Oh boy - I am that sick ....
 

Major wake up call today.

I had heard last week that a male coworker was mugged while on a business trip. I like him, lovely guy - my age, single. We've worked together on a few projects and are acquaintances rather than friends.

He was back in the office today and the attack was a lot more serious than I thought - I saw him from the back and called out his name. He turned around and one side of his face is black and blue.

First instinct? To put my arms around him and kiss him on his good cheek.

WHAT THE!!!????

I didn't - but that overwhelming urge to comfort the wounded bird was codie 101. He's self conscious about the attack itself and about the bruises (really hard to look at) and I wanted to make it better somehow.

Still drawn to the wounded bird. Have never felt any male-female urges before towards this man. Wanted to kiss it better.

Sometimes you get a newsflash that you still have work to do - this was one of those times.

Lordy, lordy

SL.

That sounds like a totally normal response to me. It's just sympathy/empathy, no? I mean if you told me he got injured while mugging someone I might have a different response :)

There's nothing wrong with hugging someone in a situation like that. That isn't being a codie, it's being human.

I dunno, finding myself in agreement with the others, very human responses, sympathy, compassion.

I'd only worry if you thought you could 'kiss it and make it all better'.

Nope, not quite just sympathy/empathy - I totally appreciate the sentiment but it's almost as thought I was attracted to him, for the first time, now that he's hurt.

I can understand this, I cannot explain it other than (for me) if the other person appears vulnerable, then in comparison, I would be the strong one.
I felt weak, but I was not really, I had no idea the strength I had.
Maybe I just felt he would appreciate me as a savior.
Hmm, very hard to put into words.
Ah, maybe I was playing another one of my "roles", my distorted idea of how I should act, not the real me.

I must think some more on this.

Beth

Bingo. It took me a long time after my relationship with XABF ended to really understand the dynamic. I didn't fall in love with a healthy guy and then idealise the idea of that healthy guy when it became clear he had a problem.

I became -more- drawn to him when it became clear he had a problem. I slotted right into a role I learned in childhood. It was magnetic. It was familiar -and it (felt) irresistable.

At least this time it was a moment, and I can step back and take a look at it. I won't act on it, I'm not going to offer to bring him soup and I'm not planning a future with him. But if I hadn't spent some time unpacking my last relationship I'd be feeling drawn to him right now and assume that it was just a connection I'd "missed" somehow until it blossomed. Coincidentally. As he was incredibly vulnerable and very obviously hurt.

Hm. But Beth, your description kind of nails it. Not sure I was even thinking ahead as far as being the strong one or the savior. It was more of a pavlovian response - and it was overwhelming.

I was going to say like others that this sounds like just being a compassionate, caring person. But when you described that you felt like you were attracted to him now bc he was injured and you could be the helper, you're right that that doesn't sound totally normal. And I say that being someone who early in my r/s with my now AH sat across from him at a restaurant and thought "oh he's had such a rough life... I want to love him enough to make it better". So, good for you for recognizing your thinking/feeling patterns.

What an interesting introspection. My first reaction was to say offering empathy is not a bad thing until you explained a little more. And now all I can say is way to go - you are paying attention to yourself and that's awesome!

I totally feel you!
My mom was a collector of wounded birds (not literally).
She brought a creepy pervy homeless guy to live with us because he was working at the church and she wanted to help out.
She let some unbalanced women who needed a place to stay live with us.
Not good boundaries (at least for protecting me).

So, I am drawn to the wounded birds myself.
I guess we all are, in a way.
It is an instinctual thing at this point I have to manage!

Wow! Impressive. You recognized what you felt, processed it as to why you were feeling it, had the self-esteem to be honest with yourself about those feelings, and made a decision before acting all in a split second.

I wish I could do that all the time.

Well done!

I wasn't attracted to my aexh until I overheard him talking about his struggles with depression. I didn't want to fix or rescue him... my hook was that I thought he would understand me. Within 24 hours I already knew I was in serious trouble.

"There are three Things extremely hard, Steel, a Diamond, and to know one's self." --Benjamin Franklin

I agree..
Sounds like you have confused compassion with codependency...........

This goes back to something I posted on another thread last week. Traits and behaviors are two different things.

Apparently, you possess the traits of empathy and compassion. Those are neither positive or negative, they just are. Some would argue that those traits are inherently positive, but I disagree because they can manifest in negative ways, as you observed.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter if you acquired these traits through healthy or unhealthy role modeling. In fact, it doesn't even matter if they are inborn (nature vs. nurture). You have them. And if you are over the age of 13 or so, there's probably not a lot you can do to change them. What you can change is how they manifest in your life. (behavior)

Behaviors are both external and internal. You seem to have a handle on the external, since you resisted the urge to "kiss him and make him better," lol. But, behaviors are also internal. You felt an attraction to his woundedness (is that a word?). Somewhere along the line, your psyche associated empathy and compassion with attraction. Possibly even pity with love. Those associations can be changed, but they are much more difficult than changing the external behavior. This is something I know I will be working on for the rest of my days.

The work I'm speaking of requires awareness, which you seem to have in spades. So, in my opinion, you are doing the work and maybe not quite as sick as you think. ;) I say--WAY TO GO!

L

A man that was hurt while innocently attacked could be attractive bearing battle scars. Think of braveheart? The man was a war leader! Romanticized extremely, unrealistically, of course, seeking revenge for his lost bride.
Now a man that had bruises because he fell while drunk and nailed his head against the wall, or provoked a bar brawl, would that cause attraction for you? Would that cause you to want to mother him? Not me!

I think the two scenarios are very different things. So I would have no problem myself with what happened to you. I would think the seed of attraction was already there, and just waiting to sprout.
Yes it's compassion, yes it's attraction. Is it an unhealthy one? I think not. I think we tend to overanalyze in this forum sometimes.

Removing duplicate.

Ugh I get it.... I recall once XABF looked really beat down and SAD and melancholic and I felt SO close to him... UGHHHHHHH.... we are all mirrors, aren't we? it was myself I was seeing... I desperately wanted to heal ME, through someone else...

:lmao

I wish I had realized this then! oh well. I realize this now.

You did very well, recognizing how this is unhealthy for you!!

Well said...
 

:c011:

I agree: well said, LaTeeDa.

StillLearning,

I think your awareness and honesty will serve you well. It already is!

Way to go naming this dynamic.

Thanks for the thought-provoking feedback, folks. I could represent my country at the over-analyzing olympics (adult child, what can I tell ya ...) but in this instance, it's more of a new awareness.

LTD I love this:

"Somewhere along the line, your psyche associated empathy and compassion with attraction. Possibly even pity with love. Those associations can be changed, but they are much more difficult than changing the external behavior."

Traits versus behavior gives me lots to think about - maybe it's the moment between instinct kicking in and action following it where we have the room to start to heal. If I can start to take that moment to step back rather than act, I might not have to keep (and keep, and keep) repeating trait-generated behaviors that have gotten me into trouble in the past.

TC I also totally relate to wanting to be healed and trying to heal other people - I've been down that road before, too.

Thanks for all the responses - I've enjoyed the different perspectives on this one (keeping an open mind...)

Hugs, SL