visits with their dad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
visits with their dad
I need some feedback on the kids visits with their dad.
They're 3 and 4, last week they saw him for a half hour at a park with their babysitter while I was at class. They are mutual friends so they asked if he wanted to stay for supper, he declined.
Yesterday, my mom was okay with meeting at a park for him to visit as long as there was no discussion about me. It was only going to be for the kids and about the kids. The visit was about half hour.
My mom said he was very distant and didn't really interact with them or talk with them.
MIL (our third party) was wondering if exA could visit them at preschool tomorrow. I said no, they have a schedule and I pick them up after their nap.
The one thing I am just trying to figure out is, the times she sees dad she has an awful time going to bed. She has countless tantrums, and acts like she can't do things like get dressed etc. These visits were a week apart and it faded a few days after, but then started up the night after seeing daddy.
She gets really fearful to go to sleep, is scared of everything, wants me to sleep right next to her. She wondered when daddy was coming to visit her in the house. She wanted to see him and call him.
I don't know if the visits are making things hard on her or if she is just missing him. She was wonderful this weekend while my mom watched her and wished grandma could sleep at our house forever. Then after the visit things went down hill.
I don't know what to do! Should I maybe have her see a counsoler? My other child who is 3, he is doing better, like wanting to potty train. Saying stuff like daddy is at working, he will visit us and he will stay at grandmas (his moms) .
They're 3 and 4, last week they saw him for a half hour at a park with their babysitter while I was at class. They are mutual friends so they asked if he wanted to stay for supper, he declined.
Yesterday, my mom was okay with meeting at a park for him to visit as long as there was no discussion about me. It was only going to be for the kids and about the kids. The visit was about half hour.
My mom said he was very distant and didn't really interact with them or talk with them.
MIL (our third party) was wondering if exA could visit them at preschool tomorrow. I said no, they have a schedule and I pick them up after their nap.
The one thing I am just trying to figure out is, the times she sees dad she has an awful time going to bed. She has countless tantrums, and acts like she can't do things like get dressed etc. These visits were a week apart and it faded a few days after, but then started up the night after seeing daddy.
She gets really fearful to go to sleep, is scared of everything, wants me to sleep right next to her. She wondered when daddy was coming to visit her in the house. She wanted to see him and call him.
I don't know if the visits are making things hard on her or if she is just missing him. She was wonderful this weekend while my mom watched her and wished grandma could sleep at our house forever. Then after the visit things went down hill.
I don't know what to do! Should I maybe have her see a counsoler? My other child who is 3, he is doing better, like wanting to potty train. Saying stuff like daddy is at working, he will visit us and he will stay at grandmas (his moms) .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Maybe she does just miss him and that's how she is expressing it. My oldest daughter gets a little whiny and pouty after visiting her dad. She says she misses him, but she only wants to go for the day on the weekend and doesn't want to stay overnight. She says she just isn't used to the house. Did your mom say anything else about the interaction? I agree that is unsettling, but I bet she wants the extra attention from you when she gets home. My daughter is 7 and shows some of the same behavior. Maybe you should just talk with her, she might tell you what is bugging her!
M
M
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think it is how little one's process so much change and emotion. It is hard. My boys all went ballistic for a year, each in their own way. Transition's home were really obvious but over all behavior was also impacted.
Consistency with visitation would help a lot. If there was set days/times they could depend on it and it would help. Unfortunately consistency, dependability, and A's don't go together very well.
Consistency with visitation would help a lot. If there was set days/times they could depend on it and it would help. Unfortunately consistency, dependability, and A's don't go together very well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Some things I am learning:
Each night I ask my son if he has any questions or worries.
Sometimes he asks how light bulbs work, etc...
Other times, he just openly says "I feel nervous about where daddy is right now." Or things like this.
His counselor says it is OK to talk to him about these concerns. BUt, to keep it simple. Find a phrase that is easy to understand.
People going around in their life, exhibiting stress, but not addressing it or talking about it leads to little kids making things up about what is going on.
MAybe find some language that works for her. With my son, he really likes using the word "worries" to describe his anxiety, or his confusion.
I can address these things with him. I tell him that daddy is safe, and that everything is going to be OK. We dont go into details. I say that daddy is needing to get healthy and take care of himself.
I tell him that it is OK for things to change, and that things change a lot in life. But that that is OK.
Another thing his counseling sessions have taught me:
Whether one or two parents present, whether chaos abounds, my child does really well if I frontload him. Meaning I tell him what is going to happen in his day. I try to keep it simple, and clear, and if a change needs to be made, I communicate that to him clearly, with little fanfare.
He was able to say, in counseling, and to me that his biggest "worries" are from when he doesnt know what is going to happen.
And when his dad was here, with us, none of us knew what was going to happen! LOL... He was so erratic. We could be laughing, then suddenly his mood would shift, he would lash out, and I would become distant, angry or worried.
Kids are wide eyed and watching, even if they seem like they are not.
Your daughter may be feeling nervous about what is going to happen.
LEt her tell you what she feels.
My son is much less concerned about his dad or when he will see him, or what it will be like, because he knows that I am there, and he can talk about it, AND I check in and give him a little itenerary. Sometimes twice a day:
before school, then after.
On weekends, Ill say,
"today we will have lunch, then I am taking you to grandmas. I will see you after dinner tonight, OK? Do you have any questions?"
