Where I'm at...
I guess that's it. I'm looking at this the wrong way. I have been looking at it as quitting (well, that's what he's been TELLING me I'm doing!)... and maybe it is... or maybe a better way to say it (semantics, I guess) is that I'm surrendering. I'm accepting that the marriage just doesn't work. He doesn't want to admit that, but I certainly shouldn't waste anymore time waiting for him to get it or agree with me.
This was one of the big issues my therapist helped me with. I had to learn that I was not a failure because I got a divorce. I tried valiantly to save my marriage. I was like a doctor who tries CPR, defibrillation, and every other available option, yet still loses the patient. It was out of my hands. My marriage was chronic and terminal and couldn't be saved.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I totally understand where you are because i am standing right next to you. I am in the same exact position and it is hard. We will both do it when we are ready and not a minute before. This is a completely life altering decision that ony we can make and make in our own time.
Your progress is yours and yours only. I think you are doing great and heck you have gone to the lawyers and have your papers. I have to do that (waiting for hosue to sell). I applaud you for that and get strength from you for following through on that step. It is a step by step process and sometimes we take 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards and that is OK.
Every single one of us travels this road in our own way and none of us will do it exactly the same way or on the same time table. Although we have bonded over our situations with an A and this disease, we all will recover and move on exactly when we are suppose to.
Hang in their girlfriend because you are doing AWESOME even if it does not feel like you are today.
Your progress is yours and yours only. I think you are doing great and heck you have gone to the lawyers and have your papers. I have to do that (waiting for hosue to sell). I applaud you for that and get strength from you for following through on that step. It is a step by step process and sometimes we take 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards and that is OK.
Every single one of us travels this road in our own way and none of us will do it exactly the same way or on the same time table. Although we have bonded over our situations with an A and this disease, we all will recover and move on exactly when we are suppose to.
Hang in their girlfriend because you are doing AWESOME even if it does not feel like you are today.
But a shift occurred and it seemed like there was only one *livable* solution and that was to leave. Staying no longer seemed like an option I could withstand. So I moved forward despite the storm of negative emotions and in my head I knew it was right - even in my heart I knew it was right - but it didn't 'feel' right all the way through.
It did eventually all fall into place. I have regrets today, but they are not surrounding my decision to divorce. That space was not a livable one.
For me, filing for divorce was about accepting that I was going to be the Bad Guy (in XAH's eyes) no matter what, but that I willingly accepted to take on that role for the same of my daughter. I refused to subject her to the madness of living with XAH any longer than I already had.
For years, I struggled with the whole "being the bad guy" thing; I'd lie to people to avoid hurting their feelings. I avoided other people for the same reasons. My divorce finally allowed me to realize that it was OK not to be loved by everyone and that hurting XAH in the divorce was inevitable, because he felt the entire world hurt him on a daily basis (ok and the abuse he subjected me to also evened things out). I'm still not totally enthralled with the idea of being the bad guy, but I am more able to realize that my needs have to come first sometimes in order for me to be a better mother, daughter or friend.
For years, I struggled with the whole "being the bad guy" thing; I'd lie to people to avoid hurting their feelings. I avoided other people for the same reasons. My divorce finally allowed me to realize that it was OK not to be loved by everyone and that hurting XAH in the divorce was inevitable, because he felt the entire world hurt him on a daily basis (ok and the abuse he subjected me to also evened things out). I'm still not totally enthralled with the idea of being the bad guy, but I am more able to realize that my needs have to come first sometimes in order for me to be a better mother, daughter or friend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
See...
...boundary setting's not so hard, is it?
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Hey, good "practice" boundary setting with Cyranoak. I thought you crossed the line, too, C.
I'm with you.
My AH said he'd file, but he's dropped from any contact and I've seen no papers. I haven't been able to do it myself, although I know it's time. I feel ya.
One day at a time.
Things will make sense with time.
Hugs,
p
I'm with you.
My AH said he'd file, but he's dropped from any contact and I've seen no papers. I haven't been able to do it myself, although I know it's time. I feel ya.
One day at a time.
Things will make sense with time.
Hugs,
p
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
It's clear to me from that comment you have your children's best interest in mind and are making the adult, and very difficult decisions. You'll be OK.
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