Sick of the blame game

Old 04-10-2011, 11:06 PM
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Sick of the blame game

So, many of you know that AH's mother was living with us. If you don't know, then here is the story. Mother in law lived with us for a couple of years. When she moved in AH was not really using...he was, but not "openly", and myself and mother in law were not aware of it. AH and I owned a bar at the time and were doing well financially, until the beginning of last year when we lost the bar and pretty much everything due to his addiction to pain pills..drinking started later. Ok, anyway..he has stolen from his mother a couple of times. Broke her heart of course, broke my heart too naturally. Well, that's when we found out about his out of control addiction. Anyway, the final straw for her was about a month (?) ago when he went on a week long crack binge and stole from her yet again. She called brother and sister in law in Arkansas and they come down to get her. I was torn (selfish I know) because she and I became really close. She is disabled, and I am as well. Her disability is physical, mine mental. Well, anyway, when AH wasn't here (which was most of the time), she was here for me, and I was here for her..we leaned on each when she decided to leave, I asked her..pleaded with not go..don't leave me. Silly looking back. Well, she and I got into a bit of an big deal, as we have been in them before..but this time she screamed, yelled and pointed her finger at me..I was on the couch about 7 foot away from her. Long story short, she told her family that I "abused" her. I have never, and would never abuse her..why she said it is above and beyond me. I have tried to figure it out to no avail. Anyway..she's gone now. Well AH's family on his late fathers side is basically what he has left now, besides me of course. I speak to his Aunt regularly to let her know that he is wanting treatment and to let her know that he is trying to get into rehab but the benzo's in his system are keeping him from it at the moment. Well, today there was a huge misunderstanding..his mother misunderstood something that he said (she's good at this). Before the misunderstanding I was on the phone with his Aunt telling her what was going on about the rehab situation. Well, tonight I get a text message from his cousin (his aunts daughter) saying that I lied to her her mother and that was not "cool". I replied saying that I had no idea what she was talking about and that I have not lied to anyone. Then she told me that she was "just saying"..and reminded me that my AH owed her mom 20 bucks (like that's MY fault). SIGH. So, now both sides of his family think that I'm a loser and a liar (and abuser obviously) I guess. Great.
It hurt my feelings terribly and I cried for a while. AH was upset, said he wanted to talk to her and ask her WTF her problem was, yada yada. I told him not to worry about it, I don't want any more drama. I don't this normal for families of A's? The blame game so to speak? They are all pretty ****** towards him, and blame him for everything (granted this is HIS disease, but it is the disease that causes his behavior most of the time, right?) and act like they can "tough love" him into recovery. Just wondering if this goes with this crap? His family and I have always gotten along and this sucks.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:11 PM
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Just wanted to clarify that every addiction is out of control..I didn't mean that my husbands addiction was ever in his control..after I read that I though "hmmm, that doesn't make sense". LOL So instead of editing post just clarified that.
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:31 AM
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When I was pushing XABF towards rehab, his mother was telling me what a cruel, hurtful person I was, although the rest of his family seemed to support me.

When I decided halfway through his rehab that I wanted to end the relationship, his daughter told me that I "ruined his rehab experience" because if I was going to end it I should have ended it at the beginning, rather than towards the end, and that now it would be my fault if he drank coming out. (I felt horrible after that conversation, I felt the way I used to feel after XABF's worst verbal/emotional abuse tirades.)

His sister is the only one who seemed to understand what I was going through, and I'm not even sure if she did, because she kept adding in phrases like "I don't know if you care, but XABF did XYZ today" when I was trying to go no contact.

I started a journal, and after writing about what had happened that day I wrote down my feelings about it. It was so bad that after any interaction with his family, one of my standard "feelings" was to write "furniture" - because I felt like that's all I was to them, some fixture that as long as I was supporting XABF, I was the best in the world, but if I tried to live my own life, I was a horrible person.