Also, if he is going to see his dad I say things like:
"Daddy is coming to pick you up. He wants to take you to eat dinner, and to the park. He will bring you back home, and he will go back to his house after that."
Sometimes he will ask if daddy can sleep over, and I keep it very simple. "That is not a good idea. Daddy is learning how to be healthier right now..and he is doing that in his own place."
HE sometimes wants to know when he can go to daddys house.
(RAH and I agree that he, RAH, is not ready for sleep overs. He has severe anxiety when with son...unpredictable)
I say, "I know you want to see daddy, and he wants to see you, but right now he is not ready to do that overnight."
Another thing that I learned through his counseling, that was totally lost on me:
My litttle boy was concerned that bad behavior caused his father to be pushed out of the house. He had confided in his counselor that he wondered if he was going to have to live somewhere else if HE misbehaved.
Seems so simple, and it is, becuase they are kids.
A simple addressing of his concerns over that, and upkeep on it, each night, seems to help a ton!
BTW, I do not lead him, by asking if he wants to talk about daddy, as this may be upsetting, AND he has told me at times not to ask him about it. Right now, RAH and I and counselor are in agreement that not bringing it up is best, but keeping open an arena for HIM to bring it up, to talk about it works.
if I ask him if he has any worries, over time, he started talking about them. it is his little arena to get some things off his chest, and like I said, sometimes its about things like "im worried I might fall into the potty.."LOL...
And this ^ makes it more of an easy going, reduced pressure communication.
And it is building our trust back up.
Hope this helps, somewhat
Each night I ask my son if he has any questions or worries.
Sometimes he asks how light bulbs work, etc...
Other times, he just openly says "I feel nervous about where daddy is right now." Or things like this.
His counselor says it is OK to talk to him about these concerns. BUt, to keep it simple. Find a phrase that is easy to understand.
People going around in their life, exhibiting stress, but not addressing it or talking about it leads to little kids making things up about what is going on.
MAybe find some language that works for her. With my son, he really likes using the word "worries" to describe his anxiety, or his confusion.
I can address these things with him. I tell him that daddy is safe, and that everything is going to be OK. We dont go into details. I say that daddy is needing to get healthy and take care of himself.
I tell him that it is OK for things to change, and that things change a lot in life. But that that is OK.
Another thing his counseling sessions have taught me:
Whether one or two parents present, whether chaos abounds, my child does really well if I frontload him. Meaning I tell him what is going to happen in his day. I try to keep it simple, and clear, and if a change needs to be made, I communicate that to him clearly, with little fanfare.
He was able to say, in counseling, and to me that his biggest "worries" are from when he doesnt know what is going to happen.
And when his dad was here, with us, none of us knew what was going to happen! LOL... He was so erratic. We could be laughing, then suddenly his mood would shift, he would lash out, and I would become distant, angry or worried.
Kids are wide eyed and watching, even if they seem like they are not.
Your daughter may be feeling nervous about what is going to happen.
LEt her tell you what she feels.
My son is much less concerned about his dad or when he will see him, or what it will be like, because he knows that I am there, and he can talk about it, AND I check in and give him a little itenerary. Sometimes twice a day:
before school, then after.
On weekends, Ill say,
"today we will have lunch, then I am taking you to grandmas. I will see you after dinner tonight, OK? Do you have any questions?"
Also, if he is going to see his dad I say things like:
"Daddy is coming to pick you up. He wants to take you to eat dinner, and to the park. He will bring you back home, and he will go back to his house after that."
Sometimes he will ask if daddy can sleep over, and I keep it very simple. "That is not a good idea. Daddy is learning how to be healthier right now..and he is doing that in his own place."
HE sometimes wants to know when he can go to daddys house.
(RAH and I agree that he, RAH, is not ready for sleep overs. He has severe anxiety when with son...unpredictable)
I say, "I know you want to see daddy, and he wants to see you, but right now he is not ready to do that overnight."
Another thing that I learned through his counseling, that was totally lost on me:
My litttle boy was concerned that bad behavior caused his father to be pushed out of the house. He had confided in his counselor that he wondered if he was going to have to live somewhere else if HE misbehaved.
Seems so simple, and it is, becuase they are kids.
A simple addressing of his concerns over that, and upkeep on it, each night, seems to help a ton!
BTW, I do not lead him, by asking if he wants to talk about daddy, as this may be upsetting, AND he has told me at times not to ask him about it. Right now, RAH and I and counselor are in agreement that not bringing it up is best, but keeping open an arena for HIM to bring it up, to talk about it works.
if I ask him if he has any worries, over time, he started talking about them. it is his little arena to get some things off his chest, and like I said, sometimes its about things like "im worried I might fall into the potty.."LOL...
And this ^ makes it more of an easy going, reduced pressure communication.
And it is building our trust back up.
Hope this helps, somewhat
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
When DD was still seeing her father, she was quite young (16 months old) and I still had MAJOR behavioural issues with her after the visit. It took about 2 days for her to "go back to normal", which was quite frustrating as he was seeing her every week, so there would only be 4 "normal" days out of 7. Even at that age, I made sure to hype her up for her visit with her father, and always acted very positive with her after the visit. It helped if I was super cheerful and if the exchange went well. If XAH was difficult or neglectful, the result was a very cranky DD.
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