Where I'm at...

Old 04-11-2011, 11:55 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
I guess that's it. I'm looking at this the wrong way. I have been looking at it as quitting (well, that's what he's been TELLING me I'm doing!)... and maybe it is... or maybe a better way to say it (semantics, I guess) is that I'm surrendering. I'm accepting that the marriage just doesn't work. He doesn't want to admit that, but I certainly shouldn't waste anymore time waiting for him to get it or agree with me.
I don't know if this will mean anything to you or not, but for me it was all about that dreaded thing called FAILURE. Perfectionism being one of the things I inherited as an ACOA, I simply couldn't stand the thought of failure. I should be able to make this marriage work. I set out to have a happy marriage, and then I FAILED!

This was one of the big issues my therapist helped me with. I had to learn that I was not a failure because I got a divorce. I tried valiantly to save my marriage. I was like a doctor who tries CPR, defibrillation, and every other available option, yet still loses the patient. It was out of my hands. My marriage was chronic and terminal and couldn't be saved.

L
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:14 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I totally understand where you are because i am standing right next to you. I am in the same exact position and it is hard. We will both do it when we are ready and not a minute before. This is a completely life altering decision that ony we can make and make in our own time.

Your progress is yours and yours only. I think you are doing great and heck you have gone to the lawyers and have your papers. I have to do that (waiting for hosue to sell). I applaud you for that and get strength from you for following through on that step. It is a step by step process and sometimes we take 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards and that is OK.

Every single one of us travels this road in our own way and none of us will do it exactly the same way or on the same time table. Although we have bonded over our situations with an A and this disease, we all will recover and move on exactly when we are suppose to.

Hang in their girlfriend because you are doing AWESOME even if it does not feel like you are today.

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Old 04-11-2011, 12:20 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
I don't know - maybe at some point I'll figure out that I don't need my heart and head in the same place, and I'll just move on.

When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of going...
This is exactly what happened for me. I actually knew Iwas done, beyond a doubt, but I wouldn't give myself permission. I couldn't get around the guilt and idea that I should be doing something different to either make it work or make myself except what I had. I got married, had children, and by golly - I had planned to die married and raise my children in an intact home and I ought to figure that out one way or another!

But a shift occurred and it seemed like there was only one *livable* solution and that was to leave. Staying no longer seemed like an option I could withstand. So I moved forward despite the storm of negative emotions and in my head I knew it was right - even in my heart I knew it was right - but it didn't 'feel' right all the way through.

It did eventually all fall into place. I have regrets today, but they are not surrounding my decision to divorce. That space was not a livable one.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:16 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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For me, filing for divorce was about accepting that I was going to be the Bad Guy (in XAH's eyes) no matter what, but that I willingly accepted to take on that role for the same of my daughter. I refused to subject her to the madness of living with XAH any longer than I already had.

For years, I struggled with the whole "being the bad guy" thing; I'd lie to people to avoid hurting their feelings. I avoided other people for the same reasons. My divorce finally allowed me to realize that it was OK not to be loved by everyone and that hurting XAH in the divorce was inevitable, because he felt the entire world hurt him on a daily basis (ok and the abuse he subjected me to also evened things out). I'm still not totally enthralled with the idea of being the bad guy, but I am more able to realize that my needs have to come first sometimes in order for me to be a better mother, daughter or friend.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:05 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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See...

...boundary setting's not so hard, is it?

Cyranoak



Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 View Post
Hey, good "practice" boundary setting with Cyranoak. I thought you crossed the line, too, C.

I'm with you.
My AH said he'd file, but he's dropped from any contact and I've seen no papers. I haven't been able to do it myself, although I know it's time. I feel ya.
One day at a time.
Things will make sense with time.

Hugs,
p
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:52 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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(((((((Hugs))))))))) I don't have much to add but just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care!
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Old 04-12-2011, 03:38 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
he'd rather have the kids grow up in an unhealthy home than a broken one.
An unhealthy home is still a broken home, but you know that.

Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
If I try and force a solution now, but am not fully accepting... I'll end up backsliding, flip-flopping and doing more damage to them than good.
It's clear to me from that comment you have your children's best interest in mind and are making the adult, and very difficult decisions. You'll be OK.
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