Think of how hard it is for us to admit that there's a problem, and we've had enough.
Now imagine how you'd feel if you were related to him, especially if you're his mother... I'm sure it becomes so much harder. Blaming us is their method of coping, because otherwise they'd have to figure out what to do about it, and they can no longer rely on us to do all the "dirty work" for them. It becomes their turn to go through all the guilty feelings wondering if they should try to help or are they just enabling.

It stinks.
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:50 PM
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Thank you StarCat. It certainly does stink..sigh. You are right though, I guess the family is trying to cope and since I am AH's wife maybe they feel like it is "up to me" in a way to fix him. Hoping he can get into rehab soon..very soon. We went up to the one he is going to get into again today so they could see if benzo's were still in his system. Sure enough, still there. He kept begging them to keep him..told them he would sign a waiver and everything and they still said "not until your urine is free from benzo's". Gahhh, I'm going nuts, he's going nuts. Just a vicious cycle. *stepping off my soapbox*
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:57 AM
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It is common. To be the scapegoat.
AND they are all playing a game of denial, avoidance, blame,repeat...

The mother going to the brother is probably a burden for them, and she needs to cry about something. HEr son is maybe not okay to cry about to the brother so she cried about you, even to the point of creating fiction.

It is crazy making, and families have twisted dynamics.
None of it is your fault,

I KNOW how bad it sucks to have the inlaws turn on you. I have been there a few times.
You think you have an ally, or a buddy in the war, but then they switcheroo on you.

He learned it somewhere, after all...

I guess it is really hard, but right now, to save yourself the pain, come up with a mantra...until it eases down...

"I can not control what anybody else thinks says or does about me, or in response to my choices. I can only control my thoughts, actions, responses, and choices."
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:21 AM
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japabp2000: I got blamed for everything and yes, it's all part of denial, guilt, shame, wash, rinse, repeat. One of the last things I said to him was that I won't be your emotional punching bag anymore and to "man up, grow up and sober up."

Let's see-I was cheap, I spent too much money, I had too many friends, I was an attention-seeker, I wasn't sexy enough, I wasn't ambitious enough, I smoked, I didn't drink, I was a quitter (that was the final straw) and when he ran out of things, he started at the beginning of the list and worked his way through it again.

It's really easy to blame someone else for all that you're in denial about and when that person walks away, what are you left with? In my EXABF's case, he's left with himself as he burned all his bridges with family and friends. He says they don't understand him and his issues.

As for benzo W/D before rehab-I've been down that road and the W/D isn't pleasant-one of the rehabs EXABF went into delayed his admission by a couple of weeks to make sure they were all out of his system. Benzo W/D is not pleasant for anyone-the person taking them or those around them.

Stay strong and remember that the only things we have control over are ourselves and our actions.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:35 AM
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my daughter nearly died trying to withdraw from benzos,
was taking buckets of them, and decided to quit.
she had a seizure and quit breathing.

this whole benzo thing with your husband has a bad "smell" to it.
if he were withdrawing from them, he could not hide that.

i hope he can get into rehab soon.

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Old 04-12-2011, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
the average length of time for benzos to remain in the system is 4-8 days at the most. i find it curious that if he has not been taking anything, that A) he hasn't had any type of WD symptoms and B) that they remain in his system thru repeated tests.
My thoughts too anvil. He had a prescription for them but it ran out. I do know that he never took them like he was supposed to. He would go days without them, and suddenly "need" one (usually when he was out of alcohol). He says he has abused them in the past, but now he doesn't, and from what I see he doesn't now. It's hard to say..but I know he hasn't gone through w/d's from them that I can tell..and surely I'd be able to.

Thanks everyone for your replies! Hopefully the Missouri rehab will take him now..his cousin's boyfriend's cousin (lol at how that sounds) is the director and said he may be able to pull some strings for him to get in there. AH should hear something toward the end of the week.
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Old 04-12-2011, 04:11 PM
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Posts: 174! I'm so sorry that your daughter nearly died from the withdrawals from them. Thank God she pulled through!! ((((((Hugs)))))
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