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Hello Everybody! I'm BACK......Phoenixthebird!

Old 04-10-2011, 02:42 PM
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Rising from the Ashes
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Hello Everybody! I'm BACK......Phoenixthebird!

Hello Everybody! My name is Phoenixthebird and am coming back to this site again!

I am a codependent, currently in a 40 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. For the majority of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA. As a result he is now a dry drunk,still possessing all the traits he had while he was an active alcoholic. Our marriage was always about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!"

I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I was comatose. When I came back into reality I was filled with so much rage inside of me. I was then transferred to a rehab hospital for another two weeks before my discharge to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. I should have been discharged to a skilled nursing facility. I have suffered immobility problems and can not move around very easy without my power chair. When I came home the only member of my family I could rely upon was my 35 year old son. I received more care and compassion from my three border collies than I did from my husband. He just refused to be there when I really needed him! FORGET About OUR Marriage VOWS!

I have taken an inventory of my life and how I managed to get into this situation. I've had to go into therapy to try to lessen some of my anger. I now am able to see where I became my husband's crutch and never really made him to account for his responsibilites and life. He was the only person who could work the 12 steps for himself. I'm supposed to be recuperating and God knows I don't need the stress that just goes living with a dry drunk. I only have requested two things from him now: to get a physical; and to go to therapy. He has refused to listen to me!

Well, my husband did get a physical. NOT by his own choosing, but because of an argument between him and myself the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving Day, he spent the night at a Motel 6 here in town. Somehow, he managed to slip in the shower and managed to break his neck. As a result of his own pain, he now acknowledges some of the pain that I have suffered. We HAVE had so many arguments since I've come home, I lost COUNT!

He has called me a B**CH! He has told me that someone that used to be "nice" before a stroke CAN turn into a B**CH after the stroke. Of course, this upset ME! However, then I thought about it and realized why he would say something like THAT! Before my stroke I was the ONE that was responsible for everything, but now since I've had my stroke, I've HAD to DEPEND on someone else.

My life wasn't supposed to end up like this. I had planned on going into my senior years based upon the "Golden Girls". Betty White is still my role model. You need to ask yourself two questions: Will your spouse be there for you as a caregiver? And would you be able or willing to be his caregiver? My husband has never listened to me so I have come to the realization I couldn't be his
caregiver. The patient needs to be able to listen and follow the directions of the caregiver.

I've been in individual therapy this last year, and things got SO bad that I HAD to call the Adult Protective Services. Everyone that I have talked to tell me the same thing.........that I NEED to leave. BUT it's SO HARD! That's WHY I'm Back HERE......to receive support so I CAN turn the doorknob and actually WALK OUT the Door!

I was on this site quite frequently for a few months but decided to leave either around Thanksgiving or Christmas time last year I went and joined another website just for "Baby Boomers". However, I'm coming back because...... It's CRAZY Over THERE! I went over there with the best of intentions of trying to play it "straight", and find similar support that I find here. I left this website because, no offensive meant, but I felt the younger girls couldn't understand why someone that is 59 years years, married for 40
years, would try to start their life over again.

I have a Texan female's sense of humor and ended up getting banned from two groups on the other website because of it. I did make some friends over
there......then I meet someone that I had developed a "crush" on and found myself wanting more than JUST friendship. SO I've Decided to Come Back Where Some Sanity May STILL Remain!

God Bless You ALL!
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Old 04-10-2011, 02:54 PM
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I don't usually come right out and tell someone what they should do, however, having been a private home care nurse for years prior to my own retirement, I am going to say the following:

Contact the person that spoke with you from Adult Protection Services and ask for help in getting into An Assisted Living Facility that has rehab. That way, you will get the help you need, when you need it, still have your alone time, and have rehab to become the best you can be after your stroke.

Continuing to live with man who abuses you is NOT helping your physical recovery, let alone your mental and emotional.

