apartment? If you are (and only you), then I would advise checking with your local landlord/tenant board to follow legal procedure to remove him. Some places require that you give him a notice; others do not. If you are the only person on the lease, then I would also discuss the situation with your landlord, advising him or her about the situation.

If however both of you are on the lease, then you need to find a way to get your name OFF the lease or you can be held liable for the unpaid rent, sometimes up to three years after the expiry of the lease (that's the case here in Québec). Changing the locks on him may be illegal in some cases, and can result in some serious and totally unncessary drama.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:43 AM
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True. And it's a good point about the locks - hard to not succumb to anger. We are both on the lease. What about waiting until Monday, though? Is that another red herring and a trick and a ploy to keep me strung along? The landlord knows the situation and knows that my Hubby's not gonna pay. Given that, I have a hard time believing he's gonna let me off the hook as I'm the one with the $$$.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
I want him to go and leave me and my dog.
He will hold that over your head. Have you spoke with anyone about a legal separation? Maybe something can be worked out either to force him to leave or get your name off the lease.

I'd start moving on with plan B. I think all the plans will be stressful.

I understand the frustration and anger at the injustice but, IME, it got a lot better once I started moving forward and taking control in the ways that I could.
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
True. And it's a good point about the locks - hard to not succumb to anger. We are both on the lease. What about waiting until Monday, though? Is that another red herring and a trick and a ploy to keep me strung along? The landlord knows the situation and knows that my Hubby's not gonna pay. Given that, I have a hard time believing he's gonna let me off the hook as I'm the one with the $$$.
How about contacting this organization to see what they say about your situation?

http://www.nyc.gov/html/rgb/home.html

You can't be the first person to deal with this situation. What has your landlord said about possibly evicting your H?

As for the Monday thing, yes, I think it's another ploy. The man's got nothing better to do than figure out ways to get back at you for taking away his principal enabler: you.

IMO, time to get on the phone and get some information about how to protect yourself from your H's financial irresponsibility. If he hasn't been paying for 2 months, it seems to me he's rather close to being evicted.
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:14 AM
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Also, according to the information found on this legal aid website, your landlord should be giving your H a 3 day notice demanding the rent *now*, indicating that if he doesn't pay, he will be evicted. Afterwards, he'll need to have an affidavit of serivce properly served, in person and by an individual over the age of 18. Afterwards, he can fill out the proper paperwork to get him evicted. If he doesn't take action now, he may be stuck with him for a while, which will impact you.

Nonpayment Case

Also:
Summary Proceedings (evictions)
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:16 AM
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I don't think the rent is behind.
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
Today he threatened to keep the apt (even though he hasn't paid rent in 2 mts.)
Seems he's 2 months behind.
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:20 AM
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Awesome. Will be reading these. I do have a place to stay over the weekend (yay!) and if this doesn't work, am also prepared to start looking for an apt. that allows doggies (of course getting her when the hubby's out).
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