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UGH, everywhere I go

Old 04-11-2011, 10:35 AM
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UGH, everywhere I go

Thursday the 21st was to be my wedding date. I had told some of my coworkers that (I teach at a large middle school), months ago when it looked like everything was going in the right direction.

So now only a few people know the truth. I have confided in 3 teachers and administration, and was hoping that they might be gossipers and tell the others.

Wouldn't you know I would actually confide in the people who might respect my confidentiality?

So now every time I walk down the hall, someone smiles and says "Are you almost ready?" I'm starting to get fearful that someone might bring me a gift of there might be a shower in the library after school one day.

I am mentally trying to hold it together. The house is so quiet with him gone and I'm trying to get cleaned up. Next week his parents are going to be in town and I am going to leave to go to my parents for Easter.

The last thing I need is people smiling in the hall and congratulations. I'm afraid their looks will turn to pity when the word is out though.
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Old 04-11-2011, 10:40 AM
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Remember this (I learned it here):

"What other people think of me is none of my business"

And then let it go. Stop caring. Focus on yourself. And understand there are at least a handful of people at your workplace who are or have experienced something similar to what you are going through. I am still amazed at how common these life upsets are.

The first time I went to work and sat my boss down to be honest about what was happening to me, I was floored to find out she had also married an alcoholic and her ride was far more wild than mine!

Just tell people the wedding has been postponed due to unforeseen circumstances, then smile and walk away. If anyone presses for an answer, say "illness" and you aren't in a position to discuss it further.

Then proceed on with seeking calm and serenity. This too shall pass.
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Old 04-11-2011, 10:54 AM
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Tuffgirl has the best recovery response but I'd probably pull someone aside and tell them the news...and make sure they know they can spread the word. I wouldn't want to have to repeat it three times a day for the next month either.
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:10 AM
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The looks of pity are only going to come depending on how you carry yourself, and what you put out there.
After all, you are not being left at the altar, or having your fiance cancel your wedding.

You are the one who made an executive decision, which will preserve your quality of life for years to come.

That is something to be proud of.
If people ask, you can offer a postponement statement.

You dont owe anyone anything, but if they were going to come, or to avoid the shower type of thing, you might consider starting to make statements about postponement.

Why, how, or whatever is none of their business.
A statement like,

"We are just not going to be able to do it this year...Had to postpone... family issue..."

You could even call it a family health issue. That would not be a lie, either.

I know it must be hard, but try to at least secretly be proud of your strength.
Many lives have been ruined, Im sure, by people going through with weddings under duress.

I am inspired by your strength and conviction.
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:53 AM
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Give yourself a break and remember that the purpose of an engagement is to make sure the ducks are in a row before marrying. It is to give you a chance to be sure. It is to make sure your partner doesn't have issues like your partner does.

You are making healthy choices that are self-caring.
Anyone that has a problem with that has their own problem.

Why don't you decide to either email a bunch of folks at work and let them know the skinny (that the wedding is postponed or canceled and they can share that) or tell people one at a time as they say something to you.

You can do this!
p
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
You are the one who made an executive decision, which will preserve your quality of life for years to come.

That is something to be proud of.
This bears repeating.
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Old 04-11-2011, 02:07 PM
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I recently asked an AA friend of mine how the wedding plans were going, and she held up her ring-less finger. This sort of thing is awful for everybody--the person who innocently asks, and the person who has to keep telling people.

Same thing happened to me when I had a miscarriage the first time I was pregnant.

Anyway, I think the best thing is to request that your friends spread the word that the wedding is off, with the caveat that you also don't wish to discuss it, get expressions of sympathy, etc. There might be a few people who still manage to make you feel awkward, but it should cut down on those moments.

I HATE having to tell people personal bad news, and also HATE being the object of pity. It will soon be old news, don't worry.
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Old 04-11-2011, 06:30 PM
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I think lots of people have been where you are in terms of stopping wedding/engagemet plans. More common than you think. And for varying reasons. Life happens!

I'd say something like 'oh it has been postponed' or 'we are changing the date'. They don't need to know that your plan may be indefinite. I'm all about just stopping the topic when folks ask things I don't want to discuss...and moving along in a graceful way.

No one has to no the full story but those involved.
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