40 years or no 40 years, this is NOT love. This is out and out abuse. You may hesitate because it is familiar that is a big wide unknown (moving to Assisted Living) but it would be best for you ...................... physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It is, of course, your choice to stay, but if I were you, I would be long gone and in the process would be allowing him the dignity of taking care of himself and all its consequences.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-10-2011, 04:10 PM
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Thank you for your caring, understanding......but MOST of ALL Your Support!!
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Old 04-10-2011, 04:35 PM
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Great to see you back, Pheonix!
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Old 04-10-2011, 06:24 PM
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Welcome back, Phoenix! Was wondering how you're doing and am glad to see you're back. Well, not happy that you need to come back, but... you know.... Welcome back.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:27 PM
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I was worried about you, Phoenixthebird. I am glad to see you - although again, sorry about the situation that caused your return.


You need to do what is right for you.
People can give advice, or suggestions, or comments, but nobody holds the answers except for you.
You know what you need - just listen to yourself, because you are a wonderful, worthwhile person.

New beginnings are scary, but exciting. There's a whole world out there, waiting for you to discover your part of it.


Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I was thinking about you today. I missed you.
Much love and prayers heading in your direction!
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:03 AM
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Hi Phoenix! I'm new here but wanted to say welcome back. You have been through so very much and you need to focus on getting out of there so you don't have to put up with anymore..you definitely deserve much much better! I know it's bound to be scary to think of leaving..but you are being emotionally beat down by this very unhappy man. I'm so sorry and I hope you continue to post. BIG HUGS!!
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:03 AM
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Hi Phoenix,

Welcome back. I hope this is the start of change, because, for me, I would hate to live the remaining portion of my life soaked in poison.

Take the leap, and make the second half the improved version!

Sending encouragement,

CLMI
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:25 AM
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I was worried about you too my friend...missing a few people on here that i have not seen in a while....welcome back...i wish i can find my QUACKER but he has disappeared in another threat! *lol*

you know what you have to do...we all have your back...keep reading..and practising ITS A LIFESTYLE
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:32 AM
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Thank You ALL for showing ME Your Support and Caring! I would be LUCKY if my husband spoke more than 25 words to me this entire weekend.......and we were both in our master bedroom! I've Done MY Share of Crying........and I Still DO!

Love!
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:42 PM
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Welcome back.
Edit: If my AW and are speaking less than 25 words, I simply retreat to my man-cave.

I wish you some peace.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:48 PM
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Phoenix,

I can't wait to see you rising from ashes!!!!!

I don't know what some of our younger members might think, and I don't believe it matters. There are A LOT of mature men and women on this site -- I'm one of 'em, and I know that the second half of my life it going to be head and shoulders above the first. Heck, it already is.

The courage it takes is tremendous, but you can do it. You really can.

We will walk with you.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:51 PM
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Welcome back Phoenix, you've been missed x
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Old 04-11-2011, 02:39 PM
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I am 60 and I left. I left a lakefront home with an abusive active alcoholic, divorced 3 1/2 years and in a 1 bedroom apt. and happy as a clam with two cats and a bird. I go where I want, do what I want, don't hear any quacking, eat what I want, have my wonderful new recovery (Alanon) friends, no mental or verbal abuse, no King-Baby running the show. Try it.....you'll like it. Live in the solution not in the problem. Let go or be dragged.
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Old 04-13-2011, 05:23 AM
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MATURE women and men....heck its the wisdom i get from my fellow friends here that set me straight...and if it was not for them....gosh where would i be...I am always looking up to your wisdom words....THANK YOU
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:23 AM
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I'm 64. Still with my Ah. Still attached to my little home in the country and my garden. Have a "get up and get out" plan ready. I'm stuck for financial reasons.

AH is not physically abusive. He is uncooperative. Won't stop drinking.
Won't leave. Won't have a heart attack. Oh well, what can you do?
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:46 AM
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Yay, your back Phoenix! I was wondering where you were! I just came back today. Looks like Jds0401 came back today too. Must be the day for it! You've been in my thoughts...
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