Now what???

Old 04-10-2011, 12:35 PM
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Now what???

So, this morning, my "R"AH asks me why I am so tired. I respond by saying that the kids have been taking turns being sick all week long. Also been doing a lot of running for basketball practice, orthodontist, and Dr. and VERY busy with work. On top of all of that, I tell him, his snoring was crazy loud last night so I didn't sleep well.

He says "What?? I was snoring loud?"

I say, "Yes, very loud last night. I just couldn't sleep."

He says "I thought you said my drinking was the cause of my excessive snoring. And we didn't get along because of my drinking. Now, I am not drinking and we still don't get along...and I still snore. Now what are you going to blame everything on?"

I just didn't know how to respond. He is right. I used to blame everything on his drinking. Now, I know better. But, I don't want to admit to him that it is not the cause...that may be a green light to start again. How do I use this comment as a way to explain to him that there is much more work for him to do in addition to not drinking?
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:39 PM
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Just not drinking is not recovery. Maybe you should tell him that. Until we gain more knowledge about alcoholism and what all that entails, we often think that just not drinking will solve the problem. Rarely is that the case.
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:40 PM
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I say thank you for this post because I am going through the same crap right now. If I hear something like "it appears to me you like drunk (RAH Name) instead of sober (RAH Name) better. It is like he keeps trying to get me to just say "go drink then!" (which somedays I would almost prefer since I am not sure I have faith in his sobriety anyway). My response most times though is nothing. Not an argument I can win NOR can he win it, so I just let it go.
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:45 PM
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Well, yeah.
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you don't HAVE to respond to everything that comes out the man's mouth! don't engage. leave it be. walk away.

fact - he snored.
fact - the sound of the snoring kept you awake.
end of story.

both my husband AND the bulldog snore. keeps me awake too. i end up on the couch often.
Well, that is pretty much how it went. I said "Just relax...all I said was you snored. That's it. Nothing more."

As far as drinking and snoring go, he definitely snores much, much worse when he is drinking....absolutely no question about it.

I am just concerned that he may be looking for a reason to drink. It sort of felt that way. It felt like he was trying to make a point and that being that nothing is better now that he quit drinking.
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:53 PM
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Can't remember if you attend al-anon meetings or not. I think it's a good idea. You shouldn't worry about whether he is looking for a reason to drink. He's going to do whatever he is going to do. You can't stop him, but you can learn to not let it affect you to the point where you worry before he's even done anything.
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:56 PM
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If he's looking for a reason to drink, nothing you say or don't say will change that. If that's what he wants, that's what he will do. You don't have any control over it.

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Old 04-10-2011, 01:05 PM
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I used to use my ex's snoring as an excuse to drink!
Of course, once I quit drinking, I moved to the couch.
And, he would argue with me about the snoring, telling me it was not that bad.

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Old 04-10-2011, 06:00 PM
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I think your response sounds perfect.... I probably would have stumbled into landmine territory and said something about there still being problems despite his not drinking and opened a big can of worms that would have given him all the reason he "needed" to drink.

If your gut tells you he's looking for reasons then he probably is (to drink that is).

And whatever you do/say or don't do/don't say if he wants to find a reason to blame you for his drinking... he will.

I've really, really enjoyed sleeping ALONE since "R"AH moved out. He's here tonight and even though he will be downstairs, I feel like I won't be sleeping as well. But it's just one night- I'll survive!

Can you sleep in a different room if his snoring is really disrupting your sleep? I know that when my sleep is a mess it sure doesn't help make it easy to not let AH get to me... Not sure if this is just me or a universal. Lack of sleep='s much harder to deal with life!
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Old 04-10-2011, 06:40 PM
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I lived in this space with my RAH for a few months.
He said that very statement all the time.

I did say, one time, (it felt good in the moment, but I dont recommend it):

"Rehab did not address all of your issues, just the drug addiction you were using to cover them all up."

Active recovery really should lead them to stop thinking in these terms, but...

You have to consider that you are both also probably pretty jacked up with resentment.
If you had been living in a hunky dory, sweet as pie marriage for the last several years, then a comment about snoring would maybe be met with some good natured sparring...

thats not where you are.

Im feeling your pain. Not getting enough sleep reallllly sucks, and add sick kids into the mix, and it is h*ll
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:53 PM
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I went through a lot of these types of conversations over the years with my EXABF.

Whenever his drinking would hit a high, we would fight about all the things his drinking caused. The biggest topic was his abusive behavior towards me and our pets. All I ever wanted for him to quit drinking.

He would go through a phase of abstinence or some concocted plan of controlled drinking and all the while he waited for the right excuse to binge. I lived in dread of saying or doing the wrong thing and causing him to start up again.

Just as your AH has said, if I was negative about anything, he would argue that if the big problem was supposed to be his drinking why was I complaining if he had quit. All the problems should be solved and I should have nothing but rainbows and sunshine to spread every day.

For example, I once grumbled under my breath that I forgot to buy laundry detergent at the store. He heard me, yelled that if I expected him to go to the store after work to get it that I was just setting him up to buy beer and start drinking. He ranted for a good few minutes then stormed out for work. I never got a word in edgewise that morning and he never did answer my calls. Wouldn't you guess he stopped at the store after work, bought a case of beer, got drunk before he got home, stumbled in arguing that I made him go there for detergent and it screwed him over and he was back to drinking. When I got a word in that time, I asked about the detergent. He told me he forgot it and then promptly passed out.

When I found recovery I learned that NONE of it was about the booze. It was about me feeling mistreated. It was about me living as the constant excuse for his bad behavior. I had to stop caring if he drank or not because he was going to do exactly what he felt like doing and if he felt like drinking he would.

I had to set boundaries. I learned about those in recovery, too, along with detachment.

The next time he tried to engage and argue with me, I detached and my boundaries kicked in and I maneuvered out of the situation. When he tried to apologize and tell me how it was the booze talking and he would stop drinking if I asked, I told him I didn't care if he drank or not, and truly meant it. It was his choice. What I cared about was how I was treated. He had to decide if he was capable treating me with respect and what it would take to do that. If I continued to feel mistreated, I would decide what is best for me to do about it without discussion with him.

This was a turning point for both of us. It put all the choices back where they belong. Me and my recovery choices and he and his.

This is part of acceptance. This is part of understanding the root of addiction. It isn't about the substance, it's about the person using them.

Incidentally, my EXABF's pot use increased dramatically after this discussion occurred. I still ponder if he was trying to counteract the rage his binge drinking brought on rather than consider giving up the booze and rather than get to the root of his real problems leading to the abuse.

I hope my ESH offers some help.

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